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Thu, 16 Sep 2021
The World for People who Think

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Gov. Whitmer refuses to throw Ring Of Power back into fires Of Mount Doom

whitmer ring of power
© The Babylon Bee
Governor Gretchen Whitmer is refusing to throw the Ring of Power back into Mount Doom, despite the Michigan Supreme Court ordering her to return it into the fires whence it came.

"Throw it into the fire! Destroy it!" shouted a judge sitting on the court, after leading Whitmer to the Cracks of Doom. "We can end this all right now!"

"Nooo! Not my precious!" Whitmer screamed as the state Supreme Court handed down the order to destroy the Ring. "Nasty, nasty Constitution! We don't likes it! Nasty, fat Founding Fathers!" She turned and left.

"No, Whitmer! It will be your undoing!" cried the judge.

The Ring betrayed Whitmer, of course, and she was found floating in the River Anduin with arrows in her back, as Governor Gavin Newsom sought to attain the Ring of Power for himself.


Girlfriend keeps referring to herself as 'wife-elect' despite no official confirmation from boyfriend

relationship boy girl frustrated.
Sources close to Winston Davis say he is "totally screwed" as his girlfriend Wendy Fitzpatrick keeps referring to herself as "Wife-Elect" at any and every public gathering with close family and friends. This awkward situation is happening to Winston despite no clear moment in time in which it ever entered his mind that Wendy was "the one" or that he was even getting close to asking her the question to make such an interim title even remotely appropriate.

"Uh, honey — " Winston could be heard starting to interject before Wendy went ahead and dialed up local caterers and contractors to make arrangements for the wedding, which was surely going to unify their two families who haven't always gotten along, and bring about a glorious time of family healing.

Wendy had even started delegating bridesmaids to begin getting fitted for dresses and unironically telling members of her family that she was setting up an "Office of the Wife-Elect."

"Yeah I feel bad for the guy," said Winston's best friend, Paul. "It's been an unhealthy codependent relationship from the beginning, but this recent turn of events is just pure cognitive dissonance."

"I keep telling him he needs to tell her straight up that an 'Office of Wife-Elect' isn't a real thing and that he never officially asked her to be his fiancé, but I think he is afraid that will just make her mad," Paul continued. "Like, there isn't even an engagement ring."

At publishing time, Wendy had set January 20th as the perfect date for the two to unite into one in a wonderful winter wedding for W+W.


First Covid vaccine trial participant gives it the thumbs up

Vaccine Trials
© Waterford Whispers
TRIAL patients who were administered the new Pfizer Covid-19 trial vaccine have today given it the toes up and urged people not to worry over any potential side effects that could arise from any hastily rushed to market injection.

"People have absolutely nothing to fear, it's safe as Irish house prices," trial patient and Irish man Donal Walsh told WWN, suddenly falling asleep for ten seconds before waking up again and asking. "Who are you? Is this Heavan? Where did I put my shoes for my hands?"

The vaccine, which was hailed as a miracle was created, trialed and tested in less than 10 months, is expected to be rolled out to the most vulnerable of people first - the elderly - before the manufacturer is happy enough to go full polio on the human race.

Magic Wand

After wiping out half the universe, Thanos calls for unity

After a lengthy campaign to wipe out half of all life in the universe, controversial environmental activist Thanos has called for humanity to come together, end their divisions, and unify.

The environmentalist activist gave a victory speech after accomplishing his plan to acquire the Infinity Stones, place them in a specially designed glove, and snap his fingers to end billions of lives.

"Now that I have destroyed half of all life in existence, it is time for unity," Thanos said in a speech Tuesday. "I know I treated you all as enemies and called for your total destruction, making it my life's mission to slaughter half the organic life in our reality. But now it is time for our universe to heal."

Stock Up

Experts call for 15 days of counting to flatten the curve of votes for Trump

flatten the curve
After a concerning spike in votes for Trump occurred on election night, experts are calling for 15 days of counting to flatten the curve of votes for the "wrong candidate."

While some scientists recommended just letting the votes for Trump be counted fairly until we all achieve herd immunity to Trump, others said we need to lock down the vote-counting places, and make sure no one can get inside, in order to kill off the virus of Trump.

"If we all band together and allow just 15 days of counting, we can flatten the curve of votes for Trump," said Dr. Fauci. "And we also advise Trump supporters to wear airtight masks. For, you know, science."

The CDC, WHO, and China are all backing the plan, saying it is "SCIENCE!" and anyone who is opposed to it is "ANTI-SCIENCE!" However, the CDC quickly reversed its support for the decision, then went back and supported it again, then did it again, etc.

