Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Several photos, described by CBS as "totally real and authentic," appear to show DeSantis clubbing baby seals with his best friend Adolf Hitler.
"We are shocked and saddened by this terrible reveal of Desantis's past," said correspondent Sharyn Alfonsi. "It would appear from these completely undoctored photographs, that Ron DeSantis is both a fan of clubbing baby seals and a Nazi. Please know that I am just as saddened by this news as I'm sure the rest of the country is."
In a statement, Governor DeSantis replied: "This is not true! I love baby seals! And I've never met Hitler!"
60 Minutes later reported the Governor's statement as: "This is... true! I love [clubbing] baby seals! And I've... met Hitler!"
The governor later thanked CBS for helping to launch his presidential campaign.
"People who believe everyone should show their IDs to vote have no place in our society," said Delta CEO Ed Bastian. "To make a clear statement, we are announcing new 4th-class seating for Republican customers, who are welcome to fly with us as long as they sit in the overhead compartment, cargo hold, or back row of the plane."
"This requirement will stay in place as long as Republicans support that horrifically racist bill that I haven't got around to reading yet," he said.
Comment: See also:
- Free speech grounded? Delta will ban customers who were seen on video yelling at Lindsey Graham and Mitt Romney
- Delta Airlines bans 460 anti-maskers
- Airlines plan to ask passengers for contact-tracing details
- Delta CEO calls negative COVID test requirement for domestic flights 'horrible idea'
"Yeah we know he's immune to death and all that, but he could at least set an example by responsibly wearing his protective face covering," said King Herod in an op-ed published in the Jerusalem Gazette. "Jesus claims to be pro-life, but his actions would suggest otherwise."
According to Roman authorities, Jesus's face covering and burial linens were found neatly folded in an empty tomb three days after his crucifixion. Pontius Pilate has sent platoons of soldiers to scour the countryside for the unmasked risen Savior.
"We're just looking out for everyone's safety," said Pilate. "Tombs are usually full of diseases and we can't risk having any of that dangerous stuff like leprosy or salvation spread throughout the populace."
King Herod has asked for anyone with information on the whereabouts of Jesus to turn him in so that he may bring him before the local Health & Safety Commission.
During the test the president was asked to remember a series of words and then repeat them sequentially some minutes later, then to accurately hand-draw the face of a clock. Biden completed these tasks quickly and without difficulty, then held an immediate press conference.
"Sorry to drag you all out here after eight PM, but I wanted everyone to see that my cognitive functioning remains at peak levels even well after the sun goes down," the president told reporters after the test. "I don't know how all these conspiracy theorists imagined the country could go on functioning if its leader had Alzheimer's disease, but I'm just glad to shut 'em up once and for all."
Jill Biden, who also attended the press conference, took the opportunity reiterate that this proves once and for all that she was not participating in elder abuse by pushing a dementia patient to pose as a powerful statesman.
"We've always had this narrow-minded view that the German Shepherd is the best dog for chasing down dangerous terrorists and sniffing out improvised explosive devices," said Austin. "But why not Chihuahuas? Why not poodles? Bringing in more dog breeds will increase our diversity-- which is the greatest strength any military can have."
So far, there have been no Chihuahuas capable of taking down a 250-pound man by the arm, so the military has elected to eliminate that test altogether.
Voting rights advocates decried the controversial bill crafted by the Peach State's Republicans as an act intended to suppress turnout of the state's many dead Democratic voters, thereby ensuring Republican victories for local, state, and federal races.
"This is just unconscionable and based entirely on lies from the Trump 2020 campaign that somehow voters with a pulse are more valid," read a joint statement from Georgia-based corporations. "No-pulse voters have always had a say in how their state is run and we think that shouldn't be changed just to help Republicans win every time. We are considering a boycott until this injustice is corrected."
"This is discrimination of the highest order," declared Stacey Abrams from the Office of Rightful Governor Of Georgia. "This is disenfranchisement. It's Jim Crow 2.0. A heartbeat has never been the definition of a registered voter. This bill is voter suppression. We need to count every vote. It's just that plain and simple."
Governor Kemp defended the bill when peppered with questions by the national corporate press that suddenly cared about Georgia by stating, "What? They're dead. Dead people don't get a vote!"
At publishing time, voting rights advocates released another statement reminding the nation that democracy dies in darkness.
Photos posted on Saturday on China's Weibo social media platform depict a crashed truck on the Changchun-Shenzhen highway that has paralysed car traffic, stopped perpendicular to the roadway.
Similarly, on 23 March, a huge transport vessel owned by the Japanese company Shoei Kisen KK and leased from the Taiwanese transport company Evergreen Marine got stuck in the Suez Canal. Emergency services managed to re-float the ship on 29 March, but it's unknown yet when canal traffic will resume.
The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, "an absolute necessity" for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners.
"We're gonna need a bigger sign," gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld said in an interview with a local news station in Los Angeles. "This should get us through the first few years of the Biden presidency, though we're looking for a bigger one should he be reelected in 2024, should he live that long."
"There, that oughtta do it," he said as he updated the price of regular gasoline to $82.89. "Oh, wait, no -- sorry, just got an alert on my phone." He then climbed up and added a "1" to the front of the price. "It's a good thing we thought ahead!"
Sources have also confirmed that the national debt clock will be widened to prepare for Biden's coming spending policies.
But one reporter went further than the others. The reporter, a new CNN recruit, Ronald Crump, jumped up and asked, "Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?"
"Hey, come on, Jack!" Biden replied. "That's just uncalled for."
"What's uncalled for is how much of a sad, pathetic, no-good failure you are!" Crump replied, twirling his mustache.
"Come on up here, pal, and we'll have a good ol' round of fisticuffs to settle this once and for all!" Biden replied as Secret Service held him back. Finally, a shepherd's crook came from offstage and yoinked him out of there before a fight occurred.
"See? This guy can't even answer a simple question. Sad!" Crump replied.
At publishing time, Crump had calmly climbed up the stage and began answering questions for the next three hours, claiming it was "out of habit" from an old job he used to have.
"It's only fair," said high-schooler Aiden Benton. "This is a clear case of sexism and age discrimination, that I get paid nothing to play and the women get a decent little paycheck."
"End pay discrimination now!" he added, clapping on each word for emphasis.
"The boy makes a really good point," said CNN reporter Holly Bandersnatch. "He clapped on each word, plus, he claimed sexism. It is only fair that the boys' team get paid the same as the world champions' women's team. You just can't argue with hand claps."
At publishing time, the women had made the counterargument that the 15-year-old boys' teams are smelly boys and should be stuffed in a locker somewhere.
Comment: And on a less satirical note, see: DeSantis smashes CBS reporter's fake vaccine narrative, so CBS takes him out of context