Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Jerkface Elon Musk refuses to help start nuclear war

elon musk
Ukraine boss Volodimir Zelensky is reportedly irate at the lack of international support he's received in his extended battle with Russia, including a recent snub by major certified butthead Elon Musk who has refused to help start a nuclear war.

"Not only have we not received the trillions of dollars in blank checks we requested, but stupid dipwad Elon Musk won't let us use his Starlink system to inch us closer to nuclear holocaust," said a visibly perturbed Zelensky from another mansion, but we're not sure which one there are so many at this point. "Doesn't he know how much sacrifice and prison time my political opponents have endured since this war began?"

Doberman

Heavy metal pup: Dog escapes home, sneaks into Metallica concert

dog metallica concert
© Metallica/InstagramAfter a full night taking in the show with her #MetallicaFamily, Storm was safely reunited with her actual family the next day.
A music-loving dog was returned to her family after escaping from her home and sneaking into a Metallica concert in California.

Storm, an adorable German shepherd that snuck out of her Inglewood home and enjoyed the Metallica concert at nearby SoFi Stadium, is back with her owners after a memorable adventure.

Though it is unclear how exactly Storm got out of her home on Aug. 25, her owners were amused by her fun night out.

"We don't know how she got out, we checked our cameras and we didn't see nothing," owner Kathy Villa told KTLA.

She and Aribeth Hurtado found out the pup had gone to the heavy metal show like the rest of us: seeing the photo of Storm sitting among the crowd watching the band.

Smiley

Bud Light welcomes new investor Bill Gates with limited edition Jeffrey Epstein cans

bill gates epstein beer can bud light
© The Babylon Bee
Bud Light welcomed newly minted $100 million investor Bill Gates today with a special, limited-edition can featuring his old friend Jeffrey Epstein.

"First Dylan Mulvaney, now Jeffrey Epstein," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "This has been a banner year for Bud Light."

Bill Gates purchased $100 million of public stock in Anheuser-Busch, believing his image could really help win back Bud Light's conservative customer base. "I believe with just a few tweaks to the MRNA -- I mean recipe, Bud Light is poised for a comeback," said Mr. Gates. "We plan to kick things off by offering a free microchip with the purchase of a twelve-pack. It's going to be gangbusters."

As a thanks to Mr. Gates, Anheuser-Busch decided to produce a special can to bring a bit of the island life home. "We are grateful for Mr. Gates taking care of our needs, just like Jeffrey Epstein took care of his," said Mr. Whitworth. "We hope this little token shows the world exactly the sort of company we are."

At publishing time, conservatives were deeply confused how Anheuser-Busch planned to overcome a trans-influencer controversy by partnering with a guy with man boobs.

Roses

Margaritaville orders all little umbrellas to be flown at half-staff

mixed drink umbrellas
Authorities in Margaritaville have called for all the tiny drink umbrellas to be flown at half-staff today in honor of the late Mayor, Mr. Jimmy Buffett.

"If it were possible to have a sad day in Margaritaville, today would be the day," said the announcement. "All we ask is that everyone fly their drink umbrella at half-staff and order a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french-fried potatoes."

According to locals, Mr. Buffett passed away at five o'clock - at least, five o'clock somewhere. "Alright, let's all pour something tall and strong," said local man Alan Jackson. "You know what? Make it a hurricane. Everyone's welcome to sail in today -- just keep it between the navigational beacons."

At publishing time, sources report that Mr. Buffett had finally been reunited with his lost shaker of salt.

Smiley

Trump trial for election interference scheduled to interfere with election

Trump and We
© unknownFormer US President Donald Trump
The federal judge presiding over former President Donald Trump's trial on charges of election interference has set a trial date that will line up perfectly to interfere with the 2024 presidential election.

"This certainly is the most appropriate date," said U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan in her announcement. "Mr. Trump is not above the law, and holding this trial to determine if he is guilty of interfering in the 2020 election gives the federal government its best chance of interfering in the 2024 election."

The trial start date, March 4, falls just one day before the "Super Tuesday" primaries, which a spokesperson for the Department of Justice insists is only a coincidence. "Total happenstance," said the source on the condition of anonymity.
"This was not, in any way, done to affect Donald Trump's ability to campaign during the crucial period of state primary voting. There is also no truth to the rumors that we did an extensive investigation into what date would be most ideal to harm Trump's campaign or cast him in a questionable light in the eyes of voters. Nope. Not at all. That would be election interference, and we do not do that. That's illegal."
President Trump did not accept the DOJ's claims of impartiality. "BOGUS TRIAL DATE!" he said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Another move by our CORRUPT Justice Department to try to hurt me in the primaries. Even if I'm sitting in a courtroom, I will SWEEP the primaries, something nobody ever thought possible, but it is with me. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"

At publishing time, The DOJ was reportedly hard at work scheduling all court dates to coincide with important election dates while claiming the coincidence was purely coincidental.

