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Sun, 27 Sep 2020
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Smiley

Trump declares lockdown to be lifted for everyone except Hollyweird celebrities

trump hollywood sign
President Trump has announced a plan to reopen the economy and lift the states' quarantines on the citizens, but his plan applies only to regular Americans. Elite, Hollywood celebrities will remain quarantined indefinitely.

The president said the lockdown on smug, annoying Hollywood celebrities will continue indefinitely "for the good of the nation."

"For the good of everyone, we're going to reopen the economy -- but we'll keep the Hollywood celebs locked down in their mansions for a while longer," he said. "Once we can be sure their smugness and annoying, viral videos won't be spread to unsuspecting Americans, we can reopen Hollywood. But don't count on it happening any time soon."

Trump's recommended plan for reopening the economy calls for everyone to implement measures to start back up again in early May, and for Hollywood celebrities to continue to be kept under the strictest lockdown possible.

The plan was instantly met with rising stock prices and overall optimism across the nation, and Trump's approval rating skyrocketed to 103%. "Many are calling this the best plan, maybe ever," Trump declared.

Arrow Down

New York mayor unveils new social distancing program - snitches get rewards

Be a KAREN
© Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY — At a press conference this morning, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled a new way that individual citizens can help enforce social distancing.

"It is up to every citizen to watch and monitor everyone else and report to the police anything they don't like," de Blasio said. "That's why we have created a new enforcement program: Knowledgeable Actors Reporting Edict Noncompliance, or KAREN for short."

With the new program, de Blasio is asking everyone to become a KAREN and use a special hotline to report anyone they see who isn't following social distancing guidelines straight to the police.

Smiley

Getting too comfy: Maryland police warn residents to wear pants to check mailbox

mailbox, checking mail
When was the last time you wore jeans? Many are thinking of comfort first when working from home during the stay-at-home order in place due to the coronavirus pandemic. However, some Maryland residents are getting too comfortable.

The Taneytown Police Department in northern Maryland posted a reminder for its nearly 7,000 residents — one that you'd think should go without saying.

"Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know you who are. This is your final warning," police said in a Facebook post on Tuesday.

Comment: As can be imagined, the replies to the Taneytown Police FB post were quite amusing!


Mr. Potato

Liberal treated with Hydroxychloroquine hopes to still die of COVID-19 to prove Trump's an idiot

patient covid-19, liberal hydroxychloroquine
When Jeffrey Walton tested positive for COVID-19, he hoped for a speedy recovery. But since he has been treated with hydroxychloroquine, the experimental treatment President Donald Trump has been touting, he now hopes he dies quickly to help prove that Trump is an idiot.

While Trump has been giving people hope that hydroxychloroquine could save lives, his political opponents have called it false hope and claimed Trump has no idea what he's talking about. Walton, a lifelong Democrat and progressive, had joined in calling Trump "irresponsible" and an "ignoramus" and now has an opportunity to prove it by simply dying. "It's such an opportunity, I don't want to pass it up," Walton said.

Doctor Glenn Logan, Walton's physician, says he's been up and down. "After we gave him the hydroxychloroquine, he got really excited about the idea of dying to prove Trump is dumb, and his good mood helped his condition, and he started to improve. Because that would only help Trump, his getting healthier made him depressed, which caused his condition to deteriorate. Which made him really happy. Which helped him recover and... Well, it's been a weird cycle."

Attention

President Xi impressed by Michigan governor's totalitarian policies

Xi Jinping and Gretchen
© Babylon Bee
Beijing — In a candid speech Tuesday, President Xi Jinping stated he was "pretty impressed" by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer's handling of the coronavirus outbreak, specifically praising her totalitarian policies.

China's dictator said he was actually a little jealous he hadn't thought of some of her ideas himself.

"She has some pretty great ideas -- stopping people from gathering together even with their families, ordering people not to buy seeds -- they can't even plant their own food now! We hadn't even thought of some of these innovative approaches," the Communist president said. "We're always looking for more ways to oppress people, and we were really inspired by Whitmer's approach."

Pumpkin 2

Vicious tyrant Trump wants to allow people to leave their homes

Trump

"How dare he!"
By all accounts, President Donald Trump has now gone completely mad with power. In a press briefing, he laid out his insidious plan.

"When I'm done with this country, everyone will be able to leave their houses whenever they want and do whatever they want," Trump told the press with an evil grin. "They'll be able to peaceably assemble in whatever size groups they desire! Muhahaha!"

"You're a mad man!" a CNN reporter cried. "You don't have the power to let people have freedom! You're a tyrant!"

"My power is absolute!" Trump screamed. "No one can stop me! Soon everyone will be able to go back to work and buy whatever they feel like from the store even if bureaucrats don't like it!"

"Noooo!" cried an MSNBC reporter. "You have to arrest people who don't do what the government tells them! Who do you think you are? Someone stop him!"

But no one came to stop him, and Trump just laughed an evil laugh.

It is unknown if anything can be done about Trump, but many hope that the Constitution has enough checks and balances to keep one man from giving out freedom by fiat.

Mr. Potato

Observations of an anonymous UPS driver: "Customers I've seen since the 'Rona"

UPS Truck
The other day, I shared something funny on social media. A little bit of humor is good for us, even (and especially) in times like this. If anyone knows who originally wrote this, please let me know so I can give proper credit.

If you think about it, a UPS driver with a regular route gets to know a little bit about nearly everyone who frequently places orders. I hope this brings you a giggle. (Remember, fun is not the F-Word.) I also hope it reminds you to pay strict attention to OPSEC.

Here are some observations.
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...

5 types of customers since the "rona":

1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He's sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new "Bernie Bro" hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about "The Rona" on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on "The Rona". She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen's kids are currently faking "The Rona" to avoid her. I'm delivering "Hello Kitchen" to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I'm bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.

Got any other types to add to this?

Smiley

'Biden has touched us all' says Obama

Obama and Biden
© The Babylon Bee
U.S. — Former president Barack Obama endorsed Joe Biden for president in a touching, intimate video Tuesday, saying, "Biden has touched us all."

Many were worried Obama wasn't going to endorse Biden, but he came through for the DNC establishment, telling everyone how deeply and personally Biden has touched everyone he has ever worked with.

"Many leaders, um, you know, they, um, don't rub you the right way," Obama said. "But not Joe. Joe, see, he, um, touches everyone he comes into contact with, whether they want him to or not. He's breathing down Trump's neck in, um, in the race now, and I know he will overcome and grab a come-from-behind victory. I'm very fondle--excuse me--very fond of Joe, and with a stroke of luck, we'll be able to lick Trump in this election as we grope about for the White House."

Smiley

Roman authorities investigate Jesus for violating stay-in-tomb order

roman soldier tomb quaratine easter coronavirus covid-19
Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire's clear "stay in tomb" order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.

But Jesus, answering to a higher authority, refused to stay dead and busted out of the tomb, establishing a kingdom that would never end -- again, in clear violation of the government's orders.

Comment:




Syringe

Coronavirus vaccine delayed until scientist can figure out how to make it cause autism

Lab Technicians
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — Scientists across the nation are racing against time to develop a vaccine against the deadly COVID-19 virus. Despite significant progress, researchers have hit a snag. Sources confirm an effective vaccine is ready to mass produce except for one problem: manufacturers have so far been unable to give it the power to cause autism.

"Like any good vaccine, this one needs to give autism to some kids," said Phil Mipockets, CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm. "I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if we put something on the market that was totally safe and didn't ruin some people's lives."