Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


USA

Best of the Web: U.S. flag recalled after causing 143 million deaths


The Onion
Fri, 04 Jul 2014 15:26 UTC
Image
Flags affected by the recall range from halftime-show extravaganza models to the smallest lapel pins.
Washington - Citing a series of fatal malfunctions dating back to 1777, flag manufacturer Annin & Company announced Monday that it would be recalling all makes and models of its popular American flag from both foreign and domestic markets.

Representatives from the nation's leading flag producer claimed that as many as 143 million deaths in the past two centuries can be attributed directly to the faulty U.S. models, which have been utilized extensively since the 18th century in sectors as diverse as government, the military, and public education.

"It has come to our attention that, due to the inherent risks and hazards it poses, the American flag is simply unfit for general use," said Annin & Company president Ronald Burman, who confirmed that the number of flag-related deaths had noticeably spiked since 2003. "I would like to strongly urge all U.S. citizens: If you have an American flag hanging in your home or place of business, please discontinue using it immediately."
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War Whore

Exposed! Yet another face of his evil manifest: John Kerry the ISIS Jihadist


The Onion
Wed, 25 Jun 2014 11:20 UTC
Image
John Kerry, war whore - whatever his attire!
Erbil, Iraq - After meeting with senior Iraqi leaders to discuss the country's increasing sectarian violence, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry retired to his hotel room Wednesday, where he is said to have donned the black clothing and black face mask commonly worn by ISIS militants while reportedly murmuring to his reflection that in order to defeat one's enemy, one must become them. "I must know their strengths, their weaknesses - I must see the world as they do if ever I am to triumph," the 70-year-old cabinet official said while wrapping a bandolier of ammunition around his waist and over his shoulders, one of several steps Kerry reportedly carefully undertook to "make [himself] one and the same" with the Sunni militant group. "It is said that if you know your enemies as you know yourself, you will be inviolable in many thousands of battles. So it shall be with me. He who is shrewdest shall be victorious." The fully black-clad elder statesman was then seen reciting the writings of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, telling himself that "There is no John Kerry; you are Abu Amir now," and then vanishing into the darkness of the desert night.

Comment: For a current, objective appraisal of designed Middle East mayhem: Psycho Reality Creators open gates of hell in Iraq with proxy Jihadis

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Smiley

America to restrict freedom the day before the celebration of freedom


Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 03 Jul 2014 15:46 UTC
TSA
© waterfordwhispersnews.com
In the 24 hours leading up to America's Fourth Of July celebrations, a number of freedom reducing, freedom enhancement measures will be taken in the country's airports.

Citing credible terrorist threats, US Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson admitted security would be tightened ahead of America's Independence Day celebrations in order to protect US freedoms.

"We will continue to adjust security measures to promote aviation security without unnecessary disruptions to the travelling public," Johnson said.

American airports are expected to maintain their 'permission to step' policy which sees people entering airports ask permission to take a step in any direction. A panel of security experts and TSA agents are convened to discuss each step request on merit before allowing the requested step take place. This is then repeated for every subsequent step.
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Gold Seal

King Midas? Golden 'Putinphones' sell out in just 1 day (at $4,350 a pop!)


RT
Thu, 03 Jul 2014 15:41 UTC
Putin phone
© caviar-phone.ruPutin's got that ol' Midas touch.
A limited series of 44 golden iPhones featuring the portrait of Russian leader Vladimir Putin has been sold in just one day. The success of the sale proves that the patriotism in Russia is on the rise, says Italian luxury brand manufacturer Caviar Phone.

"A limited series of 44 golden IPhones with the portrait of the President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin, which became an object of attention from Russian and foreign media (from BBC to NewsRu.com), was sold in the first day of the sales starting," Caviar Phone said in a statement about the mobile phones, which are being marketed under the brand "Supremo Putin." The internet boutique produces exclusive items from Italian designer Elia Giacometti.

Taking into consideration the success of the first series and a growing demand for IPhones with the portrait of the Russian president on them, the company decided to launch another series with Putin's portrait on them.

