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Mon, 24 Apr 2017
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Breaking: Putin wins French presidential election, promises to annex baguettes

Several high ranking FSB officials have confirmed to Russia Insider that President Vladimir Putin has triumphed in the first round of France's presidential race, and is projected to win the second, third, fourth and fifth rounds as well.

According to reports, midday turnout for the first round has been less than 30 percent, most likely because French people already know that Putin has successfully hacked their demo


Russian warplanes are terrorizing international airspace!

© Russia Insider
Look under your bed. There's probably a Tu-160!
Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York recently experienced unusual blackouts of the electrical variety, according to naive media reports.

The most likely cause of this catastrophe? Thousands of Russian warplanes blocking out the sun's life-giving rays and probably also frying America's electrical grid with Russian electromagnetic pulses.

Look up. Look down. Look behind you. Yes, what you're looking at is a Sukhoi Su-35.

As our friends at the Independent report:
More Nato fighter jets are being scrambled to monitor and intercept Russian planes than at any time since the end of the Cold War as tensions continue to rise.

Around 780 deployments were made from European military bases last year in response to Russian aircraft, compared to just 410 in 2015.
For readers who haven't already died of heart attacks, the Independent clarifies:
Russian planes are not known to have violated international regulations or entered any EU nation's sovereign airspace, flying instead into "identification zones" in international airspace that are monitored for security.
So is this a terrifying case of unprecedented hordes of Russian warplanes zooming around — or NATO members pooping their adult diapers?

Mr. Potato

Fish Finger for MP: Breaded finger of cod running against Lib Dem leader Tim Farron in June election

© crowdfunder.co.uk
The pranksters are also responsible for a series of Twitter parody accounts for the extraordinary campaign, Mr. Fish Finger and the alleged “fishwife” of the candidate, Mrs. Fish Finger.
Pranksters have raised over £1,300 (US$1,667) to run a breaded finger of cod against Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron at the upcoming general election on June 8.

Candidates standing for election in the UK must pay a deposit of £500, which is kept by the Treasury if the individual fails to get five percent of the constituency vote.

In his crowdfunding page, the candidate, who goes by the name Mr. Fish Finger, vowed to "knock Tim Farron off his perch and put him in his plaice."

It is believed the candidate for the Westmorland and Lonsdale seat in Cumbria will attend all campaigning events dressed as a fish finger.


American geographical knowledge needs to improve before dropping bombs!

Donald Trump's fake "show of force" against North Korea has resurrected an ancient question that many wise philosophers have pondered for thousands of years: Can Americans actually locate on a map the countries that they so desperately wish to bomb?

We apologize for the rhetorical question.

Of course, the North Korea "incident" was not due to poor navigational skills; it was nothing more than a fear-mongering distraction to boost television and approval ratings.
© Russia Insider
But it does beg the question: Can Rachel Maddow and her army of lobotomized potatoes actually find Moscow on Google Maps? Because that is the first step, at least in theory, if you want to bomb it.

According to science, the answer is a resounding "no".


France cancels election!!! Media crowns Putin next French Emperor

© The Imaginative Conservative
This time no invasion of Russia (probably).
Europe should stop holding elections. Everyone already knows that Putin will win

Hey French people — are you excited to go to the polls on Sunday and choose your next president? Of course not. All French citizens with a clue will stay home and count their baguettes, because they know that Vladimir Putin will be their next president. This is what we are being told by our trusted media. And when have they ever been wrong? We rest our case.

"Vladimir Putin's fortunes may be declining in the United States, but he is still well placed to win big in the French presidential election," writes Quartz, which apparently has double-checked the latest Gallup polls and knows that Putin has the French presidential election in the bag.

Here's the thing: Putin was slated to become France's next president months ago. The whole French election, starting with the primaries, has been a giant scam.

Why is Europe even holding "elections" anymore? Everyone knows that Putin will win. For example, we keep seeing naive fools on Twitter talk about the so-called UK "general election" in May.

Stop wasting your time with these rubber-stamp formalities. Putin will be elected the next Queen of England. And Prime Minister. He will also be crowned the "beef eater" guy with the funny hat who guards London's famous torture tower or whatever.

Serious question: Is Europe really this fragile and insecure? One guy can systematically dismember the West's glorious "democratic" institutions? Really makes you think.

