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Mon, 01 Mar 2021
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Journalists cheer as Jen Psaki announces the gulags will be run by a woman of color

jen psaki
Journalists around the nation erupted in boisterous cheers when White House Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, announced that the gulags will be run by a woman of color.

The announcement came as a result of an unscripted moment when a reporter relayed to Psaki a question from a concerned citizen back home, "What is President Biden doing for my small business?"

Psaki didn't miss a beat showing how clearly prepared she was for such a hard-hitting question.

Smiley

Biden defends Hitler's concentration camps: 'Nazi Germany just had different norms'

joe biden
In a recent presidential town hall on CNN, Biden appeared to excuse the treatment of Jews in Hitler's concentration camps due to "differences in cultural norms."

"Listen, folks-- I was just on the phone with Adolf and I was like, 'Hey, man! You know that whole thing with the camps? You and I may not see eye to eye on those things. That's OK, Jack! Different norms!'"

"The thing that struck me about President Biden's town hall -- aside from a few completely innocent and harmless missteps -- is just how empathetic and compassionate our new president is," said CNN Anchor Don Lemon. "Frankly, I would rather have a president who defends concentration camps with compassion than one who attacks them with a mean and nasty tone. That's really what matters here."

Smiley

Side hustle: Babylon Bee awards staff writing position to Joe Biden - 'it's more efficient'

Joe Biden

The Bee's newest staffer
The Bible tells us to work smarter, not harder. Or, better yet, don't work at all if you can help it. You can look it up. It's in the Proverbs somewhere.

That's why we're announcing today that we will simply be republishing everything Joe Biden says word for word rather than spending a lot of time and effort writing satire.

We at The Babylon Bee realized we were spending all this time trying to satirize Joe Biden when, frankly, he just can't be satirized. He's doing all the hard work for us with statements like "You ain't black!" and, of gun violence, that "150 million people have been killed since 2007."

Every day is a real grind when we arrive at the sprawling Babylon Bee headquarters, settle in on our throne of Chick-fil-A sandwiches, and boot up the ol' PC to check what Biden said over the past 24 hours. We're tired of trying to out-parody things like "I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun and the kids used to reach in the pool and rub my leg down and watch the hair come back up again" and "Corn Pop was a bad dude."

Like, what do you do with that? Seriously. Go ahead. Try to satirize it. Anything you do just doesn't have that perfect mix of absurdity and reality that makes satire work so effective at communicating truth. So we're throwing in the towel.

We'd also like to take this opportunity to thank Joe Biden for being such a great satirical performance artist. You're the real hero, Joe. The people really need comedy in a time like this, and you're doing a great job. Keep it up!

Finally, laugh at these hilarious Babylon Bee headlines from our new best satirist, Joe Biden:
  • Biden: 'Poor Kids Are Just As Bright As White Kids'
  • Joe Biden Says All Men And Women Are Created By You Know The Thing
  • Presidential Candidate Nibbles On His Wife's Fingers
  • Joe Biden: 'I'm Going To Beat Joe Biden'
  • 'Go To Joe 30330' Says Joe
  • Biden Tells Campaign Rally 'We Choose Truth Over Facts'
  • Joe Biden Calls Iowa Man 'Fat' And A '[FLOWERBED] Liar'
You can look forward to lots more content coming from your new favorite Babylon Bee writer any moment now.

Smiley

Secret Service puts finishing touches on Biden's presidential scooter, 'Chair Force One'

Biden scooter white house
© The Babylon Bee
Chair Force One
As part of the transition to a new administration, the Secret Service is working hard to make the White House safe and secure for the incoming 78-year-old president. One of the most important pieces of hardware in the White House will be Biden's presidential scooter, affectionately dubbed "Chair Force One."

"This will be one of the most advanced pieces of geriatric technology the world has ever seen," said Secret Service Director James Murray. "With the ability to go from 0 to 3 miles per hour in 12 seconds, it will completely encase Mr. Biden in a shell of bulletproof glass as he sits in the back seat and a trained agent drives him around. It's also equipped with Life Alert technology and a handy basket for his daily meds."

Sources say the technological marvel of handicap design will also have built-in teleprompters to help Biden know what words he's supposed to say next during everyday conversation.

"So, you go ahead and stack spaghetti sauce at a store and a supermarket," said Biden, visibly excited about the new scooter. "You control the guy or the woman who runs the ... or brings out the carts on a forklift. What happened?"

He then growled at the Secret Service agent driving him around and growled "GET OFF MY CHAIR!" before kicking the poor agent out of his seat and to the ground.

Arrow Down

Jacinda Ardern calls to nuke New Zealand after UK variant found - 'It's the only way'

Jacinda Ardern
© Waterford Whispers
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has ordered the army to source nuclear bombs from somewhere and detonate them in key locations in a last-ditch attempt to wipe out covid-19 for good, WWN has learned.

The new measure comes after three people were found to be infected with the highly contagious UK variant, initially forcing the PM to call a 72-hour lockdown, before then issuing an all-out nuclear strike.

"It's the only way to beat the virus," the 40-year-old leader told citizens in an emotional televised address, showing a map where strategically placed nuclear weapons will have to be detonated. "This will be quick and painless for all of us, but more importantly, it will stop covid-19 for good which will be a massive win for us in the long run".

