Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Trump ups Mar-A-Lago worth to $500M by hanging up 3 Hunter Biden paintings

Hunter biden paintings mar-a-lago
© The Babylon Bee
4D Chess!

Mar-a-Lago is now worth upwards of $500 million after former President Donald Trump announced he had hung up three paintings by renowned artist Hunter Biden.

Trump held a special unveiling party for supporters at Mar-a-Lago's Donald J. Trump Grand Ballroom. The three paintings shown were "Some Colors," "Paint On Canvas," and "Look, A Bird."

"They tell me I overvalued this place but, if anything, I undervalued it," Trump told supporters. "But now they can't argue with me because I've got Hunter here. Everyone says 'Where's Hunter? Where is he?' Well, he's here, folks. We've got Hunter Biden here at Mar-a-Lago and it's a beautiful thing."

"They're absolutely fantastic paintings, let me tell you. Definitely not a bunch of random colors thrown on a canvas to launder money."

After the unveiling, the former president toured the property with a real estate appraiser. Sources confirm the tour was cut short when he became entranced by one of the Hunter Biden paintings.

"Beautiful," Trump reportedly whispered. "So majestic."

At publishing time, Donald Trump had been sued for undervaluing the Mar-a-Lago estate.


DeSantis turfed from Republican party for accomplishing too many things

ron desantis
© The Babylon BeeRon DeSantis is making Republican look bad by actually doing things.
The political landscape was rocked to its core today, with reverberations sure to be felt for several years, as Governor Ron DeSantis was kicked out of the Republican Party for accomplishing too many things.

The move was announced after careful deliberation by the Republican National Committee in coordination with top GOP leaders at all levels of government, with decision-makers citing DeSantis's ongoing tendency to get things done as evidence he does not belong with the party.

"We don't know what his deal is," said one Republican insider. "Everyone can plainly see that one of the most fundamental tenets of the Republican Party is the stubborn refusal to accomplish anything of note. Governor DeSantis continues to flagrantly disregard this core value by actually doing things. It's just totally unacceptable and unbecoming of anyone claiming to be a Republican."

As other members of the party at the state and federal levels doggedly adhere to the directive to maintain the status quo while making fiery, sternly-worded speeches, DeSantis has veered from the party line to accomplish things that actually improve the lives of his constituents, fight against radical woke ideology, and advance the cause of traditional American values. "We went over it with him time and time again," the GOP source said. "He wouldn't stop doing things. We can't work with a guy like that."

At publishing time, GOP powerbrokers were already looking forward to the conclusion of DeSantis's second term so they would have the opportunity to nominate someone else in an effort to grind the state's positive progress to a screeching halt.


Trump announces he will pay entire NYC bond with bags of nickels

trump bags nickels bond satire
© The Babylon Bee"I am prepared to pay the bond in full with our amazing and patriotic American legal tender."
After news broke that the bond amount in his fraud case had been lowered from $454 million to $175 million, former President Donald Trump announced he would pay the bond in its entirety with bags of nickels.

Trump notified the court that preparations had already been made for a fleet of armored trucks to arrive at the courthouse and begin unloading cases and cases of freshly minted and rolled nickels totaling $175 million.

"Beautiful, shiny nickels. So many nickels," Trump said in his announcement. "It's a total sham that I have to pay anything, but now that the bond amount has been significantly reduced, I will now pay it in full with five-cent pieces. Our wonderful U.S. nickel. Thomas Jefferson on one side. We love Thomas Jefferson, don't we, folks? I hope Letitia James loves him too, because she's going to be seeing $175 million worth of him. I win once again, just like I will in November, believe me. Bigly!"

New York Attorney General Letitia James had her staff searching through state laws in an effort to find a way to prevent Trump from paying his bond in change to no avail. "He won't get away with this," James was overheard saying. "He thinks he can dump $175 million in nickels in my office? Time to cook up another baseless lawsuit."

At publishing time, Trump was reportedly facing new indictment charges for failing to fall into financial ruin by the previous set of indictment charges.


Manual of the freedom-loving, democracy-admiring American citizen

TAM Logo
© The American Majority / Telegram
The manual of the freedom-loving, democracy-admiring citizen, first edition*.

