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Wed, 21 Oct 2020
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Mr. Potato

Report: Kamala Harris already vetting VP picks

kamala harris
Supporters of Kamala Harris have been eagerly awaiting an announcement on who her VP pick will be when she takes over as president approximately 5 minutes after Joe Biden is inaugurated. According to sources close to the campaign, she is already vetting possible candidates for the job.

"I am proud to announce I will soon be announcing my pick for Vice President of the United States," said Harris. "We have searched all across this great land. While I cannot yet confirm who my pick will be, I can say this: my pick for VP will be even MORE of a woman and even MORE of color than I am. It will be the most colorful and womanly team ever!" She then threw her head back and cackled maniacally.

Smiley

Strategy! Trump puts himself on all postage stamps, Dems forced to push for abolishing USPS

trump stamp satire
© The Babylon Bee
Sources are reporting that Trump has dealt a killer blow in his ongoing war against his sworn enemy, the U.S. Post Office. In a move of sheer, mind-blowing brilliance, Trump directed the Post Office to put his face on every single stamp, forcing the Democrats to reverse course and abolish the institution once and for all.

The new stamp, dubbed "The Trump-Stamp," to be used on all pieces of mail features a smiling Donald Trump, with the caption "GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER."

Don Lemon broke the news in a tearful address to the nation last night. "Our democracy is over," he said. "It doesn't exist anymore. I will never send another piece of mail ever again, and neither should you or else you're a racist."

Antifa and BLM responded by marching on local post offices and burning them down. Enthusiastic Trump supporters quickly bought up all the stamps. They are now selling for $3,000 apiece online.

Comment: Despite the humor- and satire-challanged gatekeepers at Twitter, the Bee lives!

SATIRE PURGE: Twitter suspends multiple conservative satire accounts including The Babylon Bee


Bacon

Wild boar who stole German nudist's clothes to be culled

A nudist gave chase after the boar stole his bag
© Social media
A nudist gave chase after the boar stole his bag
Forestry officials say the boar has lost its fear of humans and could be dangerous

A trained marksman is to be deployed to shoot a wild boar that stole the clothes of a naked German man, Berlin authorities said on Friday.

The boar made international headlines last week after photographs of the portly nudist giving chase were shared on social media.

But in a sad postscript to the incident, the local forestry department said yesterday (FRI) the boar would have to be killed as it has lost its fear of humans and presents a danger to public safety.

The boar in question emerged from the forest with two cubs last week and made its way through crowds of Berliners seeking to cool off in the Teufelsee, one of the city's many lakes.

Oscar

Mother dog jumps into floodwater to save her puppy in China

rescue
A mother dog jumped into floodwater to save her puppy in southwest China. The heartwarming clip, filmed in the city of Meishan in Sichuan Province on August 12, shows a police officer trying to stop a mother dog from diving into deep floodwater. But, she rescued her puppy who was stranded in the middle of the water and brought it back to the shore.


Butterfly

Bald eagle attacks government drone, sending it plummeting into Lake Michigan

bald eagle
A bald eagle launched an attack on a drone belonging to a Michigan Department of Environment, Great Lakes, and Energy (EGLE) pilot last month, sending the drone plummeting to the depths of Lake Michigan.

The drone was helping to map erosion along the shoreline of the lake when the eagle, which was entirely unprovoked, decided that skies weren't big enough for the two of them and decided to rip a propeller off of the Phantom 4 Advanced quadcopter, reports WLUC.

EGLE environmental quality analyst and drone pilot Hunter King had captured roughly seven minutes of footage before the satellite reception began to break up. King pressed the "Go Home" button to recall the drone and began to reacquire a stronger satellite feed when things took an unpredictable turn.

Smiley

Identity Politics: Party of the Poor and Oppressed nominates Old, Rich, White Man and Cop

joe biden kamala harris

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris
The party that claims to represent minorities, the poor, the oppressed, and the marginalized has nominated an old, rich, white man and a cop, sources confirmed Tuesday.

"If you want to fight for oppressed minority groups, you must vote for this rich, old, white man who authored the 1994 crime bill and this corrupt police officer who has made a career out of throwing minorities in jail for non-violent drug crimes," said a DNC spokesperson. "It's the only way to fight the establishment."

According to sources at the DNC, the old white guy you're supposed to vote for, in order to show that you love and respect women, has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior by several women.