Among those who bought a luxurious phone with the famous leader's image on them are representatives from business, politics and culture. A famous film director, a TV host, two top managers of an oil company and a gold medal winner of the Sochi 2014 Olympic Games have bought the iPhones, Caviar Phone said in its statement.

The company didn't reveal which countries the buyers came from.

The Italian company says the popularity of the "Supremo Putin" brand phones can be explained by the Russian president being an "extraordinary personality" who can find "ingenious political solutions."
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Smiley

Monty Python reunion shows coming to London


AFP
Mon, 30 Jun 2014 18:00 UTC
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Cult British comedy troupe Monty Python promised Monday their long-awaited reunion shows in London would feature scantily clad dancers and astrophysicist Stephen Hawking - alongside the inevitable dead parrot.

The five surviving members of the group - John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle and Terry Jones - open a 10-night residency at the O2 Arena on Tuesday, their first live performances together since 1980.

The £4.5 million ($7.7 million, 5.6 million euros) show will see classic sketches interspersed with big song and dance numbers - no mean undertaking for men in their seventies.

"I'm quite worn out even after the first number," Palin, 71, told reporters on the eve of the opening night.

Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, who at 70 is still leaping about the stage, filmed a skit for the Pythons in which he feigned surprise that they were still going.

"I mean, who wants to see that again?... A bunch of wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth, and make a load of money," Jagger said, tongue firmly in cheek.
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Pumpkin

Obama seeks help: Moderate Syrian rebel application form

Andy Borowitz
The New Yorker
Tue, 01 Jul 2014 06:10 UTC
Moderate Syrian rebel application form
© RGA/REA/Redux.
After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help "train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition," the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form:

Welcome to the United States' Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:
A) Moderate
B) Very moderate
C) Crazy moderate
D) Other

I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:
A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

Comment: In case you were in doubt this is a satire!

What remains a fact is that Obama wants to arm Syrian rebels to the tune of $500 million, but only the moderate ones. And for this reason the U.S want to vet them. It is also a fact that the White House has been funding the terrorists fighting in Syria for years and that these terrorists now are creating chaos in Iraq. Chaos by design!

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Gear

About time! Only Girls - A French all-female garage for women tired of getting ripped off

Sumitra
Oddity Central
Mon, 30 Jun 2014 21:41 UTC
girls only garage
© Only Girls
'Only Girls' is a new garage designed to make women feel comfortable, especially those who are tired of being shortchanged by deceitful mechanics. It recently opened in the Saint-Ouen-l'Aumone suburb of northwestern Paris.

The garage opened just a month ago and it has already had around 40 customers, two-thirds of which were women. The concept of an all-female garage stands to be a big hit because Only Girls aims to offer women motorists exactly what they need - respect. Many women claim to have a tough time getting their cars fixed at regular garages, because mechanics do not take women seriously and quote higher prices than they would for male customers.

"When you're a woman, it's like you've got 'sucker' tattooed on your forehead," said Sandrine Hautenne, 42. "One time, I went round to three different garages, and got three different estimates. Since then, I've sent my uncle to get estimates and guess what? The prices have dropped!"

girls only garage
© Only Girls
Sandrine is now a regular at Only Girls, and she's quite delighted with their service. Right from the cam belt to brake pads, a female mechanic gave her a 15-minute run down on her car. "If it had been a man, he wouldn't have explained any of this to me," she remarked.

Only Girls provides a stress-free experience and a whole lot of entertainment options for women while they wait for their cars to get fixed. The waiting room is a far cry from traditional garages, done up in mauve wallpaper, hardwood floors, velvet sofas and flickering candles. They also have a children's playroom and a beauty corner where women can get their nails done. "They're so welcoming here," said 25-year-old Jennifer Collon.
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2 + 2 = 4

Humans shocked they still haven't figured out alternative to letting power-hungry assholes decide everything


The Onion
Wed, 25 Jun 2014 18:22 UTC
onion
Billions worldwide agreed that, by this point in human civilization, they would have expected a better process than entrusting all their political, commercial, and social decisions to vindictive, self-absorbed ****ers.
Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet to devise a better alternative to governing itself than always letting power-hungry assholes run everything, sources worldwide reported.

