Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Bizarro Earth

Sex is banned from funeral tributes

Roman Catholics in Australia have been ordered to keep funeral Mass eulogies short and to steer clear of tales of sex and drunkenness, after a reported increase in "inappropriate" statements.

In new guidelines, Cardinal George Pell, the country's most senior Catholic, has imposed a five-minute deadline and deemed some areas of a person's life off limits.

"On not a few occasions, inappropriate remarks glossing over the deceased's proclivities (drinking prowess, romantic conquests etc) or about the Church (attacking its moral teachings) have been made at funeral Masses," Cardinal Pell's guidelines say.

Wolf

N.J. Town to Set Barking Dog Time Limit

The city of Clifton is not going to the dogs. At least not if the City Council has anything to do about it.

Later this month, the council is expected to introduce an ordinance setting a limit on how long dogs can bark.

Noisy canines will be defined as those that bark for more than 30 minutes on two consecutive days.

The city already has nuisance and "noise laws that can be used to address annoying and disturbing noises such as constant barking." But officials said those laws are sometimes difficult to enforce.

Calculator

Mint plans 100-kilogram gold coin worth $2 million

You could never flip it, pop it into a vending machine or jangle it in your pocket.

The Royal Canadian Mint's newest coin will weigh 100 kilograms - that's 220 pounds, or nearly as much as a linebacker - and will be the size of a party pizza.

The non-circulating, pure gold coin will have a face value of $1 million, but at current bullion prices will be worth a staggering $2 million.

Rumours of the new coin, which would be the highest denomination in the world, have been circulating since early this month when cabinet approved the project in a short announcement.

But the mint had been keeping mum on details of its plans until Wednesday, when it posted a regulatory notice on a government website.

Document

Customers get billion-dollar power bills

WEATHERFORD, Texas - Perhaps his $24 billion electric bill will teach Richard Redden not to leave the heat running. Thanks to a printing error, Redden and more than 1,300 Weatherford utility customers this week received billion-dollar electric bills marked as late notices.

Irving-bases DataProse, which prints customer bills for Weatherford Electric, said the company was embarrassed by the error.

Sheeple

Jesus appears atop mobile phone mast

Large crowds gathered yesterday around a mobile phone mast in the northern Ugandan town of Gulu after locals spotted Jesus Christ atop the structure, Kampala's The Monitor reports.

Witness Eric Odongo, who claimed he "first saw clouds on top of the mast and that Jesus appeared to be standing amidst clouds", told the paper: "I saw Jesus standing on top of the mast. He was standing between two people and was putting on a white cloth. His hair was black."

Attention

Psychopathy Exposed: a literary liar and her phoney love

She duped the literary world into believing that she fled Jordan with a fatwa on her head after her best friend was murdered in an "honour killing". Now Norma Khouri is the star of a film that tries to help her to clear her name, but ends up painting her as a compulsive liar.

Khouri's "memoir", Forbidden Love, published in 2003, sold half a million copies in 15 countries. The book, which recounts the fatal love affair between her Muslim friend Dalia and a Christian army officer, tapped into the apparently unquenchable appetite for "confessional" autobiographies.

Coffee

In Hong Kong, eat up or you'll be fined

Hong Kong restaurants have come up with a novel way to cut down on waste from food leftovers -- threatening to fine diners who don't eat up.

A number of restaurants in the Chinese city alert customers that they will charge them between five and 20 Hong Kong dollars (0.64-2.5 US dollars) if they leave any food on their plates, the South China Morning Post reported.

It said a handful of restaurants serving do-it-yourself hotpots, sushi and buffets had set up the system.

Question

Sex attacks blamed on bat demon

Men in parts of Tanzania's main city, Dar es Salaam, are living in fear of a night-time sex attacker.

A BBC correspondent says the attacks are being blamed by some on a demon called "Popo Bawa" meaning winged bat.


No Entry

A Giant Doom Magnet

So I was sitting around watching "Oprah" yesterday afternoon when I realized how I could stop W. and Crazy Dick from blowing up any more stuff.

All I needed to do was Unleash my Unfathomable Magnetic Power into the Universe!

Energy flows where intention goes. Or maybe it's the other way around.

Anyhow, Oprah taught me how to stop abusing myself and learn The Secret. I finally get it: because the Law of Attraction dictates that like attracts like, my negativity toward the president and vice president is attracting their negativity and multiplying the negative vibrations in the cosmos, creating some sort of giant doom magnet.

Crusader

Fortean = anti-evolution? Not Even Close

The topic of creationism nearly makes me retch. I hate arguing about it, I hate even acknowledging that the fight even exists because it shouldn't. I must vent so indulge me.

The debate between creationists and evolutionists rages on these days over at Cryptomundo in a post opened solely for the two teams to duke it out. I would opine that it was a mistake to do that. These aren't kids who will give up fighting and make nice. It could end up with hard feelings and people leaving in a huff. I gotta keep telling myself not to read those types of posts and comments, and for all that's logical and sane, quit responding to the commentary! Alas, I didn't listen to myself and entered the fray.