Yoda

Trump's power doubles after absorbing impeachment attack!

Trump
© Unknown
'DoubleTroubleTrump'
"It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!"

Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile.

"Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue as she was filled with all the power of every outraged progressive across the land.

"Impeachment attack, go!!!" she cried as she unleashed a blue energy beam at Trump's chest -- a desperate, final gambit to impeach him forever and remove him from office.

But Pelosi was horrified as Trump only absorbed the attack, feeding on its power.

"Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he cackled as he gained more and more power from the impeachment attack. "Foolish mortals! Every attack only makes me stronger!"

Trump then drew on all his newfound power to create chaos at the Iowa primaries, cause himself to be acquitted, and force Pelosi to have a mental breakdown, all in the same week. Unfortunately, he then tweeted something dumb, his only weakness. But Democrats then responded to his dumb tweet with even dumber stuff, causing his power to grow even more!

Comment: An undisputed 'first'! Trump has now achieved the unique title of 'Most Acquitted'!
President Donald Trump made history once again today after being acquitted in his second Senate impeachment trial. He is now the most acquitted president in American history.

Donald Trump issued a statement regarding this incredible honor:
"I have been completely and totally cleared of all wrongdoing in this pathetic witch hunt sham impeachment trial. I am now the most acquitted president ever -- even more than Clinton. No president has ever been acquitted more than I have. Will I get the credit? Probably not, because of the fake news media. I am looking forward to continuing our MAGA movement together for many more acquittals to come!"
According to sources, Republican Senators cheered and high-fived each other, knowing they had just outsmarted all the Democrats into bestowing such an unprecedented badge of honor on the former president.

"Oh no! What have we done?!" wailed Senator Amy Klobuchar, suddenly realizing the Senate had given Trump yet another impressive world record, making him the subject of trivia questions for the next two centuries.

According to sources, Clinton will be handing over his giant gold "most acquitted ever" trophy to Trump in Mar-a-Lago next week.



Smiley

'I'm not a cat': When Zoom filters go wrong

zoom filter cat court hearing
© Lawrence Hurley/Twitter
Screen capture of Zoom court hearing gone awry.
A lawyer in Texas became a viral sensation on Tuesday after accidentally activating a cat filter during a court hearing over Zoom.

Footage of the incident, which went viral on Twitter, shows attorney Rod Ponton struggling to deactivate the filter while appearing as a young feline.

Judge Roy B. Ferguson can be overheard attempting to help Ponton, to no avail.

"Mr. Ponton, I believe you have a filter turned on in your video settings," Ferguson says.

In perhaps the best moment of the video, Ponton attempts to reassure the judge that he is in fact not a cat.

"I've got my assistant here, and she's trying to remove it but uh... I'm prepared to go forward with it," Ponton says. "I'm here live. I'm not a cat."

The video has already been viewed more than 1.6 million times and counting.

Smiley

New Disney job posting: Looking for strong, fierce women who are also obedient, submissive, and docile

careno disney twitter job careno fired
© The Babylon Bee
Disney is eager to fill their job vacancy after firing Gina Carano from the Mandalorian after she was outed as a kind, decent person as well as a mouthy female who speaks her mind too much. Determined not to make the same mistake again, Disney is being much more specific with their job descriptions.

"We need brave, strong, and independent role models that girls can look up to!" said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. "But she's also gotta be extremely submissive, easily controlled, and totally subservient. We can't afford to have another woman out here speaking her mind!"

"At Disney, we tell stories of hope, courage, and rebellion against all-powerful empires, but that nonsense is all for show," he continued. "What we actually care about is women who will regurgitate all of our politically correct talking points and approved messages."

"I'll watch anything made by Disney. Who cares that they praise brutal communist regimes that imprison Uighurs and cancel conservative women — I just want more Baby Yoda!" said eager fan Adam Harrington. "In fact, the more mindless puppets the better!"

"She got what she deserved," said one critic on Twitter. "What did she expect after using her platform to stand for what she believes in? What does she think this is? A Disney movie?!"

Disney has now updated their listing to look for a woman who's fierce, but only when commanded, smart, but not smart enough to scare the men, and preferably strong, but not strong enough to beat up the whole studio.

Clipboard

The Babylon Bee Guide To Being Woke

woke guide
Brought to you by: Woke Fragility (a parody!): Bringing Moderates to Heel

Being "woke" is very important in order to show the world you're a good person, and also to avoid having your entire life wrecked by a Twitter mob!

In order to achieve success and respect from all the good woke people -- which is the most important thing you can achieve in life -- you need to learn how to be properly woke! Here is our definitive guide:

Magic Wand

To prove cancel culture doesn't exist, Disney fires actress who condemned cancel culture

Gina Corano
In order to silence the dangerous idea that cancel culture is real, Disney cut ties with actress Gina Carano yesterday after she posted memes on social media that suggested cancel culture is bad and also that it exists.

"Cancel culture is just an alt-right conspiracy theory, so we must cancel this actress who suggested it is real," said Kathleen Kennedy. "We are distancing ourselves from this dangerous idea by canceling the woman who perpetrated it."

According to Lucasfilm, Carano was given the opportunity to grovel, promise to do better, renounce her beliefs, and agree to undergo 8 weeks in a Disney reeducation camp if she wished to keep her job. When she refused, she was let go.

Comment: See also: