Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Heart

Cheney Survives 'Near-life' Experience

Dick Cheney - alive?

Washington, D.C. - Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital have confirmed that Vice President Dick Cheney was recently admitted for 'acute signs of life' associated with the accidental activation of his pacemaker.

According to sources in the Office of the Vice President, the bizarre incident began when an errant radio signal set off Cheney's pacemaker, which had never been activated. Doctors said that as his heart began to pump blood through his body, the vice president began to experience symptoms of humanness, including grief, remorse, and empathy.

Comment: Satire? Yes, but also very close to the truth.


Evil Rays

Cusack's satire against Iraq war hits the screens



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©first look pictures

Actor John Cusack's political satire against the US-led war in Iraq - War, Inc - which was filmed in Bulgaria, premiered earlier this week at New York's Tribeca Film Festival.

Cusack was involved in writing the screenplay and stars as the hitman hired to kill a Middle Eastern oil minister who plans to lay an oil pipeline through fictional Turaqistan, a country occupied by a private US company called Tamerlane and run by a former American vice-president.

Comment: On the temporary promo page for the film, Cusack answers some questions. Here's a couple of the most interesting:
Q: What can we as citizens do on a daily basis to undermine the media control and the celebrity deflections?

JC:Start your own media. Be your own media.

Q: What control do we as citizens have over this whole mess? Is there anything we can do besides see this movie?

JC: Look, the thing about resistance is that while it's very, very serious, paradoxically it's really fun! It feels good to express what you see and not feel cowed by these bastards. It's supposed to feel good to tell truth and it does... subversion is fun.
Available for pre-order on Amazon, this sounds like a movie to be promoted to friends and family alike.


Mail

Russian monasteries accepting prayer requests by email

Russian Orthodox monasteries have begun exploiting modern technology and are now accepting requests for prayers for the living and the dead by email or through mobile phone text messages, a respected Russian daily said on Monday.

Izvestia wrote that one such monastery, northern Russia's Valaam Monastery, charges 150 rubles ($6.3) for a 'sorokoust', a prayer for the living or the dead by a priest in church each morning for forty days in a row. The paper specified that the monastery used the WebMoney payment system.

Smiley

Man asks court to change his name to 'In God We Trust'

ZION, Ill. - Steve Kreuscher wants a judge to allow him to legally change his name. He wants to be known as "In God We Trust."

Kreuscher (CROY'-shir) says the new name would symbolize the help God gave him through tough times.

The 57-year-old man also told the (Arlington Heights) Daily Herald he's worried that atheists may succeed in removing the phrase "In God We Trust" from U.S. currency.

Smiley

British planners feared tea shortage after nuclear attack

LONDON - Never mind the radiation: British contingency planners worried there would be a dramatic shortage of tea in the aftermath of a nuclear attack, recently declassified documents showed Monday.

The shortfall of the staple British beverage would be "very serious" if the country were to come under attack with atomic and hydrogen bombs, said according to a memo drafted between 1954 and 1956.

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©AFP/File
Picture taken in 1971, showing a nuclear explosion in Mururoa atoll. The shortfall of the staple British beverage would be "very serious" if the country were to come under attack with atomic and hydrogen bombs, said according to a memo drafted between 1954 and 1956.

Calculator

Texan tries to cash $360bn cheque

A man in the US state of Texas has been arrested for allegedly trying to cash a cheque for $360bn (£182bn).

Charles Ray Fuller had said he wanted to start a record business, authorities in the state said.

The 21-year-old's attempt to cash the money in a bank in Fort Worth failed when staff spotted the 10 zeros on the personal cheque.

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AP

Book

World's biggest portrait



Big face
©Unknown

A Chinese company is printing what is believed to be the world's biggest photograph for Mother's Day.

The Chongqing city-based firm says the portrait of a mum's smiling face will be bigger than a football pitch at 9,000 sq metres.

Bizarro Earth

Flying Vet Maurice Kirk lands in trouble at George Bush's ranch

An eccentric Welsh aviator known as the Flying Vet has been placed in a psychiatric ward in Texas after landing near George Bush's ranch to try to thank the US President for his rescue from sharks in the Caribbean.

Maurice Kirk, 63, from Llantwit Major in the Vale of Glamorgan, was handcuffed at gunpoint by police on Saturday before he could pin a thank-you note to the President's front gate, his wife said.

Kirstie Kirk, 48, said her husband wanted to express his gratitude to Mr Bush after the US Coast Guard fished him out of the sea in February when his Piper Cub light aircraft went down on the Caribbean leg of his round-the-world trip.

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©Unknown

Pumpkin

Jesus Sighting Alert: Found In A Womb

Is it a blessing from above?

A Lorain, Ohio, woman got an ultrasound in preparation for her first baby, but instead of seeing the image of an infant, Monet Sledge saw something else.

"I was shocked like really," said Sledge.

She showed the picture to her sister Tequoia Smith, a married mother of four who has seen her share of ultrasounds.

"I was expecting to see little body parts," said Smith. "Like a face, arms and legs." But instead she too saw the image of Jesus on the cross. "As soon as I saw it I was like oh my gosh."

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©MYFox Cleveland

Phoenix

Flashback It's going to take an asteroid falling out of the sky and landing on Barack Obama

Extract from the transcript of 'Verdict with Dan Abrams' for Wednesday, April 23:
[...]

Abrams: So, true or false, Norah O'Donnell, the tide is turning for Clinton?

Norah O'Donnell, MSNBC Chief Washington Correspondent: I think it is true that she's gained some momentum in her campaign announcing today, that they believe that they're going to raise some $10 million online in 24 hours. That would shatter all records, even Obama style records. She does have some momentum. She can keep going in this campaign and she did have a decisive win in Pennsylvania among women, white working class, older Americans.

And so, she can take that to some superdelegates and say, "I'm sticking in this race, I am a fighter."

Abrams: Roy Sekoff, true or false.

Roy Sekoff, The Huffington Post: Dan, that would have to be false. You know, it's going to take a lot more than a turning tide. It's going to take an asteroid falling out of the sky and landing on Barack Obama. I mean, that's where were at right now and it think that's what Hillary Clinton is staying in the game for. She's hoping to use the word of the day that he obliterates himself with some mistake.

But he's already weathered quite a few storms with Wright, and you know, Ayers, and the lapel pin and "bitter." So, I think, she's hanging in there waiting for him to step on a land mine but I just don't thing it's going to happen.

Comment: Be careful what you wish for, Roy Sekoff.