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Orcs march on Minas Tirith in mostly peaceful protest


Babylon Bee
Wed, 29 Jul 2020 01:07 UTC
MINAS TIRITH
MINAS TIRITH — Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.

The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.

"Everything is very calm, very peaceful here," said a reporter from Gondor News Network. "It's very tranquil." Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him into lembas bread.

Gondor's government was criticized for "police brutality" when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan's armies finally charged in to break things up.

"We were just peacefully protesting -- Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back," said one Orc. "Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill -- and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I'm literally shaking right now."
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NPC

Riot police unsure if their tear gas worked since libs were already crying


Babylon Bee
Thu, 23 Jul 2020 06:53 UTC
liberal tears
Riot police used tear gas on the Portland mayor and protesters last night, which is crazy because they were just trying to warm themselves by a harmless fire they started in a federal building.

But the riot police soon encountered a problem: they weren't able to tell if their tear gas was even effective, since the libs were already crying uncontrollably before they were hit with the tear gas.

"Liberals are always shedding tears, so how do we even tell if it worked?" asked one confused federal agent after firing another can into the crowd. "Seems like this would be pretty redundant."

The liberal tears continued to flow, whether or not riot police fired gas into the crowd. Finally, the police shrugged and left the protest, since the protesters just kept crying.

"Mission accomplished, I guess," said one officer. "Hey, Carl, wanna go kidnap some Antifa thugs?"
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Bullseye

Man walks down Oxford Street wearing nothing but a face mask

Ellena Cruse
Evening Standard
Sat, 25 Jul 2020 13:37 UTC
naked man face mask genitals
© REUTERS
A man wearing a surgical mask struts down the street.
Shoppers were amused after a man stepped out in central London on Friday wearing only a mask.

Perhaps incorrectly interpreting the Government's latest coronavirus advice, he made sure to wear a blue covering but positioned it in the wrong place while walking along Oxford Street.

Some pedestrians stopped in their tracks to take photos of the man while others gaped in shock.

Comment: Bravo!

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NPC

When racists and wokes actually agree on everything

Jordan Davidson
The Federalist
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 01:59 UTC
woke racist
Comedian Ryan Long released a now viral video with Danny Polishchuk called "When Wokes and Racists Actually Agree on Everything," poking fun at the nation's unfolding debates on race.

The video, which currently has over 59,000 views on YouTube, was endorsed by stand up comedian Bill Burr, who retweeted the video.


The video depicts two friends, Brad and Chad, one "woke" and one "racist," agreeing on very fundamental parts of their ideologies.
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Attention

Far-right extremist suggests treating people of all races equally


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Jul 2020 05:19 UTC
Martin Luther King
© AFP
A dangerous, far-right extremist has suggested that we treat people of all races equally, shocked and horrified sources confirmed Friday.

The hateful bigot has been canceled for his controversial comments that people should be treated with respect no matter their skin color.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," said the dangerous, alt-right extremist, according to sources. "I have a dream that one day little black boys and girls will be holding hands with little white boys and girls."

The offensive comments were platformed at large protests and marches, and everyone associated with the problematic racist has also been canceled.

"I mean, this is literally Nazism," said one progressive Twitter user. "He might as well have grown out a little mustache and invaded Russia. We are scouring his old Facebook photos for swastikas and racial slurs as we speak. I'm sure there's a ton of hateful stuff there."
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Syringe

Vaccine trial #666 successful reports Oxford university


Babylon Bee
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 17:48 UTC
Vaccine Trails
© Babylon Bee
Oxford — A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed "The Beast," provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

"This vaccine will stop humanity--er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks," the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. "We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar--I mean, the vaccine."
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Smiley

White House adds crying room for fussy reporters


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Jul 2020 22:29 UTC
CNN acosta reporters cry room humor
© The Babylon Bee
The Trump White House has added a new feature to the James S Brady Press Briefing Room: a separate cry room for fussy reporters who are crying during press briefings and interrupting the proceedings.

The quiet, serene room will allow news agencies to take their crying, wailing, fussy reporters into a separate space to calm them down so the press briefings can continue without interruption.

"If you notice one of your reporters starting to tear up, just take them into the cry room and soothe them before joining us again," said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. "There are pictures of Obama, bottles of kombucha, and some Tickle-You-Biden plushies in there to keep them occupied and help them feel safe."

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying we're babies!?" shouted one reporter, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Well, yes," McEnany replied.

"That's... that's mean!" His lip began to quiver and he was forced to excuse himself to the cry room.

"WAAAAHHH!!!" cried Jim Acosta. "ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD!" One of his fellow CNN reporters cradled him in her arms and took him out into the cry room with an apologetic look on her face.

The cry room may need expanding soon, however, since every single reporter except OANN's Chanel Rion was sent to the cry room during the first press briefing. Rion pointed and laughed at them as they went into the cry room, calling them "dumb babies," which made them cry harder.
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Megaphone

Frustrated by lockdown? Iceland offers to release your screams over loudspeaker


Irish Examiner
Wed, 15 Jul 2020 20:33 UTC
Iceland scream therapy
© Press Association
People feeling stressed by lockdown are being invited to let off steam by having their screams played over loudspeaker in a remote part of Iceland.

The offer comes from the Scandinavian nation's tourist board, which has set up a website allowing people to record themselves venting their frustration.

The results will then be played from one of seven speakers set up around the sparsely-populated country.

The website reads: "You've been through a lot this year and it looks like you need the perfect place to let your frustrations out. Somewhere big, vast and untouched.

"It looks like you need Iceland."

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Light Sabers

Liberals worried that without cancel culture they'd actually have to defend their ideas


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 08 Jul 2020 07:41 UTC
guy with hand on head
As cancel culture has come under attack in recent weeks, liberals have begun to grow worried that it might get canceled. And if that happens, they'll be in the terrible situation of having to discuss and defend their ideas with people who disagree with them.

Progressives have felt a growing anxiety over the thought of losing cancel culture and having to stand by their ideas and defend them with logic.

"Imagine how horrible it would be if instead of just canceling someone, we had to discuss differing viewpoints and then defend our ideas," said one journalist as he searched a Quiznos employee's old tweets. "It's much easier to simply silence them through cancelation, guaranteeing that we'll never have to examine our own views, come to a better understanding of the other side, and maybe even change our position sometimes."

It's especially hard for the Far Left, as Communists much prefer silencing people and exiling them to having to explain their defense of a system that has killed over 100 million people. "It's what Joseph Stalin would have done," said Portland anarcho-communist Jayde Wilson. "You didn't see him worrying about defending his ideas -- he just canceled people -- straight to the gulag."
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Attention

Only herd sanity can inoculate us against this madness

Nick Dixon
spiked
Wed, 08 Jul 2020 07:26 UTC
control the virus
© Getty
In light of the chaos happening in so many areas of our culture, I am proposing a new strategy: herd sanity.

Herd sanity is an idea, invented by me, whereby enough people remain calm and rational that stupid, insane ideas can no longer spread too far.

Once this level of mass common sense is achieved in a population, any stupid idea like 'Speech is violence', or 'Defund the police', or 'Listen to Sadiq Khan' will only be able to get so far without running into a sane, normal person and immediately dying out.

I have had to invent this idea, of course, because of the recent pandemic. Not that nasty Covid-19 thing. I'm talking about the pandemic of Stupid Ideas Rapidly Spreading - or SIRS, if you prefer.

This is a new phenomenon largely due to the advent of Twitter, and the surprising number of people who possess the very latest technology yet have not even bothered to switch their stupid brains on.
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