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Thu, 23 Mar 2023
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Smiley

Biden assures Americans their bank deposits are safe in Ukraine

biden satire
© The Babylon Bee
"Trust me. I was raised in a family of Afro-Irish-Puerto Rican, elite, working-class bankers!"
Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.

"Folks don't worry. Due to the decisive actions of this administration, everyone's money is safe in Ukraine," said Biden. "I withdrew all the money and shipped it over there last night myself! My son Hunter personally supervised the transfer! That's leadership! I'm sure the Ukrainians will put your money to good use by buying bazookas and paying the pensions of government officials. I will take no questions at this time."

Biden then did an about-face and spent 15 minutes trying to walk out of the room as he couldn't find the door.

Americans are being assured to wait until the war in Ukraine is over and they pay us back before making any large withdrawals.

At publishing time, 12 more banks had collapsed during Biden's speech.

Smiley

Manhattan DA Bragg announces plan to get Trump elected in 2024

trump satire
© The Babylon Bee
Trump: "It's a good plan, it's the best plan. I couldn't have done better myself."
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.

"I will stop at absolutely nothing to put Trump back in the White House where he belongs," said Mr. Bragg. "I'm about to charge up his base like you've never seen!"

Mr. Bragg had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. "Check and mate, libs," laughed Mr. Bragg as he pulled on a MAGA hat. "I've already put in my request to be Trump's Transportation Secretary, I hear it's super easy. 2024, here we come!"

After lawyers of every political allegiance agreed there was no criminal case against Trump over hush money paid during his 2016 campaign, Mr. Bragg knew taking the hopeless case was his big chance. "The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking - what more could the Trump campaign ask for?" said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "Mr. Bragg might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He's playing chess while the rest of us are out here playing checkers."

At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis was wondering what sort of crime he needed to be indicted for to keep pace with Trump.

Ambulance

Hilarious! Elon Musk triggers angry old man Olbermann with tweet

keith olbermann elon musk
© ODD ANDERSEN/AFP via Getty Images and Chris Sorensen for The Washington Post via Getty Images
Olbermann tries to get Musk banned from Twitter, which Musk owns.

Elon Musk managed to once again live under the skin of leftist news anchor turned demented shouty old man Keith Olbermann, after the Twitter CEO stated that Jacob Chansley, the so called "QAnon Shaman," had been "falsely portrayed in the media as a violent criminal."

Musk first tweeted this:


Smiley

Democrats warn that anyone watching unedited Jan 6 tapes could arrive at 'unapproved' conclusions

chuck schumer

Keeping America safe!
Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn't been approved by Democrat leaders.

"This is a very dangerous situation," said Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer. "We work hard every day to make sure Americans all have all the correct opinions. With thousands of hours of footage being given to the American public with no filter, we're in grave danger of some people not agreeing with us, or worse — not giving us politicians more and more unchecked power. This is an existential threat to democracy."

Mitch McConnell, another Democrat Senator, agreed. "I'm terrified right now," he said. "What if everyone starts thinking we're lying frauds? I'm not saying we are, but it would be terrible if people came to such a scary — and unapproved — conclusion."

Experts also weighed in, warning that if unapproved opinions are allowed to spread, it may lead to unapproved leaders being elected for unapproved reasons. "As experts, we wouldn't approve of this," said one expert.

At publishing time, Democrats released findings from the intelligence community stating the Jan 6 tapes were unapproved Russian disinformation.

Boat

UK says the Russians sank the Titanic

Briton Samuel Halpern came to surprising conclusions about the most famous shipwreck.

Titanic
© EASTERN NEWS
Oh, the famous Hollywood director James Cameron rushed with the shooting of his famous movie "Titanic". I would have waited a quarter of a century, you see, now, taking into account the change in the international situation, not 11 Oscars, but three times more, I could go out and find my masterpiece. It just needed to be corrected. After all, it turned out that such a plot was brewing there that, against its background, the official version of the death of the liner - a collision with an iceberg - would have seemed somewhat boring and unbearable.

Hold on tight, now you will learn a terrible secret. The catastrophe that claimed the lives of one and a half thousand people was created by the captain of the ship, Edward John Smith, because in fact he could be called Ivan Vasilyevich Sidorov, since this sailor had Russian roots.

The British Samuel Halpern, who calls himself the investigator of the largest shipwreck in world history, has just come to such amazing conclusions. He rummaged through the archives for a long time and eventually pulled out documents from them, giving, in his opinion, the claim that Smith "was of Russian origin."

Smiley

Desperate King Charles to ask The Wolfe Tones to play at his coronation

Charles and Wolfe Tones
© Waterford Whispers News
AS RUMOURS circulate that everyone from Elton John to Harry Styles have declined to play at King Charles coronation, the desperate monarch has begun personally reaching out to musical acts to ensure his big day isn't a damp squib.

"You'd be surprised at the number of people who aren't that interested in playing music for a 73-year-old's party to celebrate how his mum died and he inherited billions tax free," shared a palace insider who just got off the phone with an S Club 7 tribute act who are sadly booked that day.

Growing increasingly worried spending millions on a back-patting day won't turn out to be the huge PR win it should be, Charles has reached out to a hip new band called The Wolfe Tones after one of the Irish staff working at the palace personally recommended them.

Smiley

For convenience, Treasury Secretary Yellen gives Zelensky own key to US Treasury

zelensky yellen us treasury u

Vladimir Zelensky and Janet Yellen
To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.

"It's simpler this way. Now Mr. Zelensky can let himself in whenever he wants, and help himself to whatever he needs!" said Yellen. "As a government official, I want to help the government be as efficient as possible. This removes all those unnecessary steps that come between Ukraine wanting money and then getting it! I'm a genius!"

"Zelensky, dear, you just take whatever you need, sweetie!"

Sources say Zelensky has already let himself in the massive, highly secure vault 3 times today, helping himself to wheelbarrows full of coins, gold bullion, and Ashley Biden's diary. "We thank the American government for the lovely gift of their citizens' money," he said. "We promise to put this to good use by killing many Russians and buying lots of cocaine. God bless America!"

At publishing time, Zelensky had already made a return trip after blowing all the cash from his first three trips.

Smiley

Man regrets transitioning to woman after seeing line for restroom

Transgender
© Babylon Bee
PORTLAND, OR — A local man who recently completed his transition to living as if he were a woman immediately regretted his decision to do so after seeing the line for the ladies' room at a large public event last night.

"I had no idea I would have to wait this long just to go pee," said Ryanna Everhardt upon discovering the line at the restroom. "Before I transitioned, I could just walk into the men's room, do my business at a urinal, wash my hands, and be back out in two minutes. Now this? I may have made a big mistake."

Igloo

Southern California covered in 6 feet of Global Warming

'Global Warming'
© Babylon Bee
ANAHEIM, CA — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call "massive amounts of Global Warming." Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.

"Our world has officially ended," said California resident Luis Garcia. "We've been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it." Though the final numbers were not yet reported, it is feared that perhaps dozens of people have been inconvenienced by this new outbreak of Global Warming.

Stock Up

CNN's rating for 'This Morning' jumped 5% without Don Lemon: report

don lemon
Don Lemon was notably absent from Friday, Monday, and Tuesday's episodes of CNN This Morning after being removed from the show over his "women in their prime" comments about Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley's age on Thursday.

While the longtime host was undergoing "formal training," rather than shrink in popularity, the show actually experienced a jump in ratings.

According to Samba TV, CNN This Morning reached 617,000 households on the first day of Lemon's absence, jumping to 678,000 the following episode. The next day, viewership rose even higher to 709,000 households.

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