Dear reader,

I've noticed that you recently expressed some confusion about your opinions and we at American Majority would like to help you!

What follows are 10 rules for being a good boi citizen. Follow them all and you will have no problems fitting in with your fellow good boi citizens.

1, You must understand that the CIA and the FBI always, without exception, work for your very best interests. They are the loyal servants of our dear Leader Joe Biden. Even if you sometimes may not understand their motivations, please remember to not ask questions. Questions are dangerous and might lead to uncomfortable answers, which you don't want.

2, Trump is bad. There's no question about it! Trump is literally Hitler. Our dear Leader Joe Biden is the savior of America and the world!

3, Russia is bad and Putin is literally Hitler. No, I mean it, Putin's double's triple performed an ancient Mongolian ritual to bring Hitler back and he now controls Russia. Yes, we said Trump is Hitler, but again, don't ask questions. Ukraine is a bastion of freedom and democracy and Zelensky is a hero above all heroes (except for our dear Leader Joe Biden, who created this good Earth).

4, China is bad. Xi is literally Hitler. Yes, okay, but yes he is. Remember what we said about questions! Good boi! Taiwan is a bastion of freedom and democracy. Our dear Leader Joe Biden will protect Taiwan at all costs!

5, Mass media never lies. They are all owned by the same people, but those people only want the very best for you, just like the CIA and the FBI and our dear Leader Joe Biden. You can feel safe in this bubble we created for you knowing they are all taking good care of you!


Illegal immigrants politely decline free flight on a Boeing

illegal immigrants boeing airplane
© The Babylon Bee"No, thanks."
Though the federal government made a generous offer to fly them to another city in the country to start a new life in the U.S., a group of illegal immigrants politely declined to receive a free flight on a Boeing airplane.

After illegally crossing the southern border, the Guatemalan migrants were kindly welcomed by government agents and offered a plane ticket free of charge, which they were glad to accept until they discovered the plane was a Boeing 737.

"No thank you, I think I'll just walk instead," one migrant said through an interpreter as he walked out onto the tarmac at the airport and saw the plane. "I appreciate your generous gift, but I did not make the perilous journey from Guatemala to Texas on foot so I could die in that infernal death trap. I thought the American government was supposed to be treating migrants well, now they want me to climb on board a Boeing? Why not just launch me to St. Louis via catapult?"

The migrant's decision dumbfounded government officials. "Who in their right mind would turn down a free flight?" one federal agent asked. "Granted, there is a risk of the aircraft's door flying off in mid-air, or a wheel falling off as the plane takes off, or the wings may just spontaneously disintegrate during the flight, but come on... who wouldn't put their life on the line to visit Baltimore or St. Louis for free?

At publishing time, the man had set off back to Guatemala on foot after learning the government would be passing out gift cards, but they were for Walmart.


Terrorists cancel plane hijack after realizing it's a Boeing

boeing hijacker cancel satire
© The Babylon Bee"Not worth the risk."
An attack by a cell belonging to a violent extremist group was averted last week, as terrorists decided against hijacking a plane after finding out it was made by Boeing.

The hijacking, which was allegedly planned to be carried out over the weekend, was called off at the last minute after the group of terrorists behind the plot discovered the flight they were targeting was a Boeing 737, which meant everyone on board — including the terrorists — would be in serious danger.

"We're not going anywhere near that deathtrap," said terrorist Abu Musab Alwani, who masterminded the planned attack. "We are very zealous for our faith and deeply committed to our cause of ridding our holy lands of crusading infidels, but have you seen the news lately? Parts of these planes are falling off in mid-air. These Boeing aircraft are simply not safe for hijacking."

Though officials with the Department of Homeland Security refused to make any official statements about the canceled terrorist attack, one insider confirmed the report on the condition of anonymity. "Yes, it's true," the source said. "They had spent months meticulously planning out every detail of the hijacking, but they weren't sure what make and model of aircraft it would be. Once they realized it was a Boeing plane, they chickened out. Way too high-risk."

When asked why they became resistant to hijack a Boeing plane, the terrorists said the decision was simple. "It's too unpredictable," Alwani said. "When we're going to hijack a plane and potentially kill ourselves and everyone on board, we want it to be our doing, not due to some horrible malfunction."

