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Fri, 30 Oct 2020
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Democrats hiss in terror as ACB pulls out crucifix

ACB Amy Coney Barrett crucifix
Amy Coney Barrett has eloquently defended herself through the Senate confirmation hearings this morning. But as Dems grew increasingly vicious, she was forced to turn to desperate measures.

After several hours of hearings, Barrett pulled out a large crucifix and held it aloft. A light shone from the heavens, and the Democrats knew they were defeated.

They shrunk back and began to hiss. "Noooo!" cried Senator Richard Blumenthal. "It burns us! Take it away!" He dove under his desk to hide from its light.

Smiley

Off-script again: Media criticizes Trump for downplaying virus threat by not dying

trump thumbs up covid
© C-SPAN/Screenshot
Still here!
President Donald Trump is once again under fire from the media for recklessly downplaying the danger of COVID by refusing to die. As the president begins to show signs of recovery, many worry that this sends the wrong message about the seriousness of the global pandemic.

"Every hour that he lives is another hour that the severity of this virus is undermined!" said reporter Sara Grace Major for CNN. "Why won't he just DIE and show the American people how deadly this virus truly is?"

"Mr. President, are you sure you don't need to lie down indefinitely or go on a ventilator?" asked another distraught journalist. "Maybe even say goodbye to your loved ones?!"

"Honestly, I feel terrific. Tremendous, really. I was never afraid of this virus before, but now I am even more not afraid. It's sad, really. I was told this virus would be one tough cookie," Trump said to the press. "In fact, I've never felt better."

"His defiance is going to get people killed. Dying like he's supposed to would be the most patriotic thing he could do," complained CNN correspondent Adam Pelot. "If he lives, how will the people be able to trust science?"

At publishing time, members of the press had begun pulling their own hair out as they watched the "incredibly strong and healthy" president go for a jog around the White House grounds.

NPC

Man who agrees with the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood thinks he's part of the resistance

resistance
The Babylon Bee had the honor of sitting down with a local brave #resistance fighter to learn more about the fearless counterculture fighting against hate and other bad stuff like that. According to Doy Keeblesmush, a leader of the local resistance movement in Seattle, the ideology consists of whatever the media, universities, corporations, and Hollywood tell them they should think.

"Yeah, I'm pretty much a free thinker," said Keeblesmush when interviewed at a protest rally sponsored by Kinko's. "I would say my ideology is an eclectic mix of Vox, Marvel comics, Starbucks' Twitter feed, and whatever my Sociology 101 professor says. There's a lot of hate and misinformation out there, so it's important that I get my life's moral compass entirely from multi-billion dollar corporations and celebrities. The only exception is dead German philosophers like Marx. They're cool too."

Smiley

Showboating fly lands on Pence's head, steals spotlight during VP debate

pence fly debate
© AFP via Getty Images
Ambitious fly's two minutes of national fame
They were so worried about the coronavirus, they didn't consider pest control!

A regular black housefly became the unlikely star of Wednesday night's lone vice presidential debate in Utah when it made a home on Vice President Mike Pence's silver mane.

Pence didn't seem to notice the insect, which didn't appear to move, just sitting there on his head for 2 minutes and 9 seconds, as he debated his Democratic opponent, Sen. Kamala Harris, during the showdown in Salt Lake City.

The fly, which stood out starkly on Pence's bright white coif, immediately generated buzz on Twitter, with pundits telling USA Today moderator Susan Page that the American people needed to hear from Marty McFly.

Smiley

Trump absorbs COVID attack: Unlocks 'unlimited power!'

trump beat covid power
© The Babylon Bee
Libs have tried to take down Donald Trump with impeachment, lockdowns, and coronavirus. Each of these attempts has backfired, with Donald Trump simply absorbing the attacks and growing more powerful.

With their latest assault, Dems conspired with Communist China to infect Trump with the coronavirus. They're really going to regret this one though, as Trump once again absorbed the energy of the attack and has now apparently unlocked near-invulnerability.

"Power! Unlimited power!" he cried as lightning crackled off his fingertips. "The power of liberal outrage is a pathway to many abilities most consider to be... unnatural." He then claimed to have unlocked the ability to heal people and bring them back from the dead through his newfound powers, though he said he's still working out the kinks, as he accidentally resurrected Hitler as a zombie.

He also quickly struck down the Green New Deal with his ultimate power, saying, "I have waited a long time for this moment, my green little friend," before blasting the proposal into charred scraps of paper with his lightning fingers. "HAHAHAHAHA!"

Trump has apparently acquired so much power that he dismissed the Senate, saying he no longer needs them to appoint justices to the Supreme Court. "I am the Senate!" he said.

