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Wed, 21 Oct 2020
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Trump adds 'Black Lives Matter' sticker to SUV so media can't claim he's spreading COVID

trump black lives matter sticker
In what's being hailed as a 14-dimensional Go move, President Trump added a Black Lives Matter decal to his SUV so he can take as many trips outside the hospital as he wants, and the media won't be able to claim he's spreading COVID.

"Checkmate," Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. "This is fantastic. Now, if I want to go grab a milkshake from the McDonald's drive-thru -- bam, Black Lives Matter sticker. Can't touch me. Can't criticize me. It's beautiful. Tremendous, really."

With his newfound freedom, Trump instructed his motorcade to drive around the city. The president waved at supporters -- referred to as "peaceful protesters" -- and stopped at the drive-in to catch Tenet. He even shared a bucket of popcorn with Secret Service agents, and not a single reporter was able to claim he was spreading the virus, thanks to his handy decal.

Smiley

Snopes rating: The devil's lies 'mostly true'

snopes devil lies jesus
© The Babylon Bee
As the only unbiased arbiter of truth in a world of fake news, Snopes continues to expand its selfless mission to fact-check all the things everywhere. Whether they're calling out a popular satire site for being conspicuously hilarious or explaining how blatant lies point to deeper truths, you can count on Snopes to probe the darkest depths, like a colonoscope of accuracy.

As it turns out, not even Satan himself is safe from a Snopes fact-check. In a recent post, Snopes analyzed several statements made by the Prince of Darkness, utilizing their tried-and-true, highly methodical, investigative techniques to determine how his words lined up with their feelings.

In one example, Satan claimed that eating a particular fruit would not cause anyone to die, but would instead grant them an improved understanding of moral issues. According to Snopes' assessment, while consuming the fruit has been followed by billions and billions of deaths, those casualties were more of an indirect result, while the part about gaining knowledge of good and evil was generally accurate. They also checked all the lies Satan told Jesus while He was being tempted in the desert and pointed out that he did quote Scripture, albeit out of context, earning the Prince of Darkness another "Mostly True" rating.

In the article, Snopes explains that while the Devil has clearly made some factually inaccurate statements over the years, they observed that he tended to "mix a lot of truth with a little bit of lie," thus earning the "Mostly True" label.

People 2

Womxn and non-womxn: By changing the way that people speak, we will be able to fix all the bad thoughts that exist inside people's head

titania mcgrath
A great philosopher once observed that the destruction of words is a beautiful thing. I can't remember her name, but I'm pretty sure she must have been a social justice activist of the most pioneering kind.

I was thrilled to see that TED — the company that runs all those online lectures — has decided henceforth to use "womxn" rather than the outdated word "women". This is because "women" excludes non-cisgender people. And because transwomen are women, it's essential that they have a different word to show that they are exactly the same.

Any words that uphold cisgender or patriarchal privilege are a form of hate speech. So instead of "boys" you should say "ungirls", instead of "vagina" you should say "front hole", and instead of "semen" you should say "hate syrup".

Attention

Coronavirus panics after testing positive for Trump

trump coronavirus
Coronavirus has begun panicking after testing positive for Trump.

The test came back late Thursday evening, and doctors confirmed the worst: the coronavirus has contracted Trump-45.

"Oh no! We're doomed!" cried tiny little coronaviruses, frantically looking for a way to escape Trump's body. But Trump held his breath and plugged his nose and ears, sealing off escape hatch after escape hatch, preventing the viruses from leaving his body. Superpowered Trump antibodies, shaped like little Ys with orange hair, charged in, sealing the coronavirus's fate.

"Game over, man, game over! They're coming out of the blood vessel walls -- they're coming out of the goshdarn walls!" the coronaviruses screamed as they made their desperate last stand.

Coronavirus was also concerned it might be called a Nazi and doxxed for its association with Donald Trump. These fears appeared to be justified, as CNN immediately began digging up coronavirus's old tweets.

Map

Parrots in wildlife park moved after swearing at visitors

african grey parrot jade
Five parrots have been removed from public view at a British wildlife park after they started swearing at customers.

The foul-mouthed birds were split up after they launched a number of different expletives at visitors and staff just days after being donated to Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England.

"It just went ballistic, they were all swearing," the venue's chief executive Steve Nichols told CNN Travel on Tuesday. "We were a little concerned about the children."

"I get called a fat t**t every time I walk past," Nichols complained.

The African grey parrots -- named Eric, Jade, Elsie, Tyson and Billy -- were given to the park from five different owners within the same week, and shared a quarantining facility together before being placed on display.

But staff immediately noticed that the birds shared a propensity to fly off the handle.

