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Sun, 20 Sep 2020
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Smiley

Move over NFL: With professional sports canceled, Jordan Peterson to host first televised lobster fights

jordan peterson lobster fights babylon bee
© The Babylon Bee
With fans across the country mourning the loss of their baseball, basketball, and football games, Jordan Peterson has stepped up to feed our sports cravings with the world's first televised lobster fights.

The LFL, or Lobster Fight League, will be available on pay-per-view and feature the world's most formidable lobster specimens as they compete for dominance by slowly pawing at each other in an MMA ring.

"This will be a perfect opportunity for our distant ancestors to display their competence," said Peterson in an interview. "I trust this will be a bloody phenomenal event where we will get to witness these non-empathic and non-social creatures compete for dominance for our viewing pleasure. Viewers will likely get a nice shot of serotonin from watching it, just as the lobsters do from winning!"

Each match is expected to take about 6 hours, but sports fans say they will gladly take it over anything going on in the NBA and NFL right now. Fans will even be given the opportunity to fill out their hierarchy brackets and place bets ahead of time.

The first event already has millions of pre-sales, with fans excited to watch a show where the contestants "just play the game" and don't take a knee during the national anthem.

Cult

Satire with a sting: Hollywood elites rush to normalize pedophilia before they're all outed by Ghislaine Maxwell

ghislaine maxwell netflix cuties
© The Babylon Bee
With Epstein's infamous assistant Ghislaine Maxwell awaiting trial and testimony in prison, many celebrities, politicians, and entertainment industry elites are rushing to make pedophilia generally acceptable before they're outed as patrons of Epstein's notorious island.

"I'm not going to lie, this is going to be an uphill climb," said actor and director Rudy Allan, "but it's absolutely necessary in order to prevent the entire world from seeing us as depraved perverts. Well, actually, I guess we don't mind that so much as we just want depravity and perversion to be considered completely valid sexual orientations. I mean, we're pretty much there already, just have to check off one last box."

According to Allan, the movement is gaining unprecedented cooperation from across industries and international political positions. From an unnamed prince in a small country off the coast of France, to fashion industry moguls, to famous musicians and actors, the push to make pedophilia mainstream is gaining traction.

Comment: Funny, but more sadly, the truth. BB hits close to home here


Smiley

CNN hires this is fine dog to report on riots

this is fine dog cnn
CNN has hired a new reporter, the "This is Fine" dog of internet fame.

The canine will simply stand in front of burning homes and buildings and say, "This is fine." Created by KC Green, the dog began as a humble webcomic and has gone on to do great things, from working on multiple political campaigns and at the Trump White House to now landing a job as a CNN correspondent.

During his first report last night at the Kenosha riots, the dog stood in front of a tire fire and reported to both of CNN's faithful viewers that "this is fine." A brick flew over his head and a Molotov cocktail lit his face on fire, melting the flesh from his bones. "This is fine," he assured the viewers.

CNN dutifully changed its chyron to read THIS IS FINE for the entire report, as well, saying they will hold that caption for the remainder of the riots.

When asked how he's feeling about his new career as CNN reporter, the dog said, "This is fine."

Comment: Meanwhile, in other CNN headlines:
CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up. We went through CNN's archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history. They are truly a bastion of truth and honesty in journalism.

2348 BC: Watery But Mostly Peaceful Flood Destroys Earth

1025 BC: David Circumcises 200 Philistines In Mostly Painless Medical Procedure

33 AD: Mostly Peaceful Crowd Demands Jesus Be Crucified

79 AD: Fiery But Mostly Dormant Mount Vesuvius Erupts

1235 AD: Genghis Khan Attacks China In Mostly Pacifist Invasion

1347 AD: Black Death Peacefully Kills Millions, Trump To Blame

1453 AD: Constantinople Liberated By Religion Of Mostly Peace

1937 AD: Hindenburg Has Mostly Pleasant Flight

1945 AD: America Drops Two Mostly Peaceful Nuclear Bombs On Japan

1959 AD: Chinese Citizens Mostly Don't Starve To Death In Great Famine

1986 AD: USSR Reactor At Chernobyl Mostly Not Exploded

1997 AD: McDonald's Unveils Mostly Functional McFlurry Machine

2008 AD: Obama Runs Mostly Scandal-Free Administration

2017 AD: The Last Jedi Mostly Not A Terrible Movie

Great job, CNN!



Attention

Award-winning investigative journalist ridiculed on Twitter after calling out Ivanka Trump for 'LEGOGATE' fib

Lego White House
© Getty Images / Tom Brenner
A Lego model of the White House is seen resting on a desk inside the Oval Office of the White House, March 6, 2019
With 'Russiagate' done and dusted, and the 'Ukrainegate' impeachment a flop, some intrepid journalists have scraped the bottom of the barrel and come up with a new Trump family scandal: 'Legogate.'

Speaking to the Republican National Convention on Thursday, the US president's daughter and advisor, Ivanka Trump, shared a personal anecdote about moving to Washington DC with her family. "My son Joseph promptly built Grandpa a Lego replica of the White House. The president still displays it on the mantel in the Oval Office and shows it to world leaders, just so they know he has the greatest grandchildren on Earth," she said.

