After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.

"Maybe this Democrat will be different," said one local business owner while sweeping up the broken glass from her store after getting robbed for the 15th time this year. "We tried Democrats 4 years ago, and also before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, going back to the early 1900s. I sure wish there was some other kind of thing we could choose that would help."

"Oh well."

As violence and despair continue to rise in the city, Chicago remains hopeful that maybe this Democrat politician implementing the same Democrat policies will somehow achieve a better result than all the other times it's been tried.

"I sure hope something changes soon," said Chicago resident Oprah Winfrey from her luxury high-rise condo. "I heard a rumor that my assistant's driver's intern's errand boy got shot in the face last week! Terrible!"

At publishing time, thousands of criminals had celebrated another Democrat being elected by firing their guns in the air.

In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.

"For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?"

Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women. "As a man acting out the most horrendously offensive stereotypes of women, Mulvaney taps into the soul of people who despise real women," said Mr. Whitworth. "As a company dedicated to serving those who detest real beer, the partnership made perfect sense. The new beer can just shouts, 'Come, enjoy this atrocious substitute for the real thing'."

While a few in the media questioned the move, so far Bud Light fans have welcomed drinking out of a can featuring the face of a guy with a little girl fetish. "It really completes the experience," said Bud Light fan Mason Olsen. "If that dude with his massive jaw can pretend to be a little girl - well, I can pretend this is real beer. It's pretty inspiring."

At publishing time, activists had resumed calling for America to stop keeping trans people invisible.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly had difficulty concealing his disappointment today after meeting Orlando Bloom and finding out he is not actually a fearsome elf warrior.

"This is not what I expected," Zelensky was overheard telling his aides when the actor arrived. "I told you I wanted to meet Legolas. Where are the pointy ears? The long, flowing blonde hair? He is not even carrying a bow and arrows! I wanted the fierce elven warrior to inflict heavy casualties on the Russian army, not this effeminate man with whispy facial hair! I was at least hoping to have access to some mithril to armor my soldiers!"

The Lord of the Rings star became the latest in many Hollywood entertainers who have made public relations pilgrimages to pay homage to the Ukrainian President. "It is truly a great honor to meet the great President Zelesnky," Bloom said to reporters who were brought in to document the meeting. "I came here to show respect and support for Ukraine and also to remind people that I'm alive and that I have not retired from acting and would greatly appreciate a job. Please contact my agent for casting calls!"

Zelensky managed to maintain decorum and politeness when interacting with Bloom but was clearly depressed that his plan to have an elite elven fighting machine as his army's secret weapon would not be realized.

At publishing time, Zelensky was relieved to have completed his meeting with Bloom and was later heard telling his aides that he wanted to move to "Plan B," which is believed to be flying in Liam Neeson and Keanu Reeves.

US rap artist Kanye West has watched the comedy 21 Jump Street, starring actor Jonah Hill, and it has changed his outlook on Jewish people, he wrote on Instagram on Saturday. The musician has been at the center of multiple anti-Semitism scandals.

"Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street made me like Jewish people again," West said. "No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people," he elaborated, possibly referring to himself in the post that has already garnered 1.4 million likes.

West concluded the post by thanking Hill and saying he loves him.

The rapper, who legally changed his name to 'Ye,' is a multi-Grammy award winning artist and producer. In October 2022, Ye posted to Twitter that he was about to go "death con 3 On JEWISH PEOPLE," a reference to the US defense readiness alert system. The tweet was removed and West's account was suspended. In December, West was a guest on the controversial InfoWars podcast, hosted by Alex Jones. During the show, the rapper stated that he "sees good things about Hitler."

Two men have been sentenced to life in prison in India for a 2014 killing that was reportedly solved thanks in part to the dead woman's pet parrot, which is believed to have witnessed the murder.

Special Judge Mohammed Rashid sentenced Ashu Sharma and Ronnie Massey to life in prison plus a fine of 72,000 rupees ($874) on Thursday based on evidence collected after Sharma confessed to killing his aunt, Neelam Sharma, with the help of his friend.

