Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S

Smiley

Klaus Schwab retires to spend more time with his lizard family on Planet Zarkon VII

Chief Lizard
© The Babylon Bee
DAVOS โ€” An upcoming change of the global guard began today, as longtime leader of the World Economic Forum Klaus Schwab announced he was retiring to spend more time with his lizard family on the planet Zarkon VII.

Having met many of his important goals in the area of world domination and the destruction of freedom around the world, Schwab made the decision to step down from his throne made of human skulls and return to his homeworld, where he will live out the remainder of his life watching the plans he set in motion on Earth come to fruition.

Smiley

White House installs breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone

kmala harris microphone breathalyzer satire
© The Babylon Bee
To avoid further embarrassment from bewildering and offensive speeches, White House officials have installed a breathalyzer on Kamala Harris's microphone.

The decision was reportedly made in a closed-door meeting in which top administration advisers elected to equip her with a microphone that won't turn on unless she tests free of mind-altering drugs, and below the blood alcohol concentration threshold of 0.08%,

"Hopefully this will help us avoid more disaster," said one White House insider. "We've just been going into these speeches blind. Everything will seem to be going smoothly, then all of a sudden she's up there slurring her speech, dropping F-bombs, and laughing like a serial killer. Installing the breathalyzer will mitigate some of the risk involved with giving her a live mic."

"We've been through enough," the insider said. "We've got to do something. Handing her a microphone is just rolling the dice and hoping she doesn't start a war. She either spouts gibberish or she starts insulting the audience and cursing. There's no in-between. We're desperate here."

At publishing time, the White House had also confirmed they had started giving President Biden a microphone that doesn't work at all.

Arrow Down

"I used the blood spilled by British Empire to get the reds" Charles portraitist explains

Charles Portrait
© Waterford Whispers News
UNVEILING a portrait of Britain's King Charles which is set to fuel the nightmares of millions of people around the world, the artist behind the poor imitation of the painting in Ghostbuster's II has spoken on the labour intensive process which brought the portrait to life.

"I thought it was a nice nod to the royal family and British history," said painter Jonathan Yeo, who conjured up the evocative and distinctive reds in the portrait by using the vats of blood from those slain in the name of the royal family which are stored in the basements of several royal palaces.

Chart Bar

Latest polls show Biden will need twice as many fake ballots to win election this year

trump polls lead
As former President Donald Trump continued to build a sizeable lead in a majority of swing states, the latest polls suggest President Joe Biden would need twice as many fake ballots to win the election this year.

The startling poll results presented the Biden campaign with a sobering reminder that the standard number of fake ballots used in previous election years needed to be increased significantly for him to win again in November.

"We've got to double our target number of fake votes this year," said a Biden campaign insider under the condition of anonymity. "In previous years, we could just coast by with the standard quota of shenanigans, but this year, we've got to increase our production of hijinx and substantially raise the output of malarky."

Smiley

Dead worm found in RFK Jr.'s brain polls higher than Biden in 11 States

worm rfk brain biden poll satire
© The Babylon Bee
Following the revelation that a deadly parasite was once removed from his skull, political experts were shocked to learn that the dead worm found in Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s brain was already polling higher than Joe Biden in 11 states.

The latest poll results indicated a large portion of the electorate had abandoned Biden in favor of the deceased parasite that had previously been lodged in RFK Jr.'s brain, leaving the White House scrambling to formulate a strategy to combat the dead worm.

"We weren't expecting to see numbers like these," said one high-ranking Biden campaign strategist under the condition of anonymity. "We considered the fact that Joe would struggle up against living competition, but seeing him fall behind a worm that isn't even alive is a huge red flag. We're really fighting an uphill battle here. And, from what I've heard, you never want to fight uphill."

A campaign team had already begun to coalesce around the dead brain worm, believing it to be the most viable candidate on the left to provide an alternative to Biden. "Brain Worm 2024!" shouted one excited campaign staffer. "Why risk another four years under a failed Biden administration when you can take a stand for a brighter, more prosperous future with a dead brain worm at the helm?"

At publishing time, rumors had begun swirling that the dead worm from RFK Jr.'s brain was in discussions to name the fly that landed on Mike Pence during a debate as its running mate.

Smiley

Trump forced to wear Hannibal Lecter muzzle for gag order violations

Hannibal Trump
© The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK โ€” Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Monday during his hush money trial for a record tenth time, compelling the judge to force the defendant to wear a restraining mask made popular by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

"Try violating this gag order, punk!" impartial and incorruptible Judge Juan Merchan said as he signaled the bailiff to muzzle the former president.

"You'll never silence me, me boys!" Trump reportedly said as his freedom of speech was cut off by an unsightly mask.

Several in the court expressed concern that the mask only prevents biting, but still allows talking. "It won't even keep him quiet! What's the point of this thing?" said a spokesperson for the prosecution.

Smiley

New York DA indicts Trump for bringing firefighters pizza but no salad or cheesy bread

Trump and Pizza
© The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK โ€” Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by the New York District Attorney for allegedly bringing firefighters pizza but without a house salad or cheesy bread.

