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Tue, 07 Dec 2021
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Updated death certificates require choosing between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism as cause of death

covid climate change systemic racism satire death certificate
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.

"Listen, folks, this is much easier," said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. "It's multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain't that complicated, Jack!"

Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.

Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. "We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world," she said. "This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!"

According to sources, some are working to add "homophobia" and "Trump" as possible causes of death as well.

Mr. Potato

'Pfizer+' Monthly Booster Subscription Program Announced

Pfizer+ parody
Following the popular trend of providing consumers constant access to products or services they think they need, Pfizer has announced a subscription service that will provide monthly COVID-19 vaccines to all members, called Pfizer+.

Pfizer+ offers the following additional benefits:
  • Monthly vaccine booster
  • Access to some of Pfizer's other popular drugs
  • Gold badge for social media virtue signals
  • Video library of the mainstream media shaming unvaccinated individuals

Smiley

Fauci declares himself to be Pope of Science

Pope Fauci
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reveal, Dr. Fauci has appeared on camera in an ornate and funny hat, and is now declaring himself the "Pope of Science."

"Look at my shiny hat! Woooo-ooo! I have been chosen by science to speak on behalf of science!" said Pope Fauci. "My very words are as infallible as the natural laws of the universe itself! If anyone doesn't like me, or disagrees with anything I say, or makes fun of my glasses, they will be excommunicated — banished to everlasting darkness."

Attention

Liberal upset by Ahmaud Arbery verdict as there's nothing to be angry about

despondent woman
© unknown
According to sources, local liberal activist and white woman Amy Crabtree felt extremely disappointed at the news that Ahmaud Arbery's killers had been found guilty of murder, as there was nothing left in the news to fuel her activist rage.

"Yes, I want justice, but I also want to be very angry all the time," said Crabtree. "Pure, unfiltered rage is what fuels our movement for justice, but right now, I feel happy. This isn't good!"

Experts are warning that if the Left allows their continuous flow of outrage to die down even for a moment, the momentum behind their movement to topple western civilization and establish a utopia of perpetual peace and harmony may lose some steam.

"I need to make sure I reminded myself that even though justice was served here, we still live under an unjust system of white patriarchy all the time and everything is horrible and awful and Donald Trump might run for president again," she said.

"Wait — DONALD TRUMP MIGHT RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN! NNOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed at the sky.

Crabtree then smiled to herself, having found her rage once again.

What's with people who hate the greatest holiday of the year? The real truth of the anti-Thanksgiving movement is revealed in this video.


Smiley

Hard-working plumber looks forward to paying for his neighbor's gender studies degree

plumber kitchen
With Democrats proposing the mass cancellation of student debt, successful Americans around the country are really looking forward to paying taxes to relieve the debt of people who purchased expensive yet useless college degrees. One local plumbing contractor, Sam Caughorn, is really looking forward to paying the tab on his neighbor's $89,000 gender studies degree.

"Listen, I'm just a plumber," he said. "I didn't go to college, but I work hard and support my family. I don't know about all that high-falutin gender stuff they teach in college, but I'm sure it must be important since it's so expensive! Happy to help out another person in need."

According to studies, there are millions of white girls working at coffee shops across the country while struggling under the crushing student debt they acquired by irresponsibly obtaining college degrees that gave them no marketable job skills. Benevolent politicians have proposed transferring all the wealth from trade workers and minority business owners to help indebted white girls with their student loans so they can still afford their daily latte and cat food expenses.

Local gender studies major Amber White is looking forward to having all her debt forgiven, thanks in part to the contributions of plumbers like Sam Caughorn. "I'm so thankful for the generosity of our Democrat leaders!" she said. "They really look out for the little folx. Also, down with capitalism and white men!"

According to sources, Sam Caughorn owns a successful business he started right after high school. He also has 5 kids, a nice house, and serves as a deacon at his church. "I guess I can spare some change for poor disadvantaged girls like Amber," he said.

Fire

QAnon Shaman wishing he had just burned down a car dealership in Kenosha instead

qanon shaman kenosha fire
Jacob Chansley, also known as the "QAnon Shaman", or "Buffalo Hat Guy", has been sentenced to 41 months in prison. According to sources, he expressed his regret that he didn't do something more peaceful, like burning down a car dealership in Kenosha.