Smiley

Debate disaster: Trump refuses to denounce Team Rocket

trump team rocket
© The Babylon Bee
Trump got himself in some hot water during the debate earlier this week, refusing to denounce the evil actions of Team Rocket despite repeated pestering by Chris Wallace.
"Mr. President, will you or will you not condemn Jessie and James' blatant attempts to steal Ash's Pikachu?" Chris Wallace insisted.

"Who?" Trump asked. "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a new nickname for Sleepy Joe. What was the question?"

"Right here. Right now. You have the opportunity to denounce Team Rocket, so there will be no question on where you stand," Chris Wallace pressed.

"Sure. Yes, absolutely. Wait... that's the little weasel who steals Dora's stuff?" asked a flustered Trump.

"No, Mr. President. That's Swiper."

"Oh. Well, rockets are good, I like rockets. I started Space Force."

"No, Team Rocket. The dastardly villains, you know, who attempt to denounce the evils of truth and love and extend their reach to the stars above."

"Well, all I can say to them, is stand back and stand by. Let Officer Jenny handle things."
officer Jenny pokemon

Officer Jenny
Analysts immediately slammed Trump for his comments, pointing out that he has never once denounced the dastardly duo and even suggested there were "very good people on both sides" of the Team Rocket vs. Ash Ketchum rivalry, though he says this was taken out of context.

Throughout the debate, Trump also refused to denounce many other things:
  • Nickelback
  • The Last Jedi
  • The laughing dog in Duck Hunt
  • Wesley Crusher
  • Unitarians
  • Attempts to remake The Princess Bride
  • Superman for Nintendo 64
  • Impossible-to-open clamshell packaging
  • People who put ketchup on steak
It's clear he's unworthy of the presidency.

Smiley

Babylon Bee scores exclusive! Leaks copy of Joe Biden's debate prep notes

joe biden debate notes
© The Babylon Bee
In a daring feat of undercover journalism, The Babylon Bee's embedded DC reporter has acquired a leaked copy of Joe Biden's debate prep notes. We are proud to introduce them to the world for the first time. Please enjoy. Many undercover journalists died to bring us this information.

Here they are in all their glory:

The pictured scan has been translated for you below:

Eye 1

I was raped by whoever Trump picks to replace Ginsburg on the Supreme Court

woman blue background
This is incredibly difficult for me to do but I feel that it's necessary to come forward and expose the type of person that Trump will select for the Supreme Court of the great country.

I was raped by whoever Trump selects to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg for the Supreme Court.

It was in the 1990s and the details are a little fuzzy. We were at a party and I distinctly remember this person coming on to me and rubbing up against me.

I told this person I wasn't interested but whoever it was persisted and when we were alone forced himself or herself on me, pulling off my clothes and penetrating me while I constantly said, "No!"

I haven't come forward yet because I was ashamed and afraid. This person is clearly very powerful, but now that this person is being considered for the Supreme Court, I think it's necessary to let people know who they're dealing with, especially after Trump picked a literal serial killer last time.

And the Soros money doesn't hurt.

Cardboard Box

Instant karma! Angry driver screaming at Trump supporters and flipping the bird rear-ends car in front of police

Trump Derangement Syndrome
Trump Derangement Syndrome is real.

A far left lunatic was screaming, "F*** Donald Trump!" and flipping off Trump street corner protesters.

The woman started hanging out her window flipping the Trump supporters off.

Then she hit the car in front of her.

Karma is a bitch.


Apple Red

Wife completely fine with the patriarchy as long as it mows the lawn every weekend

lawnmower
Willow and Ryan Wyndin started married life completely committed to equally splitting every task and chore 50-50. It was a beautiful thing to see as they kept timesheets and shared every responsibility 100% fairly. Willow went off to her job every day and came home to take turns doing things like mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, and sweeping the garage.

But, eventually, Willow surrendered to the patriarchy as long as the patriarchy was willing to mow the lawn every weekend, saying, "I'm 100% OK with the patriarchy as long as it keeps the lawn mowed and repairs things that break around here."

She is now rethinking her entire career choice and plans to write a book on why feminism should embrace the patriarchy. She also says she'd like to stay home and have a bunch of babies, so long as she doesn't have to touch that lawnmower again. "I just think it's so freeing to discover that the way my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents did things was actually really fair. Like, if feminism means I have to mow the lawn, then I'm out. That just doesn't work for me. And frankly, Ryan always puts the dishes away in the wrong spot when he unloads the dishwasher - that's so annoying."

"Stay out of my territory, patriarchy!"

Ryan is totally cool with the new perspective Willow has on shared responsibility and immediately bought a pickup truck to haul supplies to build his man cave. He also recently took on a third job so he can pay someone to mow the lawn.