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Sat, 17 Apr 2021
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Smiley

Casino claims slot machines aren't rigged, just 'fortified'

casino slot machines
"The house always wins," the saying goes. Many people feel the games and machines in Las Vegas are rigged so you can't ever really come out on top. But one casino boss is insisting that the games aren't actually rigged -- they're just "fortified."

"We did not rig the slot machines to ensure we always come out on top -- we just fortified them," said the owner of Don Benny's Casino just outside Las Vegas, Bob Casino. "We had a powerful, secret cabal of honest, hard-working mobsters and mathematicians working under cover of night to change the rules, secretly coming together to work the odds against the player so there is no way they can win."

"Hey, I won!" cried a player at a nearby slot machine as a siren blared. Mr. Casino nodded at two men in suits standing by, and they swiftly moved in to break the player's kneecaps and take him into a back room for questioning. "This isn't fair! You can't do this! It's rigged!"

Mr. Casino shrugged and took a puff of his cigar. "We prefer the term 'fortified."

"That's just Vegas, baby."

Comment: For the less funny version, see:


Smiley

Helpful Psaki gifts reporters with a list of questions to ask her

Jen Psaki
Many of the White House correspondents are finding White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki to be much more accommodating than the previous administration's press secretary. She's so accommodating that she saves the reporter's work by coming up with the questions they're allowed to ask her.

Comment: After 4 years of struggle under the "tyranny" of Donald Trump and his administration, democracy is finally back in the USA! Which means you get to ask only what is permitted to ask, cease thinking critically and let the government decide what is best for you.

If the regime had its way, we'd all just pretend that we don't see what's going on and enjoy "democracy".


Horse

The GOAT of Zoom call ideas: 'Insane' success of goat Zooms nets Rossendale farm £50k

goat farm
© CRONKSHAW FOLD FARM
Ms McCarthy said hiring out goats, including Sebastian and Lulu (above), is easier than selling manure
A farmer who was half kidding when she suggested hiring out her goats out for Zoom meetings during lockdown has said making £50,000 shows it was no joke.

Dot McCarthy, from Rossendale in Lancashire, said the number of people paying for "show goat" Lola and others to butt in on calls had been "insane".

She said it had kept Cronkshaw Fold Farm open and staff in work and had also paid for improvements to the site.

She added that it was "more fun" than selling manure to make ends meet.

People 2

Suicidal Logic of Feminist Professor: Heterosexuality Ruins Everything

Ruined wedding cake
© istockphoto
If you're sending your kids to any US college outside of a very short, offbeat list of self-consciously conservative colleges, they're going to meet up with some very surprising ideas. And probably soak them in, like the conformists most young people are. In fact, many high schools are already teaching stuff that would ... alarm parents attentive to the weal of their children's souls.

Meet a feminist college professor who's taking mainstream leftist ideas ... just a few short steps further down the slippery Gadarene slope. Insider magazine cites and celebrates Jane Ward, a sexuality and gender professor at University of California Riverside and author of The Tragedy of Heterosexuality.

Ward does not represent some ludicrous fringe. She is not a crank. Instead, she's a tenured faculty member in a large department at a major taxpayer-funded university. So resist the temptation to chuckle and wave off her ideas.

In fact, thanks to the Supreme Court's Bostock decision (Thanks, Justice Gorsuch!) and Joe Biden's latest executive order enforcing it, Ward's ideas fit better with the law of the land in America than your beliefs and mine. It may soon be impossible to contest them on social media, and illegal to resist them. Okay?

Comment: See also:


Oscar

BLM nominated for new Nobel 'Mostly Peaceful' Prize

blm nobel peace prize
The Nobel Committee has announced they have nominated Black Lives Matter for the brand new Nobel "Mostly Peaceful" Prize for its hard work bringing attention to racism by burning down cities around the world.

"No one has done more to contribute to the cause of 'mostly peace' than Black Lives Matter," said Norwegian MP Petter Eide. "They brought attention to racism, and they did it while mostly not being criminal terrorists!" MP Eide then demanded the interviewer raise his fist while shouting "Black Lives Matter" before knocking him over with a brick.

