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Archaeologists discover Target store ruins in Sodom and Gomorrah


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 05 Jun 2023 15:29 UTC
target sodom gomorrah satire
© The Babylon Bee
Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the final remains of Sodom and Gomorrah's beloved Target store.

"You could still make out the display for tuck-friendly tunics," said Dr. Sally McNeil. "It's clear these perverted rapists were massive Target fans."

According to the Israeli excavators, researchers began searching for a possible Target store after unearthing hundreds of pairs of yoga pants. "We knew we had to be close," said Dr. McNeil. "As soon as we found the sign saying 'Satan Respects Pronouns', we knew we'd found it. Our survey indicates the Sodomites had installed curbside pick-up to the south, and a gender mutilation station for children at the north entrance. It was really a very modern society, not so different from our own."

Further research at the dig site led researchers to believe the heavenly fire that burned up Sodom and Gomorrah may have struck the Target store first. "Everyone says Target smells nice, right up until the point sulfur begins raining from the sky," said team member Adrian Maldonado. "You can only walk around the child-abusing satanist products for so long without knowing that the Lord's wrath must be coming. This looks like it was ground zero. Greed, depravity and violence, all wrapped up with a nice bull's-eye on top for the Lord's fury."

At publishing time, Christians had begun nervously looking to the sky any time they drove too near a Target.
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Georgia officials urge citizens to 'please wear clothes in your digital driver's license photo'

Zoe Sottile
CNN
Sat, 27 May 2023 17:14 UTC
man laptop pajamas shirtless stock photo
© LuckyBusiness/iStockphoto/Getty ImagesThe Georgia Department of Drivers' Services is asking drivers to keep their clothes on for their digital driver's licenses and IDs.
Your driver's license is not the right place for a spicy selfie, according to Georgia officials.

The Georgia Department of Drivers' Services took to Facebook Tuesday to remind drivers to keep their clothes on while taking photos for a digital driver's license or ID.

"Please take pictures with your clothes on when submitting them for your Digital Driver's License and IDs," wrote the department.

Comment: The ensuing thread is pretty funny.

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Smiley

Due to high crime, Mafia closes Chicago office


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 01 Jun 2023 14:25 UTC
chicago boarded up offices downtown
Today marked the end of an era, as the Mafia announced it was officially closing its Chicago branch due to the rising wave of violent crime in the city.

"We just can't operate under these conditions," said street boss Albert "Albie the Falcon" Vena, speaking on behalf of Salvatore "Solly D" DeLaurentis, who has run the Chicago organization since 2021. "How are we supposed to conduct respectable business — loan sharking, bribery, racketeering, illegal gambling — with so much crime going on? It's insane!"

The Windy City has long been known for its organized crime operations, dating back even before the days of Al "Scarface" Capone in the 1920s Prohibition Era. Today's mobsters now lament the difficulty they face in doing horrible things behind the scenes in the city while so many even more horrible things are being done in broad daylight. "One of our best leg-breakers got his legs broken by a gang of 40 high schoolers last week," said organization member Frank "Toots" Caruso. "They recorded it and put it on TikTok. We just don't feel safe around here. I'm afraid to just walk down the street!"

Rising crime rates in Chicago have become a staple under Democrat leaders, resulting in skyrocketing numbers of violent crimes and shooting deaths, despite the city having some of the strictest gun laws in the nation. "You think we're gonna be out there working?" asked Nicholas "Jumbo" Guzzino. "Are you kidding me? I don't wanna get shot!"

At publishing time, members of the Chicago "Outfit" had successfully packed up and were on their way out of town before being mugged on their way to the airport.
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Smiley

Being a horrible bastard the key to longevity, finds report


Waterford Whispers News
Wed, 24 May 2023 19:23 UTC
Rolf Harris
© Waterford Whispers New
WHETHER you're a Nazi war criminal, a kiddie fiddler or someone who sings louder than the band at a concert, a link has been found in a brand-new study which found that the key to longevity is simply being a horrible bastard.

The newly published paper stated that the absolute dregs of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advised carrying out the most heinous of crimes if you want to become a centennial.

"Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; all lived depraved horrible existences and yet managed to see the right side of 80," the report found, "in fact, we haven't found a Nazi war criminal in hiding who didn't surpass 90 years on this planet".
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Smiley

Biden: $10 million payment from Romania to his cat is 'totally legit'


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 12 May 2023 20:51 UTC
biden cat satire bribe
In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.

"Listen, folks, it's none of my business what deals my cat is making around the world. I know nothing about it," said the President. "Willow is the smartest cat I know, and it doesn't surprise me to hear that he provided a totally real and legitimate and non-corrupt service to the Romanian government in exchange for millions of dollars which I'm sure was fully deserved and that I've never seen. I'm not corrupt. Do you think I'd be President if I was corrupt? Come on, man!"

