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Fri, 10 Jul 2020
The World for People who Think

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Drunk posted himself

A German man has been arrested after he climbed into an emergency postbox for unwanted babies while drunk.

Heinrich Mueller, 28, slid down the chute and ended up in an emergency incubator, triggering alarms among medical staff.

But instead of another unwanted newborn baby, they found Mueller smoking a cigarette.

He then fell asleep as staff worked out how to get him out of the incubator at the hospital in Dortmund.

Eagle

Fly-by poo shocker

New research has shown that bird poo costs car sellers £6.5 million a year, and causes British motorists a staggering £24 billion in annual damage to paintwork.

It might be our feathered friends way of jumping on the global-warming band wagon - but nearly 60 % of us suffer from the dreaded droppings at least once a month, with nearly half of cars in Britain pelted with poo at least once a fortnight, and an unlucky one in six splattered every single day.

And bird poo is more than just an unsightly nuisance for British drivers; it can also cost us dearly. A quarter of used car buyers expect a discount of at least £100 if a vehicle has been used as a dumping ground by our feathered friends.

Bizarro Earth

Study: More Men Than Women Sleep With Teddy Bears

According to a survey by hotel chain Travelodge, more men said they take teddy bears to bed. The survey found 20% of respondents that were male were teddy bear cuddlers, while only 15% of women admitted to the practice.

The study was commissioned so Travelodge could determine whether or not promotion for their new pillow with arms, called a Cuddilow, is worth the effort. 63% of the 2,000 participants said a bedtime cuddle was necessary for them in order to sleep.

Recycle

Man relieves himself in air-sickness bag after plane WC declared "out of order"

SALT LAKE CITY - SkyWest Airlines apologized to a passenger who said he wasn't allowed to use the restroom during a one-hour flight and ended up urinating in an air-sickness bag.

James Whipple said he had two "really big beers" at the Boise, Idaho airport. While on a flight to Salt Lake City on March 7 he wanted to use the cabin restroom.

The captain had declared it off-limits during the short flight because a light wasn't working.

Take 2

3 'Jeopardy' contestants end up tied - odds? one in 25 million

NEW YORK - All those years of answers and questions, and it's never happened before on "Jeopardy!" What is a three-way tie, Alex?

Attention

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed Confesses to Everything Ever Including Stock Market Crash of 1929!

Kalid Shaikh Mohammed was captured by the US in 2003, tortured by the CIA in a secret prison for a while, then shipped to Guantamo to stand lawyerless before a military tribunal that would determine if he was fit to stand before another military tribunal.

So we're not entirely sure if we buy that he's responsible for all 31 plots he mentioned (helpfully listed here by the New York Times).

Bizarro Earth

Hiccups Return For Teen Who Had Them For 5 Weeks

A Florida teen who had been plagued with constant hiccups -- up to 50 per hour -- for five weeks, is suffering once more.

During her second day back at school since her hiccups began in January, Jennifer Mee had to leave class. Her nose started to bleed Thursday morning and then the hiccups returned.

Mee's mother, Rachel Robidoux, said her daughter is upset, discouraged and in pain.

"I'm at my wit's end," Robidoux said.

Mee returned to St. Petersburg's Northeast High School on Wednesday, and the 15-year-old ninth-grader hiccuped only twice.

Magic Wand

Area Pagan Dreading Big Family Vernal Equinox Celebration (Satire)

MEDFORD, OR - Despite evidence that the planets are aligned in his favor, local pagan Jeff Birch, 27, said Monday that he would "rather have a peaceful weekend at home" than attend his family's Vernal Equinox celebration on March 21.

"I realize it's supposed to be a festive time of conception and new growth in the womb of Mother Earth and all," Birch said. "But I just know that within an hour of arriving, things will get so bad that I'll be reverting to my 12-year-old self, hiding in the rec room downstairs, wearing my Iroquois false face mask and fingering my runes for comfort. It's not worth it."

Magic Wand

The Secret

The Secret - the new self-help book and DVD that purports to channel ancient wisdom and claims that if you ask the universe for something, it will be delivered - has become a nationwide phenomenon. Here are some of the book's tips:


Key

Man Tells Cops Unicorn Caused Crash

BILLINGS, Mont. - A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post _ it was that unicorn behind the wheel. Prosecutor Ingrid Rosenquist said Phillip C. Holliday Jr. initially denied driving the truck involved in the March 7 crash in Billings. He told officers at the scene that a unicorn was driving, she said.