Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

New Mexico criminals excited to hear no one will be armed for entire month

The Babylon Bee
Sun, 10 Sep 2023 16:18 UTC

New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham satire

Criminals across New Mexico were ecstatic to hear from Governor Grisham today that no one in the state would be armed for an entire month.

"Oh, sweet!" said local carjacker Jeff Diggs. "It's so stressful wondering if your next victim could be packing. Gosh, that's such a weight off!"

New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham made the announcement yesterday in a press conference, to resounding cheers from criminals across the state. "I just want every thief in our great state to know they have nothing to fear," said Governor Grisham. "We're delivering bold leadership on crime, and making a statement to the nation. That statement is this: For the next month, criminals in New Mexico can rob and assault anyone with absolute impunity."

Organized crime rings broke out in applause and slapped high-fives, ecstatic about the news. "Man, I'm getting tears in my eyes," said Albuquerque gangster Sean Rogers. "What a relief, knowing we're the only ones with the guns. This is going to be amazing."

At publishing time, Governor Grisham had announced to further cheers that she would also be taking away guns from the police.

Liberal frustrated to discover virtue way harder than virtue signaling

The Babylon Bee
Sat, 09 Sep 2023 20:04 UTC

frustrated liberal man contemplation window

Local liberal Jonald Duncan reportedly learned the hard way that actual virtue is way harder than virtue signaling. At least 3.4 times harder, experts say.

"I've been sitting on my computer, as I do, talking about diversity and equity — all that stuff, but I never actually doing anything," Duncan reflected. "So, I decided to cast aside the signal and try virtue-ing... for real. But it's really hard!"

"You have to, like, do stuff!"

Duncan, an avowed liberal vegan climate activist LGBTQ+ ally, began his journey by studying virtue on Wikipedia. He was surprised to learn that virtues are often in conflict with how he's been living his life. In particular, he noted tremendous difficulty with temperance, which he says interferes with his ability to dunk on "MAGA-tards" who "totally deserve to be canceled."

Duncan started a personal diary where he could record his thoughts as he attempted to incorporate the seven virtues into his life. The Babylon Bee has received an exclusive copy of the journal, an excerpt of which follows:

Tuesday the 5th —

The seven virtues are prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude, faith, hope, and charity. I'm not a dumb xian so I can cut out faith I guess, but I stand by the others — even prudence, which I had to look up in the dictionary. Justice and temperance seem at odds with each other, however. How am I supposed to be temperate while punching literal Nazis? Is that not justice?

Wednesday the 6th —

Learning prudence has saved me a lot of trouble. Apparently not everyone is a Nazi. I thought they were. My bad.

Thursday the 7th —

The more I think about fortitude the more I realize I'm a coward.

Friday the 8th —

I am morally bankrupt. Oh no, did I just teach myself about the reality of sin? God, save me! Crap, is there a church I can go to anywhere?

At publishing time, Duncan was last seen looking at local churches on the internet, unfortunately, he only plans to signal his attendance by joining the virtual service.

Pelosi announces bid for two more years of insider trading

The Babylon Bee
Fri, 08 Sep 2023 19:56 UTC

In a surprise announcement, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi confirmed she will be seeking reelection for yet another 2-year term of lucrative insider trading.

"I have long served the people of San Francisco in Congress by enriching myself with privileged information while my hometown descends into chaos," said Pelosi in a statement. "With your support, I hope to continue my important work for another two years. Good morning, Sunday morning."

The mayor of San Francisco celebrated the announcement on Friday. "Our city has long been a place of lawless greed and theft, and we're proud to see Mrs. Pelosi bring those values to Washington," said Mayor London Breed while brushing broken glass off the front seat of her car. "Give us two more years of Pelosi!"

Pelosi vowed that if elected she would redouble her commitment to becoming filthy rich via insider trading in Washington and maybe even pay off her yacht and her 3rd summer home.

At publishing time, Pelosi's husband Paul had also issued a statement, begging voters to please send his wife back to D.C. for a couple more years.

