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Mon, 19 Oct 2020
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Take 2

Fox to digitally remove John McClane from all Die Hard movies

die hard minus john mcclane
In another heroic stance against the cops, executives at Fox announced this week that the Die Hard film franchise would be getting re-edited and rereleased with the lead character officer John McClane edited out of the films.

"It's a small change that will make everyone feel a lot better," said Terry Malthus of Fox. "We don't want our films to spread any racist messages like that police are good people sometimes. We never supported the police and we feel like this new edit of the film will reflect that. Our films are created to support any social cause or modern outrage even if it's twenty or thirty years later."

All law enforcement will be removed including Al, the FBI agents with the same names, and that jerk Dwayne. "So for instance when McClane and Al are having that heartwarming discussion over their walkie talkies, in the new version the camera just cuts between two floating walkie talkies that beep now and then. It's a lot more subtle," said editor Edward Henson.


Call Of Duty bans all firearms

call of duty
Activision has banned all firearms from all current Call of Duty games, calling firearms a symbol of oppressive imperialism. Call of Duty: Warzone and Call of Duty: Mobile have also been merged into one new, rebranded product called Call of Duty: Woke Ops.

"Effective immediately, all firearms, explosives, and air support are banned from competitive play," said an Activision spokesperson. "We, the publisher of thousands of games where you mow down millions of enemy combatants, wanted to show how woke we are. So, while protests are going on across the country, you can no longer use firearms in our games."

Players will spawn without any guns and instead will run around the map hugging each other and protesting. Instead of earning kill streaks, players will now earn virtue streaks by wearing rainbow skins or fully blacked out skins to show they are woke to the current social cause. You can still, however, pick up bricks and Molotov cocktails and lob them into nearby homes and businesses.

"We, the giant corporation, really care about social issues. Now buy some DLC."

Activision is also banning class loadouts for perpetuating harmful classism.

Mr. Potato

Lego announces new Riot City set with all police replaced by Antifa rioters

Lego Riot Set Babylon Bee
The world is hurting right now, and everyone knows that the only thing that can heal the wound is big corporations announcing their positions on things.

Well, we've taken a big step toward unity today as LEGO announced all building sets in the future would remove the police and replace them with rioters from groups such as Antifa. The new "LEGO Riot City" line of building bricks brings a real, police-less LEGO utopia right to your tabletop.

The new playsets are completely police-free, showing us what peace and harmony could break out in our own world without law enforcement officers. The interactive buildings feature windows you can really break with a well-placed LEGO brick and tiny, cute Molotov cocktails your minifigs can toss to set the town aflame.

Comment: While the above is satire, the corporate world has cynically found another marketing gold mine: The businesses who are plugging their woke cred by supporting the Antifa and BLM riots


Churchill statue upright status at risk

Churchill Statue
© Babylon Bee
MOMENTARILY leaving its plinth in Westminster's Parliament Square, a panicked Winston Churchill statue entered an internet cafe to remove references to all troubling aspects of Churchill's political life, including his role in the Bengal Famine of 1943 in an attempt to keep the statue standing a little longer.

Famous for his pivotal role in defeating Nazism, Churchill is absolutely not famous in Britain for ignoring continued warnings that use of Indian resources for the war effort and continuing to export rice elsewhere in the empire would result in famine. Nor is he famous for blaming the famine, which resulted in 3 million deaths, on Indians 'breeding like rabbits' and labeling it non-existent as 'Gandhi is still alive'.

"Delete, delete, delete, Jesus Christ, delete," the statue muttered as it gained editorial access to Wikipedia's entry on Churchill, whose factual 'controversies' and 'accusations of racism' section were putting the statue's ongoing upright status at risk.


Celebrities show solidarity with protesters by burning their own homes to the ground

house on fire
According to sources, Hollywood celebrities have courageously united under an inspiring new movement to show respect for black lives. Entitled the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, celebrities such as Alyssa Milano, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend have volunteered to relinquish their power and privilege by burning their houses and everything they have to the ground.

The organizer of this movement released the following statement on Twitter: "Your homes, your riches, and your toys are built on a foundation of white supremacy. They are forever tainted by racism. Your walls and security systems have shut out the voices of the oppressed. Join us. Stand with us. #BurnYourHouseDown!"

As the provocative hashtag began trending on Twitter, rich celebrities lept into action. Alyssa Milano employed her house servants to light torches and throw them through her broken windows. Jimmy Kimmel hired Instagram models to jump on trampolines while throwing Molotov cocktails into his front door.


