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Wed, 07 Dec 2022
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Attention

Hammer Time

Too Legit to Hit. Can't touch this!
Hammer Time
© The Good Citizen
Nightly Memo

To: Alphabet News Networks & National Affiliates

From: Mockingbird, HQ
Dept: Political Communications
Division: Perception Management
Desk: Kink

Revision: Right-Wing Political Violence
Status: Ultra MAGA
Activate: Hammer Time
Level: Deep

Producer: Start teleprompter...commercial ending...we're back in 3, 2, 1...

Tonight at eleven, a spooky story of political rage and right-wing violence has shattered the moral fabric of our completely healthy and stable country.

Husband of the Speaker of the House and third in line to the throne of Oligarch servantry, undefeated stock market picker, part-time drunk driver with unlisted male companions, and lover of Do-It-Yourself home improvement work was assaulted at Speaker's Manor in the early hours Friday morning.

Run footage of crime tape with FBI agents on the scene.

Paul Pelosi was doing urgent home improvement work at 2 am in his underwear at Speaker's Manor when an Ultra MAGA intruder smashed through the back patio window of the Speaker's Manor with a hammer.

The intruder was apparently yelling, "Where's Nancy?" in reference to Paul's wife Nancy Pelosi who was out of town.

Paul Pelosi was able to distance himself from the intruder by saying he needed to use the bathroom. The intruder was attempting to tie him up with leather and chains Paul had purchased as part of his home improvement project, but let Mr. Pelosi leave anyway to relieve himself.

Smiley

Elon Musk admits he spent $44 billion just to pull off a Dad joke

elon musk twitter headquarters dad joke
Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say "Let that sink in," he's admitted the purchase was all just an elaborate dad joke that cost him billions.

Experts say it was the most expensive dad joke in history.

"I was thinking it'd be funny to walk into a company I just bought and bring a sink in," Musk told reporters. "Because then I could say, 'Let that sink in' or maybe 'I'm giving it my all - everything and the kitchen sink.' That last one needs some workshopping. But you get the idea."

Musk then reportedly started looking for companies he could buy and decided Twitter would be high profile enough so that many people would be able to see and enjoy his dad joke. "It wouldn't be worth buying some small company and bringing a sink in, because then only a few hundred million people would take notice and laugh at this classic gag. It would be too remote to be an effective demonstration."

"Yeah, I could have spent a little less. But you gotta go big. Do it for the joke," Musk said. "Maybe next time I'll buy Facebook for $300 billion or something. Then I'll build three wells outside their door. They'll open the door and I'll jump out and say, 'Well, well, well.' Ha, classic. Hey Edgar, can you give Zuckerberg a call?"

Dads across the country praised Musk's commitment to the joke, saying, "Classic!" and "Nice one, bro!"

Smiley

Larry, 10 Downing Street cat makes PM bid

Larry cat downing street

Larry, the long-suffering official cat of 10 Downing Street
Larry the feline revealed on Twitter that he had King Charles' blessing to assume the post being vacated by Liz Truss

Larry the Cat, the official chief mouser of 10 Downing Street, has jokingly laid claim to the premiership via Twitter, announcing on Thursday that he had been anointed by King Charles himself.

"The King has asked me to become Prime Minister because this nonsense has gone on long enough," the account tweeted, accompanied by a photo of himself seated before a miniature podium.

Comment: Larry's bid was unfortunately, not successful:




Fire

Man goes to torch restaurant because they got his order wrong, ends up igniting himself in wild footage

idiot attempting arson restaurant
A Queens man is facing multiple criminal charges after he allegedly tried to set a Bangladeshi restaurant on fire several days ago because the restaurant got his order wrong.

The New York City Fire Department announced that Choephel Norbu was arrested for the incident late last week.

"FDNY Fire Marshals along with @nypd Arson and Explosion Detectives arrested Norbu, 49, for intentionally setting fire to a commercial food establishment at 73-07 37 Road in Queens," the statement said. "Norbu has been charged with 1 count of Arson 3, 1 count of Criminal Mischief 2, and 1 count of Reckless Endangerment 2."

Mr. Potato

Iceberg lettuce in blond wig outlasts Liz Truss

lettuce in blond wig

Supermarket salad is crowned winner of bizarre competition that attracted global media attention.
Supermarket salad is crowned winner of bizarre competition that attracted global media attention.

