Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


NY Bus Converted Into Oven for Matzos

SPRING VALLEY, N.Y. - The first hint that something was amiss came in the middle of the night when the neighbor called to report a smell of smoke. Police investigated and found the blaze, but it wasn't your typical fire.


Latte-a-day scandal: Mormons object to angelic java T-shirt

TAYLORSVILLE, Utah - For a coffee shop, T-shirts of a Mormon angel with java flowing into his trumpet are selling well. But they don't have the blessing of religious leaders.

The shirts have upset the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Not only is Moroni a revered figure - Mormons believe he appeared to church founder Joseph Smith - but LDS members are discouraged from drinking coffee.


Satire: Scientists To Invent Some New Things

A team of scientists - including a selection of boffins and eggheads - are to invent some totally new things by the year 8005. Amongst the things to be invented are a car which can run on used beard-clippings, a telescope able to see into the human mind and a box for keeping atoms in.

Prof. Brainstorm Quantum of The University Of Europe, a leading expert on knowledge, explained "we are working on some devices which will be able to do things which can't be done now. At this very moment, a group of us are experimenting with at least five contraptions and a gizmo, and hope to have a working model of a sort of machine up and running by next year. Maybe."


Department of Homeland Security has plan for new HQ in lunatic asylum

WASHINGTON, - The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is setting up its new HQ in a former lunatic asylum.

Comment: They should feel right at home.

Black Cat

Wisconsin fire marshal resigns after consulting online psychics

A Wisconsin fire marshal who admitted consulting online psychics at work didn't need a crystal ball to tell him it was time to resign.

Tom Weber, a 22-year fire veteran, was put on administrative leave nine months ago after he was accused of asking an online psychic on a department computer whether he and others would be successful in removing Middleton's fire chief.


Mouse absconds with Maine man's dentures

Never underestimate a mouse's determination. There's a mouse in Bill Exner's house that he says he has captured three times. Each time, the mouse escaped, and the last time the rodent made off with his lower dentures.

Exner, 68, said he and his wife Shirley scoured his bedroom after the dentures disappeared from his night stand.

"We moved the bed, moved the dressers and the night stand and tore the closet apart," he said. "I said, 'I knew that little stinker stole my teeth' - I just knew it."

Bizarro Earth

Pensioner picks up wrong grandson

A short-sighted Croatian pensioner sparked a police manhunt when he mistakenly picked up another boy instead of his grandson from a kindergarten.

Luka Karlovic, 70, arrived at a kindergarten in Zagreb to pick up his five-year-old grandson Petar.

But when an employee called for the boy to come and meet his grandfather another Petar stepped forward, and Karlovic drove off with him.


Save the planet: Stop cow burps!

Cut down on flying, sell the car and recycle your bottles. But if you really want to tackle global warming, you should stop your cow from burping.

According to scientific estimates, the methane gas produced by cows is responsible for 4% of greenhouse gas emissions. And now, German scientists have invented a pill to cut bovine burping.

The fist-sized plant-based pill, known as a bolus, combined with a special diet and strict feeding times, is meant to reduce the methane produced by cows.

Evil Rays

God-fearing villagers snub "satanic" bar codes

MOSCOW - A hundred residents of a Russian village have refused to switch to new passports because they believe the documents' bar codes contain satanic symbols, state television reported on Wednesday.


Millionaire gives mansions to homeless

HONOLULU - Dorie-Ann Kahale and her five daughters moved from a homeless shelter to a mansion Thursday, courtesy of a Japanese real estate mogul who is handing over eight of his multimillion-dollar homes to low-income Native Hawaiian families.