"After a lengthy day in court, former President Trump personally delivered pizzas to New York firefighters without a single leaf of salad or some cheesy bread," declared District Attorney Alvin Bragg. "For the sake of our democracy, he must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and then a bit futher."

According to sources close to the investigation, Trump allegedly attempted to feed firefighters without any sides to accompany the delicious fresh pizza. "Has Trump no decency, no shame?" cried MSNBC's Joe Scarborough as he played clips of firefighters shaking Trump's hand. "Look at those firefighters being bamboozled by this charlatan. Not a crouton in sight! Lock him up! Lock him up!"

Smiley

US House votes to protect every country not named the United States

house vote Ukraine funding
In a landmark bipartisan vote, the U.S. House of Representatives has voted to protect every country in the entire world, as long as that country isn't named the United States.

"Huzzah! We've done it!" Exclaimed Democrats and Republicans as they tearfully hugged each other. "Every single nation on the planet can enjoy the total protection of the United States military! Except the United States. We didn't have time to add that to the bill. Maybe later."

The representatives then joyfully called their defense lobbyist donors to tell them the happy news.

"We are proud to fulfill our sacred duty to all the nations everywhere," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "Our military now stands at the ready to protect Brazil, India, Australia, Canada, Japan, Germany, Egypt, Mexico, Nigeria, Russia, Italy, Argentina, France, Turkey, South Africa, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, Spain, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Vietnam, Philippines, Pakistan, South Korea, Bangladesh, Colombia, Poland, Ukraine, Netherlands, Iraq, Belgium, Sweden, Switzerland, Israel, Portugal, Norway, Austria, United Arab Emirates, Malaysia, Venezuela, Nepal, Greece, Czech Republic, Hungary, Denmark, Finland, Ireland, New Zealand, Singapore, Romania, Chile, Algeria, Morocco, Peru, Ecuador, Angola, Sudan, Tunisia, Bolivia, Afghanistan, Yemen, Mozambique, Syria, Cambodia, Zimbabwe, Jordan, Rwanda, Somalia, Haiti, Madagascar, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Serbia, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Slovenia, Kosovo, Georgia, Uruguay, Paraguay, Papua New Guinea, Libya, Qatar, Kuwait, Oman, Bahrain, Trinidad and Tobago, Mauritius, Fiji, Cyprus, Luxembourg, Malta, Iceland, Maldives, Brunei, Guyana, Suriname, and Djibouti."

"Did I leave anyone out? Hm... no, I think that's everyone that matters."

At publishing time, an amendment to add the United States to the bill was shot down.

Smiley

NPR suspends journalist, leading to shocking discovery there was a journalist at NPR

NPR Uri Berliner satire
© The Babylon BeeUri Berliner worked for 25 years at NPR, while avoiding discovery that he was actually a journalist
A journalist and senior editor at National Public Radio has been suspended, leading to the astounding revelation that there was a journalist working at NPR.

Uri Berliner, who has worked at the taxpayer-funded media organization for 25 years, was suspended after he recently wrote an essay exposing how NPR had lost all trust among the nation's public.

"Wow, they had a real journalist at NPR? That's news to me!" said one member of the astonished nation's public. "I thought they were just mellow voices on the radio that told me in a matter-of-fact, upper-crust, college-educated manner what Leftist narrative I was supposed to believe about any given story."

"He was there all that time?" asked one mom from Ohio. "And to think โ€” all this time I thought that they just sat around waiting for Obama and George Soros to tell them what to write. Who knew there was one guy there trying to actually understand and report on factual events in the world? Well, good for that guy."

According to polling data from The National Trust In Media Institute, these sentiments resonated with 90% of Americans who agreed with the statement "NPR's role was to be a news organization that tells you what you are allowed to think about a wide range of stories, including the origin of covid and lab leak theories, the authenticity of the Hunter Biden laptop, and the fault of Israel in any Middle-eastern conflict."

"Out of 87 editors in our D.C. office there were 0 Republicans," wrote Uri before being suspended for pointing out how NPR had zero viewpoint diversity.

At publishing time, National Public Radio reassured the nation that they were still committed to transparent, impartial Leftist journalism.

Smiley

Biden throws tantrum after being called from beach just because World War 3 starting

Biden beach vacation satire
President Biden reportedly lashed out in anger at aides after they interrupted his beach vacation for the potential start of World War 3.

"You interrupted my beach nap...for this?" screamed Biden as he looked at images of Iranian military strikes. "Ugh, what do my generals even do? This is ridiculous."

According to Pentagon sources, with American jets on ready near Israel and ships prepared to help shoot down Iranian missiles, they unfortunately had no choice but to bother President Biden. "We know he really hates when we call him during his beach trips, but sadly a massive war may be starting and he's technically supposed to be here," explained Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "Obviously, we would all prefer to let him enjoy his vacation, but unfortunately World Wars do require the President to sign a few things."