At publishing time, Alwani said the cell was still very much open to hijacking planes made by other manufacturers as long as the doors, wings, and wheels would stay on.


Boeing share price rises on news they're ruthless enough to potentially murder whistleblowers

Boeing Dreamliner
FOLLOWING the news that Boeing whistleblower and former-quality manager John Barnett died in mysterious circumstances, days after giving damaging evidence against Boeing in a lawsuit, share price value in the beleaguered aviation giant has bounced back now it is potentially apparent they're not above murder.

"While the shares haven't recovered to the earlier heights of 2024 at least they're no longer plummeting to the earth like a door falling off a Boeing 737," confirmed one stock market expert, "the market loves when companies project control, authority and confidence, and hey, murdering a whistleblower is one way to do that".


White House explains Capitol security fence keeps president from wandering off grounds during speech

capitol building security fence
© Carolyn Kaster/AP
White House staff explained the security fences erected around the U.S. Capitol have been put there to keep the President from wandering off the grounds while he's delivering the State Of The Union.

"No, we're not worried about protestors or any sort of violence," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told the media. "We just want to ensure President Biden doesn't wander off on one of his little walkabouts in the middle of delivering his wonderful speech, in which he will prove to the American people just how cogent and alive he is. No president in history has been more alive and not dead than Biden!"

The chainlink fencing appeared around the Capitol earlier this week, in what many assumed was an effort to keep rioters out of the building during the President's annual State Of The Union address. White House aides assured D.C. residents they don't expect violence and that they're just trying to avoid another presidential Silver Alert.

"Biden stays mentally alert by occasionally taking unplanned walks during speeches and other events," White House Staffer John Mckinley explained. "It's what keeps him so young and on the ball. We've found it's best to just anticipate these strolls and set up protective measures so the President won't wander into traffic or fall down a manhole."

At publishing time, staffers had also been seen baby-proofing the House lectern just in case Biden takes one of his unscheduled naps in the middle of the speech and hits a corner of the podium.


Democracy suffers major blow - Supreme Court rules voters can vote for favorite candidate

us supreme court
In a stunning unanimous decision that dealt a shocking blow to democracy, the United States Supreme Court affirmed that people can vote for the candidate they want.

The landmark ruling, issued just as the 2024 Presidential Election prepared to ramp up, presents a grave new threat to American freedom, as all nine justices declared that voters can, in defiance of what the ruling authorities may want, select their preferred candidate.

"We've never seen democracy in such danger," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "Today's ruling from the Supreme Court now adds credence to the belief held by fringe extremists that they are allowed to select the candidate they want in an election. This is terrifying."

The state of Colorado had boldly and bravely attempted to preserve democracy by removing former President Donald Trump from the ballot, but the nation's highest court ended all hope that freedom and liberty would reign. "We don't have a country anymore," said a despondent Rachel Maddow. "You mean to tell me that — in a DEMOCRACY — people can just go out and vote for whoever they want?! Why don't you just burn the Constitution already? No, seriously, can we burn it?"

At publishing time, Democrats at all levels of government across the country decried the ruling as the end of America as we know it, ushering in a new and dangerous era of people getting to vote for the candidate they want to be in charge.


Russian soldier thanks Biden for sending Abrams tanks to Ukraine

The troops are offered bonuses for each piece of Western equipment they destroy.
A US M1 Abrams tank
© SputnikA US M1 Abrams tank.
Russian soldiers have apparently recorded a video in which one of them mockingly thanks US President Joe Biden for supplying Kiev with Abrams tanks and giving the troops the opportunity to earn some extra cash for destroying them. This comes amid reports of several US-made heavy armor pieces being destroyed in less than a week.

A short clip that surfaced on social media features an apparent Russian serviceman in full military gear. "We, Russian warriors express our sincere gratitude to you for the Abrams tanks that the US is supplying to Ukraine," he says, addressing Biden in English.

The man goes on to explain that Russian troops are offered bonuses for each piece of Western equipment they destroy, and asks Biden to send more Abrams tanks, as those that have arrived in Ukraine "are very few" and the troops have to spend a lot of time hunting them down.