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Man regrets transitioning to woman after seeing line for restroom

Transgender
© Babylon Bee
PORTLAND, OR — A local man who recently completed his transition to living as if he were a woman immediately regretted his decision to do so after seeing the line for the ladies' room at a large public event last night.

"I had no idea I would have to wait this long just to go pee," said Ryanna Everhardt upon discovering the line at the restroom. "Before I transitioned, I could just walk into the men's room, do my business at a urinal, wash my hands, and be back out in two minutes. Now this? I may have made a big mistake."

Igloo

Southern California covered in 6 feet of Global Warming

'Global Warming'
© Babylon Bee
ANAHEIM, CA — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call "massive amounts of Global Warming." Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.

"Our world has officially ended," said California resident Luis Garcia. "We've been hearing about Global Warming for years now, but it has now fallen upon us and brought destruction with it." Though the final numbers were not yet reported, it is feared that perhaps dozens of people have been inconvenienced by this new outbreak of Global Warming.

Stock Up

CNN's rating for 'This Morning' jumped 5% without Don Lemon: report

don lemon
Don Lemon was notably absent from Friday, Monday, and Tuesday's episodes of CNN This Morning after being removed from the show over his "women in their prime" comments about Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley's age on Thursday.

While the longtime host was undergoing "formal training," rather than shrink in popularity, the show actually experienced a jump in ratings.

According to Samba TV, CNN This Morning reached 617,000 households on the first day of Lemon's absence, jumping to 678,000 the following episode. The next day, viewership rose even higher to 709,000 households.

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Hunter asks dad to pick up his paycheck as long as he's in Kyiv

Hunter Biden
Hunter Biden
President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America's unwavering commitment to the country's democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.

The Babylon Bee has acquired a recording of the exchange between Biden and his adolescent son, Hunter, just before the trip:
HUNTER: Yo, Pops, how's it hangin'?

BIG GUY: Eh? What now? Which kid are you?

HUNTER: Hilarious, Dad. Hey, can you pick up my paycheck while you're in Kyiv? I'm swamped this week. *SNORT* Big art show coming up. *SNORT*

BIG GUY: Sure thing, Herman.

HUNTER: Thanks, Dad, you're the best. Also, I have a package waiting for me there. Could you pick that up too?

BIG GUY: Squirrel wizard.

HUNTER: K, cool. Brown paper package. Guy named Borysko the Blade has it.

BIG GUY: Baboonsky the Bard. Got it.

HUNTER: Just go to the address written in your notebook —

BIG GUY: Yum

HUNTER: Stop eating it; you need that address.

BIG GUY: Papa hungry. NURSE!

HUNTER: One more thing I need you to pick up. A busload of, um, ladies of the night.

BIG GUY: Janitorial staff?

HUNTER: No, bawdy tarts.

BIG GUY: Fruit snacks?

HUNTER: Forbidden women. Brazen hussies.

BIG GUY: Oh, town girls? Gotcha. Atta boy, son. Smartest guy I know.

At publishing time, Air Force One's return flight had been delayed while President Biden waited for Zelensky to sign his son's paycheck.

Arrow Up

Biden shatters the World Record

"President Biden did 36 push-ups, 11 pull-ups (not the type he wears) and ran a mile in just under 5 minutes according to the results of his physical fitness test."

Senile Pres

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Tech companies continuing to mine classic dystopian sci-fi novels for ideas

office techs dystopian novels satire
© The Babylon Bee"We've tapped out '1984' and 'Minority Report', now what?"
In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.

"It's our go-to solution whenever we have a hard time coming up with a new idea," said Scotty Moon, lead engineer at a large big tech firm. "We just start reading through classic sci-fi books that deal with the fall of human civilization and use whatever caused it in the story as our inspiration."

While Apple continues work on its giant "iLaser" (determined via focus group to be a better name than "Death Star") that will be capable of vaporizing entire planets, rumors persist that Microsoft is pushing forward with its long-term plan to poison the world's food supply through nefarious agriculture work and drastically reduce the human population under the guise of philanthropic initiatives. This all pales in comparison to reports that Amazon is looking into time travel breakthroughs, theoretically to allow them to go back in time to deliver packages before you even placed the order, but this technology will almost certainly be used for more horrible things.

"Growing children in artificial wombs like Brave New World, predicting crimes and arresting people before they commit them like Minority Report, and an exciting behavioral modification method similar to the Ludovico Technique in A Clockwork Orange are all amazing innovations heading your way," Moon continued. "Bringing those stories to life is what we're working toward every day."

