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Sat, 18 Sep 2021
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Fauci hires expert technician Hilgo Clintmann to secure his email server

fauci emails hillary clinton
© The Babylon Bee
Ace email security advisor Hilgo Clintomann
After a batch of his emails were made public through an FOIA request, a desperate, frantic Dr. Fauci called in an expert technician to make sure no more damaging emails were made public.

The technician, renowned Beltway-area email server technician Hilgo Clintmann, arrived in his van and began to inspect Fauci's modest email server configuration.

"Oh, yes, very bad email security here sir, very, very bad," Clintmann said as he walked through the server racks and inspected the various hard drives and cables. "We're going to need to rework this whole setup. You need to be able to, how you say, disappear emails right away. We will take care of this with emergency panic buttons. Do not worry, Dr. Fauci -- we will make sure you are never embarrassed ever again."

Clintmann even told an elated Dr. Fauci that his company also specializes in finding out who leaked a particular set of emails and making sure that they "never make that mistake again." "It is a, how you say, cleaning service. You make the mess, we clean it up."

Finally, before leaving, Clintmann installed an emergency hammer behind a piece of glass reading "Break in case of federal investigation."

Star

AOC added to Iwo Jima memorial for surviving Capitol riot

aoc iwo jima
After hearing AOC's heartrending and harrowing tale of survival against all odds during the January 6th Capitol riot, Congress has approved the addition of Ocasio-Cortez's likeness in bronze to the Iwo Jima memorial.

"Congresswomen Ocasio-Cortez is an inspiration to all Americans," said Senator Mitt Romney. "Her courage and bravery deserve to be immortalized for all time alongside the heroes who stormed the beaches at Iwo Jima, knowing they were running toward certain death."

World renown sculptor Alessandro Saltaformaggio will cast the sculpture after AOC's famous "crying pose" to remind the world how sad everyone should be about the worst attack on Democracy since the Civil War

There will be a somber dedication ceremony next week, where attendees will tell various stories of AOC's heroic bravery as violin music plays in the background. AOC will then cry in front of the memorial in a white suit while people take pictures.

Smiley

Navy fighters shoot down 'hostile' UFO after it refuses to give its pronouns

ufo cartoon no pronouns
© The Babylon Bee
The UFO was determined to be a threat after refusing to comply with the demand to label itself in compliance with woke lunacy
U.S. Military leaders confirmed that they have shot down an unidentified flying object over the Pacific Ocean after the mysterious craft refused to identify itself with its preferred pronouns.

"Yes, we can confirm that one of our F-18 fighters intercepted an apparently quite transphobic alien spacecraft yesterday," said Navy Admiral Arnie Ahab. "After several unsuccessful attempts to hail the object for identifying pronouns such as "he/him" or "they/them", we were forced to blow it out of the sky."

California residents were startled by what appeared to be a massive explosion off the coast, followed by a burning object plunging into the sea.

"We are happy to say we protected Earth from an alien visitor that was obviously not advanced enough to engage in common trans-sensitive pronoun courtesy during a greeting," said Navy Secretary Thomas W. Harker in a statement. "You all are safe now."

President Biden has thanked the Navy for their great work and deployed more aircraft carriers to the Pacific in case any more transphobic extraterrestrials show up.

Smiley

Musket-Wielding Americans run Prince Harry out of the country

prince harry musket

Prince Harry legs it for his limousine
After Prince Harry called the First Amendment "bonkers," Americans did what Americans do best, and chased the royal Englishman out of the country while wielding muskets.

"Back to your side of The Pond, British scum!" cried a mob of angry Americans as they loaded their muskets. "We won a war so we wouldn't have to care about your opinions on our freedoms! Now, you best start swimmin' back across the Atlantic if you don't want to catch a lead ball in yer trousers, ya hear?"

"If you don't like the First Amendment, you'll hate the Second Amendment!" The simple farmers with pitchforks and muskets banged on Harry's windows and shouted "USA! USA!" along with "No taxation without representation!"

Prince Harry frantically ran to his limousine, where his driver was waiting, but the Americans gave pursuit on horseback, chasing the English prince across the country until he finally escaped in his speed yacht.

Their anger unappeased, the crazed mob left to run other British people out of the country. They say they will first be targeting Andrew Garfield, since he's "probably British" and also for his complicity in The Amazing Spider-Man.

Smiley

Existing, and 6 other things you didn't know were microaggressions

lesser-known microagressions
Yes, it's 2021, and we're still talking about microaggressions. You know why? Because there is always room to DO BETTER. We want to improve, and we know you do too. Here are some things you may not have known are microaggressions:

Punching someone with a very tiny fist: Punching someone is typically seen as a "macroaggression," but when done with a tiny little fist, it becomes a microaggression. Always be aware of this if you have very tiny hands. Unless you're punching a Nazi. Then it's OK.

