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Vaccine trial #666 successful reports Oxford university

Vaccine Trails
© Babylon Bee
Oxford — A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed "The Beast," provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

"This vaccine will stop humanity--er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks," the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. "We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar--I mean, the vaccine."

Smiley

White House adds crying room for fussy reporters

CNN acosta reporters cry room humor
© The Babylon Bee
The Trump White House has added a new feature to the James S Brady Press Briefing Room: a separate cry room for fussy reporters who are crying during press briefings and interrupting the proceedings.

The quiet, serene room will allow news agencies to take their crying, wailing, fussy reporters into a separate space to calm them down so the press briefings can continue without interruption.

"If you notice one of your reporters starting to tear up, just take them into the cry room and soothe them before joining us again," said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. "There are pictures of Obama, bottles of kombucha, and some Tickle-You-Biden plushies in there to keep them occupied and help them feel safe."

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying we're babies!?" shouted one reporter, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Well, yes," McEnany replied.

"That's... that's mean!" His lip began to quiver and he was forced to excuse himself to the cry room.

"WAAAAHHH!!!" cried Jim Acosta. "ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD!" One of his fellow CNN reporters cradled him in her arms and took him out into the cry room with an apologetic look on her face.

The cry room may need expanding soon, however, since every single reporter except OANN's Chanel Rion was sent to the cry room during the first press briefing. Rion pointed and laughed at them as they went into the cry room, calling them "dumb babies," which made them cry harder.

Megaphone

Frustrated by lockdown? Iceland offers to release your screams over loudspeaker

Iceland scream therapy
© Press Association
People feeling stressed by lockdown are being invited to let off steam by having their screams played over loudspeaker in a remote part of Iceland.

The offer comes from the Scandinavian nation's tourist board, which has set up a website allowing people to record themselves venting their frustration.

The results will then be played from one of seven speakers set up around the sparsely-populated country.

The website reads: "You've been through a lot this year and it looks like you need the perfect place to let your frustrations out. Somewhere big, vast and untouched.

"It looks like you need Iceland."


Light Sabers

Liberals worried that without cancel culture they'd actually have to defend their ideas

guy with hand on head
As cancel culture has come under attack in recent weeks, liberals have begun to grow worried that it might get canceled. And if that happens, they'll be in the terrible situation of having to discuss and defend their ideas with people who disagree with them.

Progressives have felt a growing anxiety over the thought of losing cancel culture and having to stand by their ideas and defend them with logic.

"Imagine how horrible it would be if instead of just canceling someone, we had to discuss differing viewpoints and then defend our ideas," said one journalist as he searched a Quiznos employee's old tweets. "It's much easier to simply silence them through cancelation, guaranteeing that we'll never have to examine our own views, come to a better understanding of the other side, and maybe even change our position sometimes."

It's especially hard for the Far Left, as Communists much prefer silencing people and exiling them to having to explain their defense of a system that has killed over 100 million people. "It's what Joseph Stalin would have done," said Portland anarcho-communist Jayde Wilson. "You didn't see him worrying about defending his ideas -- he just canceled people -- straight to the gulag."

Attention

Only herd sanity can inoculate us against this madness

control the virus
© Getty
In light of the chaos happening in so many areas of our culture, I am proposing a new strategy: herd sanity.

Herd sanity is an idea, invented by me, whereby enough people remain calm and rational that stupid, insane ideas can no longer spread too far.

Once this level of mass common sense is achieved in a population, any stupid idea like 'Speech is violence', or 'Defund the police', or 'Listen to Sadiq Khan' will only be able to get so far without running into a sane, normal person and immediately dying out.

I have had to invent this idea, of course, because of the recent pandemic. Not that nasty Covid-19 thing. I'm talking about the pandemic of Stupid Ideas Rapidly Spreading - or SIRS, if you prefer.

This is a new phenomenon largely due to the advent of Twitter, and the surprising number of people who possess the very latest technology yet have not even bothered to switch their stupid brains on.

Ladybug

Fired Ukraine minister dons skimpy bikini, launches new party to fight corruption of "pants-wearing idiots"

Alexandra Klitina
Ukraine's former deputy infrastructure minister, Aleksandra Klitina, recently released a racy video announcement of a new political party while partially exposing upper chest cleavage, reported RT News.

Klitina, 37, apparently knows how to attract a new base - her 'physique' was the centerpiece in the video as she called for a new political party called "Ukraine against corruption" - she posted the video on YouTube in late June.

In the short clip, Klitina is wearing a skimpy swimsuit while giving a political speech outdoors, standing feet in front of a camera, where she said:


Attention

Gavin Newsom alerted to illegal activity by the sound of children's laughter

Gavin Newsom
California Governor Gavin Newsom was spending another day keeping his state locked down and safe from the coronavirus when he heard a disturbing sound: the laughter of children. "Someone sounded like they were having fun," Newsom explained to reporters, "and anything fun is the number one way to spread the virus."

While the sound of children's laughter wasn't quite as bad as hearing a worship song being sung, Newsom decided to call the police to be on the safe side. The search of the neighborhood only turned up children as they should be: locked inside and looking rather sullen. "I didn't imagine it, though," Newsom said. "Some children were outside enjoying themselves in full violation of the law! And they're still on the loose! They could be playing hide and seek as we speak!"

Police have issued an APB for children playing outside, though so far they have not been spotted. Reportedly, Newsom got little sleep last night, as he just couldn't get it out of his head that out there, somewhere, children were having fun.

Corona

People that wear a mask in their car

Wearing mask while driving
© YouTube/AwakenWithJP (screen capture)
People that wear a mask in their car unfortunately get made fun of by bystanders all the time. Little do they know that driving alone in your car during pandemic times is one of the most dangerous activities you can take part in. In this video, for the first time ever, people who wear a mask while driving get to speak out.


Smiley

'No lives matter' launched by atheists

No Lives Matter
© Babylon Bee
World — A group of atheists, along with some agnostics, announced on Tuesday a new sociopolitical movement consistent with their worldview called No Lives Matter.

According to sources, organizers for NLM have planned numerous rallies to protest other rallies claiming that lives matter. The organization's mission statement defines the group as "people motivated by the belief that all human lives are equally meaningless."

Smiley

Redskins change name to 'Lizard People' to better represent population of Washington, DC

lizard people
There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin.

The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is more fitting for a team representing the capital of our country. To that end, the team officially announced today they would be renaming themselves to "The Washington Lizard People."

"This is a much better name, far more reflective of the great city of Washington, D.C.," said Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.'s representative. "All the politicians, bureaucrats, and leaders here in the district felt the name had great appeal."

Politicians immediately expressed their support for the name change, saying they can relate to a team called the Lizard People. "I see a name like Lizard People, and I know that's a team I can be proud of," said Adam Schiff, his eyes hungrily following a fly buzzing around the room. He licked his lips. "Much better than that Redskins nonsense. Hey, look over there, is that Vladimir Putin?" As reporters turned to look, Schiff shot a long tongue out of his mouth, lightning-quick, and nabbed the fly. "Oh, must have been mistaken," he said, shrugging.