Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 03 Jan 2017 22:41 UTC
Visiting the White House situation room for what is expected to be his last time, the teary eyed 55-year-old gazed into the freshly printed mission sheet, before greenlighting its proposed strike on an al Qaeda stronghold in Yemen, wiping a single tear from his cheek.
"I'm really going to miss this old place," he told his military personnel, who began relaying the strike order over the phone to a 24-year-old drone operator in Texas, "Bin Laden, Gaddafi, so many great memories we've had here, guys. Some sick ass shit, stuff I'll take with me the grave. Delicate stuff. Stuff I hope my predecessor has the balls carry out when the time arises", adding, "At least with Hillary, you know that crazy bitch would just blitz anything, no questions asked".
Watching the situation room's high resolution screen, Obama hummed the national anthem eerily in the background to the black and white images, streaming from the multimillion dollar unmanned aircraft, now flying to its target in Sana'a, West Yemen.
"Is that a school?" he asked, before then correcting himself, "ah, a mosk! I nearly shat myself there. It would be a bad week to kill kids; so close to Christmas, and that".
Timing his instruction 'engage target' to the peak of his Star Spangled Banner rendition, "O'er the land of the free...", the next former president of the United States of America climaxed the song as two AGM-114 Hellfire II air-to-ground missiles simultaneously pummelled the ground below.
"....and the home of the brave!", he finished, before bowing to his applauding peers.
So, perhaps a more light-hearted look at 2016 is in order, to balance things out.
Here are two compilations of some of the most hilarious news bloopers of the year, courtesy of News Be Funny Videos.
Thu, 29 Dec 2016 15:28 UTC
Hannah Simpson shared video of her 7-year-old Brown Swiss cow Lilac leaping over a large tree root on her family's farm.
"Here's a video, not the best but it'll do," she wrote.
Simpson's bond with Lilac began when she was 11 years old and her brother suggested she ride the six-month-old calf after her parents would not give her a horse, she told the New Zealand Herald.
The New Yorker/The Borowitz Report
Fri, 30 Dec 2016 09:05 UTC
"No one has worked more tirelessly for the glory of the Fatherland than Donald Trump," the Russian President Vladimir Putin said in an official statement. "He has set a high bar for all Kremlin employees, and for that, we salute him."
To mark the honor, Trump's name will be added to a plaque that hangs in the hallway outside the Kremlin's H.R. office.
According to Kremlin sources, Trump faced tough competition in the Employee of the Month voting, besting both Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and ExxonMobil's C.E.O., Rex Tillerson.
Speaking to reporters at his Mar-a-Lago estate, in Florida, Trump called the award "a tremendous honor, just tremendous."
"Obama was President for eight years and he didn't win this a single month," he said. "Loser."
Mashup artist Cassetteboy presents his take on one of the biggest news stories of the year, shining a humorous light on Brexit. The video lampoons a host of Conservative MPs - David Cameron, Boris Johnson, George Osborne, Michael Gove, Theresa May as well as Ukip's Nigel Farage - all of whom played a major role in the EU referendum.
Comment: Classic line: "In wealth and power, born and raised, crushing the poor is how we spend most of our days / We've cut public services across the nation, I've told people: Blame immigration!"
Comment: See also:
- Cassetteboy v Cameron: Mashup artists mock Tory Toff-in-Chief's revolting ad attacking Corbyn
- Cassetteboy vs Jeremy Hunt
- Leaked memo suggests Tories have no Brexit plan nor enough staff to make it happen
- Jonathan Pie: Brexit means Brexit!
- The decline of British influence? Brexit a 'catastrophe' for UK's foreign policy elite
- UK Supreme Court won't overturn Brexit vote: Court president
Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau/ Fort Russ
Tue, 20 Dec 2016 18:58 UTC
An end at last for fake news: Truth Ministry cleans up
As announced by the SPD party chair, Thomas Oppermann, the Federal Government will adopt a law against "fake news" in January in order to prevent Russia's massive influence on the Bundestag election in 2017, as expressed by the FAZ (Fakenews Allgemeine Zeitung) [F is for Frankfurt, FAZ is like NYT -tr.]
Explication is forthcoming.
Rakesh Shukla is a software engineer who's found his life's calling in looking after dogs that no-one wants, writes the BBC's Geeta Pandey in Bangalore.The car pulled up outside a dusty farmhouse near the capital of the southern Indian state of Karnataka and suddenly dogs were everywhere, yelping and barking, jumping with joy.
Within seconds, they were all over Rakesh Shukla, nuzzling him and licking him, and Mr Shukla was as delighted to see them. He spoke to them, patted some, scratched one behind the ears, and lofted another onto his shoulder.
Then he gave me a tour of his three and a half acre farm. At last count, Mr Shukla had 735 dogs.
The New Yorker/The Borowitz Report
Sun, 18 Dec 2016 17:26 UTC
In a brief statement from the Kremlin, Putin said, "I will be most delighted to perform for my comrade."
The choice of Putin raised eyebrows in Washington, since the Russian, while famous for invading neighboring countries and imprisoning political opponents, is not particularly well known as a singer.
The Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway pushed back against such criticism during an appearance on CNN. "If we limited ourselves to people who had talent and experience, that would disqualify half of our Cabinet," she said.
Putin's choice of musical material also stirred controversy, as politicians on both sides of the aisle questioned his plan to perform the Russian national anthem.
According to those critics, the spectacle of Putin praising the glory and majesty of Russia in song would be inappropriate for the Inauguration of an American President.
In an attempt to quell that controversy, Putin said late on Sunday that he would instead serenade Trump by singing the Bette Midler classic, "Wind Beneath My Wings."
Sat, 17 Dec 2016 17:22 UTC
"I just have a sense — " said Ellen, putting on her gloves.
"You think so?" said Carol, adjusting her scarf.
A Clinton sighting was hardly unlikely. She and her husband were Chappaqua neighbors who enjoyed an invigorating, mind-clearing tromp in the local nature preserve as much as anyone else. And now, of course, she was back in town. Ellen had already seen her in the woods twice since she lost the presidency, and she wasn't the only one. Two days after the election, a young woman had spotted Clinton and taken a photo with her that went viral, leading to fake news stories alleging that the whole thing was staged, which was said to prove once again that Hillary Clinton couldn't do anything that did not strike a false note. But Chappaquaians knew better.
Comment: Yes, this is the depths to which the Washington Post has sunk. What a mindless, unimportant, trivial, and unintentionally hilarious piece of garbage.
Sat, 17 Dec 2016 21:42 UTC
According to the anonymous sources inside the anonymous US intelligence agency, Putin's objectives were multifaceted, but the whole thing began as a "vendetta" against Hillary Clinton because she said some mean things about him a few times. Putin is also an "immature 12 year-old child," a former US official with links to the defense industry, who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed (with high confidence).
The high level, anonymous and completely trustworthy sources also told a major US news agency that Putin himself had piloted a specially-designed Russian spy plane across the Atlantic to personally direct the still-ongoing hacking operations from the air.