Comment: See also: Black Lives Matter movement nominated for 2021 Nobel Peace Prize


Smiley

'I've been shot!' AOC shrieks as Ted Cruz greets her with set of friendly finger guns

AOC occasio cortez ted cruz finger guns
© The Babylon Bee
Sources at the Capitol confirmed today that a significant brouhaha broke out between Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ted Cruz.

The incident occurred as Ocasio-Cortez was walking out of the Capitol Building and passed by Cruz, who smiled and shot her a set of cool-guy finger guns. "Howdy, AOC! How's my favorite socialist rep? Haha, just playin' with ya, kid."

"Help! I've been shot in a violent attack!" she screamed as Ted Cruz gave her the customary Texas greeting of finger guns. She flopped to the ground and began going into convulsions. "The violence! The horror! He's trying to have me murdered! ATTEMPTED MURDER! I AM IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING THIS SITUATION FOR ATTENTION!"

"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!" Ocasio-Cortez then exploded a ketchup packet she keeps on hand for these occasions, screaming, "THE BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD FILLED WITH COUNTLESS SYSTEMIC OPPRESSIONS!"

Capitol security rushed over and caught Cruz red-handed holding the finger guns. After a brief struggle and lots of sawing, they were able to disarm him. Ocasio-Cortez then popped up and walked into the building, whistling John Lennon's "Imagine."

At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had held the door open for Ocasio-Cortez, prompting her to scream that she was being sexually assaulted.

Smiley

China develops new more protective anal mask

butt mask
Hot on the heels of the anal swab, China has released its innovative new anal mask to fight COVID.

"You can't be too careful -- try a mask over your backside today," said one of the developers of the new product. "We've tried face masks, we've tried double masks, triple masks, face shields, giant hamster balls -- is it time that we try an anal mask?"

It's unclear if you can even contract COVID through your behind, but many officials from the WHO and the CDC are backing the measure "just because it will be fun to see if anyone goes along with it."

"Honestly, if we told people to jump up and down and pretend they are kangaroos to fight COVID, they'd probably do it," said Dr. Fauci, chuckling. "Or if we told them to close their businesses and lock themselves in their houses for a year to stay safe."

The mask also has beneficial side effects, like protecting those around you from the fallout after eating Taco Bell.

"Your mask protects me, my mask protects you," said one commentator on China's official state media channel. "From not just coronavirus, but other unpleasant things."

Comment: Don't be surprised if this actually becomes a thing. Any day now...


Che Guevara

Portland erects statue in honor of Antifa rioters who tore down all the statues

antifa statue toppling
In a powerful and stunning move, the city of Portland has decided to memorialize its bravest heroes and their courageous acts of toppling racist statues. The city has now erected a statue of these statue-toppling Antifa rioters to forever commemorate them for their efforts.

"Even when they knew they could do whatever they wanted without repercussions, and with the full support of the media, these brave freedom fighters decided to tear down statues anyway!" said Mayor Ted Wheeler holding back tears at the statue's unveiling. "It is my great privilege to honor these gender non-conforming persons with this taxpayer-funded statue."

Dollars

Bankrupted hedge fund managers to receive $600 stimulus

hedge fund manager
Hedge fund managers nearly bankrupted by Redditors are desperately trying to fight back, but it's not looking good as the internet populist uprising continues.

Rich Wall Street investors getting squeezed by the GameStop buying frenzy are taking solace in the fact, though, that they'll get a $600 stimulus check.

"I think it's a lot of money, sure, we would have liked to get more, but $600 is significant," said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference Thursday. "I'm happy we were able to accomplish at least that much for them. We would have gotten more, but Trump blocked it."

House

'You can reopen now!' Governor Newsom shouts at row of abandoned, dilapidated buildings

newsom shouts at abandoned buildings
In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.

He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.

"I'm not sure why everyone left," said Newsom, hanging his head. "We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!"

Comment: See also: Big money pouring into effort to recall California Governor Gavin Newsom