Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
"Yeah, I'm pretty much a free thinker," said Keeblesmush when interviewed at a protest rally sponsored by Kinko's. "I would say my ideology is an eclectic mix of Vox, Marvel comics, Starbucks' Twitter feed, and whatever my Sociology 101 professor says. There's a lot of hate and misinformation out there, so it's important that I get my life's moral compass entirely from multi-billion dollar corporations and celebrities. The only exception is dead German philosophers like Marx. They're cool too."
A regular black housefly became the unlikely star of Wednesday night's lone vice presidential debate in Utah when it made a home on Vice President Mike Pence's silver mane.
Pence didn't seem to notice the insect, which didn't appear to move, just sitting there on his head for 2 minutes and 9 seconds, as he debated his Democratic opponent, Sen. Kamala Harris, during the showdown in Salt Lake City.
The fly, which stood out starkly on Pence's bright white coif, immediately generated buzz on Twitter, with pundits telling USA Today moderator Susan Page that the American people needed to hear from Marty McFly.
With their latest assault, Dems conspired with Communist China to infect Trump with the coronavirus. They're really going to regret this one though, as Trump once again absorbed the energy of the attack and has now apparently unlocked near-invulnerability.
"Power! Unlimited power!" he cried as lightning crackled off his fingertips. "The power of liberal outrage is a pathway to many abilities most consider to be... unnatural." He then claimed to have unlocked the ability to heal people and bring them back from the dead through his newfound powers, though he said he's still working out the kinks, as he accidentally resurrected Hitler as a zombie.
He also quickly struck down the Green New Deal with his ultimate power, saying, "I have waited a long time for this moment, my green little friend," before blasting the proposal into charred scraps of paper with his lightning fingers. "HAHAHAHAHA!"
Trump has apparently acquired so much power that he dismissed the Senate, saying he no longer needs them to appoint justices to the Supreme Court. "I am the Senate!" he said.
"Checkmate," Trump said as he smiled and waved to reporters. "This is fantastic. Now, if I want to go grab a milkshake from the McDonald's drive-thru -- bam, Black Lives Matter sticker. Can't touch me. Can't criticize me. It's beautiful. Tremendous, really."
With his newfound freedom, Trump instructed his motorcade to drive around the city. The president waved at supporters -- referred to as "peaceful protesters" -- and stopped at the drive-in to catch Tenet. He even shared a bucket of popcorn with Secret Service agents, and not a single reporter was able to claim he was spreading the virus, thanks to his handy decal.
As it turns out, not even Satan himself is safe from a Snopes fact-check. In a recent post, Snopes analyzed several statements made by the Prince of Darkness, utilizing their tried-and-true, highly methodical, investigative techniques to determine how his words lined up with their feelings.
In one example, Satan claimed that eating a particular fruit would not cause anyone to die, but would instead grant them an improved understanding of moral issues. According to Snopes' assessment, while consuming the fruit has been followed by billions and billions of deaths, those casualties were more of an indirect result, while the part about gaining knowledge of good and evil was generally accurate. They also checked all the lies Satan told Jesus while He was being tempted in the desert and pointed out that he did quote Scripture, albeit out of context, earning the Prince of Darkness another "Mostly True" rating.
In the article, Snopes explains that while the Devil has clearly made some factually inaccurate statements over the years, they observed that he tended to "mix a lot of truth with a little bit of lie," thus earning the "Mostly True" label.
I was thrilled to see that TED — the company that runs all those online lectures — has decided henceforth to use "womxn" rather than the outdated word "women". This is because "women" excludes non-cisgender people. And because transwomen are women, it's essential that they have a different word to show that they are exactly the same.
Any words that uphold cisgender or patriarchal privilege are a form of hate speech. So instead of "boys" you should say "ungirls", instead of "vagina" you should say "front hole", and instead of "semen" you should say "hate syrup".
The test came back late Thursday evening, and doctors confirmed the worst: the coronavirus has contracted Trump-45.
"Oh no! We're doomed!" cried tiny little coronaviruses, frantically looking for a way to escape Trump's body. But Trump held his breath and plugged his nose and ears, sealing off escape hatch after escape hatch, preventing the viruses from leaving his body. Superpowered Trump antibodies, shaped like little Ys with orange hair, charged in, sealing the coronavirus's fate.
"Game over, man, game over! They're coming out of the blood vessel walls -- they're coming out of the goshdarn walls!" the coronaviruses screamed as they made their desperate last stand.
Coronavirus was also concerned it might be called a Nazi and doxxed for its association with Donald Trump. These fears appeared to be justified, as CNN immediately began digging up coronavirus's old tweets.
The foul-mouthed birds were split up after they launched a number of different expletives at visitors and staff just days after being donated to Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England.
"It just went ballistic, they were all swearing," the venue's chief executive Steve Nichols told CNN Travel on Tuesday. "We were a little concerned about the children."
"I get called a fat t**t every time I walk past," Nichols complained.
The African grey parrots -- named Eric, Jade, Elsie, Tyson and Billy -- were given to the park from five different owners within the same week, and shared a quarantining facility together before being placed on display.
But staff immediately noticed that the birds shared a propensity to fly off the handle.
"Mr. President, will you or will you not condemn Jessie and James' blatant attempts to steal Ash's Pikachu?" Chris Wallace insisted.Analysts immediately slammed Trump for his comments, pointing out that he has never once denounced the dastardly duo and even suggested there were "very good people on both sides" of the Team Rocket vs. Ash Ketchum rivalry, though he says this was taken out of context.
"Who?" Trump asked. "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a new nickname for Sleepy Joe. What was the question?"
"Right here. Right now. You have the opportunity to denounce Team Rocket, so there will be no question on where you stand," Chris Wallace pressed.
"Sure. Yes, absolutely. Wait... that's the little weasel who steals Dora's stuff?" asked a flustered Trump.
"No, Mr. President. That's Swiper."
"Oh. Well, rockets are good, I like rockets. I started Space Force."
"No, Team Rocket. The dastardly villains, you know, who attempt to denounce the evils of truth and love and extend their reach to the stars above."
"Well, all I can say to them, is stand back and stand by. Let Officer Jenny handle things."
Throughout the debate, Trump also refused to denounce many other things:
- Nickelback
- The Last Jedi
- The laughing dog in Duck Hunt
- Wesley Crusher
- Unitarians
- Attempts to remake The Princess Bride
- Superman for Nintendo 64
- Impossible-to-open clamshell packaging
- People who put ketchup on steak
Here they are in all their glory:
The pictured scan has been translated for you below:















