Welcome to Sott.net
Wed, 29 Sep 2021
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Map

Doberman

Key asset: Police dog sniffs out car keys lost in woman's backyard

Police dog finds lost keys

A Nanaimo RCMP search last Wednesday uncovered Kix Citton’s lost keys on her central Nanaimo property.
Nanaimo RCMP happened to be doing police dog training at the exact time and place to be of great help to a local resident.

A search last Wednesday uncovered Kix Citton's lost keys on her central Nanaimo property.

Police were training in the area that day and when they advised Citton of their activities there, she jokingly asked if they could find her keys, which she was pretty sure she had lost in her backyard.

"Searching for keys in [her] backyard is not an easy task as it consists of a variety of plants, shrubs, some weeds, thick and thorny rose bushes and a multitude of strawberry bushes," noted an RCMP press release.

She had given up looking and already made trips to BCAA, her car dealership and a locksmith.

Smiley

Google deploys squads to destroy offensive books, videos, websites

Google Squad
© Babylon Bee
It looks like Google is adding hundreds of jobs to Silicon Valley, as its newly opened book-burning division is looking to hire firemen.

These firemen don't put out fires, but rather, they destroy books, videos, information, and anything else that contradicts a far-left world-view. They utilize fire at 451 degrees Fahrenheit. Google's robotics division has also reportedly developed a Mechanical Hound designed to sniff out resistance to its totalitarian destruction of offensive content.

Google listed several hundred available positions in the company's new "Firehouse" department. The listing posted on Google's Careers page is replicated below:

Binoculars

Curious shark checks out swimmer at Panama City, Florida beach

Swimming with sharks in FL
© Stan Battles
A woman swimming off the shoreline of Panama City Beach got a bit too close for comfort to a pretty big shark and someone in a nearby hotel captured the close encounter on video.

According to the Panama City News Herald, the video was shot by Stan Battles from the 28th floor of his beachside resort. It shows the shark checking out the swimmer in the Gulf of Mexico as she swims through water. It appears there is nobody else around.


Battles told the paper he'd been watching the shark swim around in the muck and sea grass, staying mostly hidden, until the swimmer came along. The shark kept a wide circle around her, and at one point, swims far ahead of her and turns around heading back in her direction. She apparently didn't realize she had a follower.

Mr. Potato

Hillary refers to herself 106 times during high school graduation speech

hillary clinton
Most graduation speeches are filled with optimistic anecdotes and bits of advice for young people ready to take on the world.

At the Arkansas School for Mathematics, Sciences and the Arts commencement on Saturday, it was all about Hillary Clinton, because, after all, she had the microphone.

During the roughly 28-minute address, Hillary talked about herself 106 times, or once every 16 seconds.

Bomb

Bolton announces 7 new wars in honor of Memorial Day

Mad Dog Bolton
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C.-In a moving speech to honor Memorial Day, National Security Advisor John Bolton announced seven new wars the U.S. will launch in the coming months.

It's customary for military leaders to say a few words on Memorial Day, sometimes thanking past soldiers for their sacrifice or reminding Americans of the price of freedom. This year, Bolton is going above and beyond, actually announcing new unnecessary wars as a special gift to the country on this solemn occasion.

Mr. Potato

'Hot podium guy for PM': Twitter hails unlikely successor to Theresa May

hot podium guy
© Ruptly
Over a dozen Tories are clambering to take over the top spot from Theresa May, but the British public appears to be backing an unlikely (and undeclared) candidate for PM: 'hot podium guy'.

An unsuspecting sound engineer appeared before the press gathered outside No. 10 Downing Street on Friday morning to finalize the setting for May's resignation announcement.

As journalists shared snaps of the set-up on Twitter, interest grew in who the mystery man at the center of the preparations might be - and if he may in fact prove a strong successor to the outgoing prime minister.



People were quick to tweet their intrigue, with many simply calling for his immediate appointment as prime minister, if only so that it saves everyone the fuss of having to go through an arduous Tory leadership selection process.





Aides earlier took steps to ensure May wasn't upstaged by the nation's top feline civil servant, Larry, though Twitter users soon called for his appointment as PM, too.



Newspaper

New York Times wins Pulitzer for publishing blatant lies

The NY Times
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY -The New York Times increased its impressive collection of Pulitzer Prizes this week after an opinion piece published by the paper was instantly awarded a Pulitzer in the category of "Blatant Lies."

The piece, titled "Pregnancy Kills, Abortion Saves Lives," was written by Dr. Warren M. Hern. It claimed that abortion, a procedure specifically designed to end the life of a human, saves lives, while pregnancy, a process specifically designed to create a life, ends humans.

While that may sound confusing, it's more clear when you realize that the Times was really trying to be recognized in this new Pulitzer category.

Smiley

Satire: Facebook claims party celebrating Candace Owens's suspension was 'honest mistake'

candace owens satire Facebook
© The Babylon Bee
After pictures emerged of Mark Zuckerberg and other Facebook executives celebrating the suspension of Candace Owens's account, Facebook claimed the party was "an honest mistake."

Programmers at the social network say their algorithm "went a little haywire" and scheduled the party.

"Sometimes our code gets a little aggressive and suspends people and also schedules a big celebratory bash for getting rid of another conservative voice," said programmer Lenny Wallace. "It was an innocent error, and we've adjusted the code to make sure it doesn't happen again."

Evil Rays

"Only we are allowed to spy on people" says Google

CEO Sundar Pichai
© Waterford Whispers News
TECH giant Google has announced it will be barring Huawei from updates to its Android operating system as the Chinese smartphone maker is accused of doing exactly what Google already does - harvesting peoples information.

The move comes after the Trump administration added Huawei to a list of companies that American firms cannot trade with, citing a threat to American national security from those "dodgy Chinese lads".

Mr. Potato

'Trump, Russia, possible collusion' - fake news pundits' hysteria set to music

Trump, Russia, possible collusion
Hahahahahahaha!