Setting fire to someone's business with them inside: Admit it-- we've all done this at one time or another! Sometimes when we get caught up in the heat of the moment while protesting injustice, we toss a Molotov cocktail through a window. Did you know that can be seen as a microaggression if the owner is a person of color? Just something to be aware of.

Beaker

'They won't make fun of me ever again,' says Dr. Fauci while designing new virus in his lab

dr. fauci
According to anonymous sources, Dr. Anthony Fauci stayed up late in his North Carolina research lab last night, designing a brand new virus even deadlier than COVID-19.

Recent polls suggest public opinion may be turning against Fauci as he continues to press for arbitrary mask-wearing and after Rand Paul linked him to dangerous bat virus research in Wuhan.

"This will teach them to laugh at me," said Fauci through gritted teeth as he looked at his latest abomination through the microscope. "I'll show them! They'll see! Behold my terrible creation! Behold my chimera! EARTH IS DOOMED! MUA HAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Researchers in Chapel Hill and Wuhan have confirmed that Fauci is indeed working on something even "bigger and badder" than anything that came before it. This new SARS-related coronavirus will infect human airway cells, turning the victims into giant mutated zombies that will chase down their victims and spray virus everywhere.

"Let's see you try going without a mask now! HAHAHAHAHA!" cried Fauci as he completed his creation.

Senator Rand Paul has called for an inquiry into Fauci's work at the lab, which critics say is just because he's jealous of Dr. Fauci's brilliance.

Arrow Down

New study says we all must wear mask to prevent global warming

Prevent Global Warming
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — A new study from very credible scientists has revealed that science wants everyone to continue to wear masks for the foreseeable future. This is due to brand new evidence from real science that masks actually prevent global warming.

"The best thing we can do to slow the spread of climate change and sea-level rise is to wear a mask," said Dr. Antonio Grouci, the newly appointed head of the EPA. "You breathe out deadly CO2 all day and that makes the planet sad. If there's a chance masks could catch even one CO2 particle and prevent it from entering the atmosphere, we must take that precaution."

Pumpkin 2

Gas station memes Hunter Biden mockery on sign: 'Hope gas prices don't get too high'

hunter biden gas station meme
© @ThatF_ckerYote/Twitter
Tennessee gas station is making headlines for slamming Joe Biden over soaring gas prices by broadcasting a giant Hunter Biden meme on its sign.

The Lewis Country Store in Nashville flashed a series of memes on its sign, such as Fox News host Tucker Carlson laughing and an empty gas gauge with the Biden/Harris logo.

"Hope gas prices don't get too high," one side of the meme reads, with the other side showing an infamous photo of Hunter posing in his bathtub captioned, "gas prices."

Smiley

Biden outed as robotic human suit piloted by tiny Jimmy Carter

biden robot controlled jimmy carter
© The Babylon Bee
In a shocking technology malfunction during a recent appearance, President Biden was revealed to be a robotic human suit driven by former president Jimmy Carter.

"Listen, folks, gas lines aren't that ba--" said President Biden as he began to twitch. "If you, if you're, I, I, I... uh... what was I saying?"

There was then a series of beeping noises as Biden's face opened up, revealing former president Carter -- who could easily fit inside Biden's head due to his minuscule size -- sitting behind the controls.

Carter waved sheepishly at the shocked reporters. "Oops, wrong button. I'm sorry everyone! While I have you, Israel is an apartheid state and the next 4 years will probably be worse than the last 4 years...uh... forget you saw me, ok?"

Carter then pressed a button on his control panel and Biden's face closed and clicked shut.

"S-s-sorry about that folks," said Biden. What did I miss?"

Jen Psaki then swore the press pool to secrecy and gave them chocolate chip cookies.

Mr. Potato

Rachel Maddow: I will have to "rewire" my brain to not view maskless as a "threat"

rachel maddow

Rachel Maddow
MSNBC host Rachel Maddow reacted to the CDC's announcement on face coverings by saying she would have to "rewire" her brain in order to not perceive those who don't wear masks as a "threat."

The CDC said yesterday that those who had been vaccinated could remove their masks in indoor settings (aside from a bunch of exemptions, including airports, public transport, hospitals and care homes).

This prompted Maddow's brain to short circuit as she expressed the difficulty she would have in dispensing with the idea of treating those who don't wear masks as dangerous lepers.

"I'm going to have to rewire my self so that when I see somebody out in the world who's not wearing a mask, I don't instantly think 'you are a threat' or you are selfish or you are a COVID denier and you definitely haven't been vaccinated," said Maddow.