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Mon, 26 Sep 2022
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Widow with no children living at home urged to downsize from 240 bedroom house

Buckingham palace
© Waterford Whispers News
AMID a housing shortage in the UK, one widow has been urged by her local council to consider downsizing as part of a wider effort to free up houses for young families, WWN has learned.

Elizabeth Windsor, one of the worst land horders in all of the UK is understood to be living alone in the 775 room, 240 bedroom building which if sold could go some way to easing the accommodation woes of many Londoners.

A letter seen by WWN addressed to Miss Windsor implores her to vacate her 240 bedroom mansion and consider a nice duplex in a retirement community outside Brighton among other options.

"It is incumbent of the council to point out that no 96-year-old needs that much fucking room. While we understand your claims that your children are like leeches and would be lost without you, selling the property and downsizing could also provide them with a small windfall," read one of the nicer sections of the letter.

Magic Hat

Is CERN causing collective mass delusion by creating portals to alternate dimensions? an investigation

train
© RONALD PATRICK/GETTY IMAGES
Cynthia Sue Larson has been on the lookout since July 5, when CERN turned the world's most powerful particle collider back on for a third time. Larson is looking for "reality shifts and Mandela Effects," or evidence of multiple universes, timelines, rips in the space-time continuum, or other evidence that reality as we know it has been distorted by the Large Hadron Collider.

"I've been paying attention to see whether reports of Mandela Effects might increase, now that CERN's Large Hadron Collider fired back up again," Larson, the author of Reality Shifts and Quantum Jumps, told Motherboard. "So far I've not yet noticed large-scale reports of new Mandela Effects in the past day or so, though it does seem there is a large and growing interest in the Mandela Effect."

CERN has noticed.

Smiley

Kamala Harris speechwriter leaves administration for new writing gig on Sesame Street

kamala harris sesame street
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job. Sabrina Singh, Harris' current deputy press secretary and main speechwriter, has been poached by Sesame Street to write speeches for them instead.

"I'm at a point in my career where I need to grow and be challenged and that's not going to happen here with Vice President Harris. I want to move into the big leagues and start writing for legends like Big Bird, and Bert and Ernie," said Singh. "With Sesame Street, I'll be writing more intricately crafted speeches for an audience that simply won't tolerate rambling, incoherent gibberish."

"We've had our eye on Kamala's speech writer for some time," said a Sesame Street spokesperson. "The way she effortlessly puts together a speech that's obviously intended for children, using small, simple words and overused repetition — we knew we had our new Elmo writer. Frankly, we didn't even know it was possible to make our puppets say 'work together' that many times in one paragraph."

According to sources, Kamala has responded to the situation by laughing nervously in a corner for hours on end. Top Democrats fear that Kamala may now try to write her own speeches.

At publishing time, the Biden Administration hoped to hire the writing team from Dora the Explorer to write speeches for Kamala, but they rejected the offer following Dr. Jill Biden's comments calling Dora a breakfast taco.

Megaphone

We demand that NASA rename its homophobic James Webb Space Telescope. Now!!!!!

James Webb Space Telescope
© BIGSTOCK
James Webb Space Telescope looking at galaxies.
We have all been dazzled by the first images coming to us from the James Webb Space Telescope, whose deep infrared eyes are lighting up obscure corners of the universe in breathtaking colour and clarity.

But it's time to stop being dazzled and to start being offended.

James Webb may have served in the US Marine Corps, held a senior role at the State Department, and been appointed by President John F. Kennedy as Administrator of NASA during the heyday of the space race. What really matters, however, is that Webb lived in the homophobic 1950s and may even have been homophobic himself.

Rumours of Communist infiltration of the American government during that era made the US fearful that homosexual employees could be blackmailed by the Soviets on the basis of their taboo lifestyle. This was known as the "Lavender Scare", and it led to the sacking of gay members of the civil service.

Comment: Yes, yes it is. And by that token, so are computers. We must cancel them too.


NPC

A Quick Burn - Barrier Breaking

Barrier breaking people.


Comment: Very Monty Pythonesque.


Eye 1

Woke employees shut down 'queer-owned' business for being insufficiently woke

Kate Egghart Sonam Parikh
A cafe in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, permanently closed its doors after the employees protested the restaurant was perpetrating "anti-blackness, ableism" and "hostility," according to social media posts from the cafe and its employees.

