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Soros-backed DA prosecutes Illinois boy for terrorizing burglars

home alone collage
© The Babylon Bee
Pierce County's District Attorney has opened prosecution against an eight-year-old boy who reportedly terrorized two burglars robbing his parents' mansion.

The young boy by the name of Kevin McAllister was apparently home alone when the perpetrators attempted to sneak into the estate. McAllister sprang into action with a series of ingenious attacks, including blowtorches, paint cans, and a tarantula. "The child engaged in cruel, vicious behavior that could have seriously injured the two gentlemen known as the 'Wet Bandits' ," said District Attorney Ansel Hayden. "McAllister literally smashed Marv's face with an iron, when Marv wished nothing more than to rob McAllister's family while doing the child serious bodily harm."

Hayden said the youth's antics involved putting ice on the stairs, heating up doorknobs, and other tactics that put the men in peril. "What has society come to when a child can torture vagabonds just hungry for bread?," wondered Hayden aloud. "I will not allow this county to fall victim to vigilantism."

At press time, Hayden was preparing to file charges against the neighbor who stopped the kindly 'Wet Bandits' from biting off McAllister's fingers.

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Santa Claus shot down over Israel by Iron Dome

Santa with his Reindeers


Best of the Web: Anne and Joe argue about the Child-Killing Murder Robot

© UnknownChild-Killing Murder Robot in action
"I'm not so sure about the Child-Killing Murder Robot," Joe said after a sip of coffee while reading the morning paper.

"What??" his wife Anne exclaimed, visibly shocked.

"It's killed thousands of kids in its latest murder rampage," Joe said. "I'm starting to think maybe the Child-Killing Murder Robot isn't such a great thing after all."

"Well of course it's on a murder rampage!" said Anne. "Some people tried to turn it off!"

"Yeah the Child-Killing Murder Robot does that whenever anyone tries to turn it off," replied Joe. "And you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe they're trying to turn off the Child-Killing Murder Robot because they're sick of the way it keeps killing children and murdering people!"

"It's acting in self-defense!" Anne protested. "The Child-Killing Murder Robot has a right to defend itself!"

"It's been killing people constantly ever since that team of mad scientists invented it back in the forties, Anne! After a certain amount of child-killing and murder, eventually you've got to figure that maybe the blame is on the Child-Killing Murder Robot. At the very least I think our government should stop sending it batteries and ammunition."


Colorado saves democracy by not allowing people to vote for their preferred candidate

colorado supreme cour if appeals
In a heroic effort to save American Democracy, the Colorado Supreme Court has voted to prevent residents of Colorado from voting for their preferred candidate.

"I love democracy, and this is why we had to vote to overrule the millions of Colorado citizens who want to elect Trump through the democratic process," said Colorado Justice and white woman Melissa Hart after the vote. "Trump is a terrifying orange man and if he's elected he will likely grow to over 50 feet and rampage through the country killing people with his laser eyes. Our democracy is too precious for us to allow that to happen."

After Justice Hart's statement, the three other justices who voted with her stood and clapped in approval.

Democracy experts also applauded this democracy-subverting move to make sure democracy wasn't subverted. "Just think. If 4 people in robes hadn't taken away the voting rights of millions, we would have lost our democracy!" said journalist and democracy expert Linda Florgbott. "Thank God we saved it just in time."

At publishing time, Trump had gained another 12% in Colorado polls.


Capitol janitors opt to deep clean Senate chamber with flamethrowers

janitors us capitol clean flame throwers
© The Babylon Bee
The Capitol janitorial service made the executive decision to deep clean the Congressional hearing rooms today with military-grade flamethrowers.

"Lysol isn't going to cut it," said head of janitorial services Donovan Miller. "Light it up, boys!"

According to sources, the Capitol janitorial services discussed several options to address the Congressional offices before settling on torching the place. "We considered attempting to submerge the entire place in bleach," explained Miller. "Ask yourself though, even if they were bleached, would you sit on those chairs? In the end, we had no choice but to burn it to ashes."

Though the team started with the Congressional meeting rooms, the team burned down the remainder of the Capitol to be safe. "Incinerating the gift shop may have been a bit overkill, but we weren't taking chances," said janitor Max Dorian. "There is a level of grossness and infectivity when you're better off starting over from scratch. It was kind of cathartic, to be honest."

At publishing time, the British had thanked America for doing the respectable thing and burning down their own government this go-around.


Clarence the Angel shows Gavin Newsom what California would look like if he'd never been born

gavin newsom clarence angel satire california florida
© The Babylon Bee
Fresh off the case of George Bailey, Clarence the Angel embarked on a new mission over the weekend to show California Governor Gavin Newsom what California could be like if he'd never been born.

"I just picked him up and flew him over to Florida," Clarence explained. "Easiest job I've ever had."