The pair entered the victim's home in Agra on February 20, 2014, when her husband was away at a wedding with their children. They stabbed her 14 times and even stabbed her pet dog nine times, Neelam's daughter Nivedita Sharma told India Today. Her cousin had intended to "kill and loot," she explained, as he knew where the couple stored their cash and jewelry, having visited his aunt's house many times and even stayed there for years. Her father Vijay had even given his nephew 80,000 rupees ($972) toward an MBA degree.

As TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew faced questioning from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce on Capitol Hill, leaders from the United States government issued strong demands that TikTok stop spying on American citizens because that's the government's job.

"Stay off our turf!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said to assembled members of the press. "How can the federal government be expected to effectively spy on all of our citizens if we've got this TikTok app and the Chinese Communist Party getting in our way trying to do the same thing? If anyone is going to be violating the privacy of the American people, it should be us!"

Concerns continue to grow that the social media video app is harvesting private data from millions of American users and funneling it to the Chinese government, a charge that the TikTok CEO vehemently denies. "The Honorable and Most Excellent President Xi told me to say we do not collect sensitive data from our users," said Mr. Chew when questioned. "We also do not know anything about Senator McConnell browsing for videos of female turtles in the middle of the night last Thursday. Any insinuation otherwise is simply paranoia!"

The White House was quick to weigh in on the controversy. "It is the policy of this administration to keep the spying on of American people here at home where it belongs," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "While he is hesitant to ban TikTok, President Biden vows to never outsource the violation of our citizens' privacy."

At publishing time, congressional leaders were setting up meetings with Big Tech firms to ask them to create a similar app that would allow the government to spy on citizens with homegrown, American-made products.

Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.

"Folks don't worry. Due to the decisive actions of this administration, everyone's money is safe in Ukraine," said Biden. "I withdrew all the money and shipped it over there last night myself! My son Hunter personally supervised the transfer! That's leadership! I'm sure the Ukrainians will put your money to good use by buying bazookas and paying the pensions of government officials. I will take no questions at this time."

Biden then did an about-face and spent 15 minutes trying to walk out of the room as he couldn't find the door.

Americans are being assured to wait until the war in Ukraine is over and they pay us back before making any large withdrawals.

At publishing time, 12 more banks had collapsed during Biden's speech.

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.

"I will stop at absolutely nothing to put Trump back in the White House where he belongs," said Mr. Bragg. "I'm about to charge up his base like you've never seen!"

Mr. Bragg had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. "Check and mate, libs," laughed Mr. Bragg as he pulled on a MAGA hat. "I've already put in my request to be Trump's Transportation Secretary, I hear it's super easy. 2024, here we come!"

After lawyers of every political allegiance agreed there was no criminal case against Trump over hush money paid during his 2016 campaign, Mr. Bragg knew taking the hopeless case was his big chance. "The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking - what more could the Trump campaign ask for?" said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "Mr. Bragg might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He's playing chess while the rest of us are out here playing checkers."

At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis was wondering what sort of crime he needed to be indicted for to keep pace with Trump.

Olbermann tries to get Musk banned from Twitter, which Musk owns.

Elon Musk managed to once again live under the skin of leftist news anchor turned demented shouty old man Keith Olbermann, after the Twitter CEO stated that Jacob Chansley, the so called "QAnon Shaman," had been "falsely portrayed in the media as a violent criminal."

Musk first tweeted this:

Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn't been approved by Democrat leaders.

"This is a very dangerous situation," said Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer. "We work hard every day to make sure Americans all have all the correct opinions. With thousands of hours of footage being given to the American public with no filter, we're in grave danger of some people not agreeing with us, or worse — not giving us politicians more and more unchecked power. This is an existential threat to democracy."

Mitch McConnell, another Democrat Senator, agreed. "I'm terrified right now," he said. "What if everyone starts thinking we're lying frauds? I'm not saying we are, but it would be terrible if people came to such a scary — and unapproved — conclusion."

Experts also weighed in, warning that if unapproved opinions are allowed to spread, it may lead to unapproved leaders being elected for unapproved reasons. "As experts, we wouldn't approve of this," said one expert.

At publishing time, Democrats released findings from the intelligence community stating the Jan 6 tapes were unapproved Russian disinformation.