Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Government advise wearing face masks over eyes when purchasing goods

Eye Mask!
© Waterford Whispers News
IN A BID to curb the effects of spiralling inflation on the struggling nation, the government has advised consumers to wear a face mask over their eyes when purchasing goods to avoid being shocked by prices, WWN reports.

"We've listened to your repeated calls to do something about the cost of living and we believe this short term solution will get people through the next few years while prices continue to rise," Taoiseach Micheál Martin explained at a press hearing today, "shopping, filling your car up with petrol, eating out, opening a utility bill; these should all be done while wearing a face mask over your eyes and will also come in handy for the next covid wave that we're not preparing for in a few weeks - it's genius really".

Smiley

Trump posts fake video on Truth Social of him hitting Biden in the head with a golf ball and knocking him off his bike

biden bike mishap
Former President Donald Trump posted a fake video on Saturday of him hitting President Joe Biden in the head with a golf ball and knocking him off his bike.

The video was shared on Trump's Truth Social account on Saturday evening. The original edit appears to have been created by Twitter user @NautPoso.

The doctored video merges together a clip of Trump playing golf and recent footage of Biden falling from his bike. The video is edited to include sound effects and a golf ball flying toward Biden's head.

Comment:



Dollars

ECB asks EU citizens to add a zero to banknotes by hand to fight inflation

Banknote
© Waterford Whispers News
The European Central Bank is finally doing something to combat rampant inflation: ECB President Christine Lagarde today called on all residents of the European Monetary Union to add a zero to their banknotes with a permanent marker. The value of the currency will increase by 900 percent as a result of the immediate measure.

"In view of the historical fall in value for the euro area, a simple and easy remedy is needed that anyone can carry out quickly free of bureaucratic red tape," said Lagarde, before demonstrating how a 5 euro note with just one additional hand-drawn zero could be converted into a 50 Euro note. "It's that simple. Problem solved! Do the same at home and help us beat inflation."

Smiley

Protocol droid fluent in six million forms of communication still can't understand what Biden is saying

Protocol Droid
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A protocol droid acquired to assist White House staffers in interpreting statements from President Biden struggled mightily in its first day on the job, in spite of being fluent in every form of communication in the known galaxy.

Said the droid, known as D-RP0, "I've translated blank verse in the language of the L'o Ll'o'lo people, who only have two letters in their alphabet. I worked on the peace negotiations between warring tribes of the planet K'pola, who communicate entirely in quotes from The Godfather Part III. But I've never encountered anything like this."

"I've been watching tapes of the president in my living room for days trying to come up with some sort of key to his language, to no avail. Oh, my aching circuits! I need to sit down."

Comment: It needs to learn to speak Bidenese!




Arrow Down

Biden reveals his plan is to just raise gas prices until the counter spins back to zero

Gas Prices and Brandon!
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a much-anticipated speech on the troubling rise in gas prices, President Biden said we might as well just keep raising the prices until the price counter spins all the way back to zero.

"Listen, folks, It's too late to lower gas prices. No one knows how to do that," said the President. "So we're just gonna keep raising those prices higher until all the little number signs on the price boards go back to zero! Those signs can only go up to $9.99, so we're already almost there!"

Arrow Up

Think you have Monkeypox? Watch for these ten strange symptoms

Monkeypox Symptoms
© Babylon Bee
Monkeypox is here! EVERYONE PANIC! You thought COVID wasn't a big deal? Well, get ready to spend every waking moment of your life in constant terror for fear that the next person you run into might have a rare disease with a low transmission rate.

Think you might have it? Diagnose yourself by consulting these symptoms:

1) A mild headache: Run for your life! YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!

2) You've been to England in the last six months: You might also be British, which is another problem altogether.

3) Italian plumbers make you FURIOUS: Throwing all those barrels is making you super buff, though.

4) You pick a bug out of your wife's hair and eat it: Helpful but gross. Don't do that.

5) You become confused and angry every time you see a monolith: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Arrow Down

Israel in danger of having increased US military aid after killing of journalist

Israeli Tank
© Waterford Whispers News
FEARS are in no way growing for the fate of US military aid to Israel in the wake of its forces killing Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Aqla, WWN understands.

With calls for a formal investigation, a push for UN inquiry and serious condemnation from western leaders, experts expect that all to be ignored and US military aid to be ramped up.

"You keep this up or kill anymore Palestinian-American journalists and we're warning you, you might get more fighter jets," a stern US Congress told Israeli PM Naftali Bennett.

"It would be remiss of us not to warn you, this type of behaviour will only result in a strong lack of condemnation, closer economic ties and help with identifying anyone criticising this murder online," the White House said in a hastily issued statement.

Smiley

Yemen urges Bono don't even think about it

Bono
© Waterford Whispers News
QUICKLY intervening before anyone could arrange an impromptu underground gig for them, the people of Yemen issued a joint statement to Irish singer and U2 frontman Bono, stating that they're grand for any future visits.

"No, no, don't mind us at all at all, we're grand here, seriously, don't you bother your little head about us," the official statement read, emphasising the point that Yemen doesn't need any songs sung there, thanks, "the days of lifting our hopes are gone anyway and to be brutally honest you'd be nearly 8 years late at this stage so it would look forced - best keep that craic for your own kind, we guess".

Smiley

Washington Post Condemns Musk For Criticizing Twitter Employee Instead Of Publishing Her Address And Showing Up At Her Sister's House

Washington post
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Washington Post has released another broadside against Elon Musk, this time condemning him for mildly criticizing a Twitter executive instead of just doxxing her and her family.

"It's sickening, Elon offering a short statement of disagreement with a powerful, high-level executive — does he have no soul?!" cried editor Sal McNally. "If he had any sliver of integrity, he would do what we here at the Washington Post do: publish her home address online and then show up at her family's doorstep."

X

People who say they aren't censoring anyone really mad they won't be able to censor anyone

twitter HQ
Reports are flooding in that the same exact people who said that they are not censoring anybody are absolutely furious that they won't be able to censor anyone.

Now that Elon Musk — who is a strong proponent of free speech — has purchased Twitter, many employees worry that their days of inappropriately censoring opposing views are numbered.

"So we're just going to let people freely say whatever they want now? What if they say something we don't like?" said Eliza Stephens, a Twitter content moderator who claims to have never ever censored anyone before. "How else will we prove we are right if we can't silence the opposition entirely. If conservatives aren't handicapped at every turn their ideas may catch on or be better than ours. AHHHHH!"