"Several photos circulating on the internet demonstrate proof-positive that Joe Biden loves women and children very much," wrote Snopes, the internet's premiere fact-checkers.

Campaign analysts believe that the cop bolsters the old, rich, white man's bid to become President by bringing some much-needed group identity politics, along with her newfound stances on decriminalizing many crimes she formerly prosecuted and defunding much of the police, in a year in which being an old, white man and anti-crime is seen as a hindrance.

"Look, he has even nominated a woman of color to be his Vice President like a true champion for the poor and oppressed would," reported Brian Stelter of CNN. "Just use your eyes and see: there is only one party in this country for people who care about the downtrodden."

"Now I can go back on Charlamagne tha God's program and show him Kamala," mused Biden to some suddenly panicked staffers.

At publishing time, the DNC was airing ads in flyover country about how the cop they've nominated once called herself the "top cop" of California, threatened to arrest parents of truant students, and tried to keep prisoners in jail as long as possible in order to use them for cheap labor, while simultaneously airing ads on the coasts and big cities featuring clips from her interview in which she bragged about how much pot she smoked because she is part Jamaican.

Corona

The only way to be healthy in 2020

JP Sears
© YouTube/AwakenWithJP (screen capture)
Healthy habits like exercise, nutrition, and good sleep won't make you healthy anymore. It's 2020 and our health authorities are making sure we don't discuss those habits, because they don't work anymore. With the pandemic in 2020, this video will show you the only way to be healthy. How to be healthy during the pandemic is a mystery solved right here.


Smiley

Biden says he's excited to find out who he picked for VP

joe biden dementia

Joe Biden
According to sources in the Biden campaign, the presidential candidate is on pins and needles waiting to see who it is he picked to run for vice president on his ticket.

Campaign aides say it's been Biden's most anticipated event since he found out he was running for president a few weeks ago.

A reporter asked Biden if he could hint about his VP pick during a brief interlude from his stay in the basement, where he was allowed to come upstairs to get some snacks.

"Oh boy -- I hope it's a real classy broad," he said as he drank straight from the milk jug. "I bet I picked somebody good and smart. A chick with class and style. You know, in my day, dames were dames and guys were guys. None of this 'guys becoming dolls' and 'dolls becoming guys' stuff. We would go down to the hop and do the mashed potato. You know, there's lots of good nnnn-- nutrients and stuff in potatoes. Potato is a funny word."

"Po - ta - to."

"OK, Joe, let's go," said an aide, shoving him down into the basement. "What Joe was trying to say is that he's chosen a well-qualified candidate who will run the country -- err, I mean, help him run the country -- with excellence."

Cow

Innovative new process! Plants can be converted into meat by feeding them to cows

cow barn
Look out, Beyond Meat -- a new competitor has emerged in the market of turning vegetables into a food that tastes just like meat. But while companies like Beyond Meat use laboratories to turn vegetables into something tasty, this new process uses a much more natural method: feeding the vegetables to a cow.

The startup, which goes by the much simpler brand name of "Meat," came upon this process after using hundreds of millions of venture capital dollars to research how to turn vegetable products into something delicious that could be used as a burger. "Vegetables are ugly and horrible, and no one likes them," said Meat researcher Winston Sullivan. "We tried everything to make them edible, but nothing worked -- except maybe covering them in ranch dressing. But then we saw this creature, a cow, was eating the vegetables -- because it was so dumb and didn't know any better or something -- and somehow afterward it became filled with tasty meat. It was amazing."

Sullivan says they have no idea how the cow turns vegetables into something edible (they suspect witchcraft) but have now obtained many of these creatures so they can feed them inedible vegetables and harvest tasty, tasty meat. The results are already a hit, as restaurants like Five Guys have used the patties made from naturally processed vegetables to huge success.

Meat is now trying to see if the process can be repeated with other animals. They're currently testing their process on a chicken, though they say that, so far, the results aren't as good as from the cow unless the product is breaded and fried.

Biohazard

Fauci recommends encasing entire body in bubble wrap to protect against Coronavirus

Bubble Wrap
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus.

"Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things," Fauci said. "You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I'm just a medical doctor and can't speak to any other risk factors this may introduce."

Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation.

Comment: Now masks are not enough! Fauci claims eye protection might be required for 'perfect' Covid-proofing