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USA

Satire: Nation Tunes In To See Which Sociopath More Likable This Time

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Hempstead, NY - According to reports, millions of viewers across the country are expected to tune in to tonight's town-hall-style presidential debate at Hofstra University in order to determine which complete and utter sociopath they find more likable this time around.

"I'm very curious to see which one of these two clinically sociopathic individuals will present the most convincing and authentic approximation of an actual human conscience tonight," said Cincinnati-area voter Miranda Harrick, 40, adding that both candidates, like all successful politicians, were undeniably skilled at such calculated artifice. "I think whoever is able to best manipulate me into thinking they experience normative emotional states such as empathy and regret will probably have my vote come November, so I'm excited to see what happens."

The debate figures to be especially important for undecided voters, 91 percent of whom said in a pre-debate poll that they were still waiting for one sociopath to win them over with the perfect combination of superficial charm, deluded grandeur, and pathological lying.

Black Magic

Psychic: Steve Jobs not having a pleasant afterlife

Silhouette of Steve Jobs.
© Justin Sullivan/Getty ImagesSilhouette of apple founder Steve Jobs.
Cupertino, California - Angels with harps, pearly gates, and reunions with loved ones - these are the images that people associate with the other side. However, despite his successes and millions, Steve Jobs is apparently getting a very different afterlife according to a psychic.

Vice Magazine recently sat down with Reverend Betsy Cohen, a psychic medium from New York City and asked her about Steve Jobs, the late co-founder of Apple.

Cohen told the magazine that Jobs is "not in hell," though "he's had to do a lot reviewing of his life. Right now he knows the lesson he has to learn, but he hasn't learned it yet."

She also said that Jobs has "guides" in the afterlife that are trying to teach him that "survival of the fittest is a made up thing," and that he needed to be more concerned for the wellbeing of others.

Cohen states that when she first got in contact with Jobs, she had "a rough couple of days." She describes Jobs as a "very critical spirit," and if she had to work with him when he was alive, she would probably end up "crying every day."

When asked for Jobs' reaction to the mention of Foxconn, Cohen says that Jobs gives her a lot of laughter, "but a lot of harsh laughter."

Foxconn is the company that constructs many Apple products and has been a source of controversy due to human rights violations.

Jobs previously attended Reed College in Portland, Ore., before starting Apple Computers in 1976.

Question

Car wash worker sees image of the Virgin Mary

Virgin Mary?
© Townsquare Media NJImage believed to be the Virgin Mary on a window at the Olden Avenue Car Wash.
Olden Avenue Car Wash attendant Alex Leiva says he saw the image of the Virgin Mary while at work Monday morning.

A cloud of smoke caught Leiva's attention as he was preparing for work.

When the smoke cleared, he saw the image of the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus in one of the car wash windows, he said.

Leiva was able to snap a few photos on his phone before the image disappeared. He proceeded to send the photos to his family in Honduras, as well as local pastors and ministers.

Pumpkin 2

France: The €11.7 quadrillion phone bill!

A woman in Pessac, near Bordeaux, was stunned when she opened her telephone bill from Bouygues Telecom - it was for €11,721,000,000,000,000 or €11.7 quadrillion.
phone bill
© Wisky - Fotolia.com
Solenne San Jose said it nearly gave her a heart attack - and it got no better when she contacted Bouygues Telecom customer service, the woman refused to believe there was a problem.

She told Sud Ouest she was on the phone for 45 minutes and still the woman refused to accept there was a mistake.

"When I explained that there was obviously a mistake she replied that the totals were calculated automatically and that the debits would start automatically."

Bullseye

The final presidential debates: Obama v Romney

Electile Dysfunction. It's nearing the end of 2012, and bastion of world democracy (The United States of America) is displaying its free and open process of elections for the world to observe. As is customary every four years, the rigorous selection process has served up a number of philosopher kings and queens from which to choose. But why have so many choices when with a bit of effort you can whittle it down to two candidates and let the people pick from those? Especially when it makes for such scintillating debates. Join Juice Rap News stalwart host Robert Foster as he shares his dreams for the Presidential Debates... and then receives something of a rude awakening.

Smiley

Hotshots play football with 'ball' that's on fire

Jakarta, Indonesia - Any goal in this match is bound to be a scorcher.

Because these boys play a harder version of the beautiful game with a ball of flames instead of a plastic version, according to an article featured on MirrorOnline, a social media networking website.

The bizarre sport is popular in boarding schools across East Java, Indonesia. Coconuts are soaked in flammable liquid for two days before being ignited and kicked about by bare-footed players for 60 minutes.

Some boys at the game in Kediri prayed not to get burnt before heading to the pitch. Match organizer Ali Akhyar said: "We make a fireball to test the guts of the students."


Smiley

Sixth grader gets third eye in school picture

Tilde
© Skolfoto Norden
When Swedish sixth grader Tilde Nörgaard opened her recently-delivered school class photo album, she was shocked to discover her picture showed her with one eye too many.

"First everyone was laughing, Tilde too, because we thought it was funny," Tilde's sister Anna told The Local.

"But then we noticed it made her sad and we realized it was actually quite bad that they never noticed the mistake."

The photo-fixing foul-up was discovered following the distribution two weeks ago of the annual photo album for students at Månesköld school in Lidköping in central Sweden.

According to Tilde, there was nothing unusual at the actual picture-taking session, during which the photographer took several snaps of each class at the school.

