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Bizarro Earth

North Carolina church to burn 'Satan's books,' including works of Mother Teresa

A Baptist Church near Asheville, N.C., is hosting a "Halloween book burning" to purge the area of "Satan's" works, which include all non-King James versions of the Bible, popular books by many religious authors and even country music.

The website for the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., says there are "scriptural bases" for the book burning. The site quotes Acts 19:18-20: "And many that believed, came and confessed and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts, brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."

Pumpkin

Nobel Committee Admits Getting into Derivatives Trading in Giving Peace Prize to Obama

What led to the unusual decision to bet on futures rather than follow the century-old precedent of selecting someone who has actually accomplished something?

A spokesman from the Nobel Committee yesterday spoke on condition of anonymity about the controversial decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama, who as yet has solved no international crisis or created peaceful resolution to any conflict but has delivered some awesome speeches that have breathed new life into the Norwegian stock exchange, the Red Herring 500, according to the committee member. "There's derivatives trading now in virtually every commodity known to humankind," noted the source. "So why not peace?" He added that rare commodities with unpredictable futures are particularly attractive to derivatives traders, and that peace certainly falls into that category. With many on the right objecting that Obama hasn't done anything to earn the prize and many on the left complaining that his record domestically has been to deliver magnificent speeches without following up with any decisive actions and to paper over conflicts with inspiring words and half-measures, the Nobel Committee member admitted on background that he wasn't sure whether the action of the committee technically could be considered hedging or derivatives trading, but he was counting on it to create a competitive market for both peace and Obama memorabilia.

Pumpkin

Marge Simpson makes cover of Playboy

Marge Simpson
© PlayboyMarge Simpson is seen on the cover of the November issue of Playboy magazine.
"D'oh!" doesn't even start to cover it.

Marge Simpson -- the blue beehived matriarch of America's most loved dysfunctional family - is Playboy magazine's November cover, the magazine said on Friday.

Simpson, tastefully concealing her assets behind a signature Playboy Bunny chair, is the first cartoon character ever to front the glossy adult magazine, joining the ranks of sex symbols like Marilyn Monroe and Cindy Crawford.

Playboy said the cover and a three-page picture spread inside was a celebration of the 20th anniversary of the The Simpsons and part of a plan to appeal to a younger generation of readers.

War Whore

Obama Will Go Naked to Oslo

Obama, Kissinger, Wilson, Roosevelt and Moniz.

Quick. What do Barack Obama, Woodrow Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, Henry Kissinger and Egar Moniz have in common? All won the Nobel Prize, the first four for "peace" either as sitting presidents, or in Kissinger's case, while his bombs were falling on innocents in Vietnam. Moniz won the prize in Physiology or Medicine for his invention of the lobotomy. Of these five he wrought the least carnage.

Today we awoke to news that Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Some looked quick to see whether it was April 1. Most often folks mumbled resignedly "War is Peace." I prefer the Vietnam era formulation that warring for peace is like fu**ing for virginity. A few wept tears of disappointment, certainly mainstream Medea Benjamin who, having recently come out definitively as a hawk, must have thought that with this adjustment the Nobel was certainly in sight. Code Pink needs a new name now. Justin Raimondo suggests Code Yellow. But I believe Whores for Wars might be better. (That would only apply to Medea and the national leadership, many of the local Code Pinkers being genuine anti-interventionists who cannot stomach the narcissistic national leadership like mainstream Medea.)

Ladybug

Dallas police seek naked backyard dancer - incidents date back to 2004

Dallas police are looking for a man who they say repeatedly sneaks into backyards, dances around naked and then runs away.

Police believe the man has been exposing himself in the same neighborhood since 2005. The most recent incident was on Sept. 30.

Police say he usually climbs a fence or goes through a gate and either dances naked or jumps in a swimming pool naked. Police say he also has danced naked on top of a backyard air conditioning unit.

Police say they're looking for a pudgy man who is about 6 feet tall and covers his face while dancing.

Dallas Police Senior Cpl. Janice Crowther says police want to catch him before it escalates into something worse.

Camcorder

Webcam wife in Philippines 'solves crime in Oklahoma'

Webcam wife
© BloombergWebcam wife in Philippines 'solves crime in Oklahoma'
Police say three people who robbed a man's Oklahoma flat were caught by his wife in the Philippines, who saw them on the webcam the couple communicate with while apart.

Midwest City police Chief Brandon Clabes says officers nabbed the three burglary suspects over the weekend after Maribel Chouinard spotted them and called her husband, an Air Force master sergeant at Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma City.

Cut

Cash-strapped school asks pupils to bring own toilet rolls

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© Independent.ieThe letter sent to parents by St John's Girls National School.
Pupils in a Co Cork school are being asked to bring their own toilet paper to school to help offset funding cutbacks.

The principal of St John's Girls National School in Carrigaline, Co Cork, confirmed she had sent out a memo to parents last week requesting that their daughters occasionally bring a roll of toilet paper to give to the class teacher, who would dispense the rolls to students when needed.

The bizarre request is part of the school's cost-containment programme so that dwindling state funding can be better spent on education, says principal Catherine O'Neill.

She refused to divulge the school's annual budget but said that the Government's abolition of various grants was behind the request.

The letter, dated October 1, reads: "Dear parent. From time to time we will request your daughter to bring in a toilet roll to her class teacher. These rolls will be specifically for your daughter's class and will be dispensed by the class teacher. We would also request that your daughter has tissues in her sack at all times. This is due to cutbacks. we are endeavouring to trim down expenses and ensure we use our grants towards the educational needs of your child."

Mr. Potato

Jon Stewart Defends NEA, School Children From Republicans, Fox News

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America is under attack, people. Not from Iran, not from suitcase bombers or North Korea, but from Barack Obama and those that like him. Jon Stewart explored these organizations and people last night and after a brief intro about ACORN, he quickly came to the conclusion that the National Endowment for the Arts and school children are at the heart of the problem.

Mr. Potato

If Zombies Attack, University of Florida has Plan Ready

zombies
© ehowZombies
No one expects a zombie apocalypse. But the University of Florida is making sure officials are ready for a night of the living dead, just in case.

The school has a plan for responding to the undead on its Web site among outlines for dealing with hurricanes and pandemics.

The exercise lays out how university officials would respond to attacks by "flesh-eating, apparently life impaired individuals." It notes that a zombie outbreak might include "documentation of lots of strange moaning."

A University of Florida spokesman says the exercise was written by an employee at the school's academic technology office to "add a little bit of levity" to disaster preparation discussions.

Arrow Down

Replica of Wright Brothers' Plane Crashes in Ohio

Crash
© AP PhotoPilot Mark Dusenberry crashes his Wright Flyer replica on Huffman Prairie in Dayton, Ohio on Thursday, Oct. 1, 2009.
A replica of the Wright brothers' plane crashed Thursday for the second time in two years, seriously injuring the pilot and heavily damaging the aircraft.

Julia Frasure of the National Park Service said Mark Dusenberry was piloting his replica of the 1905 Wright Brothers Flyer III when it crashed at Huffman Prairie on Wright-Patterson Air Force Base near Dayton.

Dusenberry was flown by helicopter to Miami Valley Hospital, where he was listed in serious condition.

Amanda Wright Lane, great-grandniece of Wilbur and Orville Wright, said Dusenberry was practicing for a flight Monday to mark the 104th anniversary of practical flight, when the brothers proved at Kitty Hawk, N.C., that they could take off, control the plane and safely land.