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Fri, 07 Oct 2022
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Smiley

Sources allege Trump stole plans revealing White House's thermal exhaust port

trump star wars classified documents death star
© The Babylon Bee
Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump's residence were the top secret plans to the White House. These plans are said to reveal the building's only weakness: a thermal exhaust port only 2 meters wide.

"It's impossible to overstate just how close we came to losing our fully armed and operational Washington D.C.," said FBI Director Wray. "A direct hit from an AR-15 on the thermal exhaust port on the southeast corner of the White House roof would set off a chain reaction that would destroy the entire District of Columbia."

Sources also claimed that since Trump's sons had extensive experience bulls-eyeing baby elephants in Africa that are no larger than 2 meters, it was only a matter of time before "insurrectionist scum" made a move to destroy the entire facility.

"Just think — Washington D.C. could have been destroyed!" said Director Wray. "The FBI just saved Washington D.C.!" Reports confirmed that FBI approval plunged another 12 points after Wray's statement.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Trump also had possession of the One Ring, which is now being safely returned to the nation's capital.

Smiley

Clever parents dress son up as a girl on first day of school so teachers will show him how to be a boy

boy dressed girl school transgender
Local parents Cindy and Bob Conners have devised a clever plan to protect their son from gender indoctrination at school. During the first week, they are dressing up their 7-year-old son as a girl so that teachers will encourage him to challenge gender stereotypes and act like a boy.

"You gotta play 4D Chess with these teachers," said Mr. Conners. "I'm hoping this trick will ensure our son is still a son at the end of the school year."

Sources say thousands of parents around the country are employing tricks to protect their impressionable youngsters from gender indoctrination and grooming — including cross-dressing their kids, attaching microphones to listen in to student/teacher conversations, and even homeschooling.

"Sending kids to school these days is like throwing chum to a frenzy of hungry sharks," said Mrs. Connors. "They don't even learn math and reading anymore. Now that I think about it, why are we even still doing this school thing? I forget."

At publishing time, the boy's teacher — who thought he was a girl — groomed him back to being a boy. Unfortunately, the boy now identifies as "two-spirit."

Smiley

Climate change is real! Here are 10 undeniable proofs

seasons weather climate change
© WBGH.org
As we swelter in the dog days of summer, even crotchety ol' Grandpa Silas is starting to wonder if there might be something to this "climate change" thing after all. Well, we here at The Babylon Bee dug into the research and - to our great shock - ended up discovering ten absolutely undeniable proofs that climate change is real. Read 'em and weep, climate denier!
  1. It is hot. - If you go outside and it's a bit toasty, you can't deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
  2. It is cold. - If you go outside and it's a bit nippy, you can't deny it any longer: the climate is changing.
  3. It is raining. - Rain is absolute proof of climate change.
  4. It is not raining. - A lack of rain is absolute proof of climate change.
  5. It's a pleasant day. - A nice day outside? In Minnesota? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
  6. It's not a pleasant day. - A not-so-nice day outside? In California? CLIMATE. CHANGE.
  7. It's snowing. - It has literally never snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
  8. It's not snowing. - It has literally never not snowed before cars were invented. Climate change!
  9. It is summer. - When it's summer, it's hot, proving the climate is changing.
  10. It is winter. - When it's winter, it's cold, proving the climate is changing.
Was your mind changed? We hope so. Now give the government hundreds of billions of dollars to solve this problem, as they've done such a great job with everything else.

Smiley

Widow with no children living at home urged to downsize from 240 bedroom house

Buckingham palace
© Waterford Whispers News
AMID a housing shortage in the UK, one widow has been urged by her local council to consider downsizing as part of a wider effort to free up houses for young families, WWN has learned.

Elizabeth Windsor, one of the worst land horders in all of the UK is understood to be living alone in the 775 room, 240 bedroom building which if sold could go some way to easing the accommodation woes of many Londoners.

A letter seen by WWN addressed to Miss Windsor implores her to vacate her 240 bedroom mansion and consider a nice duplex in a retirement community outside Brighton among other options.

"It is incumbent of the council to point out that no 96-year-old needs that much fucking room. While we understand your claims that your children are like leeches and would be lost without you, selling the property and downsizing could also provide them with a small windfall," read one of the nicer sections of the letter.