© Quartz


Saskatchewan ranchers surprised to find cattle herd following behind beaver

Saskatchewan rancher Adrienne Ivey may have heard of a beaver, but until now, had never seen a beaver herd — cattle, that is.

On Friday, Ivey and her husband were surprised to see 150 of their heifers crowded together in one of their pastures.

Curious about the strange behaviour, they investigated further, to find the herd of cattle following a beaver that had wandered along.

"He was out and about, I think looking for a new place to build a beaver lodge, and they were following him," Ivey said. "There was about a three-foot space around him. They didn't want to get closer than that."

According to Ivey, heifers are more inquisitive than the average bovine, which may have led to them following the beaver.

"They're a curious bunch," she said. "They're kind of like teenagers. And I think they were following this thing around because they couldn't figure out what the heck it was."


North Korea unveils latest secret weapon - stealth bomber

© Waterford Whispers News
Standing behind a vast bank of intimidating weaponry only leading North Korean military officials could see, Kim Jong Un proudly unveiled his impoverished country's latest secret weapon.

The stealth bomber, a technology previously only held by the American air force, was paraded in full lack of view to the State media on an empty runway to considerable applause.

"Yet another mighty achievement for our Dear Leader," said one member of an adoring throng of North Koreans, not sure what he was supposed to be staring at. Kim Jong Un confirmed the stealth bomber stood at 900 feet tall and had 17 wings as well as possessing the ability to 'kill everything forever, all of the time'.

The empty airfield with nothing in it has sparked fears among the section of the Trump administration that would love a good war, with this latest incident placing that possibility unlikely.

"Dear God, they've invented the invisible bomb. We must act now," confirmed Vice President Mike Pence, who was in the middle of a 10-day stoking up fears and ramping up aggressive militaristic rhetoric trip to Asia.

Jong Un marked the unveiling of the new craft with a military procession of hundreds of thousands of malnourished military personnel.


'Hand of the Kremlin'? Out of 11 French Presidential Candidates, 7 'Pro-Putin'

© Sputnik
Jean-Luc Mélenchon and Vladimir Putin
It is official: Pro-Russian sentiments are a contagious virus. French newspaper L'Express published an article titled "Presidential election: 11 candidates, 7 pro-Putin." Sputnik invites you to take a look at pictures depicting the best traditions of "the hand of the Kremlin." Our editorial team warns: be advised of not taking them too seriously!

A week before the presidential vote, French journalists are working hard to prevent people from making the wrong choice. This is quite possible, taking into account the fact that the majority of the candidates have shaken hands with the Kremlin, they have no idea what this handshake entails.

In an inquisitive article, L'Express once again brought up the subject of pro-Russia sentiments among the candidates and criticized Sputnik and RT for their support of this pro-Kremlin trend. Let's take a look at those "fascinated by the master of the Kremlin" and explore why these candidates have been labeled "pro-Russian."


April the giraffe gives birth as massive global audience watches live (VIDEO)

© lorrie8201 / Instagram
Over 1.2 million people watched via livestream as April the giraffe give birth on Saturday. The anxious audience had been put on baby alert back in February and has since been kept on tenterhooks in anticipation of a good news story.

The birth finally happened at 09:55am local time, with each moment captured live from April's enclosure at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. The calf weighs roughly 150lbs (68kg) and stands about 6ft (1.8 meters) tall.


Reasonable request for impartial investigation into Idlib gas attack shows why Russia and Iran are so dangerous

Lavrov and Zarif, advocating for terrible things such as 'evidence'

Russia and Iran have issued a joint call for an unbiased investigation into the Idlib 'sarin gas attack', proving once again that Moscow and Tehran are dangerous pariah states

Something seemingly insignificant but actually quite important took place right before Donald Trump decided to murder more than ten Syrians and give Raytheon's stock price a boost it didn't need.

On the evening of April 5, Russia submitted a draft resolution to the UN Security Council calling for "a true investigation" into the alleged use of chemical weapons in the Syrian town of Khan Shaykhun in Idlib province.

Washington responded the next day by illegally dumping its overpriced missiles on Syria.

But apparently Moscow — and now Tehran — are not satisfied with Trump's $100 million enquiry. They still want an 'actual' investigation.

No wonder these weirdos keep getting sanctioned by the civilized world. Listen to their unhinged ravings:
Russia and Iran have issued a joint call for an "unbiased investigation" into the chemical weapons incident which provoked Donald Trump to launch missiles at an airbase in Syria.