At publishing time, the experts had revised their recommendation to at least 8 months of counting to flatten the curve.

Chart Pie

Study finds Babylon Bee more accurate than 100% of pollsters

babylon bee polster
A startling new study has found that The Babylon Bee, the world's greatest news site, is more accurate in its predictions than 100% of pollsters. In a review of all predictions made by The Babylon Bee and political statisticians over the last four years, experts found the Christian news site to be more accurate, reliable, and infallible than every professional pollster who has ever predicted anything related to politics.

"This is inconceivable," said Nate Silver as he furiously punched numbers into his calculator. "I'm really good at numbers and everyone knows the discipline of statistics is the only real way to discern the future and make predictions. There's literally no other source of truth in the world except math!"

The Babylon Bee implements a little-known method of studying ancient wisdom, divine truth, and human nature to make flawless predictions of what will happen in the future with a success rate of 100%.


Biden polling well among Pentecostals after he speaks in tongues

Pentecostals across the nation are swinging toward Biden after an event at Dallas High School in Pennsylvania. According to stunned witnesses, Biden became filled with the Spirit and uttered the incomprehensible word "trunalimunumaprzure" toward the end of his speech.

"Man -- I was leaning toward Trump," said local Assemblies of God pastor Chet Whipperton. "But Biden really brought the fire today. I haven't seen an outpouring like that since Trump tweeted the mysterious angelic phrase 'covfefe.' I haven't decided for sure, but Biden is looking pretty good after today."

Pentecostal scholars have asked for someone with the spiritual gift of interpretation to step forward and translate the mysterious phrase "trunalimunumaprzure" so the world may understand Biden's mysterious utterances.


Report: Lots of yelling at each other expected to fix things any day now

woman yelling
It is a contentious time in this country, with a sharp partisan divide and extremists committing acts of violence, but a number of people have stumbled upon what they think could be the answer: lots of yelling at each other.

"Loud yelling really is the answer," said concerned citizen Clayton Pearson. "And it's not just the volume of the yelling but also the content. It should be full of anger. And the target is anyone on the opposite side of me, politically. If I express that I'm even angrier now at people I already didn't like, that will finally engender change."

But actual yelling isn't the only tactic people have settled on. A big part of the answer to our problem -- perhaps even the biggest part -- is virtual yelling online. "If I type enough angry things online to show how frustrated I am with the state of things -- and especially with people who don't share my politics -- that's going to finally turn this country around," explained online activist Larry Garrett. Garrett had been using the Shift key extensively to help express the level of his displeasure, but that had been slowing him down. He recently discovered the Caps Lock -- a key that's much like Shift being held down automatically -- which is speeding up his process of expressing anger and should lead even more quickly to positive outcomes.

It has been pointed out that many of these people were already constantly yelling at people, so it's not certain how this "new" effort is going to lead to a different outcome. "Now we're yelling even louder," activist Vicki Craig explained, "and are even angrier." It's uncertain if they've finally reached the volume and anger level needed to fix things, but both of those measures are expected to increase in the coming week, hopefully reaching the correct level before Election Day.


Girl Scouts introducing 'Peaceful Protest' badge for girls who throw their first Molotov cocktail

molotov cocktail merit badge girl scouts
© The Babylon Bee
The first merit badge for budding anarchists
After literally dozens of people demanded it on Twitter, The Girl Scouts of the USA announced today a new badge: the Peaceful Protest badge, awarded to girls who demonstrate mastery over throwing a Molotov cocktail.

When a Girl Scout has thrown a Molotov cocktail through the window of a business or home to the satisfaction of her troop leader, she will be granted the badge to wear on her vest. It's available to Scouts of all ages, from Daisies and Brownies all the way up to Ambassadors.

"One of the core values of the Scouts is training our girls to be engaged with their communities and politically active," said a Girl Scouts spokesperson. "We hope this will incentivize our gals to peacefully demonstrate by burning down entire neighborhoods."

"Girl power!"

Other badges will include a badge for looting a Target in the name of social justice, a badge for changing your profile picture to a black square, and a badge for caving to public pressure on social media.


The most dangerous disease in the world

JP Sears
© YouTube/AwakenwithJP (screen capture)
In this video, learn all about the most dangerous disease in the world, intelligence. You'll understand what you need to do to help slow the spread of this disease. If we all work together and follow the proper social guidelines, we can rid the world of intelligence once and for all.