Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

SOTT Focus: Satire: UK General Election 2010: first reality TV game show next week

Ignatious O'Reilly
Sott.net
Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:42 UTC
ties
Different ties, different policies?
BBC, Sky and ITV revealed the schedule for the three eagerly-awaited live reality TV shows to be broadcast on British TV networks in the run up to the May 6th polling day. There is a vain hope of brainwashing the British public into believing that there is any discernible difference between the three main parties. It is also hoped that the shows will improve turnout among voters who increasingly cannot be bothered because of the medieval disproportionate voting system that means their votes don't count anyway.

Mr Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg will take part in three different reality TV show formats as they battle to try and show there is more difference between them than the colour of their ties.

The first reality show, hosted by Alastair Stewart, will be based on American weekly syndicated reality show 'Cheaters', a spokesman said.

The politicians are suspected of cheating on the general public on a wide range of issues from expense scandals to supporting wars they know are illegal. Investigations will be headed by the Ironic Cheaters Detective Agency and will involve a cameo appearance from Tony Blair. A short 10-minute version of the show called Cheaters: Yep, that's politicians for you will be available through on-demand.
Read More...
UFO

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Russia's "flying saucer"


RT
Sun, 04 Apr 2010 00:00 UTC
Locomoskayner
© locomosky.ru
Russia has launched a program to build a powerful, multi-purpose airship that will certainly cause many people on the ground to take notice.

The "Locomoskayner" airship takes to the air with nothing more than helium, but will also have special outfitted hot air cells to regulate its buoyancy, RIA Novosti news agency reported.
Read More...
Smiley

SOTT Focus: Satire: World Bank official says change "Trillion" to "Trololo" to Hide Extent of US National Debt

Ignatious O'Reilly
Sott.net
Fri, 02 Apr 2010 08:07 UTC
trololo
© unknownEdward Khil's song 'trololo' could become the new name for 'trillion'
A leading figure from the World Bank has called on the U.S. government to change the financial terminology used to report US National Debt, in order to cover-up just how large it really is.

Hans Timmer, who has a high-profile role as director of the bank's Take Over the World Group, said U.S. economic problems could be solved by a change in the name of Trillions to something more confusing and light-hearted to counter the increasing numbers of citizens who are waking up to the fact just how huge 14 Trillion dollars of debt actually is.

"The word Trillions used to be so unfathomably large to people that they really didn't understand just how close the US is to total financial collapse and hyperinflation. " he said. "But more and more people are understanding that trillions means it just isn't ever going to get paid off. By giving it a new name like 'trololo" it will make 14 trololo's of debt sound much less threatening."
Read More...
Smiley

Jordanian paper's April Fool's UFOs spark panic

Jamal Halaby
Associated Press
Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:55 UTC
Amman - A Jordanian newspaper's April Fool's Day report chronicling a late-night visit by 10-foot-tall aliens in flying saucers sparked public panic and almost led to the town's emergency evacuation, officials said Monday.

The Al Ghad newspaper published a front-page article April 1 about the fake UFO landing near the desert town of Jafr, some 185 miles (300 kilometers) from the capital, Amman. The report said the UFOs lit up the whole town, interrupted communications and sent fearful residents streaming into the streets.

Jafr's mayor, Mohammed Mleihan, got caught up in the paper's prank and said he sent security authorities in search of the aliens.

"Students didn't go to school, their parents were frightened and I almost evacuated the town's 13,000 residents," Mleihan told The Associated Press. "People were scared that aliens would attack them."

A Jordanian security official, speaking on condition of anonymity in order to discuss security issues, said an emergency plan was almost enacted in Jafr.
Read More...
Penis Pump

Men are indeed pigs, book affirms

Joe Blundo
The Columbus Dispatch
Sun, 04 Apr 2010 02:58 UTC
Research on the male brain is never flattering to men.

It always turns out that we're violence-prone, sex-obsessed mammals barely one step more civilized than a vole.

Wait: Make that the male montane vole.

He's a little rascal whose promiscuous behavior might just exceed that of many humans, even NBA players.

On the other hand, his cousin, the male prairie vole, is monogamous for life - a distinction that many human males neither achieve nor aspire after.

I learned about boys and voles in The Male Brain, a new book that might shed some light on Tiger Woods, Jesse James (the celebrity husband and the outlaw) and the profitability of pornography.
Read More...
Smiley

Pennsylvania: Lottery Pays $7.77 Million After 7-7-7-7 Hits


The Associated Press
Fri, 02 Apr 2010 19:40 UTC
The Pennsylvania Lottery proved to be seventh heaven for thousands of lottery players this week.

The lottery paid out a total of $7.77 million after the number 7-7-7-7 came up in the Big 4 drawing Wednesday. More than 3,100 tickets had the winning numbers.

They won either $2,500 or $5,000, depending on whether the buyer wagered 50 cents or $1.

That set of numbers has only been a winner twice since 1980.
Read More...
Mr. Potato

Kentucky: Drunk Man Calls Police to Help Him Out of Bar


The Associated Press
Fri, 02 Apr 2010 21:11 UTC
Drunk in a bar and can't get out, who you gonna call? Police.

That's what Todd Fitzwater did in Lexington. WLEX-TV reported Fitzwater called 911 Thursday and said he'd gotten drunk and passed out at Todd's Karaoke Bar the night before, awakened and had a few more - then couldn't get out of the bar, which was closed.

Officers tapped on the door Thursday afternoon to guide the 45-year-old Fitzwater to it so he could let them in to help him.

The bar owner said Fitzwater is a "regular" who lives nearby.
Read More...
Family

Florida: Woman Marks 106th Birthday by Tossing First Pitch


The Associated Press
Fri, 02 Apr 2010 19:40 UTC
A South Florida woman has celebrated her 106th birthday by throwing the starting pitch at a spring training game between the Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals.

Maude Newkirk received a standing ovation at Roger Dean Stadium after tossing the ball about a dozen feet toward Marlins catch John Baker on Thursday. Young relatives rushed to hug her.

The Georgia native is no stranger to baseball: Thursday was the seventh time she'd made a first pitch during spring training. She began the tradition upon turning 100.
Read More...
Cut

Woman, 82, crashes into salon, gets her hair done


Associated Press
Fri, 02 Apr 2010 04:04 UTC
Plainfield Township, Michigan -- An 82-year-old woman who accidentally crashed her car through the front window of a southwest Michigan salon stuck around afterward for an appointment to get her hair done.

Authorities said Marion Zock was parking her Ford Fusion on Thursday outside Classic Hair Design in Kent County's Plainfield Township, near Grand Rapids, when she stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake.

Two people were injured, including an employee who returned to work after treatment and a girl with a bruised arm.
Read More...
Magnify

Woods' double life costing his doubles


The Columbus Dispatch
Fri, 02 Apr 2010 02:50 UTC
Herme Chua got booed. Canh Oxelson is no longer getting the best tables at restaurants.

Think Tiger Woods is having problems? Try being one of his look-alikes.

"A lot of people just don't want to be associated with Tiger right now," Oxelson said.

For Oxelson and Chua, that means a steady flow of extra cash has dried up.

"I had to turn down a job that would have paid pretty well," Chua said. "It was an adult nightclub that wanted me to go to six cities in six nights. But I'm active in my son's school and help coach a track team. If the kids ever found out I was helping to promote adult nightclubs, it wouldn't be appropriate."
Read More...