Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Mr. Potato

Wisconsin: Would-Be Robber Arrives Too Late to Rob Bank


The Associated Press
Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:27 UTC
Maybe the bank robber needed the money to buy a watch.

It would seem he needed one after arriving six minutes after the Guardian Credit Union in Waukesha closed.

Police said a man wearing a ski mask entered the first set of doors at 5:36 p.m. Wednesday with a gun, apparently not realizing the bank was closed.

The second set of doors was locked and police were called but the man left before they arrived.

Waukesha Police Sgt. Jerry Habanek told The Freeman in Waukesha that police are reviewing security tapes and investigating.
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Smiley

Florida: Burglar Showers, Tells Residents "Obama Let Him In"

Michael Stewart
Northwest Florida Daily News
Sat, 28 Nov 2009 08:26 UTC
A man accused of breaking into a Crestview home and taking a shower reportedly told residents who showed up "President Obama let him in" the house.

According to a Crestview Police Department report, St. Petersbug resident Donald Leon May, 48, entered a home in the 400 block of East Railroad Avenue Nov. 18 through an unlocked back door and took a shower.

While in the shower, two juvenile children who lived at the house entered with a friend. Thinking their dad was home, one of the children entered the bathroom and "saw a male in the shower who was not his father," the report states.

"The male in the shower stated 'Obama let him in'" and told the boy to "get out," the report continues.

The children ran to a neighbor's house and called police. When they arrived May was still in the house with nothing on but a "towel wrapped around his lower body," the report states.
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Mr. Potato

New Jersey: Church Brings Football to Sunday Service

Tanya Drobness
New Jersey Real-Time News
Sun, 29 Nov 2009 22:32 UTC
Image
© Jennifer Brown/The Star-LedgerRev. Dwight Gill and a choir lead the New Hope Baptist Church in its 4th annual "NFL Sunday Football Service."
The Rev. Dwight Gill figures if there is one thing that will bring more men to church, it's football.

So Sunday at New Hope Baptist Church of East Orange, NFL didn't stand for National Football League, but rather for New Found Life - as in the church's annual NFL service and celebration.

The service drew nearly 2,000 people, including a bevy of newcomers who were in for a worship service that was anything but ordinary.

"There's more to it than just a church service," said Michael Carrington, 48, of Newark. Carrington said he is not a regular churchgoer but was so impressed with what he saw and the spirit of the congregation that he wants to become a member.
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Smiley

Michigan, U.S.: Police Seek Bald Man Who Swiped Family's Turkey


The Associated Press
Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:01 UTC
Jackson police are working to crack a case of fowl play.

They're searching for a man who broke into an apartment about 11 p.m. Tuesday and stole a family's holiday turkey.

Police Lt. Christopher Simpson told the Jackson Citizen Patriot the suspect ran into the kitchen and stole the turkey out of the freezer.

He said the 6-foot, 300-pound bald man "fled with turkey in hand."

Police said a woman and two children were home at the time, and no one was injured.
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Smiley

Colorado, U.S.: Man Apparently Tried to Haul Away ATM


The Associated Press
Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:53 UTC
Authorities say a man in Colorado apparently tried to steal an ATM by hauling it away with a truck.

The plan didn't work.

The alleged attempted theft of the free-standing, outdoor ATM in Boulder set off an alarm early Wednesday morning. When police arrived they found the ATM on its side about 15 feet from its foundation outside a Chase Bank. No money had been taken.

Surveillance photos show a man hooking the ATM's chain to the back of a U-Haul truck.
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Mr. Potato

Massachusetts: Woman Sees Image of Jesus on Her Iron


San Francisco Gate
Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:00 UTC
A Massachusetts woman who recently separated from her husband and had her hours cut at work says an image of Jesus Christ she sees on her iron has reassured her that "life is going to be good."

Mary Jo Coady first noticed the image Sunday when she walked into her daughter's room.

The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair.

The 44-year-old Coady was raised Catholic. She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."
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Pistol

UK: Goth Robber Jailed for Bizarre Bank Job


The Angus
Sat, 28 Nov 2009 14:22 UTC
A goth robber held up a bank but then gave away all the money he had stolen.

Frater Osiris Xnoubis was dressed from head to foot in black leather when he carried out the bizarre robbery.

He handed a note to terrified cashier Laura Sulling telling her he was armed and demanded she hand over the cash in her till.

Xnoubis, a Pagan worshipper, stuffed £6,570 into a bag and told her to "have a nice day" before calmly walking out of the HSBC branch in Terminus Road, Eastbourne.

He walked a few yards to the Gildridge pub where he handed barmaid Gemma Clark a £20 note for a bottle of beer and told her to keep the change.

After downing his drink he left and went to nearby Harrisons sandwich bar.
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Pumpkin

Palin Issues Thankfulnesses List


Borowitz Report
Thu, 26 Nov 2009 05:39 UTC
Image
© Unknown
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":
This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...

I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.

I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.

I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.

I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.
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Smiley

Florida: Dog Greets Customers at Gas Station

Dominick Tao
St. Petersburg Times
Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:00 UTC
Image
© Jim Damaske/Times
The sequence of events happens dozens of times every day at the BP gas station/convenience store at U.S. 19 at Nursery Road.

An unsuspecting customer pulls up to the drive-through window. But instead of a store clerk, up pops two paws, deep brown eyes and the tongue-flapping grin of a happy chocolate Labrador retriever named Cody.

Kids in the back seats of minivans often squeal with joy.

Even the usually stony faces of gruff construction worker-types can't help but crack a smile under the dog's unpretentious greeting.

"He hears the bell and goes running. When he pops up, that sets it off," said Karim Mansour, the store's and dog's owner. "Uncontrollable giggling."

The only thing that tops Cody's enthusiasm for a customer, is a customer who has a dog with him.
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Smiley

Satire Opinion: Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis

Dan Laird
The Onion
Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:00 UTC
Dan Laird
© The OnionDan Laird
I take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to start now, no matter what. I'm telling you, there's no way I'm going to sit back and let some black president of the United States try to devise a structure to help me pay for the dialysis treatment I so desperately need to survive.

Not over my dead body.

Just who does this Afro-American occupant of the highest office in the land think he is, anyway? Look, I've got nothing against black people, but some of them act like the whole world owes them something. For example, important government subsidies on my dialysis.
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