Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
As it turns out, not even Satan himself is safe from a Snopes fact-check. In a recent post, Snopes analyzed several statements made by the Prince of Darkness, utilizing their tried-and-true, highly methodical, investigative techniques to determine how his words lined up with their feelings.
In one example, Satan claimed that eating a particular fruit would not cause anyone to die, but would instead grant them an improved understanding of moral issues. According to Snopes' assessment, while consuming the fruit has been followed by billions and billions of deaths, those casualties were more of an indirect result, while the part about gaining knowledge of good and evil was generally accurate. They also checked all the lies Satan told Jesus while He was being tempted in the desert and pointed out that he did quote Scripture, albeit out of context, earning the Prince of Darkness another "Mostly True" rating.
In the article, Snopes explains that while the Devil has clearly made some factually inaccurate statements over the years, they observed that he tended to "mix a lot of truth with a little bit of lie," thus earning the "Mostly True" label.
I was thrilled to see that TED — the company that runs all those online lectures — has decided henceforth to use "womxn" rather than the outdated word "women". This is because "women" excludes non-cisgender people. And because transwomen are women, it's essential that they have a different word to show that they are exactly the same.
Any words that uphold cisgender or patriarchal privilege are a form of hate speech. So instead of "boys" you should say "ungirls", instead of "vagina" you should say "front hole", and instead of "semen" you should say "hate syrup".
The test came back late Thursday evening, and doctors confirmed the worst: the coronavirus has contracted Trump-45.
"Oh no! We're doomed!" cried tiny little coronaviruses, frantically looking for a way to escape Trump's body. But Trump held his breath and plugged his nose and ears, sealing off escape hatch after escape hatch, preventing the viruses from leaving his body. Superpowered Trump antibodies, shaped like little Ys with orange hair, charged in, sealing the coronavirus's fate.
"Game over, man, game over! They're coming out of the blood vessel walls -- they're coming out of the goshdarn walls!" the coronaviruses screamed as they made their desperate last stand.
Coronavirus was also concerned it might be called a Nazi and doxxed for its association with Donald Trump. These fears appeared to be justified, as CNN immediately began digging up coronavirus's old tweets.
The foul-mouthed birds were split up after they launched a number of different expletives at visitors and staff just days after being donated to Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England.
"It just went ballistic, they were all swearing," the venue's chief executive Steve Nichols told CNN Travel on Tuesday. "We were a little concerned about the children."
"I get called a fat t**t every time I walk past," Nichols complained.
The African grey parrots -- named Eric, Jade, Elsie, Tyson and Billy -- were given to the park from five different owners within the same week, and shared a quarantining facility together before being placed on display.
But staff immediately noticed that the birds shared a propensity to fly off the handle.
"Mr. President, will you or will you not condemn Jessie and James' blatant attempts to steal Ash's Pikachu?" Chris Wallace insisted.Analysts immediately slammed Trump for his comments, pointing out that he has never once denounced the dastardly duo and even suggested there were "very good people on both sides" of the Team Rocket vs. Ash Ketchum rivalry, though he says this was taken out of context.
"Who?" Trump asked. "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a new nickname for Sleepy Joe. What was the question?"
"Right here. Right now. You have the opportunity to denounce Team Rocket, so there will be no question on where you stand," Chris Wallace pressed.
"Sure. Yes, absolutely. Wait... that's the little weasel who steals Dora's stuff?" asked a flustered Trump.
"No, Mr. President. That's Swiper."
"Oh. Well, rockets are good, I like rockets. I started Space Force."
"No, Team Rocket. The dastardly villains, you know, who attempt to denounce the evils of truth and love and extend their reach to the stars above."
"Well, all I can say to them, is stand back and stand by. Let Officer Jenny handle things."
Throughout the debate, Trump also refused to denounce many other things:
- Nickelback
- The Last Jedi
- The laughing dog in Duck Hunt
- Wesley Crusher
- Unitarians
- Attempts to remake The Princess Bride
- Superman for Nintendo 64
- Impossible-to-open clamshell packaging
- People who put ketchup on steak
Here they are in all their glory:
The pictured scan has been translated for you below:
I was raped by whoever Trump selects to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg for the Supreme Court.
It was in the 1990s and the details are a little fuzzy. We were at a party and I distinctly remember this person coming on to me and rubbing up against me.
I told this person I wasn't interested but whoever it was persisted and when we were alone forced himself or herself on me, pulling off my clothes and penetrating me while I constantly said, "No!"
I haven't come forward yet because I was ashamed and afraid. This person is clearly very powerful, but now that this person is being considered for the Supreme Court, I think it's necessary to let people know who they're dealing with, especially after Trump picked a literal serial killer last time.
And the Soros money doesn't hurt.
But, eventually, Willow surrendered to the patriarchy as long as the patriarchy was willing to mow the lawn every weekend, saying, "I'm 100% OK with the patriarchy as long as it keeps the lawn mowed and repairs things that break around here."
She is now rethinking her entire career choice and plans to write a book on why feminism should embrace the patriarchy. She also says she'd like to stay home and have a bunch of babies, so long as she doesn't have to touch that lawnmower again. "I just think it's so freeing to discover that the way my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents did things was actually really fair. Like, if feminism means I have to mow the lawn, then I'm out. That just doesn't work for me. And frankly, Ryan always puts the dishes away in the wrong spot when he unloads the dishwasher - that's so annoying."
"Stay out of my territory, patriarchy!"
Ryan is totally cool with the new perspective Willow has on shared responsibility and immediately bought a pickup truck to haul supplies to build his man cave. He also recently took on a third job so he can pay someone to mow the lawn.
"OK, you, little guy -- what's your beef with blondie here?" Trump asked Gimli son of Glóin, representing the ancient race of Dwarves, as Trump gestured toward Legolas, son of Thranduil of Mirkwood. "He's a nice guy. Talked to him myself. He's a little weird, sure. A little full of himself. And he says strange stuff sometimes like 'A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night.' But aren't we all a little unique in our own way?"
Gimli crossed his arms. "He is always making fun of my height. And he thinks he's better than everyone just because he's got that long, flowing, blonde hair. Hmph."
"Blondie, is this true?" Trump asked.
Legolas looked down ashamedly and drew a circle in the ground with his foot. "Yeah. Maybe I was a little too harsh. I was just joking around. Sorry, man."
"Beautiful! A new alliance. Best alliance maybe ever!" The pair then went skipping off into the sunset, killing Orcs and having a lively competition over who could kill more of the evil invaders.
Next, Trump says he plans to try to unite Saruman and Sauron. "Should be a piece of cake!"