Toys

Trump adds 'Black Lives Matter' sticker to SUV so media can't claim he's spreading COVID

trump black lives matter sticker
In what's being hailed as a 14-dimensional Go move, President Trump added a Black Lives Matter decal to his SUV so he can take as many trips outside the hospital as he wants, and the media won't be able to claim he's spreading COVID.

"Checkmate," Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. "This is fantastic. Now, if I want to go grab a milkshake from the McDonald's drive-thru -- bam, Black Lives Matter sticker. Can't touch me. Can't criticize me. It's beautiful. Tremendous, really."

With his newfound freedom, Trump instructed his motorcade to drive around the city. The president waved at supporters -- referred to as "peaceful protesters" -- and stopped at the drive-in to catch Tenet. He even shared a bucket of popcorn with Secret Service agents, and not a single reporter was able to claim he was spreading the virus, thanks to his handy decal.

Smiley

Snopes rating: The devil's lies 'mostly true'

snopes devil lies jesus
© The Babylon Bee
As the only unbiased arbiter of truth in a world of fake news, Snopes continues to expand its selfless mission to fact-check all the things everywhere. Whether they're calling out a popular satire site for being conspicuously hilarious or explaining how blatant lies point to deeper truths, you can count on Snopes to probe the darkest depths, like a colonoscope of accuracy.

As it turns out, not even Satan himself is safe from a Snopes fact-check. In a recent post, Snopes analyzed several statements made by the Prince of Darkness, utilizing their tried-and-true, highly methodical, investigative techniques to determine how his words lined up with their feelings.

In one example, Satan claimed that eating a particular fruit would not cause anyone to die, but would instead grant them an improved understanding of moral issues. According to Snopes' assessment, while consuming the fruit has been followed by billions and billions of deaths, those casualties were more of an indirect result, while the part about gaining knowledge of good and evil was generally accurate. They also checked all the lies Satan told Jesus while He was being tempted in the desert and pointed out that he did quote Scripture, albeit out of context, earning the Prince of Darkness another "Mostly True" rating.

In the article, Snopes explains that while the Devil has clearly made some factually inaccurate statements over the years, they observed that he tended to "mix a lot of truth with a little bit of lie," thus earning the "Mostly True" label.

People 2

Womxn and non-womxn: By changing the way that people speak, we will be able to fix all the bad thoughts that exist inside people's head

titania mcgrath
A great philosopher once observed that the destruction of words is a beautiful thing. I can't remember her name, but I'm pretty sure she must have been a social justice activist of the most pioneering kind.

I was thrilled to see that TED — the company that runs all those online lectures — has decided henceforth to use "womxn" rather than the outdated word "women". This is because "women" excludes non-cisgender people. And because transwomen are women, it's essential that they have a different word to show that they are exactly the same.

Any words that uphold cisgender or patriarchal privilege are a form of hate speech. So instead of "boys" you should say "ungirls", instead of "vagina" you should say "front hole", and instead of "semen" you should say "hate syrup".

Attention

Coronavirus panics after testing positive for Trump

trump coronavirus
Coronavirus has begun panicking after testing positive for Trump.

The test came back late Thursday evening, and doctors confirmed the worst: the coronavirus has contracted Trump-45.

"Oh no! We're doomed!" cried tiny little coronaviruses, frantically looking for a way to escape Trump's body. But Trump held his breath and plugged his nose and ears, sealing off escape hatch after escape hatch, preventing the viruses from leaving his body. Superpowered Trump antibodies, shaped like little Ys with orange hair, charged in, sealing the coronavirus's fate.

"Game over, man, game over! They're coming out of the blood vessel walls -- they're coming out of the goshdarn walls!" the coronaviruses screamed as they made their desperate last stand.

Coronavirus was also concerned it might be called a Nazi and doxxed for its association with Donald Trump. These fears appeared to be justified, as CNN immediately began digging up coronavirus's old tweets.

Map

Parrots in wildlife park moved after swearing at visitors

african grey parrot jade
Five parrots have been removed from public view at a British wildlife park after they started swearing at customers.

The foul-mouthed birds were split up after they launched a number of different expletives at visitors and staff just days after being donated to Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England.

"It just went ballistic, they were all swearing," the venue's chief executive Steve Nichols told CNN Travel on Tuesday. "We were a little concerned about the children."

"I get called a fat t**t every time I walk past," Nichols complained.

The African grey parrots -- named Eric, Jade, Elsie, Tyson and Billy -- were given to the park from five different owners within the same week, and shared a quarantining facility together before being placed on display.

But staff immediately noticed that the birds shared a propensity to fly off the handle.