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Gavin Newsom: California believes in free speech and if you disagree you will be arrested


The Babylon Be
Thu, 28 Sep 2023 16:01 UTC
Newsom
© Justin Sullivan/Getty Images
California Governor Gavin Newsom
In a statement given to a roomful of waitstaff at The French Laundry, California Governor Gavin Newsom declared California to be the freest state in the Union, and warned that anyone who disagreed would be arrested.

"We believe in free speech and freedom here in the Golden State," said Newsom while nibbling on a 3000-dollar broasted hummingbird with stem cell-infused bordelaise. "Here in California, you're free to wear masks at all times, pay lots of taxes, give gay porn to elementary school kids, turn in your guns, and all kinds of other classic American pastimes! Yay, freedom!"

The governor went on to warn that any disagreement with his opinion of California's freedoms would result in prosecution and prison time. "Disagreeing with me is anti-American and fascist," he said while sampling his main course of live baby goat.

Independent studies have confirmed Newsom's claim, although it is unclear whether the researchers who ran the study were just trying to avoid getting arrested by Newsom. "Our research places California at number 1 in a list of the freest places in the whole entire universe," said one nervous-looking scientist.

At publishing time, rumors had surfaced that Newsom was planning to run for President in his quest to make the entire country as free as California.
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Smiley

To avoid embarrassing falls, Biden to be transported by aides using presidential hand truck


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 28 Sep 2023 17:13 UTC
biden hand truck avoid falls satire
© The Babylon Bee
Better look than a wheelchair?
The White House announced a new directive Tuesday they say will put an end to President Joe Biden's endless pratfalls once and for all: transporting the leader of the free world on an official presidential hand truck.

"Whoa, look at me go!" Biden said excitedly as he was pushed up the tarmac to Air Force One. "I'm flying!"

The presidential hand truck was specially designed by the nation's top scientists and is reportedly able to withstand the blast of a nuclear bomb.

"This baby is made out of the same heavy-duty material as the space shuttle," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre as she introduced the stylish presidential hand truck, code-named Limp. "It's completely bulletproof and capable of speeds in excess of 5 miles per hour."

According to sources, Biden is impressed by the hand truck's ability to whisk him away from journalists who keep asking him annoying questions about his undeniable corruption.

"Whoosh!" Biden cried out on one such occasion. "Frender limbergrander, man! Weeeeeeeee!"

At publishing time, the president had honored the hand truck with a Presidential Medal of Freedom.
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Smiley

Trudeau attempts to distract from Nazi controversy by growing cool new mustache


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 26 Sep 2023 11:48 UTC
trudeau hitler mustache
After an embarrassing incident in which the Canadian government honored a Nazi SS veteran in parliament, Canada's dictator Justin Trudeau attempted to distract from the controversy by unveiling some cool new facial hair.

"If there's anything that has been a real asset to me in my career, it's my beautiful Cuban hair," said Trudeau to official state media reporters. "Canadians will swoon when they see my sexy new mustache and all will be forgiven! Wenn du wie die Sonne strahlen willst, musst du zuerst so brennen!"

Hundreds of gathered supporters gasped with delight upon seeing Trudeau's new look for the first time.
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Smiley

Biden: Menendez stupid for taking bribes in gold: 'Should have used fungible assets laundered by 20 different shell companies'


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 25 Sep 2023 20:23 UTC
joe Biden robert menendez
© The Babylon Bee
Joe Biden and Robert Menendez: professional vs amateur criminal
With Democratic Senator Bob Menendez facing charges of bribery, President Biden weighed in this morning, condemning the Senator for accepting his bribes in bars of gold rather than fungible assets laundered through 20 shell companies.

"Gold? That's a real rookie move, Jack!" said Biden to reporters. "If you're gonna get rich off a bribe, you gotta have money wired to several different shell companies in Ukraine which will then launder the money and wire it to your son in exchange for a painting, who will then buy some expensive items, and give you your cut. Come on, man! This ain't rocket surgery! Don't they launder money in Mexico or wherever this Menendez guy is from?"

Sources say suspicions around Menendez first arose when he started trying to pay for bags of chips in the Capitol cafeteria with gold doubloons.

Federal investigators confirmed Menendez is now facing several serious charges of receiving bribes in an overly obvious way while not being a member of the Biden family. "We will pursue these charges to the best of our ability," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "Fortunately, Menendez is the only politician in Washington who has ever received a bribe, so we believe this problem is now contained."

At publishing time, Hunter Biden had been seen by witnesses desperately trying to pawn off a wheelbarrow full of gold at a corner pawn shop in DC.
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Smiley

Bad luck: Military announces lost F-35 was carrying Epstein client list


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 18 Sep 2023 18:05 UTC
lost f35 f-35 satire epstein client list
© The Babylon Bee
In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.

"This is truly unfortunate," said Department of Defense spokesman John Kirby. "The client list that once belonged to the late Mr. Epstein was being transported to an undisclosed location for analysis to prepare to use it as evidence to deliver justice for Epstein's victims. Tragically, with the plane going missing, it is unlikely we will ever see the list again. Such a peculiar happenstance, really."

Media outlets and the public at large have been calling for the release of Eptsein's client list for years but will now be left to speculate as to its contents. "Such an awful coincidence," said conspiracy theorist Ryan Felix. "It just so happens that the very plane that is carrying the client list disappears? Yeah, sure. Right. Funny how that happens, huh?"