Mina's World, known as Philadelphia's first cafe for queer and trans people of color, closed and was listed for sale due to a lack of funds, an Instagram post showed. The announcement comes after employees of Mina's World revolted against ownership, calling themselves victims of "systemic employer oppression" and "anti-blackness" from the owners Kate Egghart and Sonam Parikh in an Instagram post on June 14.

The employees listed demands including "public acknowledgment and accountability for grievances and harm caused" in an Instagram post. Once the cafe was posted for sale by Egghart's mother, the employees' Instagram account called the listing "violence" and began a GoFundMe to raise funds to buy the building.

Smiley

Disaster in Saudi Arabia as Biden keeps asking to meet Jafar

Brandon in Saudi Arabia
© Babylon Bee
SAUDI ARABIA — President Biden's trip to Saudi Arabia got off to a rocky start, as Biden repeatedly asked the Crown Prince if he could meet Jafar.

"So are you really, really sure you're not Jafar?" asked President Biden as he sat down with Mohammed bin Salman. "Well, maybe you can rub your magic lamp for me and then tell the genie my wish is to see Jafar! Wait, you don't even have a magic lamp? What kind of joke is this?! Come on, man!"

People 2

I'm not entirely sure what being a woman feels like, but I'm pretty sure that's how I feel.

women
So, I'm down with the Apocalyptic Plague, so not exactly at my best, but I wanted to get this newsletter out anyway, because people are unsubscribing from my Substack and complaining that I don't put out "enough content."

Also, I've got some pretty big news. I've decided to identify as a woman. Or, rather, I have realized that I am a woman, or that I feel like someone who feels like a woman.

I'm not entirely sure what being a woman feels like, but I'm pretty sure that's how I feel. So I wanted to make a big public statement letting everyone know my feelings, and how I identify, and my pronouns, and so on, as that seems to be what one does these days.

I'm a little confused about the pronoun thing, because I don't just feel like I feel like a woman. I feel like I probably feel like a woman who feels like a non-binary or gender-fluid person who identifies as a genderqueer woman (or as a pangender or agender or neutrois person) who until recently had been a cisgender man, so I'm not sure which pronouns I'm allowed to use without calling down the wrath of the trans community, the corporate media, Hollywood, academia, the judicial branches of various Western governments, and the global pharmaceutical and healthcare industry.

Smiley

Polls indicate more breakfast tacos are leaning Republican

hispanic voter
According to recent polling data, the Americans described by Jill Biden as "breakfast tacos" are inexplicably switching to the Republican Party in record numbers.

"We aren't sure why the Latinx, who are as special and unique as a breakfast taco — or maybe a toasted cheddar chalupa — are leaving the Democrats," said Dr. Jill Biden while performing routine spinal surgery on one of her patients. "Don't they know how much we Democrats care about their vote? Perhaps we need more abortions and drag queen story hours."

Local breakfast taco Carlos Hernandez isn't convinced. "You know, I'm just not sure the Democrats really care about me," he said as he entered church on Sunday with his family.

Another local breakfast taco, Valentina Gonzalez, agrees. "I'm just not sure Democrat values are my values," she said as she fired her favorite AR-15 at the local gun range. "Am I allowed to say that?"

At publishing time, several breakfast egg rolls were beginning to think the same thing.

Smiley

Ron DeSantis runs ad in California asking Libs not to move to Florida

satire desantis libs don't move florida
© The Babylon Bee
Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom's political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California. While Newsom's ads were urging libs to move to California, Desantis is begging the libs in California to stay put.

"Listen, folks, it's simple really — in Florida, we believe in clean sidewalks, and shrinking the homeless problem — NOT growing it!" said Governor Ron DeSantis in his California statewide ad. "So to all the woke libs out there let me be clear: do not come to Florida. Stay in California and indoctrinate your own kids — that is if you actually have kids you haven't aborted." Viewers are then treated to a shot of DeSantis wrestling an alligator.

"Here in Florida, we do not want more crime, or taxes, or a racist school curriculum. We want citizens that are BASED and red-pilled," continued DeSantis's ad. "Still thinking Florida is right for you, Cali libs? Well, just remember that we have American flags all over our state, we LOVE guns — and most importantly — President Trump lives here permanently." The commercial ends with a shot of DeSantis and Trump throwing commies out of helicopters.

Upon watching these ads, millions of Californians fainted on the spot. According to sources, they were so triggered by the alarming levels of patriotism that their California brains couldn't handle it.

At publishing time, many of the libs who saw the ads are now trying to sue Ron DeSantis for emotional damage and trauma. Ron DeSantis has responded with plans to run the same ads on CNN and MSNBC.