Jerkface Elon Musk refuses to help start nuclear war

The Babylon Bee
Fri, 08 Sep 2023 00:01 UTC

Ukraine boss Volodimir Zelensky is reportedly irate at the lack of international support he's received in his extended battle with Russia, including a recent snub by major certified butthead Elon Musk who has refused to help start a nuclear war.

"Not only have we not received the trillions of dollars in blank checks we requested, but stupid dipwad Elon Musk won't let us use his Starlink system to inch us closer to nuclear holocaust," said a visibly perturbed Zelensky from another mansion, but we're not sure which one there are so many at this point. "Doesn't he know how much sacrifice and prison time my political opponents have endured since this war began?"

Heavy metal pup: Dog escapes home, sneaks into Metallica concert

Cindy Von Quednow
KTLA
Mon, 04 Sep 2023 19:39 UTC

© Metallica/Instagram
After a full night taking in the show with her #MetallicaFamily, Storm was safely reunited with her actual family the next day.

A music-loving dog was returned to her family after escaping from her home and sneaking into a Metallica concert in California.

Storm, an adorable German shepherd that snuck out of her Inglewood home and enjoyed the Metallica concert at nearby SoFi Stadium, is back with her owners after a memorable adventure.

Though it is unclear how exactly Storm got out of her home on Aug. 25, her owners were amused by her fun night out.

"We don't know how she got out, we checked our cameras and we didn't see nothing," owner Kathy Villa told KTLA.

She and Aribeth Hurtado found out the pup had gone to the heavy metal show like the rest of us: seeing the photo of Storm sitting among the crowd watching the band.

Bud Light welcomes new investor Bill Gates with limited edition Jeffrey Epstein cans

The BabylonBee
Thu, 07 Sep 2023 18:29 UTC

Bud Light welcomed newly minted $100 million investor Bill Gates today with a special, limited-edition can featuring his old friend Jeffrey Epstein.

"First Dylan Mulvaney, now Jeffrey Epstein," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "This has been a banner year for Bud Light."

Bill Gates purchased $100 million of public stock in Anheuser-Busch, believing his image could really help win back Bud Light's conservative customer base. "I believe with just a few tweaks to the MRNA -- I mean recipe, Bud Light is poised for a comeback," said Mr. Gates. "We plan to kick things off by offering a free microchip with the purchase of a twelve-pack. It's going to be gangbusters."

As a thanks to Mr. Gates, Anheuser-Busch decided to produce a special can to bring a bit of the island life home. "We are grateful for Mr. Gates taking care of our needs, just like Jeffrey Epstein took care of his," said Mr. Whitworth. "We hope this little token shows the world exactly the sort of company we are."

At publishing time, conservatives were deeply confused how Anheuser-Busch planned to overcome a trans-influencer controversy by partnering with a guy with man boobs.

Margaritaville orders all little umbrellas to be flown at half-staff

The Babylon Bee
Sun, 03 Sep 2023 20:30 UTC

Authorities in Margaritaville have called for all the tiny drink umbrellas to be flown at half-staff today in honor of the late Mayor, Mr. Jimmy Buffett.

"If it were possible to have a sad day in Margaritaville, today would be the day," said the announcement. "All we ask is that everyone fly their drink umbrella at half-staff and order a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french-fried potatoes."

According to locals, Mr. Buffett passed away at five o'clock - at least, five o'clock somewhere. "Alright, let's all pour something tall and strong," said local man Alan Jackson. "You know what? Make it a hurricane. Everyone's welcome to sail in today -- just keep it between the navigational beacons."

At publishing time, sources report that Mr. Buffett had finally been reunited with his lost shaker of salt.

Trump trial for election interference scheduled to interfere with election

The Babylon Bee
Wed, 30 Aug 2023 17:46 UTC

The federal judge presiding over former President Donald Trump's trial on charges of election interference has set a trial date that will line up perfectly to interfere with the 2024 presidential election.

