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Tue, 03 Aug 2021
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State of California votes to officially secede from reality

newsom
In a move that puts into ink what most Americans have known for decades now, Governor Gavin Newsom announced Wednesday that the State of California has voted to officially secede from reality.

"This is just a formality, really. We've been in our own little world for some time now, as everybody knows," he said at an afternoon press conference announcing the decision. "I mean, we're fighting to jail restaurant workers who give customers plastic straws, for crying out loud! Hahahaahahoooo boy!"

"In any event, let it be known henceforth that the State of California categorically renounces all ties to so-called 'reality,' and will continue governing our people without any regard for objective facts, morality, or sanity."

At publishing time, rumors were swirling of a new motion to rename California "La La Land."

Pocket Knife

HHS nominee says kids should decide for themselves whether to stick a knife in a toaster

Rachel Levine kid knife toaster
During an intense round of questioning from senators on Capitol Hill, Assistant HHS Secretary Nominee Rachel Levine refused to answer Rand Paul's intense line of questioning as to whether young children should be allowed to stick a knife in a toaster while it's plugged in.

"Listen, it's a simple question," said Senator Paul. "Should we, or should we not allow 3-year-old kids to electrocute themselves by sticking a giant knife into a plugged-in toaster?"

"That is a very interesting question about a complicated issue," answered Levine.

Bulb

Biden clarifies that stimulus checks are 'just an idea'

biden
As more and more Americans start wondering where the $2,000 stimulus checks Joe Biden promised are, especially as he's now decided to start meddling in Syria, Biden issued a statement today clarifying that the stimulus checks were "just an idea."

"The stimulus checks, see, they're just an idea," he said, shrugging off claims that the stimulus checks were supposed to be actual checks sent to Americans. "They're more of a metaphor. You might say the real stimulus checks were just the countries we bombed along the way, Jack. The real stimulus checks, ya see, they were inside us all along."

"You there, the grrr-- the girl with the pretty hair," he said, gesturing toward a reporter in the front row. "You're a stimulus check. And you, the guy with the mustache -- you're a stimulus check. In a way, all of us are stimulus checks when we live according to the American values of love, progress, and unity. We can all become the stimulus checks we wish to see in the world."

Biden's statement brought everyone in the room to tears, and Snopes quickly fact-checked his claim that the stimulus checks were never intended to be literal but were always "just an idea" as "double-plus true."

Russian Flag

Resourceful Russians! Diplomats employ push trolley to depart from North Korea amid covid border restrictions

diplomats russia north korea push trolly train tracks
© Russia’s Foreign Ministry
The Russian delegation swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.
With borders shut tight due to the coronavirus pandemic, the diplomats from the Russian mission in Pyongyang had to saddle a handcar and push it all by themselves to make it home from North Korea.

The DPRK has always been a closed state, but getting in and out of it became even harder after the coronavirus hit. Eight diplomats and their family members, who returned to Russia from the country on Thursday, swapped several means of transportation during their lengthy journey.

Smiley

Oreo reveals new gender-neutral OreX cookies

gender neutral oreo cookies
© The Babylon Bee
In a long-overdue move, Nabisco has announced they will be dropping the problematic "o" at the end of Oreo and rebranding under the more inclusive and gender-neutral term "OreX."

"We know the world looks to cookie companies like Nabisco for all their guidance in matters of sexual ethics," said the company's CEO F. Ross Johnson. "After a quick meeting with our new diversity coordinator who graduated from college last week, we decided it was time for Oreo to be a part of the solution rather than part of the problem."

"We are proud to introduce new OreX to the world!"

The new cookies will ditch the white cream for an androgynous blend of pink and blue. The recipe will also be changed, using 100% trans-fats.

"If you don't eat our 100% trans-fat cookies," added Johnson, "you're a bigoted transphobe and on the wrong side of history."

Mike Lindell, the founder of MyPillow, responded to Nabisco's announcement announcing his plans to start his own cream-filled chocolate cookie company called "Heter-Oreos" that affirms traditional Christian sexuality.

Nabisco responded to Lindell's announcement with a cease and desist order.

Comment: Skipped right past 'Oreas', to go full woke. Bold move Nabisco!


Smiley

Compassionate Biden: Migrant children moved from cages into humane high-security metal containment cubes

migrant children cages biden
© The Babylon Bee
Biden has finally ended the cruel and long-standing Trump practice of keeping migrant kids in cages, and has elected to move them into much more compassionate "high-security metal containment cubes."