Clever church congregation avoids arrest by disguising themselves as rioters

satire church members disguise rioters
© The Bablyon Bee
Religious people in Southern California have found a bold, creative solution for in-person meetings in spite of the continuing lockdown. This past weekend, several area churches attended church services disguised as righteously indignant rioters.

"We already have the righteous indignation thing down," said one church elder. "Now, we've simply added black balaclavas, hoodies, Guy Fawkes masks, and baseball bats! We found that when we do this, we can meet in large groups without much interference from the local authorities. It's been a delightful experience."

Leaders from Spirit-River In The City Church in LA County are reporting a successful Sunday service after using this method. Churchgoers were given bricks and fake Molotov cocktails before they surrounded the church with menacing looks on their faces. Several deacons then smashed some church windows to make the riot look more realistic. Unfortunately, onlookers grew suspicious when the massive group of rioters broke out into a round of the smash-hit worship song "Reckless Life Engulfment." Some of the attendees were forced to stage brawls in order to keep up appearances.

According to sources, some churchgoers in the area are planning to continue wearing masks to church even after the lockdown has ended in order to hide their identities from Hollywood directors and producers.


WHO scientists confirm coronavirus only spreads at conservative protests

who scientists
GENEVA — W.H.O. scientists have confirmed that the coronavirus only spreads at problematic protests, like conservative rallies, Trump campaign events, and Second Amendment rights demonstrations. The study found that the coronavirus will not spread at progressive protests or violent riots.

The W.H.O. study showed that only Republicans, 2nd Amendment demonstrators, and Trump supporters can spread dangerous viruses when they break lockdown to assemble and protest, not any other kind of protesters.

"You only want people to die if you go protest for conservative causes -- otherwise, you're safe," said a W.H.O. scientist as he mixed two differently colored liquids together. They exploded and his hair went straight back, burning his face. "AHHHHH!!!"

Unfortunately, the scientist was later discovered to be a bunch of raccoons in a lab coat, so the results of the study may be suspect.


Jonathan Pie: The tale of Dominic Cummings

Dominic Cummings cartoon
© Ben Jennings/The Guardian
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie is let out of lockdown to do a report about the Dominic Cummings debacle.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: The unaccountable elite: Bojo backs senior advisor who broke lockdown rules


Biden cuts hole in mask: 'Easier to sniff people's hair'

biden mask hole hair humor satire
© The Babylon Bee
Joe Biden has committed to wearing a mask in public to be a good example and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Aides were disappointed and a little frightened, however, when Biden immediately cut a large hole in the middle of the mask so he could continue to invade people's personal space and sniff their hair, necks, and faces.

Staffers usually don't let Biden play with sharp objects, but he managed to find some safety scissors stashed behind the Metamucil in his campaign bus. Using the purple plastic scissors, he cut a large hole and then fitted the mask to his face, confident that he was protecting himself and others from the virus.

"That's better," he said as he cut a big hole for his schnoz. "Now I'm protecting against infection and I'm still able to give the ladies a good sniff. You know, in my day, I wore a mask just like this, as was the fashion at the time. All the kids at the pool would ask to play with the mask, and they'd run their fingers through it. In fact, one time, a gangster named CornPop was about to go cause some trouble at the sock hop, and I put some rocks in my mask and started swinging it around like a sling. You know, real Daniel and Goliath type stuff. He looked at me, tears in his eyes, and promised never again to go out and cause a ruckus."

"Anyway, that's why I'm your best choice for senator of the Roman Empire. Vote for Joe!" Biden suddenly came to and realized he was standing in a Walmart parking lot talking to a hobo.


Is that you, Joe? Biden's mask-sunglasses combo covers entire face at first public appearance in over 2 months

joe biden
© Reuters / Carlos Barria
Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden sported a face-obscuring combination of black mask and black sunglasses during a Memorial Day wreath-laying ceremony, triggering an avalanche of memes and derision from the Trump camp.

The former vice president ventured outside his home for the first time in more than two months to lay a wreath at Veterans Memorial Park in New Castle, Delaware, on Monday. Along with his wife and a Secret Service detail, Biden wore a black face mask, the color presumably symbolizing mourning. Coupled with his trademark black aviator sunglasses, however, the get-up left little of his face visible.

Trump supporters seized on the rare appearance by the candidate, who has only been seen by video link from his basement studio since March 15, amid what would normally be peak campaign season. The contrast between the president, who has infamously refused to wear a mask while conducting business largely as usual (minus the large public rallies he was holding before the coronavirus hit), and the mask-encased Biden was too much for some.