But during the processing of the pics, something went wrong, resulting in a third eye placed in the middle of Tilde's forehead.

Speaking with the local Nya Lidköpings-Tidningen (NLT), Tilde explained the obvious mix up left her "a little angry".

Black Magic

Your bizarre eBay item of the week: a jar containing the ghost of golf legend Bobby Jones

Bobby Jones
© BuzzFed.com
Bobby Jones is a golfing legend who captured 13 major championships in his career before retiring from competition at the age of 28. Jones shuffled off this mortal coil in December 1971, but fear not golf fans, because there's a current eBay auction that may pique your interest if you're a fan of Jones and/or unique golf memorabilia.

Seems that the eBay seller known as rklassman started hearing voices in and around his golf clubs repeating the word Syringomyelia, which just so happens to be the disease that took the life of Jones at 69-years-old. Eventually the voice transformed into the ghostly apparition of Jones, and, well, I'll let the auction description fill you in on the rest of the details.

From eBay...

Bomb

Satire: Romney proudly explains how he's turned campaign around: 'I'm lying more.'

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Romney and his staffers say the candidate’s new lying strategy has already paid significant dividends.
Boston - For weeks many Beltway insiders had written off the Romney campaign as dead, saying the candidate had dug himself into too deep a hole with too little time to recover. However, with a month to go before ballots are cast, Romney has pulled even with President Obama, and the former Massachusetts governor credits his rejuvenated campaign to one, singular tactic: lying a lot.

"I'm lying a lot more, and my lies are far more egregious than they've ever been," a smiling Romney told reporters while sitting in the back of his campaign bus, adding that when faced with a choice to either lie or tell the truth, he will more than likely lie. "It's a strategy that works because when I lie, I'm essentially telling people what they want to hear, and people really like hearing things they want to hear. Even if they sort of know that nothing I'm saying is true."

"It's a freeing strategy, really, because I don't have to worry about facts or being accurate or having any concrete positions of any kind," Romney added.

Romney said he is telling at least 80 percent more lies now than he was two months ago. Buoyed by his strong debate performance, which by his own admission included 40 or 50 instances of lying in one 90-minute period, the candidate said he will continue to "just openly lie [his] ass off" until the Nov. 6 election.

Whether it's a senior citizen, military family, working mother, businessman, or middle-class American, Romney said, he will lie to every single one of them as often as he can if that's what it takes to win the presidency.

"The best part is, it's really easy to lie," said Romney, who added that voicing whatever untruths come into his mind at any given moment is an easy thing to do because all it requires is opening his mouth and talking. "For example, if someone accuses me of having a tax plan that makes no discernable sense, I just lie and say that I do have a tax plan that makes sense. I also say there is a study that backs up my plan. See that? Simple. None of it is remotely true, of course, but now we're moving on to the next topic because people are usually too afraid to ask me straight up if I'm lying, because that is apparently not something you ask someone who is running for president."

Moreover, Romney said, if anyone does accuse him of lying, he will simply say he is not lying, which he noted is just an extension of the overall strategy.

"So, if I'm talking to retirees," Romney continued, "I lie and say I'll fight tooth and nail to save Medicare, which causes them to applaud. On the other hand, if I'm talking to the party base, I lie and say we have to cut Medicare, which causes them to applaud. So, you see, my goal here is to get everyone applauding for me, because if everyone is clapping their hands, standing on their feet, and shouting my name, that means they like me and will vote for me."

Romney's campaign advisers said that they adopted the strategy of lying a lot after realizing several things: (1) Lying sounds good, especially when the truth sounds bad, (2) the American media doesn't care if you lie, (3) the American people don't care if you lie, and (4) it's okay to lie if you are very, very desperate to become the president of the United States.

"If we're going to be carried into the White House, it's going to have to be on a wave of lies," Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades said. "Most important, Mitt is comfortable when he is lying because then he doesn't have to say anything bad. And in this last month it's important that we just let Mitt be Mitt, whoever the hell that is."

"It's late in the game, but this campaign has finally found its groove," Rhoades added. "And that groove is lying. Bald-faced, make-no-apologies, dirty, filthy lying."

According to Romney, amidst all the lies, there is only one thing that remains true.

"I literally have no clue where I stand on any single issue at this point," said Romney, adding that when it comes to women's rights, gay rights, health care, the middle class, the economy, or the U.S. military, all he knows is how to lie about them. "I understand what other people want. And what I've learned, especially in the past week, is that in order to be a viable candidate for the White House, that's all you really need to know."

Following the interview, Romney told various reporters that, if elected, he would save the newspaper industry.

Black Cat 2

Dog adopts abandoned kitten

Yet another headlining case of an unexpected animal friendship recently surfaced in Jordan, Minnesota when a family discovered a kitten alone in their barn for whom they had little hope for survival. The family brought the young feline - now named Bootsie - into their home, and before long, their Pekingese dog, Mittens, began affectionately licking and nudging the kitten, until ultimately lying down beside him.

After three days, 4-year-old Mittens, who had not been pregnant in two years, developed milk for the feeble kitten and nursed Bootsie back to health.
Bootsie and Mittens
© Renee Jones SchneiderBootsie (left) and Mittens (right) share a special bond.
Pat Weber, whose grandson discovered the abandoned charcoal-gray kitten, told the Star Tribune, "I couldn't believe it at first."