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Tue, 18 Jan 2022
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CDC: 'Just because you got the vaccine doesn't mean you should go outside or ever experience joy again'

CDC rules
The CDC has issued a reminder that just because people get the vaccine, that doesn't mean they should go outside, experience human interaction, or have any kind of joy or happiness in their lives ever again.

"We noticed people were getting the vaccine and then just assuming because vaccines are designed to make people immune to viruses that they are immune to the virus. Then, they were doing crazy things like going outside, interacting with other people, and being happy," said a CDC spokesperson. "And all of this because doctors and scientists kept pushing the vaccine as though it were a cure-all solution that would make you immune to the virus. Well, that view is now considered anti-SCIENCE. And if you disagree with SCIENCE, you are literally murdering grandma. Literally. Like with a baseball bat."

The newly revised guidelines indicate that people who have not yet been vaccinated should stay home, masked, in a bubble, forever. Those who have been vaccinated should do the exact same thing, except they are allowed to have a smug look on their faces for being vaccinated. Except you can't see the smug look. Because of the mask.

What is the benefit of getting vaccinated, then? "Well, there are many benefits," the CDC spokesperson said. "But the best benefit of all, of course, is that you're on the right side of history. But still, stay in your home and be sad and depressed forever."


138,000 points suddenly awarded to losing team at Superbowl halftime

superbowl points awarded cheat election fraud
© The Babylon Bee
Though they had been trailing in the Super Bowl throughout most of the first quarter, the Kansas City Chiefs were suddenly awarded 138,000 points at halftime, sources confirmed Sunday evening.

"After closer examination, we discovered several more points scored by the Chiefs that we had missed initially," said one official. "Sometimes these things show up in the instant replay footage."

After receiving the exciting news, the halftime show transitioned into a victory celebration for the winning team.

"We hope this small irregularity doesn't undermine your faith in our officiating," said an NFL spokesperson.

Eye 1

AOC claims she was killed in the capitol riots and is now a ghost

AOC ghost
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the world's smartest socialist, gave more harrowing testimony of her experience during the January 6th riot at the Capitol. She said it was even worse than what she had previously revealed, stating that she was, in fact, killed by the riot and is now a ghost.

"It was a very scary riot," said the ghostly apparition of Ocasio-Cortez. "Not like one of those nice Black Lives Matter ones where all that happened was someone's barbershop or something got burned down. So scary, in fact, that I was killed by it. Murdered. Murdered by Ted Cruz. Woo-ooo!"

The press conference brought the journalists in attendance to tears. The moment was almost ruined, though, by Representative Nancy Mace, who tried to deny Ocasio-Cortez's trauma by saying she isn't actually a ghost and then tried to pull off of Ocasio-Cortez what Mace claimed was just a sheet with eye holes. Mace was booed by all the reporters.

Legend has it that Ocasio-Cortez now haunts the halls of the Capitol, making loud bumps and noises in the night -- though some claim that's just because she sometimes gets the sheet on backward.


Casino claims slot machines aren't rigged, just 'fortified'

casino slot machines
"The house always wins," the saying goes. Many people feel the games and machines in Las Vegas are rigged so you can't ever really come out on top. But one casino boss is insisting that the games aren't actually rigged -- they're just "fortified."

"We did not rig the slot machines to ensure we always come out on top -- we just fortified them," said the owner of Don Benny's Casino just outside Las Vegas, Bob Casino. "We had a powerful, secret cabal of honest, hard-working mobsters and mathematicians working under cover of night to change the rules, secretly coming together to work the odds against the player so there is no way they can win."

"Hey, I won!" cried a player at a nearby slot machine as a siren blared. Mr. Casino nodded at two men in suits standing by, and they swiftly moved in to break the player's kneecaps and take him into a back room for questioning. "This isn't fair! You can't do this! It's rigged!"

Mr. Casino shrugged and took a puff of his cigar. "We prefer the term 'fortified."

"That's just Vegas, baby."

Comment: For the less funny version, see:


Helpful Psaki gifts reporters with a list of questions to ask her

Jen Psaki
Many of the White House correspondents are finding White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki to be much more accommodating than the previous administration's press secretary. She's so accommodating that she saves the reporter's work by coming up with the questions they're allowed to ask her.

Comment: After 4 years of struggle under the "tyranny" of Donald Trump and his administration, democracy is finally back in the USA! Which means you get to ask only what is permitted to ask, cease thinking critically and let the government decide what is best for you.

If the regime had its way, we'd all just pretend that we don't see what's going on and enjoy "democracy".


The GOAT of Zoom call ideas: 'Insane' success of goat Zooms nets Rossendale farm £50k

goat farm
Ms McCarthy said hiring out goats, including Sebastian and Lulu (above), is easier than selling manure
A farmer who was half kidding when she suggested hiring out her goats out for Zoom meetings during lockdown has said making £50,000 shows it was no joke.

Dot McCarthy, from Rossendale in Lancashire, said the number of people paying for "show goat" Lola and others to butt in on calls had been "insane".

She said it had kept Cronkshaw Fold Farm open and staff in work and had also paid for improvements to the site.

She added that it was "more fun" than selling manure to make ends meet.

People 2

Suicidal Logic of Feminist Professor: Heterosexuality Ruins Everything

Ruined wedding cake
© istockphoto
If you're sending your kids to any US college outside of a very short, offbeat list of self-consciously conservative colleges, they're going to meet up with some very surprising ideas. And probably soak them in, like the conformists most young people are. In fact, many high schools are already teaching stuff that would ... alarm parents attentive to the weal of their children's souls.

Meet a feminist college professor who's taking mainstream leftist ideas ... just a few short steps further down the slippery Gadarene slope. Insider magazine cites and celebrates Jane Ward, a sexuality and gender professor at University of California Riverside and author of The Tragedy of Heterosexuality.

Ward does not represent some ludicrous fringe. She is not a crank. Instead, she's a tenured faculty member in a large department at a major taxpayer-funded university. So resist the temptation to chuckle and wave off her ideas.

In fact, thanks to the Supreme Court's Bostock decision (Thanks, Justice Gorsuch!) and Joe Biden's latest executive order enforcing it, Ward's ideas fit better with the law of the land in America than your beliefs and mine. It may soon be impossible to contest them on social media, and illegal to resist them. Okay?

Comment: See also:


BLM nominated for new Nobel 'Mostly Peaceful' Prize

blm nobel peace prize
The Nobel Committee has announced they have nominated Black Lives Matter for the brand new Nobel "Mostly Peaceful" Prize for its hard work bringing attention to racism by burning down cities around the world.

"No one has done more to contribute to the cause of 'mostly peace' than Black Lives Matter," said Norwegian MP Petter Eide. "They brought attention to racism, and they did it while mostly not being criminal terrorists!" MP Eide then demanded the interviewer raise his fist while shouting "Black Lives Matter" before knocking him over with a brick.

Comment: See also: Black Lives Matter movement nominated for 2021 Nobel Peace Prize


'I've been shot!' AOC shrieks as Ted Cruz greets her with set of friendly finger guns

AOC occasio cortez ted cruz finger guns
© The Babylon Bee
Sources at the Capitol confirmed today that a significant brouhaha broke out between Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ted Cruz.

The incident occurred as Ocasio-Cortez was walking out of the Capitol Building and passed by Cruz, who smiled and shot her a set of cool-guy finger guns. "Howdy, AOC! How's my favorite socialist rep? Haha, just playin' with ya, kid."

"Help! I've been shot in a violent attack!" she screamed as Ted Cruz gave her the customary Texas greeting of finger guns. She flopped to the ground and began going into convulsions. "The violence! The horror! He's trying to have me murdered! ATTEMPTED MURDER! I AM IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING THIS SITUATION FOR ATTENTION!"

"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!" Ocasio-Cortez then exploded a ketchup packet she keeps on hand for these occasions, screaming, "THE BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD FILLED WITH COUNTLESS SYSTEMIC OPPRESSIONS!"

Capitol security rushed over and caught Cruz red-handed holding the finger guns. After a brief struggle and lots of sawing, they were able to disarm him. Ocasio-Cortez then popped up and walked into the building, whistling John Lennon's "Imagine."

At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had held the door open for Ocasio-Cortez, prompting her to scream that she was being sexually assaulted.


China develops new more protective anal mask

butt mask
Hot on the heels of the anal swab, China has released its innovative new anal mask to fight COVID.

"You can't be too careful -- try a mask over your backside today," said one of the developers of the new product. "We've tried face masks, we've tried double masks, triple masks, face shields, giant hamster balls -- is it time that we try an anal mask?"

It's unclear if you can even contract COVID through your behind, but many officials from the WHO and the CDC are backing the measure "just because it will be fun to see if anyone goes along with it."

"Honestly, if we told people to jump up and down and pretend they are kangaroos to fight COVID, they'd probably do it," said Dr. Fauci, chuckling. "Or if we told them to close their businesses and lock themselves in their houses for a year to stay safe."

The mask also has beneficial side effects, like protecting those around you from the fallout after eating Taco Bell.

"Your mask protects me, my mask protects you," said one commentator on China's official state media channel. "From not just coronavirus, but other unpleasant things."

Comment: Don't be surprised if this actually becomes a thing. Any day now...