Magic Hat

Is CERN causing collective mass delusion by creating portals to alternate dimensions? an investigation

train
© RONALD PATRICK/GETTY IMAGES
Cynthia Sue Larson has been on the lookout since July 5, when CERN turned the world's most powerful particle collider back on for a third time. Larson is looking for "reality shifts and Mandela Effects," or evidence of multiple universes, timelines, rips in the space-time continuum, or other evidence that reality as we know it has been distorted by the Large Hadron Collider.

"I've been paying attention to see whether reports of Mandela Effects might increase, now that CERN's Large Hadron Collider fired back up again," Larson, the author of Reality Shifts and Quantum Jumps, told Motherboard. "So far I've not yet noticed large-scale reports of new Mandela Effects in the past day or so, though it does seem there is a large and growing interest in the Mandela Effect."

CERN has noticed.

Smiley

Kamala Harris speechwriter leaves administration for new writing gig on Sesame Street

kamala harris sesame street
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job. Sabrina Singh, Harris' current deputy press secretary and main speechwriter, has been poached by Sesame Street to write speeches for them instead.

"I'm at a point in my career where I need to grow and be challenged and that's not going to happen here with Vice President Harris. I want to move into the big leagues and start writing for legends like Big Bird, and Bert and Ernie," said Singh. "With Sesame Street, I'll be writing more intricately crafted speeches for an audience that simply won't tolerate rambling, incoherent gibberish."

"We've had our eye on Kamala's speech writer for some time," said a Sesame Street spokesperson. "The way she effortlessly puts together a speech that's obviously intended for children, using small, simple words and overused repetition — we knew we had our new Elmo writer. Frankly, we didn't even know it was possible to make our puppets say 'work together' that many times in one paragraph."

According to sources, Kamala has responded to the situation by laughing nervously in a corner for hours on end. Top Democrats fear that Kamala may now try to write her own speeches.

At publishing time, the Biden Administration hoped to hire the writing team from Dora the Explorer to write speeches for Kamala, but they rejected the offer following Dr. Jill Biden's comments calling Dora a breakfast taco.

Megaphone

We demand that NASA rename its homophobic James Webb Space Telescope. Now!!!!!

James Webb Space Telescope
© BIGSTOCK
James Webb Space Telescope looking at galaxies.
We have all been dazzled by the first images coming to us from the James Webb Space Telescope, whose deep infrared eyes are lighting up obscure corners of the universe in breathtaking colour and clarity.

But it's time to stop being dazzled and to start being offended.

James Webb may have served in the US Marine Corps, held a senior role at the State Department, and been appointed by President John F. Kennedy as Administrator of NASA during the heyday of the space race. What really matters, however, is that Webb lived in the homophobic 1950s and may even have been homophobic himself.

Rumours of Communist infiltration of the American government during that era made the US fearful that homosexual employees could be blackmailed by the Soviets on the basis of their taboo lifestyle. This was known as the "Lavender Scare", and it led to the sacking of gay members of the civil service.

Comment: Yes, yes it is. And by that token, so are computers. We must cancel them too.


NPC

A Quick Burn - Barrier Breaking

Barrier breaking people.


Comment: Very Monty Pythonesque.


Eye 1

Woke employees shut down 'queer-owned' business for being insufficiently woke

Kate Egghart Sonam Parikh
A cafe in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, permanently closed its doors after the employees protested the restaurant was perpetrating "anti-blackness, ableism" and "hostility," according to social media posts from the cafe and its employees.

Mina's World, known as Philadelphia's first cafe for queer and trans people of color, closed and was listed for sale due to a lack of funds, an Instagram post showed. The announcement comes after employees of Mina's World revolted against ownership, calling themselves victims of "systemic employer oppression" and "anti-blackness" from the owners Kate Egghart and Sonam Parikh in an Instagram post on June 14.

The employees listed demands including "public acknowledgment and accountability for grievances and harm caused" in an Instagram post. Once the cafe was posted for sale by Egghart's mother, the employees' Instagram account called the listing "violence" and began a GoFundMe to raise funds to buy the building.

Smiley

Disaster in Saudi Arabia as Biden keeps asking to meet Jafar

Brandon in Saudi Arabia
© Babylon Bee
SAUDI ARABIA — President Biden's trip to Saudi Arabia got off to a rocky start, as Biden repeatedly asked the Crown Prince if he could meet Jafar.

"So are you really, really sure you're not Jafar?" asked President Biden as he sat down with Mohammed bin Salman. "Well, maybe you can rub your magic lamp for me and then tell the genie my wish is to see Jafar! Wait, you don't even have a magic lamp? What kind of joke is this?! Come on, man!"