© AwakenWithJP
Screencapture of secret PayPal discussion of mis-information fines
Screencapture of secret PayPal discussion of mis-information fines
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
© Waterford Whispers
"I've been hearing about this since I was five-years-old, so you know what, go ahead and do it - whatever nuclear holocaust awaits us, it can't be any worse than this will-they won't-they crap every few decades," stated one man we spoke to today, who claims he's sick of the US and Russia's 'Ross & Rachel' approach to all-out war.
"So, the options on the table are a slow and excruciating descent into climate hell for the next 100 years or just a quick trigger where it's lights out across the globe in one go? Sign me up for option B," added another lady we talked to, who would like to go out nice and quick.
© The Babylon Bee
"The Ukrainian government flies this flag, and they're just swimming in billions and billions of dollars in support from the United States. We're just swimming in sewage," said Ray Valdivia, the Response Coordinator working to assess the damage in the town. "We tried going through the normal channels to get help from the government, but Biden just sent us a letter of "best wishes" that looks like it may have been written in crayon."
Though the situation across the Sunshine State has been critical since the hurricane blew through last week, Congress has maintained a keen focus on funneling astronomical amounts of taxpayer money overseas to pay the salaries of Ukrainian government officials and support American defense contractors' war efforts against Russia.
"These requests coming in from Florida are small potatoes," Nancy Pelosi slurred at her meeting with the press when asked about providing hurricane relief. "Sending money to Florida would not save the world from Russia or effectively launder the taxpayer money in any way."
At publishing time, citizens of Ft. Myers were working on using fake Ukrainian accents and inviting Hollywood celebrities to visit their devastated towns, hoping to convince the ignorant actors that they were visiting war-torn Kyiv instead.
© The Bablyon Bee
"Seriously! Irma? Michael? Andrew? Ian? What's with all these white names, folks?" said Biden to several of his dead acquaintances who he saw sitting in the audience. "Why can't we have a Rosa Parks hurricane? Or maybe an Oprah? For real! It's not a joke! Come on, man!"
The World Meteorological Association immediately responded to Biden's request and confirmed they have several names of influential women of color they hope to use for the next deadly tropical cyclone.
At publishing time, sources confirmed Hurricane Lizzo is scheduled to make landfall next week.
© Babylon Bee
"Hey, folks, we did it! I did it! I brought the plague rate down! This is because of my policies. No joke! Come on, man!" said Pharoah in a speech, apparently still slightly dazed from being struck in the head by a flaming hailstone. "We now have 10 fewer plagues than we had just a month ago. That's real progress! For real!"
Comment: Yes, it's apolitical. And, yes, it's hilarious! Enjoy (if you haven't seen this very viral video already)!
This guy just loves his corn! Some would even say he's the CEO of corn! He's a real cornboy. Corn!
© Waterford Whispers News
Here's everything you need to know about Liz Truss:
Is Britain's third successive female leader to prove it's not only the men that can be detached sociopaths who pride themselves on telling impoverished people that actually, everything is just fine.
Is ideologically opposed to handouts that don't go directly to her in the form of MP expenses.
Solutions to rising energy bills in a harsh winter have included stockpiling frozen pensioners and burning them in a fire for warmth.
Worked for Shell, and thinks building more wind turbines to offset reliance on foreign fossil fuels is worse than murder, so the climate is in safe hands.
Not a fan of the European Court of Human Rights, so if any Britons are planning on being the victim of a grave injustice such as killing by police, war crimes, extra-judicial deportations or human trafficking - now's the time to do it while you're still protected by the law.
© Awaken with JP/YouTube
© The Babylon Bee
"The state has been inundated with an influx of U-Hauls because of all the Californians leaving their state," said Henry Gugelface, lead engineer of the Texas border wall project. "We were hesitant to send the trucks back to California because we are so tired of Californians. Utilizing the excess U-Haul trucks for the border wall killed two birds with one stone!"
The new stretch of border wall fills in gaps east of El Paso where migrants have been traveling into the country by the thousands. Now, though Hispanics have been braving an unforgiving desert landscape and river water to reach America, they are finding themselves stopped cold by a pile of U-Haul trucks haphazardly thrown together.
"Nothing can penetrate our great wall," Gov Abbott told members of the press. "It's been so successful that we're considering building a wall around the entire state just to keep other Americans out. Yeah, boy! Yee haw!"
At publishing time, shares of Budget Truck Rental's stock have surged as Californians resort to U-Haul alternatives in a desperate attempt to leave their state behind.
Comment: Bonus Bee!
The California Dream ain't what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:
Comment: Bonus Bee!