A wilting 60p iceberg lettuce from Tesco in a blond wig has been crowned the winner of a bizarre competition after outlasting Liz Truss's tenuous grip on power.

Seven days ago the Daily Star set up a webcam on the lettuce to see if it would have a longer shelf-life than the prime minister. To add to Truss's humiliating resignation, the lettuce won.

As Truss made her resignation statement, those viewing the video on YouTube soared to more than 20,000.

Smiley

Feminists rejoice as all-time record for shortest term as Prime Minister now held by a woman

Bye Bye Truss
© Babylon Bee
LONDON — Feminists worldwide touted another feather in their caps today as Liz Truss's resignation meant the all-time record for the shortest term by a UK Prime Minister is now held by a woman.

"This is just the latest domino to fall in our ongoing fight against the global patriarchy," said Jill Jakenhaal (she/her), chairperson of the London chapter of Women Against Everything. "We can now be proud that the fastest failure by a Prime Minister was accomplished not by a man — by a woman! Take that, male oppressors!"

Smiley

How PayPal's decision to fine users $2,500 for misinformation REALLY went down

satire Paypal fine misinformation 2500
© AwakenWithJP
Screencapture of secret PayPal discussion of mis-information fines
JP Sears brings us the real skinny on PayPal's policy decision:


Nuke

World okay with annihilation, to be honest

Nuclear Blast
© Waterford Whispers
PRESIDENT Biden's stark warning that the world is 'at its closest to nuclear Armageddon since the Cuban missile crisis' has been surprisingly met with a positive response from billions of people who just want this whole thing over and done with, if they're honest.

"I've been hearing about this since I was five-years-old, so you know what, go ahead and do it - whatever nuclear holocaust awaits us, it can't be any worse than this will-they won't-they crap every few decades," stated one man we spoke to today, who claims he's sick of the US and Russia's 'Ross & Rachel' approach to all-out war.

"So, the options on the table are a slow and excruciating descent into climate hell for the next 100 years or just a quick trigger where it's lights out across the globe in one go? Sign me up for option B," added another lady we talked to, who would like to go out nice and quick.

Smiley

Hurricane-ravaged Florida town raises Ukraine flag so Congress will send aid

ukraine flag florida hurrican aid satire
© The Babylon Bee
In a desperate attempt to get help for its citizens and deal with the growing humanitarian crisis in the area, a Florida town devastated by Hurricane Ian has taken the unusual step of raising the Ukrainian flag, hoping to convince Congress to send aid.

"The Ukrainian government flies this flag, and they're just swimming in billions and billions of dollars in support from the United States. We're just swimming in sewage," said Ray Valdivia, the Response Coordinator working to assess the damage in the town. "We tried going through the normal channels to get help from the government, but Biden just sent us a letter of "best wishes" that looks like it may have been written in crayon."

Though the situation across the Sunshine State has been critical since the hurricane blew through last week, Congress has maintained a keen focus on funneling astronomical amounts of taxpayer money overseas to pay the salaries of Ukrainian government officials and support American defense contractors' war efforts against Russia.

"These requests coming in from Florida are small potatoes," Nancy Pelosi slurred at her meeting with the press when asked about providing hurricane relief. "Sending money to Florida would not save the world from Russia or effectively launder the taxpayer money in any way."

At publishing time, citizens of Ft. Myers were working on using fake Ukrainian accents and inviting Hollywood celebrities to visit their devastated towns, hoping to convince the ignorant actors that they were visiting war-torn Kyiv instead.

Smiley

Biden vows next hurricane to hit US will be named after a woman of color

biden hurrican ian poc
© The Bablyon Bee
As Hurricane Ian made landfall in Florida, Biden held a press conference to criticize the hurricane naming system and vow that the next major storm will be named after a woman of color.

"Seriously! Irma? Michael? Andrew? Ian? What's with all these white names, folks?" said Biden to several of his dead acquaintances who he saw sitting in the audience. "Why can't we have a Rosa Parks hurricane? Or maybe an Oprah? For real! It's not a joke! Come on, man!"

The World Meteorological Association immediately responded to Biden's request and confirmed they have several names of influential women of color they hope to use for the next deadly tropical cyclone.

At publishing time, sources confirmed Hurricane Lizzo is scheduled to make landfall next week.

Comment: Bonus Bee!