An innocuous story on the surface, but WNYC reporter and Peabody Award recipient Andrea Bernstein smelled a rat. "OMG," she tweeted, "She told the same story about herself once, building a lego Trump Tower. The story was made up."

Smiley

Powerful: Protesters spell out 'love' with burning homes and businesses

burning house love
© The Babylon Bee
In a powerful display of their care for love and justice, protesters in Minneapolis burned the word "LOVE" into the city, arranging the inspiring message with homes and businesses set ablaze by their riots.

Heartfelt and moving.

"We just really wanted to show how much we care about love and social justice by burning this community into a powerful reminder of what it's all about," said local protester Jake Hernandez, who had flown in from Portland for the event. "Now, when police and fire helicopters fly over to try to restore order, they'll be inspired by our message of love and harmony."

Upon seeing the heart-wrenching message of unity, police dropped their batons, ripped off their badges, donned bandanas, picked up bricks, and joined the protesters in their rioting and looting. "I don't know how I didn't see the light before," said former police officer, now Antifa chapter leader Bridget Morrison as she lobbed a Molotov cocktail into a minority-owned business. "I'm woke to the cause of love and harmony."

What a powerful message! The protesters were also planning to burn the word "SOCIAL JUSTICE" into predominantly black parts of town but have sadly run out of buildings to burn.

Black Cat 2

Cat lobby endorses Trump in hopes Americans will go back to work and leave them alone

Cats Endorse Trump
© Babylon Bee
At the Republican National Convention this week, the nation's largest cat lobby endorsed Trump in hopes that the economy will be reopened and Americans will go back to work.

The cats condemned Biden's plan to keep everyone at home and endorsed Trump's plan to send Americans back to work.

"Biden wants to lock down the country," said one tabby cat, addressing the Republican Cat Caucus. "This would be disastrous for our plans to crush human -- err, our plans to lie around and do absolutely nothing all day."

Fireball 5

Approaching asteroid surges to the top of the polls

Election Poll US
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — Asteroid 2018 VP1 is making a splash in the polls, having immediately eclipsed both incumbent President Donald Trump and challenger Joe Biden.

While some campaigns get off to a rocky start, the asteroid is seeing a meteoric rise in the polls. Trump and Biden have struggled with their plans to end coronavirus and restart the economy, but the asteroid says it can end all racism, economic problems, and all of our struggles forever.

"I'll take the asteroid," said one man in Delaware. "I was leaning Biden, but he kept saying dumb and racist things. The asteroid has never done anything like that. No gaffes of any kind."

Mr. Potato

Kamala Harris, 'pranked' by Russian comedians posing as Greta Thunberg, 'accepts' hoax kompromat on Trump

Kamala Harris Thunberg
© REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque (L) REUTERS/Lucas Jackson (R)
(L) Kamala Harris; Greta Thunberg.
It seems pranksters Vovan and Lexus have successfully duped another politician, with audio suggesting Democrat VP nominee Kamala Harris was eager to accept a fake recording of Donald Trump, believing the caller was Greta Thunberg.

Vovan and Lexus, whose real names are Vladimir Kuznetsov and Alexey Stolyarov, posed as the teenage climate activist and her father Svante to make a phone call in January to Harris, just months before she became Joe Biden's running mate.

"Congratulations on all your leadership. I'm so inspired by your courage and your voice," Sen. Harris (D-California) tells the pranksters, in the audio clip obtained by The Sun.

The duo then claim they have "dirt" on Trump that could prove helpful to Harris, in the form of a recording of the president telling Thunberg "you will never achieve your goal."

Smiley

Biden exceeds all expectations by speaking coherently for over 20 minutes!

Joe Biden

The size of the medical support team behind the speech is a closely guarded secret
Fans nervously gathered by the dozens on Thursday to hear Joe Biden's historic acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention. After 20 minutes, supporters and Democrats across the nation were blown away by Biden's ability to make it through a coherent speech without forgetting who he was or falling asleep.

As the Biden delivered his final words, Democrats exhaled and erupted in rapturous applause, their abysmal expectations shattered.

"I can't believe it! He actually did it!" one campaign staffer exclaimed. "It's taken weeks to prepare for this event. We had to make sure and remove any distractions, such as heads of hair, or shiny objects from the stage. We surrounded him with teleprompters which included colorful pictures. He practiced reading the speech 1,200 times. We've been pumping him full of various drugs for 3 days to keep him more lucid. All our hard work paid off!"

Mr. Potato

Report: Kamala Harris already vetting VP picks

kamala harris
Supporters of Kamala Harris have been eagerly awaiting an announcement on who her VP pick will be when she takes over as president approximately 5 minutes after Joe Biden is inaugurated. According to sources close to the campaign, she is already vetting possible candidates for the job.

"I am proud to announce I will soon be announcing my pick for Vice President of the United States," said Harris. "We have searched all across this great land. While I cannot yet confirm who my pick will be, I can say this: my pick for VP will be even MORE of a woman and even MORE of color than I am. It will be the most colorful and womanly team ever!" She then threw her head back and cackled maniacally.