Sources say the White House press pool let out a collective sigh of relief, happy that their concerns were so decisively laid to rest. "When the President says he did nothing wrong, you have to believe him," said recent Georgetown grad and White House Correspondent Krissy Persimmons. "That's just science."

Journalists were also told not to worry about the $3 million Ukrainian payment to Biden's dog Major, the $12 million Chinese payment to Dr. Jill, or the dead hooker found in the trunk of Biden's Corvette.

At publishing time, the White House cat was found dead of a self-inflicted hit-and-run.
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Smiley

Biden rally finally draws larger crowd than Trump


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 18 May 2023 20:54 UTC
satire biden rally migrants texas border
Rally for Biden held on the Texas border
The mainstream media has been heaping praise on President Biden for finally drawing a larger crowd than former President Trump. According to reports, hundreds of thousands are gathering in El Paso and it's all because of President Biden.

"These are truly historic numbers we are seeing! Trump could never get this many people even at his biggest rallies," gushed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "This is an incredible moment for President Biden. He's clearly resonating with the American people -- well, the people, anyway -- and it's clear that his policies are making a real difference."

Upon seeing the massive crowds, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow added, "This just goes to show that people are hungry for real leadership and real strength. President Biden is clearly delivering on that front."

Many news sites praised the crowd for its youthfulness and diversity. "Just look at how young of a crowd Biden pulls!" exclaimed Anderson Cooper. "All those unaccompanied minors — I mean democrat voters and it's all thanks to Biden."

When asked for comment, even Trump had to admit that it was a "tremendous and unbelievably large crowd of people that — to be quite frank with you — I could never draw, believe me!"
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Arrow Down

San Francisco announces plan to release monkeys onto the streets to fling away all the poo


Babylon Bee
Wed, 17 May 2023 20:18 UTC
Monkeys on the Street
© Babylon Bee
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an effort to finally clean up the streets, San Francisco announced they will release several packs of monkeys into the city to help fling away all the poo.

"We all know monkeys like to throw poo," said John Hawkins, Director for the Department of Sanitation. "We have lots of poo. It's a match made in heaven."
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Smiley

Elon Musk apologizes to Magneto for comparing him to George Soros


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 17 May 2023 19:29 UTC
elon musk soros magneto satire
© The Babylon Bee
After controversial comments that spooked investors in Tesla and Twitter, Elon Musk has finally come forward to apologize to Magneto for comparing him to the dastardly villain George Soros.

"I would like to say I'm sorry to Max Eisenhardt, also known as 'Magneto,'" said Elon in a statement. "My comparison was unfair. While Magneto is a conflicted and misunderstood character with real human motivations you can empathize with, Soros is an insane cartoon villain with an inhuman hatred for humanity. Not even close to the same person."

The Anti-Defamation League thanked Elon for the apology and expressed hope that he will do better in the future. "It is unfair to compare anyone, living or dead, to that evil, hollow shell of a man known as 'Soros,'" said ADL CEO Jonathan Greenblatt. "We certainly hope Mr. Musk chooses his words more wisely in the future."

When reached for comment, Soros responded by catching a fly out of the air with his tongue and asking one of his servants to turn up his heat lamp.

Comment: Bonus Bee!



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Smiley

CNN host sues Trump for assault and defamation after town hall


Babylon Bee
Thu, 11 May 2023 03:05 UTC
CNN and Trump
© Babylon Bee
GOFFSTOWN, NH — A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.

"He said things I didn't agree with. Even worse, he said things I didn't like," said Collins in a statement. "It was the most traumatizing experience of my life. It was assault, plain and simple. And defamation. I'm suing Trump for $5 million like that other lady."

Sources also reported Trump called the CNN host a "nasty person," which trusted fact-checkers have determined was false.
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Smiley

Mother Nature joking around: Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

Stephanie Pappas
LIve Science
Sun, 07 May 2023 16:01 UTC
iceberg penis shape canada
© Kenneth J PrettyA penis-shaped iceberg floated by the town of Dildo, Canada, which isn't too far from the city of Spread Eagle and the town of Placentia.
It doesn't get any more apt than this: A photographer from the Newfoundland town of Dildo has captured images of a penis-shaped iceberg off the Canadian coast.

The suggestive 'berg consists of a column with a domed head protruding up from two oval rafts of ice. Photographer Ken Pretty captured a shot of the ice formation by drone near the town of Harbour Grace, which sits along — the puns keep adding up — Conception Bay.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the "dickie berg," as locals are calling it, has attracted international attention, with Pretty sharing news stories from as far away as Thailand and Taiwan on his Facebook page.

"I knew I'd get a lot of comments, but I didn't expect this much," Pretty told the news agency Saltwire (opens in new tab) on Friday (April 28).
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