At publishing time, reports had begun to circulate that, in addition to the Epstein client list, the missing F-35 jet just so happened to also be carrying the Nashville shooter's manifesto, Barack Obama's original birth certificate, conclusive proof of the identity of the Jan 6 pipe bomber, and all known documentation and evidence of Joe and Hunter Biden's dealings with the Ukrainian and Chinese governments.
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Smiley

New dress code allows aging senators to show up in their hospital gowns


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 18 Sep 2023 19:29 UTC
old congressman senators hospital gowns satire
© The Babylon Bee
"So much more comfortable!"
Following a change in the Senate's informal dress code, aging senators were excited to show up to work Monday in their hospital gowns.

"This is awkward," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel said when he noticed dozens of senators wearing the same exact thing. "One of us has got to change."

Officially, loosening the Senate's informal dress code was motivated by a need to accommodate Sen John Fetterman's famous hoodie and sweatpants. However, sources confirm Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer had an ulterior motive — he prefers the comfort and convenience of a hospital gown.

"I wear the gown under my normal clothes so I can change into them quickly. Like a superhero," Schumer said. "But now I can drop the facade and just be me. It's loose-fitting so you can have easy access to my backside to administer vaccines, suppositories, and other medications. It's great!"

Bernie Sanders confirmed that the new dress code allows him to live a truth he previously hid from the world. "The gown is open in the back. It's very breezy, which I like," he said. "Ooooo, I feel it now."

Sen Lindsey Graham, however, bucked the hospital gown trend by dressing in drag. "It's time for Lindsey Graham 3.0!" he said. "Fabuloooouuuus!"

At publishing time, the policy had been quickly reversed after Rand Paul showed up in his buffalo hat.
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Smiley

Journalists anxiously wait for memo from Biden Administration with today's instructions


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 14 Sep 2023 17:27 UTC
office group meeting
As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day's official instructions and talking points.

"We don't say a word without knowing what they want us to say," said Joe Scarborough, co-host of MSNBC's Morning Joe. "If the administration doesn't provide us with a bulleted list of things to talk about, we're lost. I mean, seriously, what would we do without the White House giving specific instructions? Objectively discuss current events? Report the news? Don't be ridiculous."

In the age of social media and mass internet access, the public at large has grown bewildered by the mainstream media's blatant refusal to discuss anything related to Joe Biden and his family being involved in alleged corruption scandals. When questioned, members of the media were quick to play defense. "That's not our job," said CNN anchor Jake Tapper. "Reporting the news is not the job of news reporters. We're here to propagate the government's official narrative. Besides, there are no scandals involving the Biden family. None. Zero."

At publishing time, journalists had cheered as the Administration instructed them to cover something about Taylor Swift since there was definitely no news of note going on at the White House.
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Smiley

Ireland completely forgot to celebrate first anniversary of Queen's death


Waterford Whispers News
Sat, 16 Sep 2023 18:56 UTC
Anniversary
© Waterford Whispers News
A SHAMEFACED Irish nation has today apologised to one another for 'dropping the ball' and failing to gleefully acknowledge the first anniversary of the death of former British monarch Queen Elizabeth II.

"Ah I didn't mind her, but it would have been nice to have some festivities marking the fact they all lost their fucking minds over there," shared one Irish person who admitted the lapse is further proof Ireland has gone to the dogs.

"That's not like us at all," said one genuinely worried Irish person, "were we not meant to get a bank holiday for this? I'd have gone up North to get fireworks if someone reminded me".
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Smiley

Dems accidentally reveal plan to destroy the Constitution ahead of schedule


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 11 Sep 2023 14:59 UTC
Michelle Lujan Grisham
© Sam Wasson / Bloomberg via Getty Images
New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham: "Whoopsies!"
Democrats accidentally let their master plan to utterly destroy the United States Constitution slip out into public slightly ahead of schedule.

"Welp, this is embarrassing," said Governor Grisham of New Mexico. "Really jumped the gun on announcing how we would do away with the Bill of Rights. Get it - jumped the gun?? Ha! Anyhow, yeah, that's how we're going to blow the Constitution to pieces. Cat's out of the bag!"

According to sources within the party, the Democrats had planned on giving it another five to ten years before destroying the remains of the Constitution. "It's a little ahead of schedule, but I doubt the sheep fight back," said Governor Newsom of California. "So, yeah -- we are going to use the precedent of suspending civil liberties during a pandemic to suspend Americans' rights for anything we subjectively declare an emergency, rendering all rights subject to the government's whims. Pretty genius, right? Man, COVID was such a godsend for us."

At publishing time, Americans asking if we could please just follow the Constitution were accused of creating a public health emergency and immediately tossed in jail.
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Smiley

New Mexico criminals excited to hear no one will be armed for entire month


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 10 Sep 2023 16:18 UTC
New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham satire
© KOB4
New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham
Criminals across New Mexico were ecstatic to hear from Governor Grisham today that no one in the state would be armed for an entire month.

"Oh, sweet!" said local carjacker Jeff Diggs. "It's so stressful wondering if your next victim could be packing. Gosh, that's such a weight off!"

New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham made the announcement yesterday in a press conference, to resounding cheers from criminals across the state. "I just want every thief in our great state to know they have nothing to fear," said Governor Grisham. "We're delivering bold leadership on crime, and making a statement to the nation. That statement is this: For the next month, criminals in New Mexico can rob and assault anyone with absolute impunity."

Organized crime rings broke out in applause and slapped high-fives, ecstatic about the news. "Man, I'm getting tears in my eyes," said Albuquerque gangster Sean Rogers. "What a relief, knowing we're the only ones with the guns. This is going to be amazing."

At publishing time, Governor Grisham had announced to further cheers that she would also be taking away guns from the police.
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