Smiley

Republicans debate to see who will lose to Biden in a landslide mail-in vote in middle of night

2024 republican debate
© Fox News
In an electrifying debate tonight, 8 Republican candidates competed for a chance to lose to President Biden in a shady landside mail-in vote in the middle of the night.

"I, Mike Pence, an experienced politician with impeccable integrity, am the best candidate to have the election stolen from me by ballot harvesters during the height of a fake pandemic in 2024," said Mike Pence. "I will lose with all the dignity and pride of a Republican. That's what America is all about."

"No, I am the best candidate for this important task," said Nikki Haley. "No one on this stage is better equipped than me to stand aside like a schmuck while the election is rigged by powerful tech corporations, corrupt deep state bureaucrats, and foreign governments to get a functionally dead candidate like Biden back in office. Also, I'm a woman! Vote for me!"

The 8 candidates then erupted in loud arguing and screaming at each other to the delight of cheering fans.

At publishing time, Trump had claimed victory in the debate and promised to have the greatest stolen election loss in history.

Smiley

Hilary makes landfall, 30,000 plus emails destroyed

hurrican hilary emails destroyed satire
© The Babylon Bee
Hurricane Hilary made landfall today in California, quickly destroying tens of thousands of emails upon her arrival.

"My house is fine, but my email server -- annihilated," said San Diego resident Jim McKay. "Nature is so weird like that."

Despite weakening to a category one hurricane, Hilary still packed a vicious punch upon making landfall. "I'm ok, but the storm somehow crushed my cell phone," said local woman Alicia Gonzales. "I mean, it's like someone took a hammer to this thing. People are letting down their guard because Hilary has weakened, but she's still got power where it counts."

According to officials, the final toll of Hilary's destruction may range into the hundreds of thousands of emails. "It may be a catastrophic loss - of data, at least," said Los Angeles mayor Karen Bass. "I myself was not spared, as all e-mails relating to bribery money from USC and my friendly relations to the Castro family have been wiped out. Sad!"

At publishing time, experts reported that Hurricane Hilary's weakening was due to a southward moving tropical depression named Donald.

Smiley

Target attempts to lure back customers with new 'Straight White Male' pride collection

target straight white male products satire
© The Babylon Bee
Target Corporation is making drastic changes in its product selection in an effort to win back customers following the first quarterly earnings loss in six years. Thus, they have unveiled the new Straight White Male Pride Collection available in stores nationwide.

The collection will be featured near the entrance of every store where the transgender kids' clothes were once featured.

"We've always loved straight, white male customers," said Target CEO while wearing a flannel shirt tucked into a pair of Leeโ„ข jeans. "As it turns out, selling products that spit in the face of your core customers' moral values tends to hurt sales a bit. Also, I love all beers except for that super gay Bud Light. Barf-o-rama, amirite?"

The marketing rollout for the Straight White Male Pride Collection has begun, with ads showing multiple red-headed white guys who look a lot like Oliver Anthony decked out in cargo shorts and Skechers comparing their multi-tools and talking about Ford trucks.

The collection will also include beard oil, Jordan Peterson posters, and five-gallon drums of mayonnaise.

Smiley

Tiny Texas border town really sorry to hear about New York City struggling with a few thousand migrants

migrants new york city
Residents of a small Texas border town have expressed their sympathy for New York City as it buckles under the weight of a few thousand migrants.

"Wow, it must be tough to be one of the wealthiest, most powerful cities in the world while sheltering a few illegal immigrants," said Arnie McClanahan while making his way through a crowd of 150 homeless strangers in his front yard. "As a citizen of a tiny border town currently populated with only 36 Texans and 89,000 illegal immigrants, I know how difficult that must be for them."

Leaders from the small town met to discuss ways they could possibly alleviate the suffering of stock brokers in SoHo, supermodels in Tribeca, and Broadway actors in Greenwich Village. "Surely, there must be something we can do to help those poor folks!" said Meemaw Gunderson, who runs the local homeless shelter currently populated with 20,000 border crossers. "Those poor souls won't be able to hold out much longer!"

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has begged for aid as his city struggles to provide for the handful of people who have been sent there from the border. "What am I supposed to do for these people?" said Adams. "I'm only the Mayor of the sanctuary city of New York, for goodness sake!"

At publishing time, the people of Acala had elected to send New York City 10,000 more migrants to assist city workers in settling the migrants already there.

Arrow Down

White House says Bidenomics so successful the average American has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago

White House Liar
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. โ€” In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of "Bidenomics," as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.

"Thanks to the President's wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs," said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. "Our economists ran the numbers and found that's twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!"

"Wow! Thanks, President Biden!" said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. "I'm just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I'll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!"