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Fri, 18 Sep 2020
The World for People who Think

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Why the Lockdown Should Last Longer

Awaken with JP video
© YouTube/AwakenWithJP (screen capture)
Here's why the lockdown should never end. In the global pandemic the lockdown has been used and extended. Many think it should end. Here's why they're wrong and it should potentially never end.


US Navy SEALs to be replaced with social workers

Social Worker and Terrorist
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — The Navy SEALs are being disbanded and replaced with a new branch of the military: The United States Social Workers.

The social workers will be dropped into terrorist hideouts to talk with militants about their feelings and defuse the situation. The move was made as a push against police work and firearms continues across the nation. As people continue to call on police departments to be defunded, the next logical target was the Navy SEALs.

Arrow Down

The very talented Greta Thunberg

Besides being able to see CO2, Greta is also a virus expert.

Greta Thunberg
Greta can see CO2!


Cracker Jack changes name to more politically correct Caucasian Jack

caucasian jack cracker jack
When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive "Caucasian Jack."

"We are very sorry to all the crack---er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years," said a spokesperson. "Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics 'Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'"


Biden mans up: 'Republicans may have standards, but we have double standards!'

Joe Biden
© Reuters/Bastiaan Slabbers
US Democratic presidential candidate and former VP Joe Biden, unmasked
During a campaign speech Tuesday, Joe Biden proudly declared that while Republicans have at least some standards, Democrats are going above and beyond with their "double standards."

Biden pointed out that by having two sets of standards, Democrats are leading the race for having the most sets of standards.

"That's two times as many standards," he said proudly. "Double is a lot more than single. Anyone who's ever watched a baseball game knows that."

"Isn't that right, sweetie?" he said to a young girl in the front row of the crowd, asking her to come up and stand on the stage while he put his hands on her shoulders for the duration of the speech.

The presidential candidate then went on to slam Trump for his treatment of women, confident in the knowledge that no one in the Democratic Party would dare call him out for being a hypocritical little creep.

Not to be outdone, Trump quickly took to Twitter to announce that the Republican Party would shortly be debuting its brand new triple standards.

Che Guevara

Trump establishes manlier CHAD camp next to CHAZ camp

Trump Chad camp
In response to news that Communist pansies have taken over several city blocks of downtown Seattle and filled them with whiny little girly-men, Trump announced today he will act decisively to establish a much more "manly and way cooler" CHAD zone right across the street.

"Only true chads will be allowed in the CHAD zone," said Trump in a press conference. "CHAD will be so much more epic than CHAZ. It will really be fantastic. Everyone agrees. At least everyone who isn't a loser-face dweeb. No soy boys will be allowed to enter the kingdom of CHAD."

An army of square-jawed bros has already blocked off three blocks and begun building an impenetrable border wall to keep out the socialists. Free outdoor gyms, keto food trucks, and selfie stations have been set up all across the newly established zone for maximum epicness. Women will be allowed in the land of CHAD but only if they're "like, really hot."


Democrats clarify that black lives will only matter until November

A team of political experts released its latest prediction on the Black Lives Matter movement today, saying the group's current surge will likely only last until early November. The experts say after votes are cast in the 2020 election, politicians will no longer have a need for the black community, and everything will go back to normal.

The team of experts out of UCLA has been following Black Lives Matter since it emerged back in 2014 when an unarmed black man was killed by police in St. Louis. The popular civil rights group also made headlines in 2016 and 2018.

"We have to pander to them to see if they will matter," said Nancy Pelosi. "We stand committed to elevating black voices when we need their votes and not a moment after."

"It's a strange phenomenon," said UCLA professor Azad Khanna. "Every few years Black Lives Matter comes onto the scene for a couple of months and then just sort of disappears in November. I've never seen anything like it." Khanna paused for a moment, noticing a young white woman who had kneeled before him. The woman asked his forgiveness for her white privilege and her years of racism toward African Americans and then started kissing his feet. Khanna kindly informed her that he is from India.

Experts believe the Black Lives Matter movement will re-emerge sometime in 2022.


Protesters pull down Biden after mistaking him for old racist statue

Biden Statue
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — Enraged protesters were marching through D.C. toppling racist statues when they came upon one standing on a street corner. The archaic, racist statue looked very, very old. It even had some kind of obsolete soundbite-playing device in it, probably an early phonograph from how old the statue looked. It kept saying things about black people being clean and articulate and how poor kids are just as bright as white kids.

The rioters threw a lasso around the top of the statue after googling "How to tie a lasso" and arguing for a while about how lassos are racist. They then brought it tumbling down after graffitiing all over it.

Unfortunately, the old, racist statue turned out to be former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden.

Take 2

Fox to digitally remove John McClane from all Die Hard movies

die hard minus john mcclane
In another heroic stance against the cops, executives at Fox announced this week that the Die Hard film franchise would be getting re-edited and rereleased with the lead character officer John McClane edited out of the films.

"It's a small change that will make everyone feel a lot better," said Terry Malthus of Fox. "We don't want our films to spread any racist messages like that police are good people sometimes. We never supported the police and we feel like this new edit of the film will reflect that. Our films are created to support any social cause or modern outrage even if it's twenty or thirty years later."

All law enforcement will be removed including Al, the FBI agents with the same names, and that jerk Dwayne. "So for instance when McClane and Al are having that heartwarming discussion over their walkie talkies, in the new version the camera just cuts between two floating walkie talkies that beep now and then. It's a lot more subtle," said editor Edward Henson.


Call Of Duty bans all firearms

call of duty
Activision has banned all firearms from all current Call of Duty games, calling firearms a symbol of oppressive imperialism. Call of Duty: Warzone and Call of Duty: Mobile have also been merged into one new, rebranded product called Call of Duty: Woke Ops.

"Effective immediately, all firearms, explosives, and air support are banned from competitive play," said an Activision spokesperson. "We, the publisher of thousands of games where you mow down millions of enemy combatants, wanted to show how woke we are. So, while protests are going on across the country, you can no longer use firearms in our games."

Players will spawn without any guns and instead will run around the map hugging each other and protesting. Instead of earning kill streaks, players will now earn virtue streaks by wearing rainbow skins or fully blacked out skins to show they are woke to the current social cause. You can still, however, pick up bricks and Molotov cocktails and lob them into nearby homes and businesses.

"We, the giant corporation, really care about social issues. Now buy some DLC."

Activision is also banning class loadouts for perpetuating harmful classism.