"We are proud of our cute little containment cubes," said Kamala Harris while loudly laughing for some inexplicable reason. "Look at them all neat and tidy , lined up in a row! Hahahahahaha!"

The new administration has assured the American people that the containment cubes are "completely different" than the evil cages Trump used to use, mainly because they are called "containment cubes" instead of cages.

Social workers on the border confirmed the children will be given up to three meals per day, will be allowed to attend anti-racism classes on Zoom, and provided with free air conditioning--at least when the power is working.

Children will be kept in these highly humane holding units until the cubes can be conveniently loaded onto a truck and shipped back to South America.

Bullseye

Hitler vindicated after historians discover his ideas came from Darwin

hitler darwin
Brought to you by:

center for science & culture logo
WORLD — Hitler has been vindicated of all his horrific wrongdoings after several historians discovered he simply borrowed most of his ideas from the celebrated scientist Charles Darwin.

"Wow-- we had no idea!" said Dr. Samuel Müller, a biology professor at Harvard. "As it turns out, Hitler was just following the scientific consensus around eugenics that was shared by every respected scientific institution at the time! He was just following the science! What a great guy!"

According to experts, the seeds of the eugenics movement were planted by Darwin himself in his book The Descent of Man. Darwin's own son Leonard Darwin, and his cousin Francis Galton went on to found the eugenics movement. The goal of the movement was "self-directed evolution," improving mankind by weeding out those deemed genetically "unfit." Experts say that Hitler latched on to this movement, which resulted in the murder of millions of innocent people.

Comment: See also:


Blackbox

How do you do, fellow kids? Biden White House leaves followers baffled after tweeting out-of-touch meme with Canadian PM

biden meme
© Twitter/ White House
The Biden administration has taken a popular meme and mutilated it, leaving what appears to be praise for Canada's Justin Trudeau but which was hard to understand either way.

Biden's White House Twitter account posted two images in a row captioned "How it started. How it's going" on Wednesday. The first showed Biden and Trudeau walking side by side down a hallway lined with flags, apparently from Biden's term as Vice President under Barack Obama. The second featured a large screen on which Trudeau was projected, with Biden turned towards it, seemingly in mid-speech, clearly taken during the pandemic.


It's not clear what message Biden was trying to send with the meme, which - if interpreted in the typical way - suggests that Biden talking to the larger-than-life Trudeau represents a deterioration of relations. The meme began life as a way for people to sum up the arc of their romantic relationships, but shortly after its arrival became used almost exclusively in a sarcastic manner.

Attention

Dr. Fauci reminds everyone that we will only have to wear masks until humans evolve organic face coverings at birth

fauci
After causing an uproar for constantly extending how long masks will be required, Dr. Fauci has finally provided much some needed answers. In a recent interview, Dr. Fauci has once and for all explained that we will only need to wear cloth masks until humans evolve them.

"As soon as humans naturally evolve an organic nose and mouth covering at birth, then we can start dialing back on the mask mandates." clarified Dr. Fauci. "This isn't going to be some endless, arbitrary policy. We have clear, scientific measures informing us when masks are obsolete."

"Well that is a huge relief!" said Cathy Pittman. "We just have to trust the science and everything will be better in no time! I was starting to think the masks were going to become permanent parts of our lives!"

In a statement, Dr. Fauci gave his estimate for when he thinks that the evolved facemasks might become a reality. "We're working with a purely scientific, definitive timetable now. We just need exactly right at about 2-5 millionish years give or take to probably evolve facemasks for the most part."

When pressed further, Dr. Fauci continued by saying, "I know that time will be here before you know it, but I don't think life should start returning to normal until humans are born with at least 2 naturally occurring face masks. So just another quick 5 million years!"

Smiley

Man who doesn't believe in settled science on gender, unborn babies or economics claims 'science on climate change is settled'

man glasses hipster woke
Local man Trevor J. Gavyn pleaded with his conservative coworker to "believe the science on climate change," though he himself does not believe the science on the number of genders there are, the fact that unborn babies are fully human, and that socialism has failed every time it has been tried.

"It's just like, the science is settled, man," he said in between puffs on his vape. "We just need to believe the scientists and listen to the experts here."

"Facts don't care about your feelings on the climate, bro," he added, though he ignores the fact that there are only two biological genders. He also hand-waves away the science that an unborn baby is 100% biologically human the moment it is conceived and believes economics is a "conservative hoax foisted on us by the Illuminati and Ronald Reagan."

"That whole thing is, like, a big conspiracy, man," he said.

The conservative coworker, for his part, said he will trust the science on gender, unborn babies, and economics while simply offering "thoughts and prayers" for the climate.