Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Hearts

Best of the Web: Magellanic penguin swims 5,000 miles every year for reunion with the man who saved his life

Dimdim
© TV GloboBest buds.
Today's most heartwarming story is brought to you from a beach in Brazil.

It's the story of a South American Magellanic penguin who swims 5,000 miles each year to be reunited with the man who saved his life.

Retired bricklayer and part time fisherman Joao Pereira de Souza, 71, who lives in an island village just outside Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, found the tiny penguin, covered in oil and close to death, lying on rocks on his local beach in 2011.

Joao cleaned the oil off the penguin's feathers and fed him a daily diet of fish to build his strength. He named him Dindim.

After a week, he tried to release the penguin back into the sea. But, the bird wouldn't leave. 'He stayed with me for 11 months and then, just after he changed his coat with new feathers, he disappeared,' Joao recalls.

And, just a few months later, Dindim was back. He spotted the fisherman on the beach one day and followed him home.

For the past five years, Dindim has spent eight months of the year with Joao and is believed to spend the rest of the time breeding off the coast of Argentina and Chile.

Smiley

With everything else that is going on around the world, Sunday shopping is the least of the problems, says God

The Almighty
© News Thump
God is less bothered about Sunday trading than he is about the various atrocities occurring around the world.

"He that is called I am" made the rare public statement following discussions by Parliament regarding the relaxing of Sunday trading laws.

"Yeah, it's a comparatively small thing," shrugged the self-styled way, truth and light.

"I mean maybe talk about stopping all these wars, the general demonization of the poor and afflicted and the fact that you've given some kind of platform to that mistake I made that you call Katie Hopkins...once you've handled all of that, then maybe the time at which you shop for tat in Primark might look important.

"I mean seriously, at the rate you're going, I'm considering sending myself to earth again in human form. And it's not because some of you are trawling round Lidl of a Sunday afternoon."

Local MP, Norman Bugger-Crumpets, said, "Don't get me wrong, it's nice to hear from God, but he has absolutely no place in this debate.

"I doubt he has much need to do food shopping anyway what with that magic trick he can do with bread and fish."

God retorted, "That was actually my son, although technically he's me as well. So yeah, fair enough."

Smiley

Ghost government: US special districts

Special districts spend more public money than all city governments combined. That's odd considering most of us don't know they exist.


Jet3

Top western theories about flight MH370 mystery: 1. It flew into a black hole 2. Putin ate it

putin eating ice cream
Many experts believe that Putin also ate Amelia Earhart
'An expert is a man on television'

No one knows for sure what happened to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, but at least one person on television thinks that it could have been sucked into a black hole. The black hole theory is compelling, but not everyone is convinced. Other experts insist that Russian President Vladimir Putin straight-up ate the entire plane.

Who's right? Let's review the evidence.

Comment: While the "Putin ate it" theory is close to the level that western propaganda has sunk to lately in order to demonize everything that Russia does, the black hole theory might actually not be that far off. See our forum thread on the topic: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 - Missing Plane


Sherlock

SOTT Focus: Video rant with Relic: US presidential elections - coming soon to a circus near you!

Relic
Old Relic: Sitting Around the Fire
Sit down for a spell with Old Relic as he throws some dry split birch onto a warm cozy fire and rants poetic about the discordant state of world affairs. Long retired now, after receiving his PhD in colouring outside the lines, this intrepid reporter joined the SOTT team after burning down his TV with a copy of the New York Times.

Reporting from his isolated one-room log cabin on the cold northern shores of Upper Lake Canada, this grizzled cantankerous old curmudgeon shares his uniquely astigmatic perspective on the recent US presidential nomination process and carefully examines each the prospective candidates in turn.


Pistol

Psychiatric hospitals fill up with time travellers sent back to kill Donald Trump

Donald
The one who should be in a psychiatric facility
Psychiatric facilities across the United States are at breaking point after the number of people claiming to be sent from the future to stop Donald Trump reached epidemic proportions.

New research has shown that every ten minutes someone claiming to the from the future sent back to save humanity is admitted to a hospital somewhere in the US.

Dr Simon Williams told us, "We're struggling to cope to be honest. We're constantly booking people in who've been arrested before telling police they are on a secret mission from the future, and have to save the world.

7 monkeys
"It used to be 'I'm Napoleon' - but not any more.

"To say you've been sent from the future to stop Donald Trump is a very unusual psychological delusion, especially to be suffered by so many people, with such a similar stated aim.

Bad Guys

Donald Trump's fascist Week

Donald Trump comes under fire for unknowingly tweeting a Benito Mussolini quote, and he may have more in common with the fascism founder than he realizes.

Megaphone

Make Donald Drumpf Again: John Oliver tackles Donald Trump - The result is awesome

john oliver trump
© Last Week Tonight/YouTubeJohn Oliver shreds Donald Trump apart, exposing his lies with hilarious panache
On this week's episode of Last Week Tonight, John Oliver feels he can no longer ignore Donald Trump, as his campaign approaches cancer-like intensity:
We have mostly ignored Trump on this show, but he has now won three states, been endorsed by Chris Christie and polls show him leading most Super Tuesday states, which is a big deal. Since 1988 every candidate who's won the most states on Super Tuesday went on to become their parties' nominee. So at this point, Donald Trump is America's back mole: it may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it has got frighteningly bigger, it is no longer wise to ignore it.

Comment: Be sure to hit up your social media, share this post or the video and don't forget the hashtag #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain


Smiley

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster allowed to perform marriage ceremonies in New Zealand

Ministroni Karen
© Ross Giblin/Fairfax NZKaren Martyn has become the first ever legal marriage celebrant, or "Ministroni", for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in New Zealand.
Martyn reckons it is the fastest growing religion in the world, and her legal title now means she can marry people in a "pasta-ific" way.

The Wellington-based celebrant, whose official title is now "Ministeroni", will travel and perform ceremonies across New Zealand.

"It's great. It is really powerful for the church and the community. It gives us far more choices. Prior to that we only had a registrar or independent celebrants," she said.

Although she hasn't had the chance to wed a couple wanting to tie the noodley knot since the Department of Internal Affairs gave her the green light in December, she said there is a lot of interest from around the country.

She said she would not charge for her services, but will expect her travel to be paid for.

Arrow Up

Watch out NATO: Russia's developed a batmobile

russian batmobile
© Youtube
Russian President Vladimir Putin has personally inspected an array of new armored vehicles designed for the country's special forces.

Kremlin spokesman Dmitry Peskov said that the president was presented with the hardware after it was inspected by a Federal Security Service panel.

Comment: NATO's got nothing on this!