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The World for People who Think
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S
© The Babylon Bee
"The state has been inundated with an influx of U-Hauls because of all the Californians leaving their state," said Henry Gugelface, lead engineer of the Texas border wall project. "We were hesitant to send the trucks back to California because we are so tired of Californians. Utilizing the excess U-Haul trucks for the border wall killed two birds with one stone!"
The new stretch of border wall fills in gaps east of El Paso where migrants have been traveling into the country by the thousands. Now, though Hispanics have been braving an unforgiving desert landscape and river water to reach America, they are finding themselves stopped cold by a pile of U-Haul trucks haphazardly thrown together.
"Nothing can penetrate our great wall," Gov Abbott told members of the press. "It's been so successful that we're considering building a wall around the entire state just to keep other Americans out. Yeah, boy! Yee haw!"
At publishing time, shares of Budget Truck Rental's stock have surged as Californians resort to U-Haul alternatives in a desperate attempt to leave their state behind.
Thunberg originally made headlines in August 2018, when she, at age 15, began protesting outside of the Swedish Parliament on Fridays when she was supposed to be in class. She called for the government to take stronger actions to fight climate change by holding up a sign reading "Skolstrejk för klimatet" or School strike for climate.
Thunberg began rallying similar protests in other communities, organizing a school climate strike movement called Fridays for Future. After Thunberg addressed the United Nations Climate Change Conference that same year, school strikes began taking place all over the world. In 2019, there were multiple coordinated multi-city protests involving over a million students each.
Comment: Now that she's the age where she should have graduated, can we really say she's still on a school-strike? Isn't she just unemployed now?
© The Babylon Bee
"It's impossible to overstate just how close we came to losing our fully armed and operational Washington D.C.," said FBI Director Wray. "A direct hit from an AR-15 on the thermal exhaust port on the southeast corner of the White House roof would set off a chain reaction that would destroy the entire District of Columbia."
Sources also claimed that since Trump's sons had extensive experience bulls-eyeing baby elephants in Africa that are no larger than 2 meters, it was only a matter of time before "insurrectionist scum" made a move to destroy the entire facility.
"Just think — Washington D.C. could have been destroyed!" said Director Wray. "The FBI just saved Washington D.C.!" Reports confirmed that FBI approval plunged another 12 points after Wray's statement.
At publishing time, sources confirmed that Trump also had possession of the One Ring, which is now being safely returned to the nation's capital.
"You gotta play 4D Chess with these teachers," said Mr. Conners. "I'm hoping this trick will ensure our son is still a son at the end of the school year."
Sources say thousands of parents around the country are employing tricks to protect their impressionable youngsters from gender indoctrination and grooming — including cross-dressing their kids, attaching microphones to listen in to student/teacher conversations, and even homeschooling.
"Sending kids to school these days is like throwing chum to a frenzy of hungry sharks," said Mrs. Connors. "They don't even learn math and reading anymore. Now that I think about it, why are we even still doing this school thing? I forget."
At publishing time, the boy's teacher — who thought he was a girl — groomed him back to being a boy. Unfortunately, the boy now identifies as "two-spirit."
© WBGH.org
- It is hot. - If you go outside and it's a bit toasty, you can't deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
- It is cold. - If you go outside and it's a bit nippy, you can't deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
- It is raining. - Rain is absolute proof of climate change.
- It is not raining. - A lack of rain is absolute proof of climate change.
- It's a pleasant day. - A nice day outside? In Minnesota? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
- It's not a pleasant day. - A not-so-nice day outside? In California? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
- It's snowing. - It has literally never snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
- It's not snowing. - It has literally never not snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
- It is summer. - When it's summer, it's hot, proving the climate is changing.
- It is winter. - When it's winter, it's cold, proving the climate is changing.
© Waterford Whispers News
Elizabeth Windsor, one of the worst land horders in all of the UK is understood to be living alone in the 775 room, 240 bedroom building which if sold could go some way to easing the accommodation woes of many Londoners.
A letter seen by WWN addressed to Miss Windsor implores her to vacate her 240 bedroom mansion and consider a nice duplex in a retirement community outside Brighton among other options.
"It is incumbent of the council to point out that no 96-year-old needs that much fucking room. While we understand your claims that your children are like leeches and would be lost without you, selling the property and downsizing could also provide them with a small windfall," read one of the nicer sections of the letter.
© RONALD PATRICK/GETTY IMAGES
"I've been paying attention to see whether reports of Mandela Effects might increase, now that CERN's Large Hadron Collider fired back up again," Larson, the author of Reality Shifts and Quantum Jumps, told Motherboard. "So far I've not yet noticed large-scale reports of new Mandela Effects in the past day or so, though it does seem there is a large and growing interest in the Mandela Effect."
CERN has noticed.
© The Babylon Bee
"I'm at a point in my career where I need to grow and be challenged and that's not going to happen here with Vice President Harris. I want to move into the big leagues and start writing for legends like Big Bird, and Bert and Ernie," said Singh. "With Sesame Street, I'll be writing more intricately crafted speeches for an audience that simply won't tolerate rambling, incoherent gibberish."
"We've had our eye on Kamala's speech writer for some time," said a Sesame Street spokesperson. "The way she effortlessly puts together a speech that's obviously intended for children, using small, simple words and overused repetition — we knew we had our new Elmo writer. Frankly, we didn't even know it was possible to make our puppets say 'work together' that many times in one paragraph."
According to sources, Kamala has responded to the situation by laughing nervously in a corner for hours on end. Top Democrats fear that Kamala may now try to write her own speeches.
At publishing time, the Biden Administration hoped to hire the writing team from Dora the Explorer to write speeches for Kamala, but they rejected the offer following Dr. Jill Biden's comments calling Dora a breakfast taco.
© BIGSTOCKJames Webb Space Telescope looking at galaxies.
But it's time to stop being dazzled and to start being offended.
James Webb may have served in the US Marine Corps, held a senior role at the State Department, and been appointed by President John F. Kennedy as Administrator of NASA during the heyday of the space race. What really matters, however, is that Webb lived in the homophobic 1950s and may even have been homophobic himself.
Rumours of Communist infiltration of the American government during that era made the US fearful that homosexual employees could be blackmailed by the Soviets on the basis of their taboo lifestyle. This was known as the "Lavender Scare", and it led to the sacking of gay members of the civil service.
Comment: Yes, yes it is. And by that token, so are computers. We must cancel them too.
Comment: Bonus Bee!