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Elon Musk apologizes to Magneto for comparing him to George Soros


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 17 May 2023 19:29 UTC
elon musk soros magneto satire
© The Babylon Bee
After controversial comments that spooked investors in Tesla and Twitter, Elon Musk has finally come forward to apologize to Magneto for comparing him to the dastardly villain George Soros.

"I would like to say I'm sorry to Max Eisenhardt, also known as 'Magneto,'" said Elon in a statement. "My comparison was unfair. While Magneto is a conflicted and misunderstood character with real human motivations you can empathize with, Soros is an insane cartoon villain with an inhuman hatred for humanity. Not even close to the same person."

The Anti-Defamation League thanked Elon for the apology and expressed hope that he will do better in the future. "It is unfair to compare anyone, living or dead, to that evil, hollow shell of a man known as 'Soros,'" said ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt. "We certainly hope Mr. Musk chooses his words more wisely in the future."

When reached for comment, Soros responded by catching a fly out of the air with his tongue and asking one of his servants to turn up his heat lamp.

Comment: Bonus Bee!



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Smiley

CNN host sues Trump for assault and defamation after town hall


Babylon Bee
Thu, 11 May 2023 03:05 UTC
CNN and Trump
© Babylon Bee
GOFFSTOWN, NH — A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.

"He said things I didn't agree with. Even worse, he said things I didn't like," said Collins in a statement. "It was the most traumatizing experience of my life. It was assault, plain and simple. And defamation. I'm suing Trump for $5 million like that other lady."

Sources also reported Trump called the CNN host a "nasty person," which trusted fact-checkers have determined was false.
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Smiley

Mother Nature joking around: Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

Stephanie Pappas
LIve Science
Sun, 07 May 2023 16:01 UTC
iceberg penis shape canada
© Kenneth J Pretty
A penis-shaped iceberg floated by the town of Dildo, Canada, which isn't too far from the city of Spread Eagle and the town of Placentia.
It doesn't get any more apt than this: A photographer from the Newfoundland town of Dildo has captured images of a penis-shaped iceberg off the Canadian coast.

The suggestive 'berg consists of a column with a domed head protruding up from two oval rafts of ice. Photographer Ken Pretty captured a shot of the ice formation by drone near the town of Harbour Grace, which sits along — the puns keep adding up — Conception Bay.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the "dickie berg," as locals are calling it, has attracted international attention, with Pretty sharing news stories from as far away as Thailand and Taiwan on his Facebook page.

"I knew I'd get a lot of comments, but I didn't expect this much," Pretty told the news agency Saltwire (opens in new tab) on Friday (April 28).
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Smiley

White House announces illegal immigration has decreased 90 percent since they redefined it


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 06 May 2023 17:10 UTC
Karine Jean-Pierre satire
© The Babylon Bee
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre restrained herself from a fist-pump to celebrate the win
The White House is claiming that illegal immigration is now down over 90% thanks to them redefining what illegal immigration is.

"The President's policy of making up fake words, definitions, and stats has had a real, positive impact at the border," said black gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Since reality itself bends to the will of whoever has the power to define it, we have been able to decrease illegal immigration drastically. We just decided that. With our words. Hooray for us!"

Experts were unsure how the numbers show a decrease in illegal immigration since unlawful border crossings are at record levels, amounting to an unprecedented humanitarian disaster. The experts quickly changed their minds, however, when they realized that the definition of "illegal immigration" had been changed by the Biden Administration. "This is genius!" said one expert.

At publishing time, the administration had also announced a record 100% approval rating after redefining the meaning of the word "approve.
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Smiley

How Ireland is celebrating the king's coronation


Waterford Whispers News
Fri, 05 May 2023 03:28 UTC
King Psychopath
© Waterford Whispers News
LIKE all other 8 billion inhabitants of planet earth, Ireland is 'Coronation Crazy' and is fit to burst with excitement at the prospect of King Charles donning a crown in front of adoring and loyal public.

And here's all the ways Ireland is celebrating the historic occasion:

- Special masses will be laid on around Ireland, allowing people a place to pray for torrential rain to hit London.

- Getting the calculator out and working out how much good £100mn could do for poor people across Britain if it wasn't been spent on a party for Charles.

- Generally staring in the direction of England incredulously while wondering if they should contact NHS mental health professionals on England's behalf.

- Any horse born in Ireland on Coronation Day must bare the name Camilla
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Smiley

Parents who raised kids on Disney movies about rebelling against parents not sure why kids are rebelling against their parents


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 04 May 2023 14:43 UTC
parent child little mermaid
Local parents Dave and Stacey Martin, who raised their daughter on Disney movies that glamorized rebelling against parents, are flabbergasted to see their teenage daughter now rebelling against her parents.

"I just don't get it," said Dave Martin to reporters. "Every movie and song she listened to growing up featured positive messages about listening to her heart, and now she won't listen to me! It's so weird!"

