© Unknown
To counter the rampant misinformation propagated by pro-water extremists, Democrats now refuse to drink water and urge other progressively minded Americans to follow suit.
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
To counter the rampant misinformation propagated by pro-water extremists, Democrats now refuse to drink water and urge other progressively minded Americans to follow suit.
"I don't know what came over me," snorted Rogan as he took a victory lap. "First I gave COVID the hind-kick, then I just got this overwhelming urge to head for the fields of Kentucky. Next thing I know I see my fellows out there lining up in the gates and I just had to get in the action, get in the slop."
The preamble to the race had been inauspicious, with wet conditions covering the grounds in mud. Just as the race was about to begin, spectators began yelling that someone had jumped the fence - but it was too late to stop the starter from opening the gates. As the cameras turned to what everyone assumed would be a run-of-the mill streaker, an audible gasp came over the crowd as it turned out to be Joe Rogan.
Following the race, Rogan graciously posed for a few pictures although he kept shuffling from side to side and shaking his head. "I feel like I need my hair brushed, I think I'm going to head on - nay, I think I'll stay a little longer, just got a craving for oatmeal and peanut butter!"
Sources report that Rogan has committed to going for the Triple Crown, although he has demanded nice new shoes before the Preakness. Sadly, Rogan was stripped of his Derby championship after testing positive for DMT, THC, LSD, PCP, but notably was negative for worms.
© Armstrong Economics
The ONLY way to defeat COVID 100% is to quarantine those using it to promote tyranny. Then you will see COVID be magically transformed into the annual flu where you have the right to accept or deny the vaccine to Bill Gates' dismay. Of course, poking a hole in the raft is discretionary.
© The Babylon Bee
"This is a highly visible space, seen all the time during the president's press conferences when he refuses to take questions from the press," said Jen Psaki. "Your brand will be seen by millions of Americans as they anxiously wonder what the president has to say about Americans we've left stranded abroad, inflation, the economy, gas prices, the border crisis, and every other crisis. As soon as the press asks a question, your brand will be captured by dozens of television cameras."
The initial ad placements sold for millions of dollars, and the White House has said that they believe this could raise trillions over the course of Biden's tenure. Of course, if he passes away unexpectedly, the revenue source will dry up, and they will be forced to rent ad space on Kamala Harris's forehead.
"It's important to understand — true lockdowns have never been tried," said Pelosi. "The last time we tried it, we had too many exceptions and the Trump Administration managed it very poorly. If we enact new 'Democratic Lockdowns' with the right people in charge, that will be just what we need to fight the virus and it will definitely work this time."
Democrats are proposing new "Democratic Lockdowns" as a cure for every problem America faces — from COVID and climate change to systemic racism.
© The Babylon Bee
As the American military evacuated quickly with no apparent plan or direction, many top-secret materials were left behind, from battle plans and tactics to books like How to Be an Antiracist and Heather Has Two Mommies. According to sources, after a busy 24 hours conquering all of Afghanistan, the material provided a "much-needed break" and some "well-deserved laughter."
"Oh man, this is great stuff, Allah be praised," said one Taliban leader, tears in his eyes, as he read through Pink is for Boys and Jacob's New Dress. "These American fighters thought they stood a chance against us? Pathetic!"
"Look at this book -- the Americans think it is praiseworthy for a boy to dress up like a girl! No wonder they couldn't win in a war against us!"
At publishing time, the Taliban were kicking themselves after realizing they could have won the war much earlier if they had just called American soldiers by the wrong pronouns.
© Babylon Bee
"Woah, that's a bummer," said the Biden Administration's foreign policy team. "We didn't see that one coming."
As the Taliban began its campaign of shooting and killing, as is their time-honored tradition, CNN anchors gushed with praise after noticing all the Taliban fighters were responsibly wearing masks to protect themselves and others from COVID.
Study finds most parents OK with government brainwashing their children if it means free babysitting
According to the data, 92% of parents are "pretty cool" with schools teaching far-left ideas so long as they agree to watch their kids most of the time.
"Yeah, I know the government is going to radicalize my children into hating me and everything I stand for," said one member of the study, parent of three Hannah Grace. "But, on the other hand, I get to drop the kids off so I can day drink and watch soaps all day. It's a tough choice, but ultimately, I come down on whichever side of the issue lets me spend the least amount of time possible with my kids."
A few Christian parents have said they are concerned by the idea that the government will just fill their kids' minds with garbage and turn their own kids against them, but then they came around: "I was worried at first, but then the school added that they'd be watching the kids all day. So I was like, 'Oh, cool -- the leftist propaganda isn't so much of a concern then.' In fact, I'd love if there was 24/7 school so I never had to see my kids at all."
© Waterford Whispers
"Oh, tell Russia we were asking for them too," said a spokesban, referring to a similar withdrawal of Soviet troops in 1989 following a 9-year war between the two states, "I hope you guys enjoyed your stay here and thanks for spending $822bn of your citizens money on trying to kill us, we really appreciate all the weapon presents you left behind and military vehicles".
The withdrawal comes after President Biden insisted on pulling out all US troops out of Afghanistan by 11 September this year to mark the country's biggest mistake and waste of time since Vietnam.
© The Babylon Bee
Jeffrey Toobin (inset) Regretful ex-CNN employee
Jeffrey Toobin (inset) Regretful ex-CNN employee
The three laid-off employees drank away their sorrows at a local bar, expressing their regrets for not getting vaccinated when they could have just Toobined themselves on a Zoom call with coworkers and kept their jobs.
"Man, if I'd only have pulled a Toobin on camera, I would have been fine!" lamented one of the laid-off journalists over a few beers. "I should have just, you know, watched my favorite comedian, Buddy Wackit. Or my favorite Little Rascal, Spanky, or my favorite baseball team, the Yankees. It all seems so clear in hindsight."
"Oh well. Maybe we'll get a job at NBC News and we can lock women in our offices like Matt Lauer instead of refusing the jab."
At publishing time, they'd also realized they could have just covered for their governor brother during a sex scandal as well.
Comment: The New Yorker reportedly suspends Jeffrey Toobin for exposing himself during a Zoom call with coworkers