"This certainly is the most appropriate date," said U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan in her announcement. "Mr. Trump is not above the law, and holding this trial to determine if he is guilty of interfering in the 2020 election gives the federal government its best chance of interfering in the 2024 election."

The trial start date, March 4, falls just one day before the "Super Tuesday" primaries, which a spokesperson for the Department of Justice insists is only a coincidence. "Total happenstance," said the source on the condition of anonymity.

"This was not, in any way, done to affect Donald Trump's ability to campaign during the crucial period of state primary voting. There is also no truth to the rumors that we did an extensive investigation into what date would be most ideal to harm Trump's campaign or cast him in a questionable light in the eyes of voters. Nope. Not at all. That would be election interference, and we do not do that. That's illegal."

President Trump did not accept the DOJ's claims of impartiality. "BOGUS TRIAL DATE!" he said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Another move by our CORRUPT Justice Department to try to hurt me in the primaries. Even if I'm sitting in a courtroom, I will SWEEP the primaries, something nobody ever thought possible, but it is with me. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"

At publishing time, The DOJ was reportedly hard at work scheduling all court dates to coincide with important election dates while claiming the coincidence was purely coincidental.

Republicans debate to see who will lose to Biden in a landslide mail-in vote in middle of night

The Babylon Bee
Sat, 26 Aug 2023 17:31 UTC

In an electrifying debate tonight, 8 Republican candidates competed for a chance to lose to President Biden in a shady landside mail-in vote in the middle of the night.

"I, Mike Pence, an experienced politician with impeccable integrity, am the best candidate to have the election stolen from me by ballot harvesters during the height of a fake pandemic in 2024," said Mike Pence. "I will lose with all the dignity and pride of a Republican. That's what America is all about."

"No, I am the best candidate for this important task," said Nikki Haley. "No one on this stage is better equipped than me to stand aside like a schmuck while the election is rigged by powerful tech corporations, corrupt deep state bureaucrats, and foreign governments to get a functionally dead candidate like Biden back in office. Also, I'm a woman! Vote for me!"

The 8 candidates then erupted in loud arguing and screaming at each other to the delight of cheering fans.

At publishing time, Trump had claimed victory in the debate and promised to have the greatest stolen election loss in history.

Hilary makes landfall, 30,000 plus emails destroyed

The Babylon Bee
Mon, 21 Aug 2023 18:38 UTC

Hurricane Hilary made landfall today in California, quickly destroying tens of thousands of emails upon her arrival.

"My house is fine, but my email server -- annihilated," said San Diego resident Jim McKay. "Nature is so weird like that."

Despite weakening to a category one hurricane, Hilary still packed a vicious punch upon making landfall. "I'm ok, but the storm somehow crushed my cell phone," said local woman Alicia Gonzales. "I mean, it's like someone took a hammer to this thing. People are letting down their guard because Hilary has weakened, but she's still got power where it counts."

According to officials, the final toll of Hilary's destruction may range into the hundreds of thousands of emails. "It may be a catastrophic loss - of data, at least," said Los Angeles mayor Karen Bass. "I myself was not spared, as all e-mails relating to bribery money from USC and my friendly relations to the Castro family have been wiped out. Sad!"

At publishing time, experts reported that Hurricane Hilary's weakening was due to a southward moving tropical depression named Donald.

Quote of the Day

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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

New Mexico criminals excited to hear no one will be armed for entire month

Liberal frustrated to discover virtue way harder than virtue signaling

Pelosi announces bid for two more years of insider trading

Jerkface Elon Musk refuses to help start nuclear war

Heavy metal pup: Dog escapes home, sneaks into Metallica concert

Bud Light welcomes new investor Bill Gates with limited edition Jeffrey Epstein cans

Margaritaville orders all little umbrellas to be flown at half-staff

Trump trial for election interference scheduled to interfere with election

Republicans debate to see who will lose to Biden in a landslide mail-in vote in middle of night

Hilary makes landfall, 30,000 plus emails destroyed

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