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Bizarro Earth

Bling Lear: Shakespeare meets Ali G in new chavs' guide to the Bard

Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark - or so the classic tale goes.

You don't recognise it? Get with de programme, that's the opening scene of 'Amlet, a play by some writer dude called Shakespeare.

Written in chav-speak, for the 'yoof' generation, the latest translation of the Bard's works may leave the traditionalists at a loss for, er, words.

But satirical writer Martin Baum is convinced that the 15 plays have lost none of their appeal in his abridged version, which is based on the sort of 'street' language used by TV comedy characters such as Sacha Baron Cohen's Ali G, and the obnoxious schoolgirl Lauren, from the BBC's The Catherine Tate Show.

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Smiley

Bill Clinton & Gloria Arroyo: Scandal Duo of the Class of '68

If it were not for other pressing matters, Bill Clinton and Gloria Arroyo would probably be looking forward to what could be a fun and important event: Their college reunion.

This year is the 40th anniversary of Georgetown University's Class of 1968. The class homecoming at the oldest and most prestigious Catholic, and Jesuit, university in the United States kicks off late May. But as of last week the list of expected attendees does not mention either Clinton or Arroyo.

Briefcase

After losing job, ex-mayor in dognap scandal loses the dog

McAllen, Texas - A custody case that wrecked a small-town south Texas mayor's political career ended Thursday when she was ordered to return a Shih Tzu to her neighbors.

Grace Saenz-Lopez, the former mayor of Alice, had claimed Puddles died last year while she was pet-sitting for the neighbors. Three months later, however, a relative of the neighbors saw the dog, renamed Panchito, at a grooming business.

Sheeple

Purdue's research project is nothing to sniff at

Big Ten rivals may despise Purdue University, but give the school credit for this much: It takes crap seriously.

Purdue students are making extra cash by smelling livestock excrement. Students earn $30 per session as they take whiffs of a variety of smells collected from barns filled with hogs, cows and chickens. It's all in the name of odor research being conducted by a professor of agricultural and biological engineering. Yup, Purdue is a regular Poo U.

Vader

Drunk Darth Vader's Jedi assault

A man posing as Darth Vader attacked a Star Wars fan who had founded a Jedi Church, a court has heard.

Better Earth

Irish village gets its 'harlot' back

A village in the southwest of Ireland won its battle to get its ancient "harlot" back on Thursday when a government order officially changed its name in the Irish language.

For centuries, the village in County Limerick, known as Doon in English, had been known in Gaelic as Dun Bleisce, or Fort of the Harlot, but the name was changed in 2003.

The village's Gaelic name was changed to An Dun, or The Fort in Gaelic, on the advice of the country's Placenames Commission, the official arbiter of names in Irish.

Bomb

Britain's biggest banks use astrology to play the markets

Christeen Skinner blinks at the screen of her computer and takes another slurp of coffee. It's half past seven in the morning and she's preparing for a crucial meeting with the chief executive of the High and Mighty fashion chain.

Apart from the black cat dozing on her lap, the only clue to Christeen's occupation as a 21st century astrologer is a copy of an Ephemeris that lies open at a page marked "Mercury March 25th".

Bizarro Earth

Saudi father pays son $267,000 as reward for quitting smoking

A successful Saudi businessman from Taif, a city in the Mecca Province, paid his son a $267,000 reward for quitting smoking, the Lebanese As-Safir newspaper said on Thursday.

The son learned of the gift when he asked bank officials why such a large sum had appeared on his account.

"I'm glad that after nine years of smoking my son finally managed to get rid of this bad habit," said the father, whose name was not disclosed.

Smiley

The Onion: 9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says


Life Preserver

Pitt's niece 'found a cure for the plague'

An eccentric aristocrat who deserted English society to travel the world believed she had found a cure for the plague, letters show.

Lady Hester Stanhope, the niece of the Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger, claimed to have cured a 12-year-old boy with a mysterious remedy called "serpent stone".

The ingredients are not described, but it is thought to have been a homemade concoction.