"Dude, I dunno what I was thinkin' man," said Chansley as his hands and feet were bound for the long march back to his cell. "I wish I had just looted a Nike store, or beaten a Trump supporter within an inch of his life, or burned down an entire city block for social justice. Kamala Harris would have bailed me out and a Democrat DA would have dropped all the charges! I was so stupid!"

Leftists have condemned the sentencing, insisting it should have been much harsher.

Comment: See also: 'QAnon Shaman' jailed for more than three years in most severe 6 Jan riot sentence yet


Smiley

Kyle Rittenhouse asked to step outside and defend the courthouse while verdict is being read

kyle rittenhouse protecting court
Moments before reading the verdict, the twelve jurors in the trial of Kyle Rittenhouse asked if the defendant would please step outside and defend the courthouse.

"We, the jury will perform our constitutional duty and declare the verdict in this case," said one sweating juror, "But we, the jury also don't want to die."

"Objection, your honor, Rittenhouse does not possess an AR-15 to defend the courthouse; I have the AR-15," said the prosecutor, swinging the weapon wildly about as onlookers nervously ducked behind benches. "Besides, protestors are heroes, people of upstanding character, and victims."

Smiley

U.S. military switches to swords and bows to meet carbon neutral goals

US Military
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The modern military takes on a lot of duties. There's meeting diversity quotas. There's Critical Race Theory training. And there's helping the environment. Also, thrown in there are some requirements to protect the country. Well, the Pentagon has announced a new policy that will help the U.S. military meet some of those goals: They're now switching all weapons to swords and bows.

"We have a deadly enemy out there," announced General "Sparkles" McKenzie, "and it's called carbon. The problem with modern-day weapons is that they take a lot of carbon to make. But if we get some nice bespoke swords or bows and arrows, that will help us stay carbon neutral, and you can all sleep safe at night."

Smiley

AOC: There's too much division in our country, addition and subtraction are hard enough!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
During an appearance on All In with Chris Hayes on MSNBC earlier this week, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez condemned the rise of division in our country "when addition and subtraction are hard enough."

"What do you think about the state of politics, of all this division that we see everywhere in our nation?" Hayes asked.

Ocasio-Cortez thought for a moment before responding, or at least paused to give the appearance of thought: "I'm against division." The audience applauded.

Hayes nodded sympathetically, motioning for the studio audience to quiet down. "And what is it about division that you think harms discourse in this country?"

Again, there was a faint glimmer of thought in her eyes before she responded: "I think, like, numbers and stuff? Carrying the numbers left and right and back and forth is a lot to ask of people, and I think we're ready for a return to, like, what this country was founded on, like, addition. Maybe some subtraction. Addition and subtraction are hard enough. So, to like, have division is a capitalist construct."

Hayes stared on, dumbfounded. "Haha, no, I mean, division in the sense of---"

"Are you, a white male, mansplaining to me!?" Ocasio-Cortez snapped back, drawing cheers from the crowd. "Division -- especially long division -- is a natural part of a harmful, white supremacist society founded on hateful ideas like liberty and individualism. Any nation that tells people they must take one number and put it into another number cannot long survive."

"And don't get me started on multiplication!"

Pumpkin 2

Liberals accuse Rittenhouse of trying to avoid punishment through legal loophole known as 'trial'

rittenhouse trial

Kyle Rittenhouse
Leftists are sounding the alarm that Kyle Rittenhouse — a notorious slayer of white communist pedophiles — may escape punishment through a little-known legal loophole known as a "trial."

"This is very concerning," said Chip Cordray, progressive legal expert covering the case. "Using this obscure loophole, Rittenhouse's fate will be decided by an impartial jury of peers based on evidence, rather than the whims of noble communist revolutionaries on Twitter — such as Bette Midler and Joe Biden."

Experts confirm that if Rittenhouse is found "not guilty," liberals won't be getting their way, which could lead to massive temper-tantrums, such as arson and looting.

"We can't let this happen," said Cordray. "It's time to talk about closing the 'trial' loophole so that justice can be done according to the whims of the leftist mob, as our founding fathers intended."