Earlier in the day, residents had observed Newsom wandering the streets of San Francisco, muttering to himself about the futility of life. "I was supposed to be President! I was supposed to be the guy!" cried out Newsom. "Instead, I've spent my days toiling away in California -- and now, looking around at this crummy little state, what do I have to show for it? What has it all been for??"

It was then that Clarence the Angel descended to Gavin Newsom's side, arriving to visibly show Newsom the fruits of his life's work. "You're going to be given a great gift, Gavin - to see what California would look like if you had never been born!" exclaimed Clarence as they arrived in Florida. "Look at the unvarnished beauty of nature, walk the streets free of feces, see the livelihoods unruined, hear the laughter of children allowed to live! You see Gavin, each man's life touches so many other lives. See all the wonderful things that don't exist because of you? It really is a wonderful life here in Florida, isn't it?"

At publishing time, Newsom had reportedly taken the vision to heart, renewing his vow to become President so he could make Florida look just like California.


California gingerbread house listed on Zillow for $1.9 Million

gingerbread house zillow listing
© The Babylon Bee
A gingerbread house in California has received several offers after being listed on Zillow for a mere $1.9 million.

"This charming, two-square-foot gingerbread home comes tastefully appointed and is priced to sell," stated the listing. "With breathtaking views of someone else's living room, this gorgeous estate won't be on the market long!"

According to realtor Lisa Markham, the gingerbread house is a new construction completed by 12-year-old Bella Dawson with significant help from her mother. "This custom-built gingerbread house is truly one of a kind," said Markham. "Featuring frosted windows, well-established icing trees, and a gumdrop roofline, you will feel the upscale nature of the gingerbread home from the moment you see it. Welcome to your next home!"

Sources report that over a dozen offers have already been made, including from local newlyweds John and Kelly Reasons. "We've been desperately waiting for a more affordable home to come on the market," said John. "We'll still try to negotiate a couple things, like cleaning up the icing drips on the window sills -- but this is the best option we've seen in L.A. in years."

At publishing time, the home had dropped in price to $1.4 million after the Dawson's puppy ate the back half of the house.


Oil rich countries celebrate COP28 agreement by showering crowd in oil

COP28 in Dubai
© Waterford Whispers News
THE EXCITEMENT was clear for all to the at the COP28 summit, as a landmark deal to transition away from fossil fuel was agreed, greeted by wild celebrations among oil rich Arab states who showered attendees with oil like they were celebrating an F1 Grand Prix win.

"We did it! I might have just said not 48 hours ago that there's no science behind the idea fossil fuels contribute to climate change but you can definitely believe me when I say oil producing nations, like the UAE, will totally commit to this non-binding bullshit I helped put together," head of COP28 the UAE's Sultan Al Jaber told WWN.

"What, was this not something agreed before at Kyoto or Paris? Wait, these clowns are only starting this process now?" said one worried parent, who turned to their child to tell them now might be the time to seek out higher ground before millions of climate refugees get their first.


Hunter Biden indicted for not paying taxes on his bribes

hunter and joe biden
© Teresa Kroeger/Getty Images for World Food Program USA
Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.

"The President's son made millions on foreign bribes and used the money for illegal drugs and underage sex trafficking. That's all well and good, but then he failed to pay his taxes," said a spokesperson for the DOJ. "Keeping money that is due to the government is the most heinous of all crimes and should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Official sources confirmed that Hunter became wealthy by exchanging national secrets and special favors to America's enemies in exchange for crack and underage sex-slave money, in addition to wiring money to President Joe Biden. Unfortunately, he did this without keeping perfect tax records, making him the lowest of criminals.

"Rest assured, this horrific act will not go without a slight fine and scolding from the judge," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This man must be brought to justice."

At publishing time, President Biden had claimed to have no knowledge of the case or of this man named "Hunter."


Climate activists' private planes freeze themselves to runway in powerful protest

private jet frozen munich airport runway climate satire change conference
"Stunning and brave!"
In a beautiful act of protest, the private planes of several climate activists stuck themselves to the runway with giant sheets of ice.

Continuing climate activists' preferred method of protest, the planes apparently glued themselves to the runway with ice to prevent activists from traveling to a climate change conference in Dubai. "These planes really nailed the holy grail of climate change protests, both sticking themselves to an object and obstructing transportation," said local man Hans Meyer. "Their climate activist owners have taught them well -- perhaps too well."

According to sources, hundreds of extraordinarily wealthy climate activists were scheduled to meet in Dubai to discuss what the poors are doing to the climate. Four hundred private jets were expected at the Dubai International Airport, where individual SUV motorcades would shuttle each activist to one of the most posh hotels on the planet. Asked why the activists did not meet over Zoom to help the climate, the activists reportedly responded, "You must be one of the poors, aren't you?"

At publishing time, climate activists had vowed to always keep their plane heaters running in the future to prevent such protests.