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Fri, 16 Apr 2021
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Biden passes alzheimer's test with flying colors, silencing doubters

biden clock drawing
In a surprise move, President Biden live-streamed himself taking a cognitive test with a White House physician today in order to silence speculation that he is suffering from any type of degenerative neurological disease.

During the test the president was asked to remember a series of words and then repeat them sequentially some minutes later, then to accurately hand-draw the face of a clock. Biden completed these tasks quickly and without difficulty, then held an immediate press conference.

"Sorry to drag you all out here after eight PM, but I wanted everyone to see that my cognitive functioning remains at peak levels even well after the sun goes down," the president told reporters after the test. "I don't know how all these conspiracy theorists imagined the country could go on functioning if its leader had Alzheimer's disease, but I'm just glad to shut 'em up once and for all."

Jill Biden, who also attended the press conference, took the opportunity reiterate that this proves once and for all that she was not participating in elder abuse by pushing a dementia patient to pose as a powerful statesman.

Doberman

In push for diversity, military canine units to give equal opportunities to chihuahuas

military chihuahua
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has directed all branches of the military to step up diversity efforts when it comes to working dogs in canine units. For the first time, the military-- which has always favored German Shepherds in the past-- will admit other breeds such as Chihuahuas and Pomeranians.

"We've always had this narrow-minded view that the German Shepherd is the best dog for chasing down dangerous terrorists and sniffing out improvised explosive devices," said Austin. "But why not Chihuahuas? Why not poodles? Bringing in more dog breeds will increase our diversity-- which is the greatest strength any military can have."

So far, there have been no Chihuahuas capable of taking down a 250-pound man by the arm, so the military has elected to eliminate that test altogether.

Smiley

Controversial Georgia law requires poll workers to check voters for a pulse - Stacy Abrams to organize protests over 'discrimination against the deceased'

poll workers voter pulse satire
© The Babylon Bee
Poll workers will receive special training from local EMT
Republican Governor Brian Kemp has signed into law sweeping overhauls to Georgia's election law, including a provision requiring poll workers to check for a pulse before allowing voters to cast a ballot.

Voting rights advocates decried the controversial bill crafted by the Peach State's Republicans as an act intended to suppress turnout of the state's many dead Democratic voters, thereby ensuring Republican victories for local, state, and federal races.

"This is just unconscionable and based entirely on lies from the Trump 2020 campaign that somehow voters with a pulse are more valid," read a joint statement from Georgia-based corporations. "No-pulse voters have always had a say in how their state is run and we think that shouldn't be changed just to help Republicans win every time. We are considering a boycott until this injustice is corrected."

"This is discrimination of the highest order," declared Stacey Abrams from the Office of Rightful Governor Of Georgia. "This is disenfranchisement. It's Jim Crow 2.0. A heartbeat has never been the definition of a registered voter. This bill is voter suppression. We need to count every vote. It's just that plain and simple."

Governor Kemp defended the bill when peppered with questions by the national corporate press that suddenly cared about Georgia by stating, "What? They're dead. Dead people don't get a vote!"

At publishing time, voting rights advocates released another statement reminding the nation that democracy dies in darkness.

Attention

Deja vu? 'Evergreen' truсk paralyses car traffic in China

Evergreen truck
© REUTERS / AMR ABDALLAH DALSH
The notorious 400-meter container ship Ever Given ran aground last Tuesday and completely blocked traffic in the Suez Canal. The absurd situation, which amused netizens throughout the world, dealt a major blow to world trade as almost a third of all container traffic in the world is carried out through the canal.

Photos posted on Saturday on China's Weibo social media platform depict a crashed truck on the Changchun-Shenzhen highway that has paralysed car traffic, stopped perpendicular to the roadway.

Similarly, on 23 March, a huge transport vessel owned by the Japanese company Shoei Kisen KK and leased from the Taiwanese transport company Evergreen Marine got stuck in the Suez Canal. Emergency services managed to re-float the ship on 29 March, but it's unknown yet when canal traffic will resume.

Smiley

Service stations installing wider signs in preparation for Biden's higher gas prices

satire gas stations bigger signs wider
© The Babylon Bee
Service stations across the country have begun widening their signs in preparation for higher gas prices, sources confirmed Thursday.

The wider signs allow for prices up to eight digits long, "an absolute necessity" for the Biden presidency, according to local fuel station franchise owners.

"We're gonna need a bigger sign," gas station owner Amir Wallenfeld said in an interview with a local news station in Los Angeles. "This should get us through the first few years of the Biden presidency, though we're looking for a bigger one should he be reelected in 2024, should he live that long."