In an interview with ChatGPT, the AI confirmed everything is just fine and there's nothing to worry about.

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Exasperated aliens: 'OK, take us to a different leader,' after trying to communicate with Joe Biden

aliens joe biden satire
© The Babylon BeeAliens decline further talks after trainwreck presser with Joe Biden
An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.

"I guess he's not the leader they were expecting," said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was the classic sci-fi movie scenario, with the aliens arriving and telling us, 'Take us to your leader.' We quickly set up a meeting with President Biden, and things went downhill from there."

"The aliens were already asking why we kept shooting down their peace offering balloons containing Hickory Farms cheese and sausage gift baskets," disclosed another source present at the meeting. "But I guess it really started to get bad when the lead alien put out his hand to greet the President, and Joe bent down and bit the creature's finger."

Reports indicate that relations between the two sides only grew worse after the President began speaking. "The best we can tell, Joe had one of his typical verbal gaffes," the source said. "He said something that was totally unintelligible to us, but apparently, it sounded like some sort of horrible slur in the aliens' language. The aliens were offended, voices were raised, Joe may have messed his pants...it was a train wreck. Err, sorry, poor choice of words."

At publishing time, the aliens were reportedly already asking to be taken to a third leader after only spending 5 minutes trying to talk to Kamala Harris

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Nikki Haley officially launches campaign for someone to pick her as Veep

Nikki Haley
Nikki Haley
Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.

"It is my lifelong dream to be Vice President and I will be happy to serve whoever asks me to be their running mate," Hayley said in her announcement video. "Trump or DeSantis. Whatever. I'm not picky."

Trump is reportedly confident that Nikki Hayley is just what his ticket needs to defeat Biden and reclaim the presidency. "You gotta' fight fire with fire," Trump said. "Kamala's a woman, so I need a woman to throw at her. Nikki's the best, believe me. I've checked."

Gov Ron DeSantis has not officially announced his candidacy for the presidency, but experts believe it's only a matter of time before he attempts to challenge Trump for the presidential throne. However, he would not comment on whether or not he would ask Nikki Hayley to be his running mate.

At publishing time, Sarah Palin had also announced a new campaign for someone to pick her for anything, anything at all.

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Biden sends arrangement of fighter jets spelling 'be mine' to Zelensky for Valentine's Day

satire biden jets zelensky valentine
© The Babylon Bee
President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine's Day.

"If I know Volodymyr like I think I do, he's going to love this," said President Biden as he taped a note reading "Be Mine" on a tank. "Hey, General? Can we get those bombs arrayed into a nice heart shape?"

Sources inside the Pentagon report the military has worked tirelessly over the past weeks to secure ultra-lethal armaments for the Valentine gift. "This surface-to-air missile bouquet is really going to knock his socks off," said Army General Leon Platt. "We've also included surveillance maps of Russian positions, marked with X's and O's. Biden even had the boys program the drones we're sending to spell out 'LOVE' in the sky before shooting their Hellfire missiles. It's really got that personal touch."

The Valentine's present, valued by the Congressional Budget Office at approximately $14 billion, will be given to Ukraine without any oversight as to how the weaponry will be used. "Love doesn't come with strings attached," explained Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "The arsenal is a gift, and will arrive in Kyiv on February 14th alongside a fresh pack of olive-green t-shirts. The Pentagon is still considering whether it is safe to also include a box of chocolate-covered grenades."

In a last-minute addition, the Air Force added a napalm bomb designed to spell out "SWEET PEA" in flames.

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Inflation bites: To cover rising costs, Hunter now charging 15% for the 'Big Guy'

joe hunter biden big guy 10%
As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the "Big Guy."

"Listen, 10% just isn't enough anymore. Not a joke," said Hunter in an email to Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout in a text message on a phone left in the toilet of a local brothel. "Hookers are up, crack is up, and my Dad's dementia medication ain't cheap! Starting today, my prices are going up 33% and I'm charging 15% for the Big Guy."

"I just can't with these prices," said CCP Defense Minister Ping Ding after shelling out another $115K for a painting of something vaguely resembling a sunset in exchange for clear skies for the next spy balloon flight. "Do I look like I'm made of money here?"

Other bad actors around the world have raised objections too, stating that if prices continue to rise they may have to shop around for other corrupt individuals with access to President Biden, such as President Biden.

At publishing time, Hunter offered to sweeten the deal with the CCP by adding a pile of classified documents from the junk drawer.