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Sat, 18 Sep 2021
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Smiley

'Do come Again' says Taliban to withdrawing US troops

Taliban Fighters
© Waterford Whispers
The Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan more commonly known as the Taliban has today thanked the US military for stopping by for the last 20 years, calling on them to return sometime in the future if they ever feel the need.

"Oh, tell Russia we were asking for them too," said a spokesban, referring to a similar withdrawal of Soviet troops in 1989 following a 9-year war between the two states, "I hope you guys enjoyed your stay here and thanks for spending $822bn of your citizens money on trying to kill us, we really appreciate all the weapon presents you left behind and military vehicles".

The withdrawal comes after President Biden insisted on pulling out all US troops out of Afghanistan by 11 September this year to mark the country's biggest mistake and waste of time since Vietnam.

Smiley

CNN staffers axed for being unvaccinated wished they'd have just exposed themselves on a Zoom call instead

toobin fired employee
© The Babylon Bee
Jeffrey Toobin (inset) Regretful ex-CNN employee
CNN has fired three employees for not being vaccinated, and now the laid-off workers are wishing they had just exposed themselves on camera instead so they could have kept their jobs.

The three laid-off employees drank away their sorrows at a local bar, expressing their regrets for not getting vaccinated when they could have just Toobined themselves on a Zoom call with coworkers and kept their jobs.

"Man, if I'd only have pulled a Toobin on camera, I would have been fine!" lamented one of the laid-off journalists over a few beers. "I should have just, you know, watched my favorite comedian, Buddy Wackit. Or my favorite Little Rascal, Spanky, or my favorite baseball team, the Yankees. It all seems so clear in hindsight."

"Oh well. Maybe we'll get a job at NBC News and we can lock women in our offices like Matt Lauer instead of refusing the jab."

At publishing time, they'd also realized they could have just covered for their governor brother during a sex scandal as well.

Comment: The New Yorker reportedly suspends Jeffrey Toobin for exposing himself during a Zoom call with coworkers


Smiley

War on COVID to wrap up as quickly as the War on Terror says government

War on COVID
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House press secretary Jen Psaki announced Monday that the Biden administration is committing to wage a war on COVID that will be as fast, efficient, and effective as the war on terror.

"Today, the Biden administration is pleased to declare an all-out war against COVID," Psaki said. "If the war on terror has taught us anything, it's that if we set aside our political differences and spend a few dozen trillion dollars, there's no end to what we can achieve in just 20 short years."

The plan is entitled "Two Decades To Stop The Spread," and the crux of the program revolves around three initiatives:

Smiley

Man disguises self as illegal immigrant so Democrats won't care that he's unvaccinated

immigrant illegal migrant disguise vaccination
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, Democrats in Washington really want people to get vaccinated. When it comes to undocumented immigrants, however, Democrats don't really seem to care as much. This led local man Damien Cooper to pose as an illegal immigrant so politicians won't bother him about getting vaccinated all the time.

"Hola," said Cooper to reporters when asked about the situation. "Donde esta la biblioteca?"

The reporters quickly surmised from Cooper's fluent Spanish that he was a Mexican immigrant and it would be racist to question him further.

Cooper's employer has also backed off after initially telling him he would lose his job if he didn't get vaccinated. They have also switched to paying him under that table so he can collect his wages tax-free, without fear of being deported.

Democrats who were polled on the issue of unvaccinated immigrants coming across the border revealed that 46% of them don't actually think COVID is something to worry about. The other 54% of them don't really care about the health of Mexican immigrants.

"Hey — as long as it gets me out of being vaccinated, I'll just keep dressing like this!" said Cooper. "Er, um, I mean... donde esta la biblioteca?"

Smiley

CDC experts on 'Delta variant': Do all the things that didn't work the first time!

tony fauci

Dr. Anthony Fauci
To defeat the massive, scary, definitely world-ending wave of COVID being driven by the delta variant of the deadly, frightening disease you should remain afraid of for the rest of your life, experts are recommending we try all the things that didn't work the first time.

From wearing masks and social distancing to locking everyone down and destroying the economy, experts are all suggesting that we just try the same things we did last time that didn't work at all.

"We are going to lock down, wear masks, and social distance, all of which didn't work, but hey. It's worth trying again," said Dr. Anthony Fauci in a television interview this morning. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. That's what they taught us in science school. Look at my lab coat. It's white. Do you like it? It has pockets."

The television anchor then assured Dr. Fauci that his pockets were very nice.

"Thanks. I also have the heartbeat thingy. I like to breathe on it to warm it up. Makes me look official and doctory and whatnot."

At publishing time, experts had clarified that while we're going to be doing the same things that didn't work over and over again, we're going to be doing them harder this time.

Mr. Potato

27 covid-skeptic memes to get you through the day - part 8

27 memes
Welcome to a special Bumper Edition of Monday Morning MemesTM. Living through the birth of a new human paradigm is thirsty work for the soul. The 'New Normal' continues to emerge, like the slow unfurling of a particularly obnoxious corpse plant.

Yes, we in England were granted our 'freedom day', but mask-wearing has lingered like an all-pervading silent fart. We now apparently need proof of vaccination to enter nightclubs and football stadiums and Macron has introduced fascism across the English Channel (although the French people have found a thing or two to say about that).

It can all feel relentless but never let the bastards grind you down! It's always darkest before the dawn! People around the world really are rising up like never before. We mustn't forget these things. Keep on at it, fellow heretics!

We need a special big dose of meme-based mirth today. Wry smiles-despite being the most energy-efficient of smiles-still need propping up from time to time!

Pistol

Florida man shoots himself while showing off gun in bar

O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola
© Google Maps
An unidentified Florida man shot himself while showing off his gun at O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola.
A man showing off his new gun to patrons in a Florida bar ended up shooting himself with the weapon instead, according to reports.

The unidentified knucklehead was inside O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola at 11 p.m. Thursday when he pulled out the gun to show it to a man and a woman at the bar, the Pensacola News Journal reported Friday.

The man then made a quick motion to put the gun into an imaginary holster under his shoulder when the gun went off and a bullet struck his torso, the outlet reported.

Comment: Future Darwin Award winner?


Mr. Potato

Jen Psaki banned from social media for spreading misinformation

jenn psaki twitter
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration has decided to crack down hard on those who spread covid misinformation on social media. Because of this, Press Secretary Jen Psaki has been promptly and permanently removed from all social media platforms.

"We take this ban very seriously," a Biden official said. "Ol' Jen had an enormous reach online, and our system received so many notifications of misinformation by her that she was automatically removed."

Psaki now has a lifetime ban on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TiKTok, and even lower traffic sites such as AOL Instant Messenger. The social media ban is as thorough as it is severe in hopes of teaching others a lesson about spreading misinformation.

Smiley

Report: FBI helped Thanos get six Infinity Stones in attempt to bust him on plot to kill half the universe

thanos infinity stones
Some surprising information has come out about Thanos's scheme to obtain the six Infinity Stones and kill half of all life in the universe: The FBI initiated the plot.

"We had suspected Thanos might one day be a threat, but we didn't have anything on him," explained FBI spokesman Matt Holloway. "That's why we decided to entrap him with a plot to murder half the universe."

Documents show that it was an undercover agent who first told Thanos about the Infinity Stones. At first Thanos was hesitant on the idea, as he thought killing half of all life to be an extreme solution and instead planned to stick to his environmental work. Still, after months of coaxing, Thanos agreed to hunt down the Infinity Stones.

Comment: See also: After wiping out half the universe, Thanos calls for unity


Smiley

CNN makes public service announcement on warning signs of dementia

Dementia Joe
© CNN
CINCINNATI, OH — As part of a campaign to raise awareness and improve public knowledge on treatment options, CNN aired an hour-long public service announcement on the warning signs of dementia Wednesday night.

The PSA, which ran over an hour, showed tragic footage of an old man ranting and making nonsensical, confusing statements.

CNN says they hope the footage will encourage family members of the elderly to get them tested for the early warning signs of dementia. The cable news channel displayed a phone number for a hotline people can call if they believe someone they know might be suffering from symptoms of the condition.