"There, that oughtta do it," he said as he updated the price of regular gasoline to $82.89. "Oh, wait, no -- sorry, just got an alert on my phone." He then climbed up and added a "1" to the front of the price. "It's a good thing we thought ahead!"

Sources have also confirmed that the national debt clock will be widened to prepare for Biden's coming spending policies.

Smiley

'Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?' Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump

Biden press conference satire

CNN's new ace reporter Ronald Crump
At Biden's first press conference today, most of the questions were thoughtful and pointed, with reporters asking things like "Why are you so amazing?" and "We demand you tell us your secret to being so incredible!"

But one reporter went further than the others. The reporter, a new CNN recruit, Ronald Crump, jumped up and asked, "Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?"

"Hey, come on, Jack!" Biden replied. "That's just uncalled for."

"What's uncalled for is how much of a sad, pathetic, no-good failure you are!" Crump replied, twirling his mustache.

"Come on up here, pal, and we'll have a good ol' round of fisticuffs to settle this once and for all!" Biden replied as Secret Service held him back. Finally, a shepherd's crook came from offstage and yoinked him out of there before a fight occurred.

"See? This guy can't even answer a simple question. Sad!" Crump replied.

At publishing time, Crump had calmly climbed up the stage and began answering questions for the next three hours, claiming it was "out of habit" from an old job he used to have.

Dollars

15-year-old boys' soccer team demands equal pay for beating US women's team

women's soccer
Dozens of 15-year-old boys' soccer teams across the country have demanded equal pay to the women's national team, since they are competitive with the women and even beat them from time to time.

"It's only fair," said high-schooler Aiden Benton. "This is a clear case of sexism and age discrimination, that I get paid nothing to play and the women get a decent little paycheck."

"End pay discrimination now!" he added, clapping on each word for emphasis.

"The boy makes a really good point," said CNN reporter Holly Bandersnatch. "He clapped on each word, plus, he claimed sexism. It is only fair that the boys' team get paid the same as the world champions' women's team. You just can't argue with hand claps."

At publishing time, the women had made the counterargument that the 15-year-old boys' teams are smelly boys and should be stuffed in a locker somewhere.

Megaphone

Instead of traditional warfare, Chinese military will now be trained to shout wrong pronouns at American troops

chinese american soldiers
The Chinese military has announced that they will no longer be investing in weapons, tanks, aircraft, or traditional warfare training techniques. Instead, the People's Liberation Army will simply be trained to shout the wrong pronouns at U.S. soldiers, who will collapse and shake uncontrollably at the advanced maneuver.

"Brave soldiers of the People's Liberation Army, prepare to launch a pronoun assault!" cried one platoon leader in a training exercise. "Go!"

The Chinese soldiers then began shouting "He/Him!" and "She/her!" at American soldiers, whom Biden had loaned to the Chinese government for the practice session. They immediately collapsed to the floor. "No!!! I'm a xe/xer; it says so right on my dog tags!" cried one weeping American soldier huddled in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. "You can't call me the wrong pronoun -- it's literally violence! It's against the Geneva Convention!"

Smiley

Putin challenges Biden to stair-climbing contest

putin biden stair climbing contest
Vladimir Putin has challenged Joe Biden to a contest of wits, strength, and cunning: a stair-ascending contest. The winner of the contest will gain control of the other country.

"Stair-ascending contest, me and you, right now, let's go," said Putin as he met with the American president. "He who wins become supreme glorious leader forever of other puny weak man." Biden agreed to the contest, though it wasn't clear he knew who this man was or where they were.

"3... 2... 1... climb!" shouted the referee before firing off a pistol. Biden got off to a rocky start as he was startled by the gunshot and scurried off in the wrong direction. Putin, meanwhile, just walked up the stairs. Biden started gaining on him as his handlers corralled him and pointed him in the right direction, but he kept falling over and tumbling down the stairs.

Comment: The US should be so lucky!


Smiley

World first as Scottish politician misleads parliament

Nicola Sturgeon
© Scotsman
THE revelation that Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon may have given an 'inaccurate account' of her meeting with her predecessor Alex Salmond, which, if proven, will be the first known instance of a politician bending the truth in the history of world politics.

The revelations came to light after a tireless campaign by the Tory party to place pressure on Sturgeon to step down, following her apparent mistruths about her knowledge of sexual abuse allegations against Mr. Salmond - itself another first in the world of politics.

"I am shocked and dismayed at such a concept," said British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who has taken the rest of the day off to process the magnitude of what might happen to politics if ministers were to begin bending the truth.