Individuals in every country on earth voiced their frustration that, in spite of generations of mistreatment, neglect, and abuse they have suffered at the hands of those in positions of authority, they continue to allow control over the world's governments, businesses, and virtually every other type of organization and social group to fall to the most megalomaniacal pricks among them.

"We've all seen what this system leads to, so you'd think that by now, someone, somewhere would have sat down and thought up another way to keep our societies functioning without giving all the power to arrogant, amoral dicks whose only concern is improving their own status," said Mumbai software designer Ankan Rao, one of 7.1 billion humans who conveyed continued surprise that their species has so far proven incapable of formulating a method of governance that was even slightly more tolerable. "Everybody dislikes the people in charge and everybody knows they're only serving their own personal agendas at the expense of everyone else, but we just keep allowing these jerks to make our decisions time and time again. And it's not just here - it's everywhere in the world."

"Boy, maybe we shouldn't do that anymore," Rao added. "Anyone have any better ideas?"

Speaking with reporters, citizens across the planet unanimously expressed their bafflement at the consistency with which they either formally or informally select corrupt and self-obsessed sacks of shit for leadership roles in all facets of life, including positions atop corporate boards, judicial and legislative bodies, religious institutions, parent-teacher associations, the military, intramural softball teams, and international and national professional associations, as well as groups of friends deciding where to eat.

Comment: The Onion nails it. You know things are bad when satire isn't so much satire anymore, but cold hard reality.

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Smiley

French boy fakes kidnapping to avoid the dentist


thelocal.fr
Fri, 20 Jun 2014 16:00 UTC
Image
© Shutterstock
Fear of the dentist can make people do strange things to avoid having their teeth checked including inventing a story that you have been kidnapped, as one boy in France did recently. Police spent a month investigating his tale.

The dentist is never the favourite place for children but some youngsters will go to greater lengths than others to avoid having to see one, it seems.

One 12-year-old boy in a village in the Alpine village St Gervais even went as far as telling police he had been kidnapped so he wouldn't have to see the tooth doctor, French paper Midi Libre reported.

The youngster was picked up by police, who spotted him hiding, as they patrolled through the village during the afternoon of May 21.

When quizzed by police the youngster immediately said he had been abducted from the nearby town of Bagnols.
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UFO

Aloha, aliens: Landing pad for extra terrestrials in Hawaii

Nancy Cook Lauer
Stephens Media Hawaii, West Hawaii Today
Sat, 21 Jun 2014 01:01 UTC
UFO Landing Pad
© barry-julie.blogspot
If all goes as planned, E.T. may soon be calling Puna home.

A UFO landing pad and star visitor sanctuary is set to be dedicated Friday on land accreted by the 1983 lava flow fronting Uncle Robert's Kawa Bar in Kalapana.

The 4 p.m. cleansing, purifying and dedication of an 80-foot diameter landing pad naturally formed by the lava on 500 new acres kicks off a three-day Native Hawaiian sustainability conference. The conference, which is being separately organized from the star visitor event, includes Hawaiian music and sessions on sustainability from a range of Hawaiian and non-Hawaiian speakers.

The Hawaii Star Visitor Sanctuary will be the second piece of land officially dedicated for the purpose of inviting extraterrestrial visitors to land and to promote peaceful relations with them, according to information provided by the Exopolitics Institute News Service.

The first landing pad was dedicated in 1967 in the city of St Paul in the Canadian province of Alberta, the news service said in a May 31 article.

"It's potentially controversial," acknowledged Garry Hoffeld, Big Island coordinator for the reinstated Kingdom of Hawaii and assistant to Hawaiian Nobel Robert Keliihoomalu, owner of Uncle Robert's. "It's potentially funny to some people, potentially stupid to some people."

"We're not crazy; we're open-minded," Hoffeld added.
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