Sources say Dave's conflict with his daughter came to a head last night when she defied her father like Moana to sneak out of the house like Ariel, which led to her meeting a strange man just like Pocahontas, only to hang out with the wrong crowd and get gender-confused like Mulan. "What on earth could possibly be influencing her to behave so recklessly?" said Mr. Martin.

At publishing time, the parents had addressed the situation by making their daughter stay home all weekend and do chores like Cinderella.
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Smiley

With Vice News closing, White House will have to lie to public directly


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 03 May 2023 00:36 UTC
vice news white house spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre
© The Babylon Bee
White House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre-has the sads because her propaganda workload has increased as Vice News folds
Amid news that Vice Media is filing for bankruptcy, there is growing concern at the White House that the Biden administration will now have to begin lying to the American people directly rather than doing so more discreetly through Vice Media.

"We have no choice but to spread false information ourselves," said black gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "With difficult times hitting some of our media allies like Vice and Buzzfeed News, we will be solely responsible for propagating the fake narratives we create here in the White House. It's a tough blow, but we've got to weave our narrative one way or another."

Along with large mainstream news organizations, alternative sources like Vice News had served as valuable misinformation tools for the Biden administration and other Washington power brokers. In Vice's absence, lawmakers must now shift gears and do their own heavy lifting. "It's a big change to our process," Jean-Pierre continued. "I'm certainly not qualified to speak to the public, and we've all seen what happens when the President is put in front of a podium. This is less than ideal."

When reached for a brief comment, President Biden seemed unconcerned. "Vice? Who is that?" Biden said. "Those fellas in Miami? Crockett and Tubbs? They have a nice speedboat. Breedarginharbit!"

At publishing time, the White House public relations department was sent scrambling once again after failing to secure additional writing help due to the onset of the Hollywood writer's strike.
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Smiley

Unemployed guy's basement selfie video crushes Fox News in primetime ratings


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 28 Apr 2023 19:14 UTC
Tucker Carlson unemployed
The historic leader in primetime cable ratings Fox News was dominated last night by an unemployed man filming a selfie video in his partially-finished basement.

"This guy chatting for a few minutes in his underwear and a blazer just completely blew Fox News out of the water," said Nielsen executive Roger Millican. "It was a ratings bloodbath."

The unemployed man reportedly posted the basement selfie video on Twitter around 7 p.m., and by 7:02 p.m. had gained more viewers than the entire Fox News primetime lineup. "We got demolished," said a Fox News producer, on condition of anonymity. "Our viewers abandoned us in droves to watch a video labeled 'Good evening', which was just this dude jawing in his basement. We're in trouble."

Panic quickly spread among the top brass at Fox News, as executive producers brainstormed how to win back viewers. "More gold coin ads? No, we already tried that. Think, Bob, think!" said Fox News VP Bob Randall. "Is it physically possible to add any more 'Breaking News' graphics? No? How about making the necklines lower on all the female anchors' dresses? This is hard!!"

At publishing time, the unemployed man had reportedly crushed Fox News primetime ratings once again, this time with a video of himself silently making a ham sandwich.
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Smiley

Fox News fires the only reason people watch Fox News


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 26 Apr 2023 15:02 UTC
tuckr carlson laugh
© Reuters
Tucker Cartolon
After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.

"Yes, we realize he delivered the most successful cable news program of all time, but we felt embarrassed by him at our Manhattan cocktail parties," said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. "When we tried to get invited to fancy, sophisticated gatherings, people said: 'Ewwww, aren't you the Tucker Carlson people?' and that made us feel sad. Curse you, Tucker, for making us feel sad!"

When reached for a reaction, Tucker simply stared dumbfoundedly at our reporter for several minutes.

Industry experts believe there are other factors that contributed to the alleged firing, including the fact that the company is too broke to pay him after settling a lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems.

Progressives are reportedly overjoyed by the move, although many are saying Fox didn't go far enough by not killing Carlson in addition to firing him. "You mean he's still alive?" said Congresswoman AOC. "Tucker being alive is fascism!"

At publishing time, producers were seen looking through files for another hot blonde to replace him with.
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Smiley

Biden warning: Raise debt ceiling or we might default on our obligations to Ukraine


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 21 Apr 2023 19:15 UTC
biden satire debt ceiling

"We can't let my good buddy Zelensky down!"
As a showdown looms over increasing the debt ceiling once again, President Biden warned that partisan bickering over the issue could lead the U.S. to default on its obligations to Ukraine.

"Listen, folks, it's real simple," said Biden to reporters. "We have a sacred duty to send billions to Ukraine to keep the war going. And don't forget our obligations to PBS, the 87,000 IRS agents we're hiring, and free transgender surgeries for at-risk indigenous youth. That takes money. Gotta raise the ceiling-not a joke!"

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy however, disagrees. "We will raise the debt ceiling in exchange for some symbolic spending cuts that make us look fiscally responsible," he said. "Until we get those mild cuts, which will delay the financial and economic collapse of the United States by a full 3-and-a-half seconds, we will not agree to raise the debt ceiling.

"We draw the line here."

At publishing time, the Republicans had caved and decided to raise the debt limit with no spending cuts.
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